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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hardly anyone is coming only hen do

209 replies

peroxidebrown · 06/01/2017 23:11

I'm so upset. Have been organising my hen do for a while - well bridesmaid is doing the bulk but if invited people, not loads maybe a dozen close friends. Two bridesmaids have pulled out even though I went to theirs which were more extravagant saying they can't afford it. It's one night in the UK. Another friend today has pulled out. It's going to be about six of us in total and I now feel embarrassed about the whole thing.

OP posts:
witsender · 07/01/2017 08:32

I really hate hen dos. However, financial situations change, it may not be just about making an effort. And to be really blunt, I'm quite Hmm that you seem more perturbed about the appearances aspect...What it'll look like on bloody Facebook and what will everyone think than the fact that some people who presumably you are very close to have pulled out.

Why does it have to be a big night away elsewhere? What about a big night out nearby and then home?

OhhBetty · 07/01/2017 08:38

One of my good friends is having a hen do but I can't go. I'm a single mum and I simply can't afford it or get childcare. I really hope she doesn't think bad of me but I just don't have any money to spare. I've never been married so maybe I don't "get" it but I'm hoping my friendship means more to her than my attendance of a night out.

Champers4Pampers · 07/01/2017 08:42

YANBU, I'd be really annoyed with your "so called" bridesmaids especially. They've known about it for long enough and should of been able to budget for it. Are you paying for their dresses/shoes etc for the big day? Are they close with each other? It wouldn't surprise me if they'd discussed pulling out together before telling you.

In regards to numbers. I wouldn't worry about it. Looking back I was I bit of a diva & had 2 hens. One away with 6 of my close friends & another in my home town with a larger crowd. I really should of just stuck to the small one, much more fun. Go, have an amazing time & completely forget about the friends who have let you down.

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 07/01/2017 08:42

If, as I presume, you've been planning your wedding for a while. Then there's no excuse for bridesmaids to claim poverty for your hen do.
Weddings are expensive, for both the wedding part and guests. If you don't have the ability to save for all wedding events then you should turn down the lovely request to be a bridesmaid at the very beginning.
Right at the start, if I'm invited to a wedding I start to plan the dress, shoes, bag, beauty regime and gift. Occasionally the overnight stay or the taxi home, the child care and the logistics of getting GP's over to help out and then decide if I have enough disposable income to cover it all.

I personally would love a spa day, few cocktails and a nice bed in a hotel over pub crawls and clubs but that might be my age showing Grin
6 is fine, enjoy yourself anyway.

moongirl123 · 07/01/2017 08:43

Most hen dos are tacky. And it is sad if people are taking pictures for FB popularity. I'd rather have ColaBottle10's hen do. Sounds lovely and memorable.

1horatio · 07/01/2017 08:49

We went shooting, had some lovely food and later went to the spa. It was great :)

We were a really small group but still had a lot of fun (but didn't post anything on facebook). I don't think there's anything to be ashamed off, op.

thecolonelbumminganugget · 07/01/2017 09:01

Joint stag and hen?

DP and I are doing this because I know i would end up in the same boat as you and it would have been upset when all DPs friends made the effort for him and mine were flaky (plus we have a lot of mutual friends who would feel obliged to go to both). I love my friends but they are really unreliable.

I'm sorry OP I don't think YABU. There are always ways round things if you're strapped for cash or time and in my experience people are understanding and accomodating when youre in this situation, but sometimes if someone is your friend you take your brownie smile out of your pocket, slap it on and make the effort. Its called not being a shit friend

Littlechip · 07/01/2017 09:01

ShatnersBasson, that is absolute nonsense. They've already shown themselves to be terrible bridesmaids. If they didn't want to be bridesmaids they should have agreed to do it in the first place.
Hope you have a nice time OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2017 09:03

Peroxide 6 is plenty, you will have a fantastic time. Yes I can see how hurt you are, but you have a nice little number there.

diddl · 07/01/2017 09:04

Sack them?

Well that would be petty!

It can see that it's hurtful.

Is the one who has been organising it still going?

If not & it's not exactly what you want then reorganise if possible.

A small group is fine imo, don't be embarrassed!

Groovee · 07/01/2017 09:09

Hardly anyone came to mine! But we had a great night.

Original poster
peroxidebrown · 07/01/2017 09:13

Loving the support on this thread! I'm going to make the most of it and tell people I don't want to waste loads of time posing for and filtering various photos. I really do think Facebook and Instagram are slowly ruining people's enjoyment of experiences- everything is for show. As I mentioned at the last hen I was on people were getting up during the meal to pose together for various photos - the whole event felt like a PR led photoshoot. I am going to tell the girls there I don't want all that i won't even enjoy posing for photos at my wedding!

I really want to say something to the two bridesmaids not coming but feel I've missed the boat as I already told them "fine" and now I don't want them there. They have been crap friends in many ways recently and after the wedding am thinking of detaching and just drifting from them.

OP posts:
Empress13 · 07/01/2017 09:14

It's a bit pants considering they knew the date so should have said beforehand if they knew they couldn't afford it so close to having had Christmas. It's also worse in think because you have personally chosen them to be your special bridesmaids so YANBU.

OP go and enjoy it sod them I'm sure you'll have a great time nonetheless and congratulations !

ohtheholidays · 07/01/2017 09:14

My BF had her hen night in September and she was expecting nearly 15 people in the end there was 7 of us and we had a brilliant night!

We all got the chance to chat to one another and we had a real laugh and made some really happy memories for my friend.

I was my BF's Matron of Honour,I'm disabled and ill and I have 5DC and 2 of our DC are disabled as well and I still managed to organize and turn up for my friends hen night.I think the 2 bridesmaids that have pulled out are acting awfully even more so now you've said that they chose where your going for your hen night!

Sod them OP go and enjoy yourself I bet you'll have a great night and don't worry about facebook,people took pictures and posted them on facebook of my friends hen night and everyone that commented on the pictures were really positive.

pictish · 07/01/2017 09:16

Shatners - did you read this bit of the OP?

"Two bridesmaids have pulled out even though I went to theirs which were more extravagant, saying they can't afford it."

They are not 'just' saying what lots of people think about hen nights. They were happy for OP to endure the expense on their own hen nights. Hmm

Secretspillernamechange · 07/01/2017 09:17

Ditch the flaky bridesmaids from the wedding party and have a fab time with the good friends that are coming with you.

Original poster
peroxidebrown · 07/01/2017 09:18

I wonder how easy it will be to not include them in many photos? Confused

OP posts:
ny20005 · 07/01/2017 09:19

Ditch the bridesmaids from your wedding party - you don't want them spoiling your day & your memories when you look back at photos !

heron98 · 07/01/2017 09:19

MissVictoria - you sound very negative! Hen dos are whatever the bride makes them, I have been to some fab ones that are just friends hanging out, no particular drinking or spending money. It's about celebrating your female friendships and I think is a nice tradition.

I can understand why the OP is upset.

frostyfingers · 07/01/2017 09:20

Is there time to start again and pick somewhere you 6 would like to go? Make it all about the people who are coming and have a fab time - ignore the rest. I only had a small group and we had a great day, very low key and in the knowledge that those who were there wanted to be there rather then just felt they ought to be.

pictish · 07/01/2017 09:22

OP you might want to think about doing away with bridesmaids and just having a MOH instead or something. These two selfish shellfishes will be in all your photos like they deserve to be, otherwise.

littleme2016 · 07/01/2017 09:26

6 is fine....I had 9 at mine and found that a bit much at times (glad I didn't have the close to 20 we originally planned for)

I'm not a big pub crawl person so it involved lunch, shopping, a lot of chilling, fun and games in the apartment before going for a few drinks in 1/2 pubs, dancing and karaoke.

My cousin had a similar hen a few yrs ago and everyone has said how much they enjoyed them compared to the typical all day pub crawl.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 07/01/2017 09:27

I really wouldn't have them as bridesmaids tbh, they've been shit friends & can't even be bothered to make the effort for your hen do-why would you pay for them to be at your wedding?
6 is a good number, you'll have a fab time I'm sure.

Starlight2345 · 07/01/2017 09:28

yes you could always tell them you have decided to cut the budget from your wedding..2 dresses need to go.

6 people is a much nicer number in my opinion..

ConvincingLiar · 07/01/2017 09:29

6 people, no Facebook, you'll have a great time. Your bms are a bit unreasonable in deciding that you can't have the same type of hen do they had (unless life has moved on), arranging something they can't afford (allegedly) and backing out at short notice. I would tell them I was disappointed.

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