AIBU to think this woman at the gym was rude?

[sofiathesecond]

Just finished showering dd at the gym, woman goes 'ooh what lovely hair she has, is she half or quarter-caste?'

Hate the term 'half-caste', I would always say mixed race. Aside from this, I also think asking mine or my daughter's racial identity is a bit rude. AIBU?

She was complimenting your daughter and showing an interest.

You can compliment somebody without 'showing an interest' in their parents and grandparents.

How would you answer the question - yes, she is half caste, no she isnt? How would that enlighten the person asking the question? What if your child's racial background is more complicated than 'half' or 'quarter' caste/do you lie or give a complicated explanation to a complete stranger? What if you don't want to talk about your or your child's parents in front of your child. Plenty of people don't.

Out of curiosity, what are the heritages of those are that find it rude to ask about someone's heritage? (I hope you don't mind me asking. If you had expressed that you find it rude in real life I wouldn't ask but since it's an anonymous forum I hope it's ok here.) I only ask because, in my experience, it tends to be white people that are uncomfortable discussing race/heritage whereas most non-white people are comfortable talking about it (when the intention is clearly not to be offensive - which unfortunately is not always the case.)

Like a previous poster said, I quite like it when people ask about my heritage. I like that they're taking an interest in something about me and, as my culture is important to me, I enjoy talking about it.

I'm often interested in why people have certain features or colouring-it can be fascinating to see how genetics works!!

There is a BBC genealogy documentary series

Celebrities trace their ancestry and discover secrets from the past

Sometimes there are surprises

BBC - Who Do You Think You Are? - Past stories - Ainsley Harriot

Ainsley Harriott

I'm half-caste & use half-caste when describing myself and others. Just slips out. Had no idea it was rude!

Half caste literally means half a person. As in the white half.

Anyone who states it isn't offensive is clearly misinformed. I understand that language has changed. It regardless of if everyone said it or now, that doesn't change the fact is was racist.

Remember the terms 'negro' and 'ner were also things everybody said.

Angela - my reasons

• it feels like they are saying "you can't be British, your skin is the wrong colour" - this is my biggest issue tbh

• my mum comes from a country that treats women like crap and frankly she and I are glad to forget about it now that she is safely here - plus she came here decades ago so what the bugger has it got to do with me?

• there's often a follow up question of criticism that I don't speak the language of "your country of origin" which angers me because...England is my country of origin

• there's often a "oh but x country has done this, that, the other," - so what?
• then there's questions like "don't you go "back" there" - how very BNP, I can't go "back" somewhere I've never been!

I realise that a lot of people want to talk about their family history but I would never assume anyone, much less a total stranger, wants to discuss anything. Conversation is very very easy to make without asking any personal questions at all.

Intentionally or not just think it's bit rude to make that sort of comment.

I agree, "lovely hair" is enough- no need to comment or ask about her race.

I was born in 1970 and everyone used the term "half caste" in a way to describe somebody as mixed race, nothing racist about it. In fact my cousin, whose father is white and mother is from Mauritius referred to herself as half caste. Just something everyone used colloquially and never in an intentionally racist way. I'm from the North East

I am white, but with a foreign accent. Nearly everyone I meet asks me where I am originally from, where my parents are from, where my parents now live and quite often, how I got to this country. I have never been offended by any of that. People are just curious.

Yes Lorelei the follow up questions bother me too. Always based on stereotypes and newspaper headlines.

I remember half caste being used alot and now it's mixed race. It's always changing. I have a black aunt in the states but I've been told not to say black over there by our family and always use African American because black is offensive. My child is dark, from his daddy. Doesn't offend me when people question it, I love it!

I was born in 1970 and everyone used the term "half caste" in a way to describe somebody as mixed race, nothing racist about it.

If you read the thread then you'll read why it is racist, and why "we always said it" and "I know someone who says it about themselves" doesn't make it generally acceptable.

Angela, why do you like it when people ask in the first place? Just curious. I mean, you say you like to talk about it but you could always introduce it yourself.

something else I find with the questioners is that they are bad at reading cues to drop the subject - either that or really aggressive with the follow ups.

I think it's a bit extreme to never ask ANY personal questions tbh. Yes, some might have very negative feelings about their background, but others are very proud of their heritage and will happily answer questions about their accent, name or appearance. And having found out if someone does have a particular heritage, asking if they ever visit that country isn't rude either. It's taking an interest. It's rude if negative stereotypes are used or suggested.

If we are to avoid all personal questions, then surely we can't ask people their marital status, whether they have any children, what they do for a living, where they live because all of those might conjure up negative emotions for those people.

Because it's a bit weird to say "Hi, I'm Angela and I'm from X" . Plus it's not like it's something I go on about all the time, it's just nice when someone shows an interest. If they're not interested then they won't ask (which is fine!) and I'm not one to talk to people about something that they're not interested in.

allchattedout - I think it's perfectly fair to not ask any personal questions of someone you just encountered in a gym changing room.

something else I find with the questioners is that they are bad at reading cues to drop the subject - either that or really aggressive with the follow ups.

Again, I agree here, Lorelei

Ex-H always described himself as 'half-caste'
He said it was the term used when he was growing up, he didn't find it offensive, and he wasn't going to stop using it to describe himself because someone decided there was now a 'better' term because it would then be superceded by another 'better' term - like mixed race has given way to dual heritage.

My mum comes of with this sort of thing, and worse. Overly personal and invasive, but always a complement in there somewhere, which she thinks makes it all ok to say. I find it controlling, because everyone is always is instantly gobsmacked, or wrong footed.l

I think it's really odd that people are complaining about not being able to say 'half-caste' or 'mixed race.' Why say anything at all? Is it really hugely detrimental to your life not to be able to use words that other people find offensive?

I think what the lady asked was far too personal and rude. As to whether it was racist, I can't say one way or the other as I'm white and don't experience racism or know what it's like. But if someone who does experience racism says it's racist then of course I'll believe them, why wouldn't I? They're the ones who know.

I'm Irish living in the UK and sometimes strangers ask me where I'm from. I don't find it offensive but I do find it a bit off-putting - it's quite a personal question. I obviously don't mind someone asking if I'm chatting to them or if they're a friend, but strangers should keep their beak out IMO.

Once I was in the queue of a department store. There was a little girl of dual heritage in front of me with her mom. The little girl had beautiful, brown, thick and very curly hair which was tied in pigtails. When it was their turn to pay, the cashier said 'oooh I love your hair, I could clean vases with those pigtails' (!) The mother completely blanked her. I know that the cashier (probably) meants well, but the 'cleaning vases' bit was unnecessary imo.

allchattedout - I think it's perfectly fair to not ask any personal questions of someone you just encountered in a gym changing room

Ah, OK. So would it be OK if I asked someone I had just met at a party and was chatting to, or a new colleague? As part of getting to know them better? It seems that maybe your issue is the act of making conversation with complete strangers rather than what was said. I agree that there is no need for it necessarily, but some people enjoy chatting to strangers and will happily engage in conversation.

I think maybe the use of the work half-caste here was a red herring because it is generally accepted as a racist term so either way, the woman should not have said it. I guess the other thing is that some people might be naturally defensive if someone asks if they are mixed race, because so many people ARE racist. I think the 'no personal questions at all' thing is a bit extreme though.

allchatted - would you be ok with a stranger asking you about a genetic feature of yours - say a birthmark? As in - 'Oh that's an interesting birthmark what caused that?' - at the gym?