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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should just be greatful rather than 'dread' having a boy!

224 replies

MinnieMousefirstofhername · 12/01/2017 02:02

Gave birth to ds 2 months ago, my best friend has recently found out she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her and her dp.

However I'm recently feeling very irritated by her as every time I see her she says how much she hopes baby is a girl, how there's just no nice clothes for a boy, she would be soooo upset at her scan if baby is a boy.
I just say things like ohh boys are lovely too and that I'm sure she'll be happy what ever she has aslong as they are healthy.

I'm just getting really annoyed with it now as I think well is my boy not wearing lovely clothes and what is wrong with a boy you're fucking lucky you're having a baby! My dp says I am being unfair as he really wanted a boy and feels he would have been slightly disappointed with a girl but I honestly think it's rediculous ofcourse say ohh I'd like a girl but happy either way. Honestly don't know how she will react if she's having a boy! Aibu to feel irritated by this Hmm

OP posts:
ACatCalledFang · 12/01/2017 09:08

You just don't know how you will feel, though. Prior to getting pregnant, I'd always felt I didn't mind about whether I had boys or girls, but that I would be sorry never to have a daughter.

What really took me by surprise was that I was convinced, from the day I found out I was pregnant, that DC was a boy. Utterly certain. It was so weird. I was right, too.

I would still love to have a daughter but it doesn't make me love my son any less, and wouldn't make me love subsequent sons any less either.

As to dressing boys, I think it's great fun! Lots of lovely bright colours, and we've found lovely things in Sainsbury's, H & M and John Lewis.

One of my friends insists she wants girls as she "wouldn't know how to change a boy's nappy". Now that I find weird....

MLGs · 12/01/2017 09:12

It sounds like she's play acting a little bit to me.

Fine to say i'd prefer a girl, but what sensible person gets pregnant thinking they would dread one of the two sexes? Maybe she is not sensible, I don't know.

But it's so easy to play up to the idea of "oh boys are so naughty" etc with all the stereotypes out there. My gut instinct is that she's just being silly.

Of course we should all be grateful to have a healthy baby (if grateful is right word? Maybe just happy.) My feeling from what you have said is she will be happy with a boy and these are just nonsense words.

Headofthehive55 · 12/01/2017 09:13

I really hate the comment oh I have one of each.
There is no such thing. They are all individuals.
When you have more than one of a particular sex you do realise that they are very individual and they don't do X y and z because they are a girl, more because they individually want to.
Their sex is one teeny teeny aspect of them. Apart from which bathroom they use in public, it has no other meaning!

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/01/2017 09:14

Yanbu.

However she has a really good point about the choice of boys' clothes. As the mother of a 6yo ds this frustrates me immensely. However as a new mum of a 7 week old dd I also feel that the choice of anything except sodding pink for baby girls is somewhat limited.

In truth I was a bit Hmm Confused when I was told ds was a boy, but mainly because my family had never experienced a boy before and all the little boys I had previously met left me feeling cold. But I was nonetheless grateful because we had struggled for 2 years to conceive (PCOS).

I think boys get a 'bad press' which is a real shame. Obviously, my ds is the best boy ever to have graced the earth. As is my dd the best girl! Grin When I was pregnant this time around I genuinely couldn't have cared less whether I got a boy or girl. As both myself and my sisters have faced fertility issues I really don't understand this level of gender disappointment.

Snowflakes1122 · 12/01/2017 09:15

She knows she is having a real life baby and not a doll, right?

girlelephant · 12/01/2017 09:19

Horrific attitude in addition to being insensitive! She should want a healthy baby.

I have a DS & there are lots of beautiful boy & toddler clothes at all price points.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/01/2017 09:21

Whatever anyone's feelings on what they'd prefer, personally I think they should keep them to themselves. People can be so stupid and tactless, and it could be very hurtful for the child later, to have someone say their mum really didn't want (whatever sex they are).

Luckily most babies bring their own love with them, as the old saying goes.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 12/01/2017 09:22

YABU and I don't understand why people get annoyed over this. It is not a feeling you can control, why do some resent it??

Some people want a specific sex, some don't care.
When I was pregnant I desperately wanted a girl, and when other pregnant women were saying they didn't care I really thought they were lying - because my desire for one sex was so strong I couldn't believe it wasn't the same for everybody (to have a preference, regardless of the sex).

It took me 5 years to get pregnant, but in no way did it make me want the baby to be a girl less. Saying that if you have trouble to conceive you should be grateful to get whatever you get is patronizing and upsetting. We are allowed the same desires as everybody else.

Bauble16 · 12/01/2017 09:24

Many people have a preference and it is true, girls clothes are more fun to buy. I wanted a boy with my first and luckily he was one! After that I realised you love them regardless and the gender is irrelevant

TheTantrumCometh · 12/01/2017 09:27

I haven't experienced disappointment with my DC but I do understand that it exists.

The problem for me here is not that she has a preference or that she feels she would be disappointed- it's that she's making quite negative comments about having a boy to someone who has a boy. It's almost like she's either 1) deliberately having a dig because she's a bitch or 2) she's genuinely scared of not bonding with a boy etc and is projecting that on to the OP. A bit like when people have low self esteem and put other people down.

It's like someone who has twins saying to someone who is pregnant with a singleton "oh, I'd hate to have just one in there." It's rude.

specialsubject · 12/01/2017 09:29

Bit worrying that her major thought on parenthood is baby clothes...

JassyRadlett · 12/01/2017 09:29

Living, are you honestly saying you would have rocked up at the home of a friend who had a newborn son and said 'I'm desperate to have a girl, can't imagine having a boy, how rubbish would that be'?

Some feelings are best left unspoken. Because other people have feelings too.

BarbarianMum · 12/01/2017 09:31

That really depends on your taste tbh

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 12/01/2017 09:38

Jassy This part I agree, the friend was rude and insensitive.
I was mostly responding to other posters who were annoyed that someone could have a sex preference.

seaweedhead · 12/01/2017 09:38

When you have a child you get an individual person- just because you get a boy or girl doesn't mean they'll fit neatly into their gender box.

I have a girl. She hates girlish clothes and hasn't willingly worn a dress ever. She doesn't like playing with girl toys either and would much rather do whatever her big brother is doing. She's very active and loves to climb, run, scoot, cycle. I love her dearly and try to give her the freedom to just be herself.

People who place these expectations on what a boy or girl is going to be like leave themselves open to massive disappointment which is ultimately going to be harmful to their child.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 12/01/2017 09:39

If what clothes she gets to dress them in is her biggest preocupation about having a child then she's in for a harsh reality check slap in the face when baby is born, boy or girl.

HappyFlappy · 12/01/2017 09:45

YANBU - she's an idiot!

FFS - does she think she can send a boy back? Does she want her son to feel second-best if she has one?

AND - whatever she has, she will fall in love with her PFB.

KayTee87 · 12/01/2017 09:53

birds you sound utterly barmy! Why on earth would you have a problem with a baby you grew inside you seeing you naked?! I guarantee the baby will not care.
So if you have a boy you won't do skin to skin, breastfeed, you'd have a problem changing his nappy just because he's a boy? I take it you'd also feel icky about the fact you grew a tiny penis in your womb and unless I suppose you will want a csection purely due to the fact you won't want to push a male child out of your vagina?
The mind boggles!!

starkers1 · 12/01/2017 09:55

Completely agree with scatty re. just being creative and styling boys better- the sailor/nautical/preppy look is lovely on boys it just takes a bit more thought to get right rather than throwing on a pair tights/dress for a girl. Must say I've recently had a girl after my son and am equally appalled at so many cheap, tacky clothes with stupid princessy/diva quotes on bright pink backgrounds, literally makes me shudder. Seeing girls dressed like wannabe princesses makes me shudder far more than little boys in practical but plain clothes.

Soubriquet · 12/01/2017 09:57

I wanted a girl and I got a girl

With my second I wanted a girl and he was a boy. I was honestly upset.

My dh was over the moon.

I'm uncomfortable with men and boys. I don't have a lot of experience with them and I was really panicking about what I would do with a boy.

When he was born however, every single fear melted away.

He wasn't just a boy he was MY boy. Now we have such a fantastic bond. I couldn't imagine my life without him

Some people might not approve but gender dissapointment is a real thing.

Servicesupportforall · 12/01/2017 09:58

I think it's a bit silly to have a gender preference for baby 1 but after 2 boys I did want a girl and got 2.Shock

It's great to have the balance of personalities and genders and we are very lucky.

I hope this thread isn't going to descend the way others have recently with people piling in to say how lucky you are to have a child at all. It's perfectly ok and valid to express a gender preference even if it seems silly to others.

Regarding birds I can't see what the problem is? Her feelings are as Valid as the next but if her dd has a ds I am sure it will work out fine

Servicesupportforall · 12/01/2017 09:59

kay it's her dd whose pregnant read the posts properly

Hippee · 12/01/2017 10:02

I was told by a friend "At least you got it right third time," when I had DD - in front of another friend who also had 2 DSs.

I also overheard a conversation between a young pregnant woman and her friend "And when they told me it was a boy, I said "What am I going to do with that?""

So sad.

I think that birds is actually Wonder Woman Wink

Servicesupportforall · 12/01/2017 10:02

starkers there's loads of lovely girl clothes around but if my dds wanted to dress princess style then why not. Seriously you shudder at little girls choices? How odd

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/01/2017 10:03

YAB a bit U as you dont know why she feels that way.

When I had DS2 I was really upset and blown away when I found out he was a boy. The pg wasnt planned and I was all over the place about it, I had considered a termination as he was conceived just under 3 months after I had had his sister. At that point I had 1 DS and 3 DD's and another DD would have been so much easier, no worries about clothes, bedrooms etc as a girl would have slotted in nicely. I took me weeks and weeks to get over the shock, as I think I really did assume it would be another girl. I was not coping terribly well with the pg, especially as DD3 decided that sleep was for wimps and I had appalling SPD/PGP so getting up in the night for her was just a nightmare, so I think I put all my negative feelings into the baby being the "wrong" sex.

When he was born of course everything was fine and I adore the bones of him but I think focussing on getting ready for another girl was one of the few things that helped me feel in control of the situation, and when he turned out to be a boy I felt out of control again. It wasnt a good time, but ultimately it turned out ok, so maybe just smile and nod and gently remind her that you get what you are given!

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