AIBU to think this woman at the gym was rude?

[sofiathesecond]

Just finished showering dd at the gym, woman goes 'ooh what lovely hair she has, is she half or quarter-caste?'

Hate the term 'half-caste', I would always say mixed race. Aside from this, I also think asking mine or my daughter's racial identity is a bit rude. AIBU?

allchattedout "also I am not blind and can work out myself if they are mixed race or not"

Um, it doesn't necessarily work like that! My sister has much much darker skin that I do.

I am often mistaken for Spanish when in the US. She would not be mistaken for Spanish.

this is why people shouldn't make assumptions - we could both be Spanish! Or Irish!

allchattedout "also I am not blind and can work out myself if they are mixed race or not

Yeah, that came out wrong. I meant I might wonder to myself whether they are mixed race based on what I see (if not immediately obvious) and not ask, because it isn't really any of my business...

I have no idea what a mixed race person would look like.

There are huge variations of skin colour, height, hair etc. etc. within any race.

I got asked if I was mixed by a couple of local men while on holiday in Barbados, apparently I don't look 'just' English. Didn't occur to me to be offended, I was chuffed more than anything!

I'm not mixed raced, just the bog standard Euro mutt but I tan well and left to it's own devices my hair resembles a Beyonce wig

ah, there's always one Janet. I don't get what is to be chuffed about either.

we are all lovely surely? I mean that quite seriously. I don't really give a shit where anyone is from. It doesn't have any connection with whether or not they will be a nice person or a good friend in future. It just doesn't have anything to do with anything really.

by "there's always one" I meant there's always one on these threads who pops up to say they were flattered to be mistaken for something other than what they are.

Oh dear I seemed to have fallen into some kind of trap, silly me should have known better than to add my experience to the discussion.

Yes, I was flattered to be mistaken for something other than the stereotypical, lobster skinned Brit abroad. If you chose to read more into that then that's your issue.

So, she made a nice comment about your daughter and you have chosen to be offended by it . Unless she asked you in a nasty way and followed up with a derogatory comment about a specific race, I would take it as a nice thing and not think anything more about it.

I've been asked a million times by strangers if I'm Scandinavian because I'm so fair. Also been asked quite a few times if I wear coloured contact lenses because my eyes are very green.
And when people hear me speak I've (mystifyingly) several times been asked what country I come from. Apparently some people can't identify an RP accent. (My family are Londoners for generations)

I get that exact same question often, Frumious, and I'm black. I used to get a bit huffy about it but now I just wind the questioner up. So now the conversation goes:

Stranger: Where are you from?
Me: London
Stranger: No, where are you really from?
Me: South East London
Stranger: I mean, before that...(yes, someone actually said that to me once!)
Me: Well, I was born on the Kent/London border and since then I've lived all over London; West, NW....

I carry on until their eyes glaze over.

I am wondering why didn't you correct her when she said it. I remember I worked in an old peoples home and a colleague used the term coloured I corrected her and she apologised. I don't think she meant any offence but some people haven't caught up yet. I grew up in London and where I live now is a small town that used to be a village. I am very over protective of my children and know one to my knowledge has ever used racist language to my children. Although I have heard stories from other parents but it has never happened to my children.

Having read this thread, I think I understand people'S points of view more. I have never had an issue with people asking about my heritage because it's quite obvious that I'm not white and lots of people (myself included) are curious about other parts of the world and also find it interesting how genetics work. It's also nice knowing if you have common ground with someone. Sometimes I suspect someone might be from similar backgrounds to me so I ask. But this thread has shown me that some families can be complicated and discussing heritage can lead to uncomfortable discussions. In future I won't ask. I won't be offended if someone asks me though (as long as the intentions in their questions are genuine!)

Op totally agree. Completely unnecessary and inappropriate. FWIW I've been complimented on my hair many times (about the inky thing anybody compliments me on!) and nobody has ever asked about my heritage or my grandparents or tried to determine what part of my skin colour/hair genes come from different parts of my family.

Years ago I worked in an environment where everyone was about 10-20 years younger than me and were predominantly BME. One day I referred to someone as half-caste, there was a bit of a silence and a very young (mixed race) colleague smiled and said very gently "Liinoo, nowadays it's polite to say mixed-race', and the conversation moved on. I always remember her graciousness in correcting me so kindly and was grateful she stopped me using a potentially offensive term again.

Nowadays I would probably use the term Dual heritage but I dislike it as many people I know would be triple or quadruple or even more heritage. MIxed Heritage would be more accurate.

In what context would it be essential to refer to someone's heritage, other than perhaps a medical one?

Janet "Oh dear I seemed to have fallen into some kind of trap, silly me should have known better than to add my experience to the discussion. Yes, I was flattered to be mistaken for something other than the stereotypical, lobster skinned Brit abroad."

oh sorry, I really did not mean that as a trap or anything nasty at all. I never think of that stereotype at all btw.

Angela "It's also nice knowing if you have common ground with someone. "

agree. but for me that would never be race-linked.

I can totally see why it made you uncomfortable OP. There's lots of feminist literature on black women and their hair, it can so often be fetishised, usually unintentionally. I imagine a lot of it applies in mixed race cases. No one wants their child spoken about like they're in a petting zoo ffs. Just as I don't want my arse complimented by some stranger (to paraphrase a poster above "it's just a compliment calm down dear") I imagine compliments on the 'unusual-ness' of hair can wear pretty thin very quickly.

No worries Lorelei, sorry for snapping. Race is such a minefield I should perhaps have thought twice before contributing my lighthearted anecdote.

Regarding the word the lady used, any chance English wasn't her first language?
It is not mine, and although I have been living here for years, I wouldn't be sure which term to used. When you have learned English in school it means you could have learned the PC term from 20 years ago IYSWIM.
Also, to add to the confusion, coloured/of colour would be the literal translation of the PC word in my native language, whereas anything containing "race" would be un-PC.

However, terminology apart, asking a stranger about heritage is strange in my opinion.

But I also get 'are you German?' as well as 'is the name German?'. That IS personal and I then explain that my mum is German, I was born there but grew up here. So that IS a personal question.

Atleast you are are being asked these questions at a stage of the relationship when you know each other's names!

It's the sort of thing my, 85 year old, mum might say in innocence, not meaning to be rude or offensive.

When she's been to hospital, doctors she comments about names, spelling, where people are from etc etc.

We can cope with it at home but it can be embarrassing when still at the hospital etc, especially as she's a loud clear voice.

She does it about clothes too, particularly clerical garments. ( she made quite a few for my late Dad.)

In this case it wasn't my mum - she doesn't swim! But on behalf of those of us with older parents I apologise.

CP

Sorry - not swimming. She doesn't go to gyms either.

I wouldn't ask a total stranger about their or their child's heritage. It's easy to give a compliment without requesting personal information in return. She could have just said "what lovely hair"

She may have thought she was using the correct terminology but even if she'd used dual heritage, she's still requesting personal information from a total stranger. OP may not want to speak about her families relationships to a total stranger, and she doesn't need a reason not to want to and shouldn't be made to feel obliged to share it just because a compliment was given first. It outs OP in a situation where she has to make a choice between explaining her child's heritage to a total stranger when she'd rather not, or beings told she is the rude one if she replies "that's personal information I'd rather not share but thanks for the lovely compliment"

I think you might get a bit of a hard time OP and get a lot of replies saying she was just being nice and that you're making a fuss, but I don't think you are and think it's cheeky to ask total strangers their family history, with or without a compliment first.