AIBU to think this woman at the gym was rude?

[sofiathesecond]

Just finished showering dd at the gym, woman goes 'ooh what lovely hair she has, is she half or quarter-caste?'

Hate the term 'half-caste', I would always say mixed race. Aside from this, I also think asking mine or my daughter's racial identity is a bit rude. AIBU?

Cringworthy, but probably not meant to be rude (or racist).

I guess I'll find it as a cringe worthy moment. The exact same thing happened to my DS the other day, the person said that "DS looks different" from people who originally come from where I am. I then explained DS has another mix.

I dunno, I felt a bit cringed. I don't think the woman meant to be offensive but just curious ?

See I'm mixed heritage and my children look very different to me, more like my maternal grandmother, so the subject fascinates me.

I use "is that a family trait", or similar, because I look white and I'm nearly 50, so it's presumed by many that I must be racist.

If you don't mix in certain circles, you can get stuck in using out of date terminology.

The question was a bit forward, but we lot in our 40's do like to chat. We do need to learn to shut up, there's always someone looking to get offended.

Disagree allchattedout.

It is rude to ask a stranger at the gym to give personal details about anything.

If I asked a white women at the gym

"Nice hair. Are you full White English"

What reaction would I get?

Jiggly I'm 30 and as a teenager half caste was what everyone e said. I grew up in the midlands though maybe it's regional.

It was widely used in London when I was young JigglyTuff and I don't remember anyone being funny about it. I clearly remember playing with the girl next door and her referring to herself as a Paki. We were in primary school together and my nan was often referred to as a paddy. We just ignored it.

Watchful owl If I asked a white women at the gym

"Nice hair. Are you full White English"

What reaction would I get? hmm

I would say no a bit Irish/Scots and French as well.

Oh heck, I thought 'mixed race' was right...

But anyway, her comment was a bit 'hmm' in terms of the word she used (I DO know that 'half-caste' etc is NOT OK!).

I don't think she was rude or racist.
Certainly not the "proper" thing to say, and a bit ignorant, but surely not offensive.

I'm a biracial woman with a half CAST on my fractured ankle.

It's getting hilariously unPC.

I'm 46 and I remember people using the term back in the 80s to mean mixed race. It astonishes me now because it always was a derogatory term, originally from the Indian caste system - used of Anglo-Indians.

How someone who's only in their 40s hasn't twigged it's offensive I don't know.

Where are you from?
Where are your parents from?
Are you English?
Are your eyes real?
Are your Mum and Dad married?
How do you cope with your hair?
How did your mum ever manage to do your hair?
Do you like blacks? (Referring to if I'm attracted to black men or not)
Are you more black or white?
Do black people like you?
It grates.

Jesus wept. I bet it does.

Those questions, they're so incredibly offensive!

Do people ask you often deblet? They look at you and start questioning you on your background?

Genuine question. I've never heard any of my white friends or family being questioned in this way, ever.

JigglyTuff i am 32 & it was totally normal to use the phrase half-caste at achool and through my teens, noone took offence. My mixed race friend still calls himself half-caste when we've had various conversations.

I never know what i am supposed to say now. I am pretty easy going, i wouldn't have considered the lady to be rude for asking that in a complimentary tone at all! Nothing much offends me though.

Maybe it's regional/cultural - it's not something I ever would have said. My mum used it in the 80s but I told her off for it. I can't believe that someone in their 40s doesn't realise is offensive.

But in any event, it is spectacularly rude to ask someone where they're from or about their heritage in passing conversation.

"What lovely hair she has" is fine but leave it at that.

it's such an odd thing to say - a weird mixture of ignorant and overly personal.

How often does the e-mail go out explaining what is and what is not acceptable?

I do not seem to be on the mailing list.

Ooh I like biracial, we should all copy that from USA as dual heritage is a bit wanky. Also I am triracial which is even better :) I think hair comments are particularly annoying as it is a key identity difference which people can go on about.

booklooker, it is your responsibility to make sure you are not being racist.

Of course it's rude to comment on someone's racial heritage. She could've stuck with 'ooh what lovely hair' if she'd wanted to compliment.

A few years back a complaint was lodged against a former colleague of mine for referring to a dual heritage person as "coloured" my team then were read the riot act by our manager and required to use the phrase "dual heritage" which none of us had heard of before that. I now notice that the expression "person of colour" is heard everywhere and seems to be a preferred expression. There have been so many changes here with what is acceptable and what is not that it would be helpful to have some firm guidelines.

She was paying you a compliment about how nice your daughter's hair was first and foremost. Not everyone is totally PC and if they don't mix with alot of ethnic diverse folks or read and stay in touch with current affairs then they wouldn't be up to date either on what is or isn't PC. I would take it as positive as possible and that she didn't mean to offend you. It's up to us to educate others and don't feel afraid to say 'Thank you so much for your compliment. Yes, my daughter has lovely hair (..gush gush..smiling.). Although I wouldn't say half-caste - it's not acceptable these days. You can say XYZ (what you think is PC) but thank you again for your wonderful compliment about my daughters hair.' And smile, and walk away.

Maybe I'm getting too old but it saps my energy to be offended when I don't believe that was the intention.

And I absolute love it when people enquire about my mixed raced/dual heritage ethnicity. I like that people are curious and want to learn. Helps that they want to know more about my race even if it is just to set the record straight on my hair! LOL

Disagree allchattedout. It is rude to ask a stranger at the gym to give personal details about anything

I guess so but I have always had people ask about where I am from due to having very white-blonde hair and they want to know whether I have scandinavian heritage. I don't see that as offensive, but maybe some people would from a stranger. I would also imagine that people who have e.g. green eyes but dark skin (which is an unusual mix) might get questions about where they are from.

Btw I also get questions about my name and where it is from and similarly would ask questions if someone had a name that was associated with a particular culture. Would you guys see that as offensive too or is it just when the question relates to physical appearance?

I just find it rude to ask a stranger's heritage. What is the need to make comment on it? The term she used annoyed me but I just felt there was no need to enquire about it.

I would never ask someone about their race, sexual orientation, disability etc etc. It's just rude.