to not want to have more or less the same phone conversation for up to an hour every week with my Mum?

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I can do it once a fortnight, but not every week!

I pick the phone up when she rings because she's very old and lives alone. But lately she has taken to phoning more often "for a chat". She did it today and said "have you got a minute for a quick chat about dd's birthday?" so, although I was right in the middle of something, I said ok, thought she wanted to maybe check on what present I'd bought for dd on her behalf (which we'd had a fairly long conversation about last Sunday). But then it just morphs into yet another conversation about how dreary January is, how her various friends and neighbours and their ailments are etc. Although I'd say to her dh was at work all weekend and therefore I had lots to do at home, she just can't keep it down to a quick 10 or 15 minutes .

So I had to say "look Mum, I've got to go" and now I feel bad! But is it bad? I spoke to her briefly on the 31st (she said she'd been trying to get hold of me but hadn't left a message on the answerphone) for an hour on the 1st and will speak to her again when she rings to speak to dd on her birthday this week.

I find it irritating!!

Think of all the hours she will spent listening to all your endless drivel when you were a kid. She's old and alone. I do understand how crazy it can send you ( my mum is not old or alone but is terribly forgetful and can easily tell me all the things she told me when I visited a couple of days previously.) I can understand there's only so many different times/ways you can say you've heard it all before. But she won't be there forever.

OP, YA sort-of BU. It's not unreasonable to find it grating, but it is unreasonable to forget that most people, including most of us, end up like this.

My aunt is a classic case. Her entire phone conversation revolves around her neighbours, her neighbours' cats, her (few surviving) friends and bugger all else. She asks me about the DC (who she loves dearly), but soon wanders back off again to discuss how the black cat from over the road was stalking her bird table again.... She likes to talk to DD as well, so DD and I have hatched a plan:
Since DAunt remembers it all the first time around, when The Crown comes out on DVD, we're buying it for her. She can then watch it and we'll have some conversation. We can check up on historical accuracy and she can relive her youth.

Would that be a useful approach with your DM?

I was always on the phone to my mum, we used to chat about a load of old twaddle but we always stayed in touch.
After she died I was chatting to a friend about how much I missed my calls and she said that she never called her mother.
Apparently she was always being to to shush and be quiet, her parents were very busy when she was growing up and so continued that even though her parents were older now and in great need of company and kept calling her.

Now I'm not saying that is what had happened here, but what we say to our young children can have a huge impact in our later years.

OP. Name change and post again saying she's your MIL.

You'll get what you want to hear then.

Try to fast forward into the future, when you are very old and your children can't be arsed to spend you a few minutes on the phone. You reap what you sow!

It may not always be convenient or exciting and you are entitled to feel the way you do but don't let it stop you calling or answering.

At some point in the future you will be the one looking forward to those calls and at some point in the past she was spending her time with the mundane chores of caring for you.

If its easier try arranging for a regular slot for 'quick catch up ' calls and keep them short or longer calls but at a convenient time. I find different approaches work with different relatives.

Skype and email are also godsend for keeping in touch with the older relatives in a more planned or async way.

Practical advice - I used to have this and dreaded it. I've now changed to calling my mum far more frequently, for shorter time, enabling more positive conversations and keeping her more involved in our day to day life. It's a vast improvement for both of us. Might work for you too.

Oh argh! Typed a massive long post on my phone and lost it. Not having a good day!!

mine is exactly the same....

a huge litany about the neighbour, her friends, the grocery shopping, people I know nothing about, aunt/uncle/cousin, how cross she is with my brother and/or his wife
Also god forbid I should phone on the wrong day, because her friend will phone her on a tuesday, my aunt will phone her at six on sunday and again after corrie on whatever day, her cousin will phone although I don't know why she bothers as she is deaf as a post, and won't wear her hearing aids
Failing that she'll be watching something, and be all offended, but won't call back after and acts the martyr.
She asks the same questions, tells the same tales, it's just exasperating.

Although I did completely tidy the kitchen last time!

and what fred said....it's not just one hour from your week, it's one hour from whatever little time you have to yourself and if you know it's all going to be the same old same old it's incredibly difficult to motivate yourself.
I have tried the little and often route too, and it doesn't work...you just end up with 3 or 4 hours of the same, plus a telling off for calling on the wrong night.

YABVU, selfish & heartless, I'm sure there were plenty of Ines your mother was bored witless by your childish babbling, but carried on regardless as she lived you.

trust me, there will,come a day when you really wish you could turn back the clock & have that same boring conversation again

I MN sometimes whilst listening to my Dad & making what I hope are the appropriate noises!

It's difficult-we don't have a lot to say to each other.

He often has the same old moan about his neighbours, although there's sometimes the odd interesting snippet about someone I actually know.

Often though he just wants to talk & know that someone is listening, rather than a two way conversation.

That's great as I often don't have much to tell him.

He usually ends with "well, thanks for calling"-even if he phoned me.

I can see why it's annoying Op & if you have stuff to do it might be nbest to say so straight off & then phone bak when you have the time & have prepared yoyrself for the same old same old!

YABU. My Mum and Dad both have depression. I phone them every morning, phone them most evenings, sometimes they phone part way through the day. I visit most days....yes it's time, but they're my parents! My Mum often talks about things she's told me at least 3 times before. It's not her fault. They tell me their woes- I'm their sounding board. But they love me and I make them feel secure by keeping in touch. One day they won't be here.

Yabvvvu
She is your mother!!!!!

I speak to my mum daily and yes sometimes she irritates me when she repeats herself or when she says/does something that I dislike but I would never not want to talk to her.

She is my mum and she is as important as any of the other important things/people in my life, I therefore make time for her no matter how busy I am. There will come a time when we can't talk anymore when she's gone and I dread that day, so I make the most of the time we do have.

I have siblings though who see my mum as a burden and it pisses me off immensely. They think their husbands and kids are more important than our mum and it really angers me, why can't a mum be as important as a partner and offspring?

Unless your mum was abusive/neglectful at some point in your childhood, I really don't understand your reasoning at all OP and in my opinion you sound far too wrapped up in yourself.

"I can do it once a fortnight".... You make it sound like a real chore to speak to your own mum, how will you feel when your own kids grow up and they behave like you are an unwanted presence in their lives?

The fact you openly and willingly begrudge your mum speaks volumes in my opinion, I honestly struggle to understand why chatting to your mum is a hassle for you.

By your own admission your mum is elderly and lives alone, why wouldn't you want to comfort her? Maybe you'll regret your selfish attitude when she's gone.

Only judging on how not to be intolerant to an older person who wants to chat on the phone, personally.
If there is no history of a 'toxic' relationship why on earth not Chat for an hour to your own mother once every 7-10 days. You'd have to have a supremely overinflated sense of your own importance to begrudge that.

You have time to type a long post on your phone OP but you begrudge your poor lonely Mum 15 minutes a week. Just wait til you are on your own and lonely. You must have a very hard heart. I used to ring my Mum every day. She came to live with me when she was not able to cope. I visited her every day in hospital to feed her. I wish she was still alive and I could ring her every day.

Do you ever hand the phone to the kids, if they're at home? Share the conversation between you all? You should do that anyway, not just because you're bored.

What works for us is taking control. When elderly rellies ring at random times for a long chat it can be really frustrating. What we do is ring regularly at times which suit us, with a natural end point for the conversation, like half an hour before school run. Or perhaps children can ring and speak to her while you are cooking tea.

This is so sad.

She is old and lonely. I speak to my parents every day and often more. One day you will wish you could just pick up the phone and hear her voice.

In fact, I am off to phone my Dad now. I consider myself so lucky to be able to do that.

I speak to my mother probably once every month - two months . I don't particularly enjoy our repetitive convos either.

I think it is highly unfair for others to negatively judge the OP, as they do not know what is in the history and can only speak for themselves. Not everyone has had a supportive and loving family / mother

Everyone saying the OP should appreciate she can talk to her mum won't stop her feeling frustrated that they have the same chat each time. I'm sure the OP knows she won't have her mum forever. I've never had a mum, or anything close for more than a few years of my life but I can still empathise that the OP finds the chats hard work.