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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should just be greatful rather than 'dread' having a boy!

224 replies

MinnieMousefirstofhername · 12/01/2017 02:02

Gave birth to ds 2 months ago, my best friend has recently found out she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her and her dp.

However I'm recently feeling very irritated by her as every time I see her she says how much she hopes baby is a girl, how there's just no nice clothes for a boy, she would be soooo upset at her scan if baby is a boy.
I just say things like ohh boys are lovely too and that I'm sure she'll be happy what ever she has aslong as they are healthy.

I'm just getting really annoyed with it now as I think well is my boy not wearing lovely clothes and what is wrong with a boy you're fucking lucky you're having a baby! My dp says I am being unfair as he really wanted a boy and feels he would have been slightly disappointed with a girl but I honestly think it's rediculous ofcourse say ohh I'd like a girl but happy either way. Honestly don't know how she will react if she's having a boy! Aibu to feel irritated by this

OP posts:

jennymac · 12/01/2017 17:24

YANBU - it really annoys me when particular bang on about one particular sex. I can understand someone having a slight preference for either a boy or girl but we all know that when the baby comes out the mother will think he or she is the bees knees anyway regardless of the sex and wouldn't change their baby for anything so it is all so daft. I have a friend in work who has a boy and always goes on about how they were glad they had a boy as they wouldn't know what to do with a girl and that girls are just into dolls and pink things and being bitchy! I have a daughter and this always drives me mad!

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 12/01/2017 17:32

mrsmuddlepies I agree with you.
Also the fact that a woman was a girl herself, ie I know what to expect because I lived it myself, whereas a boy can a mystery especially for a woman who doesn't have brothers (I a not talking about the baby years here, but when the child gets older / teen / even adult)

ILoveDolly · 12/01/2017 17:32

Your friend doesn't really know what she's talking about.
Boys are lovely. You also get used to dealing with their bits very quickly!
I had two daughters before my son and believe me you can get sick of girls clothes! There's too much choice, most of it is impractical and not really designed for a baby. Children aren't dolls they will have a personality and if you let them, bring you a lot of joy and fun regardless of their gender.
Besides there's no guarantee your delightful baby girl won't be crazy loud dirt monkey like my 2nd dd

WotNoLoobrush · 12/01/2017 18:06

Yes mrsmuddlepies has it.

Sassyfaff · 12/01/2017 18:57

YANBU. Highly irritating - I have experience of this same situation and it would rile me beyond belief. Be bloody grateful you selfish cow. This friend struggled to get pregnant in the first place too!! She ended up with a boy and it's still upsetting her even though she's outwardly happy.

BiddyBooBiddy · 12/01/2017 19:02

I didn't care what we had. Have 2 boys and wouldn't know what to do with a girl . No more babies planned so no way to find out

We didn't find out either time until they were born.

Hellmouth · 12/01/2017 19:04

I was the opposite, I really didn't want a girl lol. I'm hoping for a girl whenever we have the next one though :)

YANBU though!

squizita · 12/01/2017 19:17

I had 3 losses and a partial molar due to a life long condition (after diagnosis my ability to have a child and my mobility got sorted out thank goodness).

The superiority police tried to get me in on their side shaming people with any preference. I find that ablest. I'm not a shiny perfect Tiny Tim.

I quite wanted a boy. I had a girl in the end, she will probably be an only for medical reasons and she's fantastic.
But anyone who uses other people's cases like mine to shame people with a preference gets short shrift from me I'm afraid. Saying "I'm just glad to..." is one thing. Saying "you should just be glad because some people..." is another.

Ascribing moral values to women who are pregnant after loss/using us as paragons of virtue to back up a point is not on.

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/01/2017 19:18

Because we're an all female family and I've never changed a boys nappy etc.

I have one of each, and did it the same way for both.

I co sleep (when babysitting) with my GD (2), with just underwear on and I don't know how I'd feel about doing this in front of a boy, even one I'm related to.

People co-sleep with baby, toddler and school-aged boys all the time. This is just bizarre.

We're lax about nudity.

All good. You can continue to be. Children are lax about nudity!

My best friend is from a family of sisters, her sisters have only girls, and her PFB is a girl. She was amazed when number two arrived, and he was a boy. And even more amazed to discover that parenting a baby boy is absolutely no different from parenting a baby girl.

squizita · 12/01/2017 19:20

Sassy if she struggled she does not HAVE to feel grateful to anyone except medical staff if they helped. She does not HAVE to behave in a way that makes other people feel comfortable because it's what they expect in their neat little narratives. The shit she has been through is enough to earn her the right to say what she wants.

altiara · 12/01/2017 19:25

YANBU!
I really wanted a girl but I felt it was an irrational feeling and would never express it to anyone even to DH.

I remember DH's friend said he hoped he'd have a second girl as he didn't know how to clean a boys bits! In my head I said "what would you do if your own balls and penis were covered in shit?". Funnily enough after the first explosive nappy change you get over the fear of the 'bits' and just clean it up!

PinkFondantFancy · 12/01/2017 19:52

She knows what the point of a 20 week scan is, right? In which case, there are many people every day being told news at their 20 week scan which is far worse than "it's a boy". She needs to get a grip, rapidly. I can see why they refused to tell you the sex when I had mine, sonographers must get so pisswd off with this crap.

PerpendicularVincent · 12/01/2017 20:15

PostTruth I completely agree!

DS took a long time to come, and I'm go grateful and happy that he's here - it was such an odd and tactless thing to say.

PostTruthEra · 12/01/2017 22:02

Communion Expressing an anti-boy sentiment to someone with a baby boy themselves is a dim thing to do. It implies that a baby boy is less special or precious than a baby girl, which is obviously stupid.

CommunionHelp · 12/01/2017 22:10

Expressing an anti-boy sentiment to someone with a baby boy themselves is a dim thing to do. It implies that a baby boy is less special or precious than a baby girl, which is obviously stupid

The OP's friend has said that SHE doesn't want a boy. Why should that imply that boys are less special generally? I have one. I don't think for one moment that someone not wanting a boy makes my little boy any less special.

I'm not suggesting that the OP's friend wasn't extremely insensitive. However, my earlier post is fairly clear in what it addresses.

Magtheridon · 12/01/2017 22:23

I don't think her saying if she had a boy that she'd be soooo upset, is an insult to you or your child. It's her personal preference and i'm sure she'll have her reasons to why she doesn't want a boy.

I genuinely think i'd cry due to disappointment if i found out i was pregnant with a boy (initially) but then would get used to the idea/ start to enjoy it ( i hope) if it ever happens. I'm not ready yet to try. but that doesn't mean i don't think baby boys are cute or less than females. It's because i grew up surrounded by males and i didn't have a good relationship with my mother.

I'd love a chance to have the kind of relationship i see others have with their mothers.

I also know people who really wanted a girl and had 5 boys before she finally got one! you could tell each time she was upset.
I also know a woman who really wants a boy and she's just had her fourth girl!. Doesn't mean they don't love their child when it arrives but yes they'd have preferred a different sex.

Sassyfaff · 12/01/2017 23:38

squizita you've missed my point and of the OP. No one is saying these ladies HAVE to behave in a certain way or be grateful to medical staff.. it's grossly unfair to the couples/women who have had multiple miscarriages, who have had numerous failed attempts at IVF or can't continue, who simply are unable to have children and are desperate to, to then declare how absolutely devastated you'd be to have a boy when you really only want a girl when you finally make it to that point yourself. It's just very insular and insensitive and rightly gets most people's backs up! Be grateful that you can have a baby and longed for sibling for the first child at all!
PinkFondant I completely agree.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 13/01/2017 04:17

I had quite a strong preference for a girl, on every pregnancy. Totally stereotypically, as a child I loved my dolls and dolls houses etc, wanted to have that with someone.
I got a mix of boys and tom boys 😂 And couldn't love them more!
I never wanted to find out the sex, during the pregnancy, because I knew I would be a bit disappointed if I found out it was a boy, but on the day, I also knew it wouldn't make an iota of difference. I was right!
I also have to say, that I love baby boys clothes, I think they are far cooler than the namby pamby girls things out there!

1pink4blue · 13/01/2017 05:02

When i was in labour with ds1 my mum went and go and get a drink and spoke to another lady whose daughter was also in labour.
She asked my mum what i was having and she told her i was having a boy.
The woman told my mum that i was lucky that i was having a boy as her daughter was only having a girl.
My mum came back and told me about the poor woman who was about to deliver her little girl.
My son is nearly 20 and i still think about the woman whose family were so upset she was only having a girl and i still feel sorry for her.
Myself i went on to have 3 more sons then i had my daughter but i was never dissapointed that it was another boy how sad to feel that dissapointment

PostTruthEra · 13/01/2017 08:35

Obviously people can feel and think whatever they want. It doesn't always have to be said out loud. It shows a lacking in self awareness to share views like that with everyone.

Anyway, this thread is actually making me quite sad. I had so many pregnancy growth problems, I was so happy when DS was delivered perfectly, despite what the scans predicted. I spent my pregnancy being quite upset there was going to be something seriously wrong with him, not upset because he might be a boy/girl.

Shashasma · 13/01/2017 13:31

YANBU. I have two boys (8 almost 9 and 15 almost 16 months-both next week). Both instances I wanted girls especially the last but when I found out I was having a boy it never crossed my mind to be upset...just happy that they were there. My sons are my joy. As for not having cute clothes I think she sounds a bit empty... does she think that it's all about dressing them up like little dolls?

Buddahbelly · 13/01/2017 13:39

I had an ex friend who said something similar, she had her dd 3 months before I had my ds. chatting a few months down the line to a mutual friend she announced that all dads arent proper dads until they've got a daughter, and how secretly all men really want a daughter to be daddys girls.

Mutual friend and I stared in disbelief. Wouldn mind but right before this she was moaning about her dp not being a good dad and just leaving them to go out with his mates at the drop of a hat.

Im glad I got my ds, hes a huge fireball filled with fun that doesnt stop from morning to night and I wouldnt change him for a thing. And after 5 Mc and 3 years of trying to conceive a second I honestly couldn't care less what I gave birth to as long as I got to keep a pregnancy going.

EllenMP · 13/01/2017 17:26

It's not ridiculous to have a wish for one or the other, but it's shockingly insensitive to keep saying so in front of a mother of a boy. She's a lousy friend.

Also, boys are definitely the best. ;) My sister and I gave my parents one thousand times more stress and worry than my two brothers. You got lucky, sister! Don't let little Miss Frilly Dresses get you down!

Mmest75 · 13/01/2017 17:29

Is really very sad. A baby is a joy and surely the only wish is all healthy.

thecatsabsentcojones · 13/01/2017 17:30

Yeah she should be grateful for a boy, anyone should be grateful for delivering a healthy baby - that's all that counts. It's quite a common thing though. Bizarre because I think it's due to the perception that girls are easier, in this household it's the other way round, my son was bloody easy, my daughter is far more difficult in sleeping etc.

But I've got to admit that I cried when I found out my son was a boy. My first child was a girl and we lost her, I immediately got pregnant again and was gutted when he turned out to be a boy. I now think I was trying to replace what I'd lost and am really glad he's a boy for that very reason. When I found out I was having a daughter I was delighted because I thought that my chance of having a daughter was gone, but I'd have been happy with another boy - they are lovely.

Anyway the point of my story is tell your friend that if her baby is healthy she's got it made. Far worse things happen than having a boy, they are loving, sweet and amazing.

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