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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hardly anyone is coming only hen do

209 replies

peroxidebrown · 06/01/2017 23:11

I'm so upset. Have been organising my hen do for a while - well bridesmaid is doing the bulk but if invited people, not loads maybe a dozen close friends. Two bridesmaids have pulled out even though I went to theirs which were more extravagant saying they can't afford it. It's one night in the UK. Another friend today has pulled out. It's going to be about six of us in total and I now feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Peacheyma · 08/01/2017 22:20

Similar happened to me. So had a lovely meal to start the night and invited my mum, MIL, cousins, aunts and grans. It made a great atmosphere to start, my grans loved being included and then we went on to have a fun small group night out. Don't be embarrassed; it's your night and your wedding and spend it having fun with those who love you!

LovelyBranches · 08/01/2017 22:30

OP I felt exactly the same as you. I remember crying to DH thinking I didn't have any friends. I've been on hen do's with over 30 people and there were 6 at mine (7 in the end because my cousin brought her friend along).

In the end my hen do was lovely. I had a manageable night out where I got to spend my time with my true friends. I didn't feel that I hadn't talked to each of them or that there had been splits in the group. Everyone stayed together and the group gelled. My pride went from being dented but it turned out that I had a great time and I don't feel at all obliged to the people who couldn't be there for me.

glam11 · 09/01/2017 07:50

I'm late to the party on this (excuse the pun Wink ) but I think you are perfectly entitled to feel v disappointed over your so called 2 best friends attitude to your hen do-you're paying for everything except their travel & accommodation and they can't spare the money for your hen party?! Everyone knows weddings are expensive to attend especially if you're part of the wedding party (I've spent £200-300 on hen parties/weekends in the past when I had no DC where I've not been the bridesmaid) it's part & parcel of a wedding unfortunately. If they had kids and/or were forking out for other stuff for the wedding I'd understand but this is just poor show on their part. The first thing a bridesmaid should think about when asked to be one is firstly the honor & privilege of being asked then secondly planning the hen do-which includes totting up how much it will cost & saving for it!! And they've chosen the city and now can't make it?! Strange how they both using the same excuse, have they both been talking & working out their sob story? You say they've been pretty pants friends recently....I know from personal experience how a wedding really does highlight who are your bestest friends, one of mine contributed zilch towards the prep/hen/day. You go out with the rest of your party & make sure you have a fab time, like others have said it's not about the numbers it's WHO is there & whether they'll make it a good night...please let us know how you get on! Your BFs will soon regret not going when everyone is asking about your hen do! Smile

MachineBee · 09/01/2017 08:13

I had ideas of a posh country hotel weekend break with cocktails and spa treatments for my hen do. But realised my friends were struggling with the costs of that idea, so my best friend kindly hosted a takeaway evening at her house which was near to the majority of friends homes. We had a lovely time and it took the pressure off me too as I knew everyone else was relaxed and not feeling coerced into spending more than they could afford. Hope your hen do and wedding goes really well Smile

Peace4ever · 09/01/2017 09:54

Completely agree with EmeraldIsle100, life is too short to put up with fakes. I used to get upset like this in the past for friends not tuning up, but actually it helps you find out who your best friends really are!
Make sure to adjust the plan to something that makes you happy

paperdoll83 · 09/01/2017 11:30

You will end up having a great night with the few people that actually want to be there.

But please, get rid of your bridesmaids, they don't deserve that title. For them to have their dress, hair, makeup and shoes paid for by you, and then moan about the expense of a hen night - that they arranged! - is ridiculous. They have no right to preen around on your day, having the honour of being in your bridal party when they can't support you with the hen party. I know hen nights can be a bit crap and forced fun, but if it's important to the bride, which is obviously is to you, then it's important that the bridesmaids support you; that's what they're there for, not just to be in your wedding photos.

Stop worrying about how it will all look with fewer people, and just enjoy the night with your true friends who cared enough to be there!

iMogster · 09/01/2017 13:06

YANBU. I purposely had a not over the top not expensive hen do so that I would get all the girls out. Loads still cancelled on the day and one of my two bridesmaids didn't come because it was too far. The other bridesmaid traveled double the distance and was life and soul of the party!

BabychamSocialist · 09/01/2017 15:20

As others have said - this just shows who genuinely cares. I don't have time for timewasters so it seems like you've been gifted a method of weeding out the arseholes. Hope you have a fabulous time OP, you deserve it! Wine Flowers

Totallybonkersmum · 11/01/2017 03:41

I'd feel exactly the same, tbh. The bridesmaids suggested the venue, but then pulled out! I'd find a good reason as to why they can't come, or at least give you a damn good reason as to why they can't go. I know it's post Christmas and they might be skint, but your wedding is hardly last minute. You've spent months planning it and they've had months to put some money to one side to save for your hen do.
I would say though that six sounds about right
I must admit before my wedding, I really wasn't up for a hen night; mist of my friends are male, especially as I worked in predominantly a very male orientated company. I hated nightclubs at that time too, with the heavy smell of cigarette smoke. The women who did arrange the hen night really at the end of the day, wanted to embarrass me. They brought me a present to open in front of 300 odd colleagues, all of who knew me because of the type of job I had there. The 'present' turned out to be a vibrator. I made the appearance of just laughing it off, but I admit the minute I got home, it went straight into the bin. The hens night itself was just as bad. They insisted I had a pair of the biggest knickers I'd ever seen, with something which I can remember, written on it. Looking back on it, I still view it as an ordeal. I knew much of their antics were not meant to be kind. Quite the opposite. Needless to say, only one of them turned up at the wedding, a real friend, who's since sadly passed away.
I think I felt very loathe to have a hen night because at the end of the day, I felt my husband to be was, and still is, my best friend. He's the one who wouldn't dream of embarrassing me like that at work. He wouldn't drag me into a smoky nightclub. We both loathed those sort of places. Yes, I'm more extrovert without a doubt than my husband. But then, as is now, our favourite type of evening is a takeaway. We may have a beer or something, but we hardly drink either. As my husband says, I'm a very cheap date as I don't like to be out of control of myself. I can get drunk on Diet Coke, apparently!
I'm pretty sure my so called friends thought I was marrying someone just for the sake of it and it wouldn't last. Yes, I'd had two long term relationships, then a patch of time when I only wined and dined and that was it. I did that because I realised I wanted to have some fun, be spoilt and to be friends with a future husband before anything else. My colleagues thought it was very I'd that I was seeing five men, but all knew the score. I was totally honest with all of them. My female colleagues kept adding 'durex' to my shopping list, every time I had one on my dead. Not that I needed them. Oh no, definitely not.
That was when I met my husband to be. We were friends, first and foremost. We didn't like nightclubs, but we both loved good pubs with good food! We had so many similarities! We had a whirlwind romance, to say the least. So maybe that was the reason for their cruel reaction. I do know for a fact though, that our marriage has outlived many of the cruel instigators who tried hard to upset me.
At times like this, you find out who your real friends are. OP, you don't need the ones who simply pretend. They're already showing their true colours. I would definitely find a reason somehow for them not to be bridesmaids. Maybe you could say that you're having to make some financial cuts due to the escalating costs. It'll save on two dresses, presents for them, make up and shoes. That would add up and you'd have some extra fornthe honeymoon. It's your wedding and you should make your honeymoon one to remember. We did and we have no regrets whatsoever.
Crikey, some women can be so bitchy, probably the reason why my friends are mainly male! 🙄🤔

MrsBlennerhassett · 11/01/2017 03:48

its no loss to you those people obviously arent great friends. You will be having a hen night with people who actually care about you and have made an effort to be there, and having six of those people is plenty! Youll have a great time dont let this get to you its very common for hen nights to be like this. Loads of people cancelled on mine, ended up with 8 people down from twenty. I had a mint time tho and i knew who my real friends were from that! xxx

Sherahhhbaby · 12/01/2017 19:37

I am so sorry that two of your bridesmaids have pulled out. I think you need to have an honest conversation with them to say how hurt you are and you tried to make it cheaper by going to the place they suggested. They are your bridesmaids and their job is to support you and make you happy.

That being said if one of my best friends was in financial trouble so much so that they couldn't come to my hen do I would be supportive of their choice to not go so they didn't get in worse debt. Do you know if there is more to it? I would ask if they still wanted to be bridesmaids and if they did could they plan an alternative night for you to celebrate with them even if it's at their house having a PJ party.

Personally I think 6 is a good number that everyone will be included and you can spend quality time with those who want to come.

Debbierocket123 · 12/07/2021 07:31

If it helps I’m in a similar situation to yourself. I only have two bridesmaids and one pulled out last night and the hen do is supposed to be this weekend. I invited 15 of my friends and family and only my mum and maid of honour, along with a couple of girls from my fiancé’s side. I feel hurt and embarrassed and almost don’t want to go ahead. There will be six of us in total which isn’t bad but it doesn’t stop me feeling embarrassed. Especially in front of my fiancé’s friends. I bet they’ll wonder why none of mine are turning up Hmm

ColettesEarrings · 12/07/2021 07:32

ZOMBIE THREAD

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 12/07/2021 08:02

I absolutely detest it when people tell others that they're making it far too personal; the OP is a person. There's no other way to take it. And I think it's perfectly reasonable to point out that she went to hers, so reciprocity is a normal expectation. It's particularly galling that they chose the fucking city! Cheeky fuckers.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 12/07/2021 08:03

Oh God! How annoying.

FritataPatate · 12/07/2021 08:04

@debbierocket, why don't you start a new thread. to get some helpful advice? Good luck!

3Britnee · 12/07/2021 08:09

@peroxidebrown

MissVictoria

There's no fancy dress and no need for a passport, costs are not out of the way. And I'm not going to cheat. I just feel annoyed that people expect the effort when it's them but won't do the same back especially when they claim to be best friends.

You aren't wrong but maybe ditch the night in another city and you might find more people will come. I never understand why people have to go away for it. Meal, pub, club is enough, surely.
3Britnee · 12/07/2021 08:11

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 why do people so this instead of starting their own thread.

Onlyhereforthebiscuits · 12/07/2021 08:28

@showmetheminstrels

When is the wedding? Unless it's next week I would sack the bridesmaids.

"Hi Crusilla, I've been having a good long think about the wedding. To be honest it did hurt that as a BM you weren't willing to come to my hen do, especially when we'd had such fun together at yours. It's made me realise that friendships change over the years and perhaps we're not as close to each other as we once were. That's ok, life changes over the years, but I'd like to be able to enjoy my wedding without feeling hurt and sad, so have made the decision to rethink the wedding party and I won't be having you as a bridesmaid. I don't mean this to be hurtful and I'm sorry if it is but I have realised that just as others need to do what's right for them, I need to do what's right for me also. Thank you for all our years of friendship, you have meant a lot to me over the years and I wish you well for the future."

Imagine the reply would read:

"not hurtful at all, I'm happy that you are doing what you feel is right for your day. No hard feelings this end and I love you as much as always".

As long as one would be relieved to receive a reply like that then it sounds like a plan. ☺️

HarebrightCedarmoon · 12/07/2021 08:51

ZOMBIE THREAD

IntermittentParps · 12/07/2021 08:52

I think it's poor form of the people who are your bridesmaids.
The 'I have to save up for the wedding' thing isn't a good excuse;
I've never done it myself but, surely once you know you're going to be a bridesmaid you start saving, and aim to save enough for the whole thing including the hen?

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 12/07/2021 08:55

@peroxidebrown

Thank you for not telling me I'm an entitled bridezilla! I am gutted to be honest and I'm angry with the bridesmaids pulling out- just feels like they wanted all the bells and whistles for theirs but can't be arsed to make any effort for me.
You’re not an entitled bridezilla but I don’t think it’s helpful to compare that you went to theirs. Or to complain they can’t afford it. As much as your hen night is important to you, it’s really of no relevance to anyone else, however polite most people generally are about them.

I would try and roll with it and enjoy the small affair. You’ll still have a lovely time and be made to feel special.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/07/2021 08:58

Its poor planning if they suggested the location and agreed the budget in advance, and are now pulling out due to cost.

But I've seen a situation where a hen do was agreed for a location and the budget just escalated - bride & moH just kept adding things on, activities etc, it got out if hand and people dropped like flies.

Have you considered asking people to just come along for part, or looking for ways to cut the costs to enable more people to come?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/07/2021 08:59

Also the fact that you went to theirs isnt always relevant. The hens in my twenties were quite big & lavish as people had disposable income, I've noticed the last couple (I'm 35) have been much more low key as people have kids and less spare time or money.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/07/2021 09:04

Zombie thread @peroxidebrown has hopefully been married now for 3yrs

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