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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have more or less the same phone conversation for up to an hour every week with my Mum?

210 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 08/01/2017 13:35

I can do it once a fortnight, but not every week!

I pick the phone up when she rings because she's very old and lives alone. But lately she has taken to phoning more often "for a chat". She did it today and said "have you got a minute for a quick chat about dd's birthday?" so, although I was right in the middle of something, I said ok, thought she wanted to maybe check on what present I'd bought for dd on her behalf (which we'd had a fairly long conversation about last Sunday). But then it just morphs into yet another conversation about how dreary January is, how her various friends and neighbours and their ailments are etc. Although I'd say to her dh was at work all weekend and therefore I had lots to do at home, she just can't keep it down to a quick 10 or 15 minutes Sad.

So I had to say "look Mum, I've got to go" and now I feel bad! But is it bad? I spoke to her briefly on the 31st (she said she'd been trying to get hold of me but hadn't left a message on the answerphone) for an hour on the 1st and will speak to her again when she rings to speak to dd on her birthday this week.

I find it irritating!!

OP posts:
Overthinker2016 · 08/01/2017 16:29

YABVU - hopefully if you are ever old and alone one of your children will make time for a telephone call with you.

PotatoVegetable · 08/01/2017 16:30

One whole hour. Poor you with so many more important things to do. YABVU.

FT100 · 08/01/2017 16:31

Parents can be a pain in the arse when they get older. Mine is anyway. Doom and gloom and negativity on every visit! However I think if I stopped going it would break her heart and she would be even more lonely. It's definitely duty rather than desire to visit though!

picklemepopcorn · 08/01/2017 16:31

Some DMs can talk for an hour about nothing very much without ever asking if you are ok.

That is not ok. I don't want to hear about what your neighbour watches on TV or how long you waited for a bus when I am struggling to keep my head above water and you don't care!

If OPs DM is anything like mine I can see why she doesn't have much time available for her.

Laiste · 08/01/2017 16:32

Maybe it would have been better for the first few posters to have have simply asked 'is their any back story here?' rather than poster after poster pilling in with their ''you're a selfish bitch, look at me i speak to my mother ever 20 minute'' posts.

mereswinesaliva · 08/01/2017 16:33

That might by the way to go then, OP.

Why not try giving her 15 minutes first thing you can in the morning. That'll end up being more manageable for you and it may be better for her to hear your voice on a more regular basis, albeit for a shorter time. Maybe you could switch on the news, call her, try and get her talking about something in the news. If she just wants to drone on about something else, let her while you keep one eye on the news. Just an example.

Meanwhile, if you could help her think of regular things she could do in the community that would help a lot too.

ASISAYNOTASIDO · 08/01/2017 16:33

When you're busy I get that it's frustrating.....but she is your Mum and you WILL deeply regret not spending time with her when you no longer can. My parents are old and live in a different country just to add to the complication - I FaceTime them using Bluetooth while in traffic in the car. That way we chat almost every day but I never get frustrated at not being able to do other things. Try thinking about how technology might help to ease the problem. If it's just that you're bored with the content - grow up!

MrsGB2015 · 08/01/2017 16:34

If you are too busy to talk to your mum, you are too busy to go into mums net to bitch about her!
Sounds like your mum is lonely but you don't care.

Badcat666 · 08/01/2017 16:35

You just wait until she isn't with you anymore.

You will then wish you had just 5 more minutes to hear her voice again.

CattyMcCatface · 08/01/2017 16:39

It can be irritating when they tell you the same things over and over again, and even news you've told them! But one day they won't be there anymore and I can say that you would give anything to talk to them again! Just try and keep that in mind next time?

MeadowHay · 08/01/2017 16:39

You sound really sly. My mum is early 50s and mostly healthy, lives with my two younger siblings, her cats, and my dad is there on weekends. I call her once a week and we normally talk for about 40 minutes-an hour. Sometimes she does drag on a conversation and I get a bit bored but I get that she misses me, and I do miss her as well. And not only that but we often send a few messages in between phone calls on Whatsapp as well, or share photos if we're up to anything interesting etc. You sound really mean. DH calls his elderly great auntie once a week for about 40 minutes as well as she lives on her own and is lonely and it's one of the highlights of her week, bless her. Have a bit more compassion, that could well be you in the future!!

MrsJayy · 08/01/2017 16:41

Yeah I think maybe phoning her x times a week might be better mum how are you ... oh that is a shame mrs neighbour isn't well gotta go mum ill phone you wednesday.

NavyandWhite · 08/01/2017 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daydreamer2017 · 08/01/2017 16:43

I know it sounds cliche but I promise you will miss those long chats SO much when she's gone. And without wanting to sound dramatic she could be gone at any time because life is so unpredictable. My mum was 60 and on holiday enjoying herself when I got the call to say she'd died suddenly. I thought I had years of phone calls ahead and without warning she was gone. I would do absolutely anything to chat on the phone about anything and nothing with her. Please treasure it while you can. And realise how much it means to her.

Nanna50 · 08/01/2017 16:43

How sad that you have not got one hour a week for your mother, no travelling involved either. She has waited a week to phone you, and asks for a few minutes because she knows she irritates you. What is more important than comforting your lonely mother, can you not schedule a call into your busy life? How long do you spend on mumsnet a week? More than an hour if it's familiar enough to post about your irritating mother ffs.

MrsJayy · 08/01/2017 16:44

And of course you will want your grown up children to be interested in you, you dont stop being a parent once they hit 18

NavyandWhite · 08/01/2017 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DustyBustle · 08/01/2017 16:46

Yup, YABU and yes I have read the thread.

what ever your relationship might have or have not been in the past, you are on speaking terms now, and an hour a week isn't much to give to an elderly parent.

Nanna50 · 08/01/2017 16:47

Cross post MrsGB2015 said what I said only so much better.

JustForThisFred · 08/01/2017 16:48

reallyanotherone if I had a sister I'd wonder if it was her posting. My Mum is exactly like yours.

My, almost 90 year old, Aunt is lovely. We get on really well, she's lovely, a very positive person. I have no problem ringing her frequesntly, nor do I mind hearing about the neighbours, her grandchildren or what her friend said, even if she told me the day before. She's lovely, she's easy to talk to. She's not a worrying, whinging, negative, critcal person. It makes all the difference.

Bettercallsaul1 · 08/01/2017 16:49

I shall count myself lucky if they want to continue our relationship when they are adults.

Barring a history of abuse, I think this is one of the saddest things I have read on MN.

Floey · 08/01/2017 16:50

Dear OP, I used to get bored having the same conversation with my mum. Now she is dead, I miss it.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 08/01/2017 16:53

That too picklemepopcorn. 'So, what have you been up to' (tell her something), negative/critical response & straight back to whatever she was moaning about previously, rinse & repeat.

DustyBustle · 08/01/2017 16:53

"I shall count myself lucky if they want to continue our relationship when they are adults."

Bollocks

NormansNipple · 08/01/2017 16:58

I'm with Navy.

The only emotions I feel with regard to my parents are fear and anxiety. I have very minimal contact with them. Usually a few texts every few weeks to my mum. I only see them if someone else is with me. The thought of going into their house on my own makes me feel sick with anxiety.

I'm glad that so many of you have a good or at the very least tolerant relationship with your parents, but it's not like that for everyone. Obviously there was some damage done by OP's mum when she was drinking, it's hard to come back from something like that. Especially if it hasn't been acknowledged by the parent.

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