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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have more or less the same phone conversation for up to an hour every week with my Mum?

210 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 08/01/2017 13:35

I can do it once a fortnight, but not every week!

I pick the phone up when she rings because she's very old and lives alone. But lately she has taken to phoning more often "for a chat". She did it today and said "have you got a minute for a quick chat about dd's birthday?" so, although I was right in the middle of something, I said ok, thought she wanted to maybe check on what present I'd bought for dd on her behalf (which we'd had a fairly long conversation about last Sunday). But then it just morphs into yet another conversation about how dreary January is, how her various friends and neighbours and their ailments are etc. Although I'd say to her dh was at work all weekend and therefore I had lots to do at home, she just can't keep it down to a quick 10 or 15 minutes Sad.

So I had to say "look Mum, I've got to go" and now I feel bad! But is it bad? I spoke to her briefly on the 31st (she said she'd been trying to get hold of me but hadn't left a message on the answerphone) for an hour on the 1st and will speak to her again when she rings to speak to dd on her birthday this week.

I find it irritating!!

OP posts:
Sgtmajormummy · 08/01/2017 14:24

"You'll miss her when she's gone."

Sounds trite, but it's true. I used to fill my weekly calls with the most useless details, none of which served any purpose but to make DM feel she was part of our family life. Her answers, especially as time went on, were usually: "Oh really, fancy that!" but it kept the lines of communication open and she had something new to chat about with her grandmother friends.

It's only a small thing OP. Please keep it up.

EuropeanSwallow · 08/01/2017 14:26

What other pps have said. YABU if you haven't got an hour a week to spare on the phone for your mum when she's old and lonely.

therootoftheroot · 08/01/2017 14:26

just think -when your kids are grown up and you are old and alone-would you like it if they resented talking to you for an hour a week?

Cloudhopping · 08/01/2017 14:28

I understand what you're saying-alot of my mum's conversation is about ailments and who has died/is dying and sometimes I get fed up, but it can be absolutely shit getting older and I just feel sad for my mum. You need to suck it up and be nicer. I'm sorry but I think YABU.

BertrandRussell · 08/01/2017 14:29

Hands free and get on with stuff while you chat.

Saucery · 08/01/2017 14:29

We can also lose track of how people's horizons can shrink as they get older. So what is boring to us is sort of their whole world and all they have to talk about. Becoming focused on small things can also be a sign of depression or even dementia.

raindripsonruses · 08/01/2017 14:30

I miss my twice daily calls to my Mum more than I can say. We talked about crap most of the time. I stored up stupid things to tell her: weather, some pillock at work, my crappy little garden, TV, stuff with my dd. When I hit the time of day we'd normally talk, I'd have a moment on autopilot of getting ready to call her. Then reality kicks in. We used to disagree about all sorts but I would still take that chat now over just about anything.
See what she can do to increase her social life ( my mum forced herself to because she knew it was the right thing. Even when she became housebound she would invite friends over).
Sorry, op, unless your mum is toxic, suck it up.

EvaSthlm · 08/01/2017 14:32

Lilaclily said "I play tetris on iPad while talking to my dad" ... and my dad played Tetris while he was talking to me. He's dead now, though, died in 2004.

MrsJayy · 08/01/2017 14:35

Why can't you put her on speaker phone chat while you do stuff say oh gosh the washing this family produce just drivel so she can relate to when she had a young family and busy house. your mum is lonely and wants a chat about nothing chat about nothing. 1 day it could be you that is very old and lonely.

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2017 14:37

And with regards to the quality of conversation

If someone is very elderly and lives alone, they're not really going to have a great selection of fresh things to talk about, are they?

With my almost 85yr old Dad, it's normally what he saw on TV, what book he's reading, who's recently died and who is suffering from which ailment.

And that's fine by me, even if it does get a little boring. I love him so I smile, nod and chat.

iluvshoes · 08/01/2017 14:42

Yabvu. My mum rings every Saturday and its the same covo about the lunch club she goes to or how she's not going to driving for much longer. I cannot even imagine how horrid it will be not to get this weekly call. You need to be a bit more tolerant I think. She sounds lonely.

PippiLongstromp · 08/01/2017 14:44

I think it depends on what relationship you have with your mum. Maybe there's deeper lying resentment on your side playing a factor, and maybe that's there for good reason. There's no chance I would speak to my mum for an hour a week, we have a complicated relationship and some deeper issues, which despite several attempts on my behalf to reach out to her about have not been resolved.

harrypotternerd · 08/01/2017 14:45

This post has made me very sad. My mum used to call at 7:30 every night. My brother was like you and he had no interest in talking to her because apparently she 'irritated' him. I would have her crying on the phone to me as well as in person. My brother regrets it now, I knew there was something wrong when she did not call one night and she had passed away the night before. My brother hadn't talked to her in months at this point because as he told me 'its annoying, she has nothing interesting to say'. My brother told me at her funeral that he would do anything to go back and change it.

GTS · 08/01/2017 14:47

Think you need to read your own post again and take yourself off for a quiet think about what you've said.

I imagine that having the same incessant questions you asked her over and over as a five year old were mighty fucking irritating as well, but you know what? That was her job as a parent. And now it's your job as a daughter to spend a little of your precious time talking to your elderly and most likely very lonely mother.
YABVVVVU.

gunnergirl · 08/01/2017 14:48

My mum could ring me whenever it wouldn't bother me espeically if she was old and on her own she's 74 and very active (dad still with her ) the day she isn't there at the end of a phone will be sad

JustForThisFred · 08/01/2017 14:48

Bibbity

I totally understand how you feel and I totally understand the replies.

I love my Mum and I know I'll miss her when she's gone. As much as I miss my Dad.

I know my Mum is incredibly lonely without my Dad.

She lives overseas (she won't live here & I can't move there), when she comes she stays for 12 weeks, which is lovely in some ways, but very draining in others.

However, phone calls are just very, very hard work. She's always been negative, worried, critical & 'right'. I'm not very well myself & struggle to get stuff done & hold it all together. Her phone calls just tip me over the edge and I feel so incredibly depressed afterwards.

CauliflowerSqueeze ...it's not 1/168 though really is it? It's 1/the very few left when you take out working/commuting/caring for children/cleaning/shopping/cooking/eleventybillion other things. I'm on MN now, replying to threads - somyes, I could be talking to her instead (well, actually I couldn't as it's the middle of the night there) but I just don't have the energy emotional reserves to be upbeat & not say something that'll upset her - which is SO easy to do. I can say it's cold here & she'll be cross with me for not moving there where it's hit & sunny. Proper cross. IF she wasn't such hard work I'd call far more often. Oh & you cannot call for a short chat, anything under 2 hours and clearly I'm too busy for her...She's always telling me that I should donthis/do that, asking me why haven't I done x/said/rung xyz...I'm far nearer 50 than 5, but she can't quite get a grip on that. It's easier to just avoid it - sadly.

BakeOffBiscuits · 08/01/2017 14:49

Could you phone her say twice a week but only have short convos with her?

She'd probably appreciate the more frequent calls and you won't feel bad for having to say "sorry got to go now mum"

FurryDogMother · 08/01/2017 14:49

When I'm not actually here caring for my elderly Dad, I phone him 2 or 3 times a day to remind him to take his pills, and listen to whatever he has to say. It's not always convenient, but it's something I do because I love him. I lost my Mum 30 years ago, and I would give anything to hear her prattle on once a week about whatever was bothering her. Just do it, OP.

JustForThisFred · 08/01/2017 14:50

Bertrand if I so much as move a muscle she asks what that horrible noise is. Hands free - if only. I actually play a game on my iPad (on silent) as it helps to keep me calm.

Chottie · 08/01/2017 14:50

OP - Please make some time for your mother and show her some tolerance and kindness. My DM has been dead for 12 years now and my sister and I still really miss our chats with her..

callmeadoctor · 08/01/2017 14:51

How old is she?

Primaryteach87 · 08/01/2017 14:52

Yabu - if my only contact with relatives was one hour phone call a week I'd feel pretty hard done by.... my grandmother lived with us and we visited the other every week. I know that's not always possible or doable but an hour phone call is totally doable.

Lemond1fficult · 08/01/2017 14:55

I'm afraid YABU too. I'm also a bit Shockyou wouldn't ring her on NYE to say happy new year, especially if she's on her own.

My mum does my noggin in with her rambling about people she's met on Facebook, or what's on offer at Tescos, or something annoying my dad did 25 years ago. but I do love her, and sometimes it's just having the contact that matters. One day she will be gone, and I'll miss it. 10 minutes every other day whilst doing chores is all it takes to keep us connected.

Olympiathequeen · 08/01/2017 14:58

Jesus Christ! I sincerely hope you DD finds a little humanity for her poor elderly lonely mother when she grows up. or maybe not

Waterlemon · 08/01/2017 14:59

I'm sure that all the
broken nights sleep, changing dirty nappies (possibly in the time before disposables) washing nappies, washing, feeding, cleaning, nursing you when sick, cleaning up bodily fluids, the noise, the childish squabbles, teenage tantrums, dropping off, waiting, picking up and all the other not very glamorous parenting chores were pretty irritating to your mother at times!