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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hardly anyone is coming only hen do

209 replies

peroxidebrown · 06/01/2017 23:11

I'm so upset. Have been organising my hen do for a while - well bridesmaid is doing the bulk but if invited people, not loads maybe a dozen close friends. Two bridesmaids have pulled out even though I went to theirs which were more extravagant saying they can't afford it. It's one night in the UK. Another friend today has pulled out. It's going to be about six of us in total and I now feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Quintessing · 07/01/2017 10:56

How many bridesmaids do you have?

Have you already bought their dresses etc? If not, ditch them saying you are cutting down expenses too, and wont need so many bridesmaids. If they struggle to find the money to pay the train journey, they should be pleased at no longer being in the wedding party, as they wont have to attend the wedding. Cut them now, rather than later, if they are not great friends.

Lookingforadvice123 · 07/01/2017 11:01

You're not BU at all, and the pp who've said you are because you expect people to make an effort when you've made an effort are being unfair. It's totally acceptable to hope your friends return the effort and enthusiasm that you've given them, otherwise it's hardly an equal friendship is it!

This year I have three hen's and I'm sacrificing a summer holiday because it's going to be so expensive. Yes on one hand I do begrudge the cost as they're all £300-400 a pop, but at the end of the day they're all my good friends who all came on my hen three years ago and I want to help them celebrate their special weekend!

I think you'll still have a great time regardless though, numbers don't mean anything.

kel12345 · 07/01/2017 11:10

I agree, the people that are coming are the ones that really care. Have a great time
(I didn't have a hen night at all, but choice).
But I do know how you feel. My so called best friend told me a week before my wedding she wasn't coming (plus the constant put downs about it all before that).
It hurt but I was better off. As will you be on your hen night

origamiwarrior · 07/01/2017 11:11

Is it too late to amend your hen night plans? Could you gather together (by email) the remaining guests and say that you've unexpectedly got fewer guests so you're going to rethink your hen plans, and will now to keep it local, and have cocktails, followed by a meal in a nice restaurant. In all honesty, that's the only type of hen do that I would enjoy anyway.

Your bridesmaids are crap by the way. Going on the hen do is one of the 'responsibilities' of being a bridesmaid and they shouldn't have accepted if they were going to pull out.

pictish · 07/01/2017 12:09

"It's totally acceptable to hope your friends return the effort and enthusiasm that you've given them, otherwise it's hardly an equal friendship is it!"

I agree with this. Considering both their their own hen nights were more lavish and they are bridesmaids I think it's a poor bloody show.

I hate these dos and I'm perpetually skint, but I'd still be there with bells on.

Turquoisetamborine · 07/01/2017 12:27

Have you invited aunties, mother in law, etc to increase the numbers if it would make you enjoy it more with more people there? What about work colleagues?

Dilligaf81 · 07/01/2017 12:30

Small groups are so much better at hens. Ive been to loads and the ones with under 10 people are much much better, you feel like the close-knit friends not just a massive group for the sake of looking popular. Have a great time and forget the people who cancelled or cant come, your there and its for you. X

YelloDraw · 07/01/2017 12:32

Tbh it is unreasonable of you, just because they are a bridesmaid or you went to theirs doesn't obligate them to spend a load of money coming on a night out.

What?? Actually being a bloody BM does obligate you to put on a nice hen do for your friend! You are meant to like them and want nice things for them!

Some people on MN have a skewed concept of friendship.

YelloDraw · 07/01/2017 12:34

What showmetheminstrels said.

SummerSazz · 07/01/2017 12:43

I sacked off a BM before my wedding and uninvited her too. It really was the best thing to do and I'm glad I bit the bullet and did it before the wedding.

I've enjoyed every hen do I've been on btw Smile

SummerSazz · 07/01/2017 12:44

Yes, showmetheminstrels wording is good but you need to be explicit if canning them totally from the wedding.

SeaWitchly · 07/01/2017 12:49

OP you may have already posted this information but I was wondering what had actually been arranged for the hen do?

Because it seems to me that if this is a local do, in a bar or restaurant then it shouldn't cost any of the guests more than they are willing and able to pay. They can always consider getting a lift or a bus rather than a taxi, also eating beforehand and having a starter rather than 3 course meal, drinking soft drinks rather than alcohol. So imo not being able to afford it is not a relevant excuse unless there is a set cost to the night which is now unaffordable [i.e minibus hire, set price for expensive meal, etc] although even then the bridesmaids should really have budgeted in advance and not been so lame.

SeaWitchly · 07/01/2017 12:51

Also particularly as they were the ones who approved the venue/event and therefore really should have budgeted accordingly!

BackforGood · 07/01/2017 18:21

YABU to be upset because of what people think of you on social media Hmm
To my mind, any 'hen do', should be arranged keeping in mind what the people who it is important for you that they are there, will enjoy and can afford. The impression I'm getting from this thread is it seems more about 'appearance', or what you feel 'ought' to be done.

PaulDacresConscience · 07/01/2017 18:39

I think it's fine for them to not attend, you're expecting them to spend money and that should never be dictated

Sheldon the BMs are the ones who selected the venue for the OP's hen do. They have also had hen do's of their own, which were more expensive and which the OP was expected to attend (and duly did). So how does that stack up then?

angeldelightedme · 07/01/2017 19:06

They have also had hen do's of their own, which were more expensive and which the OP was expected to attend (and duly did). So how does that stack up then?

If sounds like everyone disikes the hen dos, and it is a case of people putting themselves out to go as a favour to the bride, , why bother having them?

PaulDacresConscience · 07/01/2017 19:12

Angel - if it were me, I'd agree with you, because a 'typical' hen do these days is my idea of hell. But I'd interpreted OP's post as being disappointed that she'd made the effort for her friends, but that they weren't bothering for her despite having chosen something that would suit them.

It also sounds like a pretty spurious reason not to go. I am genuinely sympathetic to anyone who is having money struggles - and weddings and the associated hoo-ha can be extremely expensive. But to claim being 'skint' when you are still going on days out and shopping trips (as OP's 'friends' are) is pretty rude. Likewise having a dig about the wedding when the only cost they are incurring is the cost of getting there and accommodation, because their hair, makeup and outfits are all being paid for, is just rude and lazy.

Nobody has to go to a wedding - or a hen do. But if you don't want to go then don't lie about it - especially to someone who is a friend and who put the effort in for your wedding celebrations.

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 07/01/2017 19:20

We had about 170 to our wedding. My spa day and pizza dinner hen day had about 8 people invited. One pulled out in the day - more fool her. She was too tired. In the end a few pulled out of the dinner on the day - they didn't want to get home late🙄 Which upset me. The point is, some people are flakey but 7 people was a really nice number. I wouldn't want any more. I wanted actual friends, not just females I knew. I also wouldn't have wanted to try to go-ordinate a large number of people - 7 was hard enough. Honestly it doesn't matter the number if they are fun and good mates. I've had great nights out with 2 or 3 people before. 6 is plenty.
I didn't discover that wedding , children etc became the time when it weeded out the true friends - people who would make a real effort and valued me.

angeldelightedme · 07/01/2017 19:39

Hen do and weddings are supposed to be celebrations, not an unaffordable ordeal to be endured as a test of friendship.
I wonder if things have got out of hand nowadays?

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 07/01/2017 19:39

Peroxide - I just read you comment about all the pics going on FB and oneupmanship. I think that is really honest of you to admit that and actually I hadn't considered it. Luckily I am an old bag and my hen was pre-FB days. I think MySpace had just been launched!
I totally understand why it may make you more sensitive. Last year our family we're going through very tricky issues - disabled DC-based, and I ended up deactivating FB until I could cope with it again. I think it was 4-6 mths. I gained lots of time! But I imagined everyone would notice and they didn't (again maybe my age). It gave me headspace when I needed it. Could you pretend you are doing a digital detox to deal with this issue. So go NC with social media for a few months. You may find it really helps ❤

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 07/01/2017 19:40

Oh, one more think. The BMs are being bitches. I agree take role of BM and suck up the duties that come with it

PaulDacresConscience · 07/01/2017 19:49

Hen do and weddings are supposed to be celebrations, not an unaffordable ordeal to be endured as a test of friendship. I wonder if things have got out of hand nowadays?

I think they have. My hen do was a night out round the local town - complete with L plates and a net curtain! - followed by a taxi home and much ribbing at work the following week when they had the photos developed (old gimmer). These days a hen do doesn't seem to be complete unless it involves lots of money, your passport and a significant chunk of your annual leave.

I think people should have the hen do that they want. However I also think that a cult of 'the wedding' has developed, fostered by an increasing interest in aping what celebrities do. I remember buying the mag that covered the Beckham's wedding and me and my friends gawping at how lavish it seemed. These days the concept of his n' hers thrones doesn't seem remotely outlandish! I probably sound as if I am having a dig - and I really am not. Spend your money how you want! However I find it baffling that people go into debt and spend tens of thousands of pounds on one day. I also find the whole 'I'm a princess' mind-set, where you get the impression that the groom, the guests and everyone else is just a secondary player to the bride, pretty weird. Fortunately I have only been to one wedding where that was the case.

1horatio · 07/01/2017 19:54

My hendonwas quite expensive. But there was only one woman (and me) that has to take the plane to my native country.
And my mother payed for the Hendon for everyone. I wouldn't have wanted my bridesmaids to pay a lot of money...

1horatio · 07/01/2017 19:55

Something small is nice as well...?

3luckystars · 07/01/2017 19:55

Can you rearrange it in your home town? I think they have handled it very badly and I am not surprised you are hurt,but if they can't afford it then can you make it cheaper?
For my hen night (many years ago) my friends were all like "let's go to Barcelona, let's go away!" Etc but I put my foot down and said no way, I was having in my own home town, I knew when it came to it, there would be complaints about the cost. Plus I also wanted to be able to leave if it was shit!
it was brilliant, brilliant brilliant. Everyone had a ball and loads showed up. Your hen night can be steessful and emotional because it's a bit of a dry run at the wedding and you can feel a bit responsible for everyones fun. It's hard to explain but I would recommend simplyfying and making it cheaper.

cancel the trip, have it at home and enjoy your cheap night out with your friends. That's what it's all about.

No way would I go away for a hen night anywhere. I just can't afford it. It doesn't mean I don't love them, I just can't do it. I hope you have a good night x

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