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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think this woman at the gym was rude?

196 replies

sofiathesecond · 05/01/2017 13:40

Just finished showering dd at the gym, woman goes 'ooh what lovely hair she has, is she half or quarter-caste?'

Hate the term 'half-caste', I would always say mixed race. Aside from this, I also think asking mine or my daughter's racial identity is a bit rude. HmmAIBU?

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 05/01/2017 14:41

Nice to compliment your DD on her hair, but offensive to ask about racial heritage.

I was at a supermarket check out a while ago with my DS, when the member of staff suddenly said "Is he half and half"? I couldn't understand what she meant, she repeated it, and when I still didn't get it, said "Is his Dad Chinese?". I was so shocked I just replied no, and got away as quickly as possible. I didn't have the time or the inclination to explain that he has a very rare genetic syndrome which affects his appearance, among other things.

I think it's rare for it to be appropriate to comment on, or question, a stranger's racial background.

IrishTwin · 05/01/2017 14:43

I also think the lady was trying to be friendly /make conversation and went about it all wrong. I bet she would be mortified if she knew it had offended you but of course your feelings are entirely justified. For what it's worth I'm 35 and brought up in wales and it wasn't until 10 years ago when I asked my work colleague if her son was half caste and was told she preferred the term mixed race did I realise the term was offensive.

Lilmisskittykat · 05/01/2017 14:44

I think these days it's best to just ignore people

Frumious · 05/01/2017 14:45

Cringe making comment, agreed OP.

As a mixed-race person, many people who are new to me at some point or another comes out with the following questions:

-Where are you from?

  • (upon being told where I am from in UK) No, where are you REALLY from?

I find it offensive that I should be required to give a full breakdown of the ethnic background of both my parents just because I don't fit a narrowly defined racial look. Grrrrrr...

merrymouse · 05/01/2017 14:45

You don't have to ask about somebody's parentage to compliment them on their hair.

The concept that somebody would look a particular way if they were 'half' or 'quarter caste' is odd anyway.

What answer would you be expecting?

It's not as though everyone can neatly separate their race into halves and quarters or even knows who their parents or grandparents are.

Katy07 · 05/01/2017 14:47

Wouldn't life be so much easier if people only took offence where offence was actually intended... Hmm

GoneGirl1234 · 05/01/2017 14:47

I also think it is rude to speculate / enquire / comment on someone's race, and would never think of using race as an opening gambit for conversation with a stranger! WTF?!

Backingvocals · 05/01/2017 14:49

booklooker, it is your responsibility to make sure you are not being racist

I don't think that's quite fair. I would never use coloured and thought I understood fully why it was wrong but heard Diane Abbott refer to herself as a woman of colour which, by reference to the reasoning I had been given, still sounds completely wrong in my mind. But I'm sure Diane Abbott is better placed than me to judge. So I am left absolutely not knowing.

I wouldn't use the gym lady's terminology, although I did think mixed race was ok until now.

Horrified and Grin at Do Black people like you?

eyebrowsonfleek · 05/01/2017 14:51

I use mixed race to describe myself. I went to an International School in a foreign country that wasn't part of my heritage so knew lots of people with complicated heritage. My best friend had a father with Belgian/Irish nationality and a mother with US/UK nationality and we lived in another country. She recently became an Aussie so that's 6 countries that she has ties with.
It's not rude to ask about heritage imo. I find it very interesting that Helena Christensen (for instance) has Peruvian and Danish parents.

EddieStobbart · 05/01/2017 14:53

I'm mid forties and grew up in very rural Scotland where just about everyone was white. I have never used "half caste". My mid-70s mum would say this but I cringed even as a teenager.

Arscal · 05/01/2017 14:54

These kind of conversations surprise me.
I'm a mixed race women in her 40s. Half caste was commonly used when I was a child. Now it's not acceptable. Mixed race is fine.

Someone upthread said "things change on a daily basis". They really don't! It's been 'mixed race' for quite some time.

I never understand why people get so defensive though. If it were pointed out to me that I'd referred to someone using a term that could be found offensive. I would apologise, thank them and stop bloody saying it.

eyebrowsonfleek · 05/01/2017 14:56

I remember Googling Jessica Ennis during the London Olympics and the first or second suggestion made was "Jessica Ennis ethnicity". I think it's curiousity because she's gorgeous rather than racism.

Lorelei76 · 05/01/2017 14:58

Katy "Wouldn't life be so much easier if people only took offence where offence was actually intended"

er, sometimes it is intended and indicated by someone in a very disingenuous way e.g. complimenting my hair.

I am mixed race and didn't know I wasn't meant to say that any more.

I see half caste as massively offensive and I would see that woman as being deliberately racist I'm afraid. Usually when people ask about my hair it's a way of being racist. sorry, just my experience.

I hate the expression "people of colour" because to me it harks back to "coloured".

WatchfulOwl · 05/01/2017 14:59

Backing that was from a black lady at the bus stop Hmm

Was a strange 5 minutes.

CakesRUs · 05/01/2017 15:01

I'd say she was ignorant and not offensive.

Original poster
sofiathesecond · 05/01/2017 15:04

The thing is I would've had to say 'well my mum is..... and my dad.... so then I am in a relationship with.... and that is how we have this lovely haired child you see before you today' it's a lot of personal info.

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 05/01/2017 15:05

sofia, I agree. but I am of the "don't ask personal questions of strangers" camp which has caused controversy on here before.

It is a lot of personal info and it is weird that someone wants to know.

merrymouse · 05/01/2017 15:06

It's not rude to ask about heritage imo. I find it very interesting that Helena Christensen (for instance) has Peruvian and Danish parents.

The things that you find interesting and the things somebody else might want to share aren't one and the same.

AngelaKardashian · 05/01/2017 15:06

YANBU to correct her, "half-caste" is rude. It would be all about her reaction to your correction though.

I don't think it's rude to ask about someone's heritage. I find it very strange when people avoid discussing heritage/race/culture. It's not uncomfortable or rude, it just is what is is.

There is a difference between asking someone about their heritage and making presumptions about a person based on stereotypes of that heritage though. WatchfulOwl's list of questions are a prime example of that. That is ignorance at its finest.

mayemerald · 05/01/2017 15:07

It is quite rude although that wasn't the intention.

I live somewhere with a strong regional accent which I don't have.

I often get
'Where are you from?'
'Here.'
'But where are you really from?'
'I grew up here.'
They often argue I can't have!

It's a way of excluding you and saying you aren't one of 'us', you don't really belong.

Saukko · 05/01/2017 15:08

Very rude. Treating mixed-race people as 'exotic' trinkets is racist.

AtomHeart · 05/01/2017 15:08

I have a "foreign" name and people very often say I have a weird name and ask me about it. I find that rude. If they say that I have a nice name and ask me where it is from - I don't mind.

She was complimenting your daughter and showing an interest. I can see how the way she presented it could be irritating but it sounds like she had no nasty intention. I have a mixed race friend who describes herself as half caste. I was surprised to hear her say that TBH!

AngelaKardashian · 05/01/2017 15:10

mayemerald yes when it's asked like that it is annoying. If you're going to ask about someone's heritage accept their answer as what they are and don't question it any more.

Have you seen poem [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iU63a15enBU]] by spoken word artist Deanna Rodger? It speaks about exactly that!

AngelaKardashian · 05/01/2017 15:11

Uh link fail. this poem

RachelRagged · 05/01/2017 15:16

I am over 50 and have not used half caste for years .. Yes, it was used in the 70s and the 80s as I recall, but for years it has now been mixed race , which sounds nicer than something that seems detrimental (caste system in India for example).

I don't know if YABU or not really OP but seems it was said in innocence , though a strange dated term to use now , especially with a 40 something.

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