to not want to have more or less the same phone conversation for up to an hour every week with my Mum?

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I can do it once a fortnight, but not every week!

I pick the phone up when she rings because she's very old and lives alone. But lately she has taken to phoning more often "for a chat". She did it today and said "have you got a minute for a quick chat about dd's birthday?" so, although I was right in the middle of something, I said ok, thought she wanted to maybe check on what present I'd bought for dd on her behalf (which we'd had a fairly long conversation about last Sunday). But then it just morphs into yet another conversation about how dreary January is, how her various friends and neighbours and their ailments are etc. Although I'd say to her dh was at work all weekend and therefore I had lots to do at home, she just can't keep it down to a quick 10 or 15 minutes .

So I had to say "look Mum, I've got to go" and now I feel bad! But is it bad? I spoke to her briefly on the 31st (she said she'd been trying to get hold of me but hadn't left a message on the answerphone) for an hour on the 1st and will speak to her again when she rings to speak to dd on her birthday this week.

I find it irritating!!

No, pudcat. Where have you got 15 minutes from? You made that up didn't you? I typed a reply because someone else on the thread said I wasn't coming back! I haven't read the whole thread because, like I said, and explained to dm earlier when she said "have you got a few minutes?", I'm having a busy day!

If the OP had a poor relationship with her mum, it would have been better to mention it in the first post, as otherwise begrudging 'up to an hour' a week does look a bit mean.

Often when people age, their worlds shrink a bit, plus they may start to repeat stories, not everyone though. Plus people rarely get more positive, so their own disposition may play a part.

I think putting the speaker phone on and pottering round the kitchen while chatting is best if you don't want to concentrate too hard, plus perhaps make a time once a week to phone at your own convenience, so you are not 'dreading' the call.

This all makes me very sad, to be honest I hope my children just don't call me in this situation as I'd like them to want to speak with me and be interested in me and if they're not, I think I'd rather just not bother than have the duty call. I speak with my mum every day though so it may be a different type of a relationship.

If you are busy, why not just say 'oh mum, I'd love to chat today, but I'm super-busy, can I call you back tomorrow?' and then call.

I don't think the op should be ashamed i just think she can chat to her mother phone her twice a week or phone her before she phones you cutting off a lonely person isn't the kindest thing to do

Bibbity I really don't kno what you expect to get from this thread. As you say you started it but havent had time to look at the responses or give any meaningful reply.
Maybe you need to have a second or third thought before you start such an emotive thread

Your poor mother.

I don't think shame comes into it. oP asked if she WBU. Majority of the replies think she IBU.
Sometimes putting ourselves in the position of the person who is unwittingly annoying us can help us not be so annoyed and Elderly Relative Phoning Weekly For A Chat is one of those times for me. Even if I have heard the topics of conversation before and even if I am busy.

Can you ring her instead of you ringing her? Then you can say 'hi mum I've just got 10-15 minutes before I need to go and do x, just thought I'd see how you are'. Then you can put a time limit on the calls, and make her feel a bit more wanted by you ringing her. It might help.

I will just add one thing then might disappear for a while: I certainly don't think my children will owe me anything when they are adults. I chose to have them, I didn't find their younger years monumentally hard work (teens take more out of you than toddlers ime) and I love them unconditionally. I don't expect anything back from them just because I'm their mother. I shall count myself lucky if they want to continue our relationship when they are adults.

Dh phones his parents every week to 10 days at a time that suits him, usually on a weekday evening. I got out of the habit of phoning my mum after lunchtime in my mid 20s or so when she was binge drinking and I had too many pissed phone calls with her. I guess that put a massive hole in our relationship and so being close doesn't come naturally to me any more.

My dad died 5 years ago and I don't miss him more than very occasionally. He was 81 when he died. I've got over it!

YABVVVU.

I do sympathise, OP, as we have the same problem with my MIL. However, it just has to be done, and you have to manage the situation yourself.

You have to try and schedule the time to suit you, make sure you have a cup of tea to hand and perhaps something to do (I play Candy Crush look through catalogues or sort out paperwork quietly in the background). I have also been known to set the kitchen timer to go off after about 40 minutes, which gives me an excuse to end the call on the pretext that I have to go and deal with it.

So where is the AIBU? We get it - she's old and boring and will be dead soon anyway. So just don't bother.
I mean if relatives aren't good entertainment they don't deserve valuable time.

Bit of a dripfeed there op. You might have done better to mention the binge drinking and difficult past phone calls with her in your first post...

My suggestions:

*If you can, call her every morning for 15 minutes before you really get started on your day. Little and often might work best. Also, she'll have started her day having a little human contact which might set her mood for the day.

• One longer call once a week 30-60 minutes.
• As a pp suggested, think of topics that might interest her prior to your call. Maybe suggest things she could get involved in in the community (as it sounds like loneliness is a problem).
• Any chance you could have her round one day in the week? She could sit and chat away while you get on with stuff?

Sorry, I don't know your background or if any of my suggestions would be at all feasible.

Hope this helps.

Detaching yourself from her pissed rants must have been better for at the time but you can either detach again or you can take control I get you are not that close to her, but she is elderly she is lonely and she is your mother. Phone her chat for a bit then put the phone down or sit and dread her calls she obviously needs you even if you cant be bothered with her.

I would struggle to find somsthing to chat about for an hour on the phone with my mum short calls are better.

If you want to have a relationship with your mother despite the difficulties you have had in the past, it may help to list every single good thing about her (no matter how small).

Look over the list every time before you call her. It will get your head in a good place so the call comes from a source of love.

Ask yourself "what would love do?" and then do it. You won't regret it, I'm sure.

What kind of nasty individual begrudges their elderly, probably lonely, mother an hour of their time?

Me. Because the entire hour is spent telling me what i'm doing wrong and how i should do it her way.

For example: she asks what we did at the weekend. I say we went for a meal at x. Follow lecture that italian food is very fattening. I should be careful, and only eat y and z because that is more slimming.

Or I'll say i went shopping, and get a lecture on how she hopes i've bought new clothes because i look like a bag lady, and should stop wearing jeans and look for some nice slack more appropriate to my age, and arse size.

I'm a size 10/12, btw.

Gah! Just happened again. Typed a reply then got a phone call and it disappeared. Giving up for now. Sorry for dripfeed, didn't think it was relevant. Although if I was very close to and truly loved my mum the whole thing wouldn't be an issue I guess!

Sorry you had to cope with your mother's drinking (we have alcoholism in our family too) but if you have any love for her at all, be the bigger person for the sake of an hour a week if you can find it in your heart. Maybe some would say she does not "deserve" it, but she obviously wants to talk to you whether drunk or sober. Do you think she loves you? Do you love her?

You said in your opening statement that you felt bad when you didn't have time for her. If you're anything like me, you'll feel guilty (especially when she's gone) so in the long-run it would be easier just to call really.

Even if I adored my Mum I'd sooner have two or three quick phone calls a week than an hour at a time. An hour is a long time, especially when you've said you are busy.