Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should just be greatful rather than 'dread' having a boy!

224 replies

MinnieMousefirstofhername · 12/01/2017 02:02

Gave birth to ds 2 months ago, my best friend has recently found out she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her and her dp.

However I'm recently feeling very irritated by her as every time I see her she says how much she hopes baby is a girl, how there's just no nice clothes for a boy, she would be soooo upset at her scan if baby is a boy.
I just say things like ohh boys are lovely too and that I'm sure she'll be happy what ever she has aslong as they are healthy.

I'm just getting really annoyed with it now as I think well is my boy not wearing lovely clothes and what is wrong with a boy you're fucking lucky you're having a baby! My dp says I am being unfair as he really wanted a boy and feels he would have been slightly disappointed with a girl but I honestly think it's rediculous ofcourse say ohh I'd like a girl but happy either way. Honestly don't know how she will react if she's having a boy! Aibu to feel irritated by this Hmm

OP posts:
mirokarikovo · 12/01/2017 08:12

I can't imagine being friends with someone who had an attitude like the OP's friend. She is (a) fundamentally sexist as she is assuming that a child's entire personality and character is dictated by their genitalia and doesn't perceive her child/children as having the potential or the right to be a non-stereotypical individual and (b) she perceives her child as a thing to be dressed up in pretty clothes - an object for her own benefit.

Whether she has a daughter or a son, then that child will be very unfortunate to have such a mother.

Whatsername17 · 12/01/2017 08:13

Before my dd was concieved I always hoped I'd have a boy. Once I got pregnant I didn't mind at all and just wanted a baby. When I got pregnant a second time dh and I talked about how we hoped for a boy - then I miscarried at 13 weeks. When I got pregnant again I just didn't care. My every thought was just 'please be ok'. Dd was desperate to find out whether baby was a boy or girl so we found out at one of the many private reassurance scans. We are having a second girl. This will be the last time we try for a baby and I was worried dh would be disappointed. I asked him outright and these were his words, 'I honestly couldn't give a shit about pink or blue. I'd have liked a boy to carry on my surname but, I'm just glad every time we have a scan and see a heartbeat. Plus my favourite girls name is now on the table.'
I think it is normal to have a preference and normal to feel a bit prickly if someone were to say their preference is the opposite of what you have. There are then those of us who have struggled with ttc or lost babies who see the whole thing as inconsequential because we are just desperate to be mothers. A level of understanding and sensitivity is needed by everyone in this situation.

strawberrypenguin · 12/01/2017 08:14

Never understood gender preference (and it always has a girl bias on MN) don't get pregnant if you hate the idea of something you have a 50/50 chance of.

The 'healthy baby' thing I don't think there's anything wrong with. It's not about not loving children with health issues it's about hoping our children don't have to live with a medical condition and all that entails. I used it myself about DS2 and DS1 had to have several operations as a baby. I wish he hadn't had to and I didn't want to see DS2 go through that as well. Doesn't mean I love DS1 any less.

PollytheDolly · 12/01/2017 08:17

Wait till she has to push that little melon out a canal the size of a cherry tomato.

She won't be too bothered about pretty clothes by that point!

She needs to get real.

Backt0Black · 12/01/2017 08:17

I'm having a boy - literally did not care either way,

Perhaps you intensely immature friend should terminate if she is having a boy and buy herself a doll if she just wants nice outfits Hmm

OR

Perhaps she could post her silliness on of one of the fertility or loss boards and see how well that goes Hmm Stupid girl.

OhhBetty · 12/01/2017 08:19

Op I really don't understand having a preference either! Why having a lovely baby isn't enough for people I'll never know. One of my friends is having a boy after having a girl and can't seem to do anything other than moan about it. I would have loved a second baby but count my blessings every day that I have my wonderful son.

Birds I agree with pp, it sounds awfully like you're sexualising babies and young children which is wrong. It might be wise to look at why you do this?

TheMortificadosDragon · 12/01/2017 08:21

she says how much she hopes baby is a girl, how there's just no nice clothes for a boy

FFS. She's giving birth to a unique individual, not a dress-up doll.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 12/01/2017 08:22

I'll tell you how you change a boy's nappy Birds, in exactly the same way you change a girl's nappy. Hmm

SugarMiceInTheRain · 12/01/2017 08:30

YANBU. It irritated me immensely when people assumed I was hoping for a girl when pg with DS2 (didn't find out the sex during pregnancy) Most people were smart enough not to make comments after he was born, but when I later had DD, the amount of 'Well Done' or 'A girl at last' etc was staggering. I absolutely think you shouldn't get pregnant unless you'll be happy with either.

Lweji · 12/01/2017 08:31

I have a boy and a good friend has a girl. They were born within weeks.
My relationship with my boy is much better than hers with her girl.
But then I'm not girly at all. I quite like his clothes and can't think of anything more boring than pink and frills.

Scattymere · 12/01/2017 08:33

OP I sympathise entirely as I'd just had my lovely boy and 1 of my best friends, also god mum to my son came round pregnant, and was expressing her complete desire for baby to be a girl, looking directly at my little boy she said how disappointed she'd be with a boy and she'd stop at just 1 if it were a girl, but keep going if it were a boy, to get a girl. I've never really got over my resentment for her prissiness tbh.

Re. boys clothes being horrid - not true! For every tacky, synthetic, icky bight pink piece of girls clothing there is a boring, plain boys top yes. BUT- the most beautiful way to dress little boys is nautical and breton stripes etc IMO- of which there are so many gorgeous outfits/tops around..

maddiemookins16mum · 12/01/2017 08:37

I just kept quiet about secretly wanting a DD (and had one). That said, I'm certain I would have been equally as thrilled with a son (and found myself broody for a little boy a few years ago, but alas time/age was not in my favour). She is not unreasonable to want a daughter, she is unreasonable to be quite so open about it with a new mum to a DS.

MrsRhubarb · 12/01/2017 08:38

I'd just try and let it go. When I was pregnant with first child, I really wanted a boy. No particular reason, I'd just always imagined myself having a boy. I didn't say this to anyone, but when we found out we were having a girl I was disappointed. However as I got used to the idea of "my daughter" vs "imaginary son" I soon got over it, and was delighted to meet her when she arrived. Currently pregnant with #2, another girl, and I am over the moon. If she is anything like her big sister she is going to be utterly amazing.

PostTruthEra · 12/01/2017 08:41

Yanbu.

I hate this attitude, and I've come across it a lot since having DS. It does seem that having a girl is a cultural preference in the U.K at the moment.

Your friend is an idiot, and baby boys are gorgeous (though you do have to look harder to find cute clothes that aren't blue, grey or beige!).

ifcatscouldtalk · 12/01/2017 08:41

Gender reveal parties? Is this the same as a baby shower? Didn't have one of them either. I thought half the excitement was not knowing what I was having. In a way when someone specifically says "I don't want a boy." Or vice versa I always secretly hope thats what they get. Maybe I'm quite mean. Wink.

FlyingFordAnglia · 12/01/2017 08:42

I have ds1 and it took 8 long years to get DS2. The disappointed looks I got after my scan when I told them it was a boy really got me down. My nan actually asked if I was 'not too disappointed'!! I was getting more and more upset that when my friend (herself mum to two boys) said 'how wonderful, two lovely boys, it's great fun!!!' I burst into tears! I hadnt known her long and was sobbing on her shoulder explaining she was the first person who seemed genuinely happy for me. For some reason people seem to think women need a daughter to be their friend and companion for life and are missing out if they don't get that. I spend a lot of time with 11 yo ds1 and we get on great. I wouldn't change either beautiful boy for the world.

MrsRhubarb · 12/01/2017 08:42

Also, no pink in this house. Finding clothes for girls that aren't nauseating is a much bigger challenge than the huge array of perfectly nice boys clothes (some of which I have bought for DD because they are just nicer)

PinkCrystal · 12/01/2017 08:44

Yanbu

Really pisses me off.

mumofthreesmallmen3 · 12/01/2017 08:49

I have three boys and am asked all the time wether I'm planning to have another to 'get my girl' and had negative comments when I found out the third was a boy constantly asked wether I was dissapointed and that it was a shame! I admit one out of the three would of been nice to have been a girl but I'm happy with the three boys, and I couldn't imagine it any other way now, I like the fact there all into similar things and similar toys, things can be passed down etc. All three of them are completely different personalities and I was just as excited to meet my third boy as I was my first. I think it's insensitive to say those things and I don't really understand the preference especially on a first baby when she may go on to have another one or two children.

Yura · 12/01/2017 08:51

I have to admit, i wanted boys ( have 2), as i was dreading the consequences of having a girl (MIL loces pink and frilly, i hate it. but my MIL is lovely, i hate to hurt her feelings. Boys make family life a lot easier).
But i didn't dread potentially having a girl (punk gets covered in sick, paint and mud just as much as any otger colour anyway), abd i certainly wouldn't have that loud!
YANBU
(we had the perfect solution anyway -SIL who loves pink and frilly has 2 girls. not that she would gave dreaded boys, but she is happy to indulge MIL)

Elroya1 · 12/01/2017 08:53

She will be fine whatever her baby is, I am sure.

MargaretCavendish · 12/01/2017 08:57

I'd have liked a boy to carry on my surname

I've got some brilliant news for your husband - girls can keep their names and pass them onto their children! And boys aren't guaranteed to!

I find this thread so, so depressing. Perhaps particularly so because getting pregnant is proving harder for me than I'd hoped, but I think I'd have found it shocking before that. All of these gender expectations put onto a foetus. I bet some of these women are the same women who insist that boys and girls are just 'innately different' and they can tell that because theirs were just totally different from a young age...

Starfish28 · 12/01/2017 09:03

This topic is really close to my heart. I completely understand why you are feeling hurt and upset about her comments. She is being very insensitive. I have had this conversation (or versions of it) with so many friends it actually makes me really depressed. I have a son and daughter (whom I adore) but the amount of times I have heard people voice a strong desire for a girl really catches me out. I can understand people have gender preferences (I didn't but there is diversity of human experience which I completely get) but to say it without any reflection on why it would be so insensitive is really depressing. I think boys clothes are lovely, practical and sturdy. Finding girls clothes that are practical and warm and stand up to the challenge of an active 2 year old is actually really hard particularly shoes.

Mrsjudelaw66 · 12/01/2017 09:05

She could have two Tom boys like me. Since they stopped letting me choose their clothes at 2/3 years they have been constantly in jeans/leggings and unisex tops. Silly woman. She'll learn.

RhodaBull · 12/01/2017 09:05

Birds wins this week's prize for nuttiest posts on MN. Odd breast-feeding a boy? Now that is weird . What is this strange culture that only has girls? I'm wondering how it keeps going?! Confused

Incidentally, I think it's much easier to find cute boys' clothes than girls'. Nice little cords and jumpers... [sniff at thought of baby ds instead of great hairy teenager he now is]