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Original poster

Hardly anyone is coming only hen do

209 replies

peroxidebrown · 06/01/2017 23:11

I'm so upset. Have been organising my hen do for a while - well bridesmaid is doing the bulk but if invited people, not loads maybe a dozen close friends. Two bridesmaids have pulled out even though I went to theirs which were more extravagant saying they can't afford it. It's one night in the UK. Another friend today has pulled out. It's going to be about six of us in total and I now feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

OP posts:
MrsMattBomer · 07/01/2017 20:11

Small groups are the best Hen dos! I understand you feel hurt but honestly, you'll probably have more fun with a smaller group!

exaltedwombat · 08/01/2017 16:54

We seem to be assuming this hen night will be basically 'get pissed on over-priced booze'. If so, I'm not surprised people aren't interested! Or were you planning something more entertaining? I'll come. I could borrow a frock.

DailyFail1 · 08/01/2017 17:01

If your bridesmaids can't cope with a hen do are they really up for the job? Attending the hen is one of the only things you would expect from a bridesmaid!!

Dahelle · 08/01/2017 17:03

That is upsetting but I think you should go for it. You might have more fun in a small group. Some of the big ones I have been on a not that personal as there are so many different sets of people.
Have an extra local night out for more people too. I had 3 of us on a night away (Brighton in May which was reasonable anyway)which was fab and a big local one on another night which meant lots of people could afford it and came.
I know some people who have had 3, one abroad, 1 local, and 1 experience type thing!

mrsbeeton999 · 08/01/2017 17:05

If you move it to your home town you could spend the money you would've spent on the hotel on some lovely cocktails or a really nice champagne bar. Also even if you've already paid for the BMs dresses I would still sack them - you will still save money on hair, makeup, wedding breakfasts etc and you'll feel better about yourself. I think it's really bad form of the bridesmaids but agree 6 is a fab number for meal and drinks, spa , show or whatever you have planned.

EC22 · 08/01/2017 17:07

If you are a bridesmaid and know the hen is coming up, you make sure you have the money. It isn't on.
I'd be raging!

MollyHuaCha · 08/01/2017 17:10

Sorry to hear this. If it helps, I had 22 people on my hen night 19 years ago, but am still only in touch with 6 of them. I think a hen night with just a handful of friends could be lovely.

Shona52 · 08/01/2017 17:12

I did a gen party in my parents back garden (because I knew many of my friends and family couldn't afford to do anything and wanted a special night) so got a casino company for a couple of hours black jack and roulette. My dad did the BBQ and my mums friends husbands got in the black ties and were cocktail waiters for the night. Was the best night ever had. Was a shame because all the boys were dropping the girls off and having a curry night out in town for the stag night (think they all wanted to stay for the party).

DagenhamRoundhouse · 08/01/2017 17:13

Hen and stag nights are the work of the devil and if I was PM I'd ban them. Never 'ad them in ma day...>!

Sheffmum1 · 08/01/2017 17:17

Bless you. It pisses me off too when people change their minds last minute - just say if you can't go in the first place!- I've had this so many times when trying to organise girls nights out and only a few (I.e. the same special people!) turn up. I had one friend on my hen do who says she wasn't come as she buying a washing machine! Ha! So I totally understand your upset. Listen.... ENJOY yourself , switch your attention to sharing it with the people that care about you... and tell everyone else how AMAZING it was (they will feel bad). Have a great time and good luck for wedding day! Xx

Marymoosmum14 · 08/01/2017 17:27

I had my mum, my DD and 2 friends at my hen do and I loved it.

goodbeans · 08/01/2017 17:42

Hi OP, haven't RTFT but just wanted to add that one of my oldest friends didn't come to my hen at fairly short notice and I felt quite hurt at the time. It was only afterwards that I found out the real reason: she had just miscarried and was feeling really low. My point being that there might be other reasons that you're not aware of - and they don't want to burden you with - so try not to let it get you down. Congratulations on your wedding x

Riversleep · 08/01/2017 17:42

If you're not that bothered about seeing the bridesmaids again anyway, then sack them as bridesmaids and uninvited them from the wedding. You will have to see them in the pictures forevermore and be reminded of how crap they were. Sounds like if they have said the same thing, they have been bitching about it behind your back and egged each other on to not go. Especially if they are also moaning about the cost of your wedding and theirs was way more expensive. How many bridesmaids have you got? It seems to be a trend now to have loads of bridesmaids. It used to be just one or two. Enjoy your hen do and maybe see if you can rearrange for somewhere that suits just the 6 of you better. And don't reinvite them to the closer/cheaper event.

DramaQueenofHighCs · 08/01/2017 17:43

Sorry you are upset. If it helps, there were only three of us on my hen night in the end due to various reasons and we had a whale of a time.
I understand your dissappointment (I was upset at my low numbers at first) but you will still have a great hen night. Honest,

Revealall · 08/01/2017 17:54

It's time to send that email:

Dear Bridesmaids.
I am so sorry I have put you in a difficult financial position with my hen do.I know would attend as my bridesmaid if you could. Perhaps I am being a bit bridezilla with the wedding so I am reducing the size and so you two can attend as guests without any extra expense.
xxx

user1473879477 · 08/01/2017 18:05

Seriously, you are being totally reasonable! How close are you really to the bridesmaids that have cancelled? Can you not have it out with them properly face to face or by phone? Second the comments about pointing out what you did to theirs and all costs.

I had a trip to Ibiza for a best friend's hen. TBH that was a bit much but sucked it up and saved despite being VERY skint saving for own wedding. That was a big ask but would have regretted not going on the main do.

I am now pregnant and will have a 4 to 5 month old baby when it is another of my best friend's hen dos in Barcelona. Will have to stash my milk if breastfeeding and have discussed with my husband possibly coming out to be near just in case and we tag on holiday at the end. Who knows how I will feel once the baby arrives but my friend is getting married once and she came to mine (in Liverpool but not too much cost difference). Pretty certain I will miss my baby but they will be in good hands and will be lovely to have some girly time.

And it won't be something I 'endure' as will be in company of friends having picked activities we should all enjoy.

Appears that nowadays too many people put themselves first and don't think of others i.e. I'm too skint but still get my nails done twice a month.

Yes, Barcelona will cost and I will be on bloody statutory maternity at that stage. But will save money now.

If circumstances have not drastically changed for them I think know you need to seriously reconsider their friendship and also paying for their bloody hair and make-up!!

PUGaLUGS · 08/01/2017 18:14

6 is a good number, don't be disheartened.

One of my close friends got married last Sept and people pulled out of hers, best thing ever. Was easier for us to get into places (some bars/restaurants had been pre booked) but for the rest of the time it was easier to keep track of everyone.

rubia · 08/01/2017 18:20

I'd be hurt too but then I get hurt far too easily 😳

Ebayaholic · 08/01/2017 18:36

You need to create two levels of bridesmaid: chief and non-chief. The chieves are those who went on the hen night. When doing the photos have the photographer call for some 'bride and all bridesmaids' shots and then 'bride and chief bridesmaids' shots then never release the photos with your unsupportive bridesmaids.

Cucucachoo · 08/01/2017 18:44

Exactly what reveal and showme said. Especially as you were going to let the friendship dissolve. It's your wedding, don't incur extra meal costs/accommodation etc... for them and presumably their plus ones and have them in your wedding photos (forever). It's your and DPs special day do spend it with people wanting to be there.
You have nothing to lose by not having them there.
They don't sound supportive at all. The ladies attending the 'new and improved' hen night are the ones to focus on

pollymere · 08/01/2017 19:02

I had six good friends and a night out. It's quality, not quantity that matters surely?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 08/01/2017 19:45

I agree: their services and attendance are no longer required.

OP, you're now getting sad thinking about having to look at their pictures! That's just not right.

Have only people who can bring good vibes to your wedding. These two will not.

Mrsglitterfairy · 08/01/2017 19:59

I had my hen do in march last year, long weekend at a U.K. resort. Was originally booked in the July the year before with 14 of us, by the time we went, there was only 6 of us in total. And we had the best time ever! The people that wanted to be there were and the people that weren't there didn't make any difference. Just enjoy it for what it is OP and I bet you'll have a fabulous time

user1473879477 · 08/01/2017 20:46

nd as others have said, 6 people can actually be much better. For one, you're less limited in bars and can usually go to classier ones if you want.

Never feel stupid though. I used to manage stag and hen party bookings and it was VERY common for people to drop like flies once money was asked for. The parties still went ahead and they often had a great time still. (And like I said, if they went out they could usually go to better places).

Social media is a f**cker. I honestly wish it had never been invented sometimes. My friends don't gush over each others like some do (and never take selfies) but even when you know likes and the like shouldn't matter they can make you feel like shit. BUT I do get what you're saying but equally when you see massive groups you tend to think 'Did you invite every man and their dog'. A lot do! If I see smaller hens I tend to think they've kept it low-key.

I attended a hen do abroad where two of the bride's closest friends didn't go. Costs actually quite low. One claimed too costly despite always gallavanting around on holidays left, right and centre. I know it hurt her and I was fuming on her behalf (that friend was also a good friend of mine). Everyone on the hen loved the bride and didn't think she was a loser. We did feel sorry for her but not pity, just gutted for her, as the loveliest person and turnout no reflection on her. Made it out mission to ensure she had the best time possible.

She's still best friends with the one who dropped out. That friend is fine but can sometimes unwittingly be selfish. Sometimes you need to know a friend's limitations and decide if you can hack it.

Icedsilhouette · 08/01/2017 21:00

OP trust me, you will have a much better time with those who have made the effort to attend than anyone else. I was gutted I couldn't make my friends hen do, but I had a 5 week old, it was in another city and my husband was away. It was also arranged when baby was only 3 weeks old, so pretty last minute! If husband was in the same country I would've done my damnedest to be there for at least part of it. I went on to be bridesmaid with a 6 week old in tow, again in a different city, solo as the husband was still away. There was no way I was missing that wedding! My baby even came down aisle with me!

Friends that matter make the best effort they can. Don't get stressed about it, you can't force them to make the effort, but definitely don't let them spoil your night!

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