How do I stop this unhealthy relationship with helpful but 'out of touch' dad.

[malificent7]

Put this in relationships but reposted here for traffic.

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

The thing is he is great with dd and she loves him. He normally takes us to Cornwall every year for a break which dd loves and looks forward to. However, as we have not been getting on great and snipe at each other, I am reluctant to keep going on this holiday. I feel trapped in this dynamic.

Munstermonchgirl You talking about the negatives for women in the 50s and 60s though. OP's father wouldn't have been troubled by those negatives. If anything the lack of career opportunity for women meant there was less competition in the workplace and easier to get on.

Why on earth are you putting money away for vyiurcdds uni when you can't afford the basics of life? She might not even go,and if she does and you are poor she will get full maintenance loan plus a handsome bursary from the uni.

Marynary- the OPs father may not have been troubled by the negatives but I'm damn sure a lot of the women were!

Munstermonchgirl Yes, but OP is complaining about her father's lack of understanding or her situation regarding jobs and finance. How life was for women in the 50s and 60s isn't really relevant.

No matter what era or generation having a healthy relationship with money was and is important.

The OP is always whining about her father, from memory she was cross he didn't fund her a house deposit despite her blowing a £30k inheritance.

You made your choices, you're not the only single person working full time (and it's not even that as you don't work for thirteen weeks a year). Nobody made you have children, do a low paid job, spend so much money that most people could have lived on for some time or saved for a rainy day. You are an adult, your dad has a point. You flit from career to career and give in as it's too hard but sadly that's life. Expecting it to be handed to you on a plate isn't going to happen.

I think having an awareness that all generations have different difficulties and pressure points is highly relevant. The OPs biggest problem is her ingrained resentment against the world. She needs to try to embrace the fact that everyone has challenges to face, even if she can't see what those challenges are. She could also do with taking a look at what she's already been happy to take from her father (a hell of a lot more money than most people would expect or get) and take a reality check

I think OP is doing quite well considering

That's very nice of you but you couldn't possibly be so arrogant to think that you are a better judge than her father, who actually has some understanding of her finances, while you know nothing at all about them?

Hi all. The trouble is, dad has no idea about Universal tax credits for example, he was amazed when I told him my wages and he wanted me to buy an expensive , new car with my inheritance...so he doesn't know EVERYTHING about my finances.
I'm not resentful against the world at all. When the hell did I say that?????? I had a good time o my inheritance and I do not regret that. I have a low paid job which I love and I don't regret that.
What I do regret is the unhealthy relationship with my dad and towards money (which I do not blame solely on him.. as the thread title strongly suggest. I have said he is helpful but he doesn't get modern life .

He told me once he would never have got himself as a single parent. I assume that is why he stayed in a clearly very unhappy marriage for so long then.

And for all those criticising me for not sticking at teaching...I'm not the only one. There is a mass retention crisis. Even among...gasp...people without kids.

I really hate it when people on here criticise skint people for 'choosing to have kids. ' Ok , so only rich people can have kids then...er right. Not TOO much like social engineering then.

And tbh I am not having any more due to the expense.

Anyone who says they knew that kids would have such a huge impact on their career is a liar.
So many women return to work then realise thay cannot do it.

I realise something about mumsnet. It is full of bored armchair jury types who love to judge others from the comfort of being behind a screen . I do wonder if they had a stressful full time job such as teaching if they would have the time.

I know for a fact that if I was teaching there is no way I'd be dicking around on here pretending to listen to the superior advice of superior mums who know nothing about my life or my upbringing.

Because I wouldn't have the time. I'd be marking now. Not because I wouldn't want too!

Its totally up to you what you do for a living. I'm a teacher, and it definitely is a stressful job, and it isn't for everyone. How you live your life is your choice. However, as an adult, you need to stop relying on handouts. You need to cut your cloth according to your means - choosing a less stressful job realistically will mean that you have less money and need to budget more. It isn't your dad's job to be a cashpoint.

Look, what it boils down to is you want your dad to finance you and you dont want him to have an opinion on your finances. When in real life, you can only pick one of those things.
So which is it? Are you going to keep taking his money, and paid holidays, and loans, or are you going to try for a grown up relationship whereby he has nothing to do with your money?

I can totally understand why you gave up teaching and why you'd stay a teaching assistant. I don't get the jewellery thing though or savings for DD in what 10 years with 1% interest whilst borrowing off your dad and all that goes with it.
My folks are exactly like yours and frankly I'd rather starve before I'd ask them for anything at all.

You have to have savings. It took me 41 years to learn this but it's true. With kids you really need £10,000 put aside, I haven't but that's what I'm aiming for and we'll do nothing else holiday, car etc until I have. Even £500 would be really helpful for you. Just to give you some breathing space.

Given there are lawyers, social workers, teachers, doctors etc on here your theory obviously doesn't pan out.

Neither do you need to be rich to have children, you just have to provide for them financially and not expect others too.

You won't be in a position to help your child as your dad has you, something you have stated in the past he should do purely for being your parent. Lots of double standards.

I'm a full time teacher- yes it's a very busy job but I do make time to go on MN - burnt out teachers who have no life outside of work aren't any good to anyone.

You've posted in AIBU and yet you're so angry with everyone who tells you that you are.

User sums it up- you want to have your cake and eat it, taking huge sums of money from your dad but then resenting him having opinions about your attitude to money.

I'm not going to c&P from other threads because I know that's frowned upon but having now read some of your other posts where you say how much money you actually received as an inheritance (substantially more than 16k) and how you spent it, I am firmly on your dad's side here and I feel sorry for him.

You complain that he won't help you with a deposit for a house but you HAD enough for a deposit for a house. You spent it. You could have put it in the bank until your job prospects were more stable so you could get a mortgage but you didn't.

I understand it would have been very tricky if your tax credits were stopped because of the lump sum - that did rather trap you into an unfortunate cycle.
Perhaps you should have asked your Dad not to release the inheritance until you were a bit more sorted and only pass it on when you were in a full time job so you didn't need to spend it to live. Did he ever suggest that? Did you? Or did you just demand to have access to it ASAP so you could start spending it? There are ways of parents 'gifting' their children money that would have circumvented the need to declare it to the government and I'm really surprised your dad didn't suggest this until you were on more of an even keel with your health and your ability to keep down a decent job. You seem quite bitter about the fact that you can't buy a house and lay a lot of the blame for that onto your dad, but I don't think you are capable of not defaulting on a mortgage at the moment, which would just add to your stress so I think it would be wise not to obsess too much about that.

Even so, the way you say you 'had' to spent your inheritance doesn't seem to add up. You've said a couple of times that you paid six months rent with it, but you've also said 'most of it had to go on rent and living.' 'Most' of that amount of money (not just 16k) doesn't disappear in six months on rent. I think it's fair to assume as you were on benefits before that you were not living in a huge, super luxurious place?

You've said that he withheld it and drip fed it to you as you needed it. Im a bit unsure of how you had to declare all of it in one lump meaning tax credits were stopped, if it was actually drip fed to you and not plonked into your account in one massive lump, but anyway...

You also say you bought yourself nice clothes from ASOS because you became depressed about how he controlled your money and didn't trust you to manage it well which made you feel like an irresponsible child. Perhaps he controlled the money because you have a history of behaving like an irresponsible child? Did you and he argue whenever you asked for another chunk be released? I can see why that would be annoying for you if it was your money and I can also see (as the parent of a financially irresponsible child myself) why he might have felt the need to do it.

I suppose in the end if you wanted it then he had no right to withhold it and I am sure you pointed that out to him. But now you must live by your choices and start to live within your means. If he cautioned you against blowing thousands on clothes and jewellery and holidays (you say on this thread that you took DD 'on holiday' but on another thread you say 'a few holidays' ) especially when you knew your tax credits would have to stop and you needed the money live and pay rent, then he has every right to be disappointed and frustrated that he now has to buy you a freezer and lend you money for petrol.

I don't know when you were given that money but quite honestly if you can't afford £200 to buy a freezer then something has gone very wrong indeed with the way you have managed this.

You seem to chop and change what you tell us, as it suits you. You also seem to blame everyone for everything and are ready with a list of excuses for why something couldn't happen when it should have happened.

You say your mother was 'bullied' out of her job, then that you were 'bullied' out of your job. That the word 'bullied' trips so easily off your tongue in one post about both you and your mother, is quite telling, I think. You wanted to change career and after the inheritance had the perfect opportunity to do so, so paid 2k for a course that you then never finished because you 'needed to work'. Except that you were apparently using most of your inheritance to pay six months worth of rent and to 'live' so why could you not see through the duration of your course?

It's one excuse after another. Time to pull your head out of your arse I'm afraid.

If it makes you feel better to think that everyone who's commented on your thread is a wealthy bored housewife who has no idea what real life struggles are then go ahead. The reality is different. I really hope you find a way to be happy, content and financially secure, but there's no need to attack people who are giving you good advice.

We could all do what the OP is doing....
My parents bought a house for a few thousand quid 50 years ago and my mum was a SAHM for most of her adult life.
My sister lives up north and has double the size house for the same price as mine.
One of my work colleagues is a qualified teacher like me, but can afford to work part time as an LSA because her hubby is loaded.
Other friends of mine never had to pay for childcare because they got family to do it for free
My SIL was gifted a house deposit by her parents
...... all of the above are true examples, and I bet everyone on this thread could come up with a similar list.
Am I envious of the people I've listed? No. Because I'm an adult, It's up to me to make my way in life within the choices available to me.
Resentment and envy are totally negative emotions.
And as I said above, none of know what's going on beneath the exterior of other people's lives, and there may well be downsides to every situation.
I've already described upthread how my mother never got to realise her full potential, and undoubtedly got quite frustrated as she got older. So although on the surface it seems the easy option to never need to earn a serious wage, it's often very limiting too.
With my friends and relatives who got free childcare and house deposits.... yeap, great financial boost, but it means you're denied that sense of achievement of paying your own way. And my children has the benefit of going to a fabulous nursery, rather than being left with grandparents who in all honesty would have been very loving but way too indulgent with treats!

OP you would start to feel a lot more positive if you begin to view yourself as an adult in charge of your own destiny. If your relationship with your father is so awful then cut the unhealthy ties, stop taking money from him and just retain an adult relationship. It's just ridiculous to continue behaving like an irresponsible child who needs bailing out and then complaining that your father has opinions about your behaviour

How rude!! Arm chair warriors? Nobody else has got stressful jobs??

I take back my more diplomatic response earlier and I'll give it to you how it really is. You sound like an absolute baby and thick as pig shit at that. You're saving for your daughters uni yet 1) you have no idea if she'll actually want to go 2) if you're on a low income she'd have it covered anyway 3) you don't have £20 for petrol yet you're saving thousands for something you don't actually need???!!

You blew thousands on jewellery, clothes and holidays whilst not even having the common sense to put maybe £500 in a safety pot for a rainy day? So much so that now you can't even afford £20 petrol?

You are incredibly frustrating and a terrible example to your kid. I feel so sorry for your dad, if you were mine your handouts would have stopped a long time ago.

Stop being a child and grow up!

From a full time, stressed to fuckery registered nurse / part time arm chair warrior.

That's very nice of you but you couldn't possibly be so arrogant to think that you are a better judge than her father, who actually has some understanding of her finances, while you know nothing at all about them?

I don't think it is arrogant to keep an open mind and not assume that her father knows best. How do you know he has any real understanding? He could be just like my father and pretty clueless about what it is like for lower earners or single parents.

Agree Frances

His money, his business. If the OP finds her father's views so unpalatable, she had the choice to not accept the vast hand outs, holidays etc

I am in a similar position in that my DD, who graduated 2 years ago and who also has a professional cookery qualification, wants me to stump up money to buy her house with her boyfriend. Neither of them work, nor have any intention of becoming 'wage slaves' or 'mortgage monkeys', as they are 'different from other people'.

So I have said no, you have to work for things. DD says what she does is none of my business and she can run off and join a circus if she wants. She has spent her savings and has just received a legacy from a grandparent of £7,000, which I expect she will also spend. We love each other, but she resents me, says that me and DH are 'rich' and should help her. Our relationship has become strained and distant. I have seen her once in the last six months (although she lives a few hundred miles away so more difficult to meet).

My heart is breaking over this and I do want to help her out financially, when we can (we have just retired and need to sell our house to down size; until then we are potentially in a difficult position as we have a large mortgage). However, I feel that she needs to help herself first and to grow up by becoming financially independent. It's as though she is fully adult in other areas of her life but still thinks we should be supporting her financially. She claims to want to be independent and is quite defensive about it - for example, I offered to buy pet insurance for her dog for a year as part of her birthday present, as I know she loves her dog and has no money for vets' fees (this was prior to the legacy), but she was quite angry, sent me a text saying the dog was not my responsibility; yet I am still paying her mobile phone bill, which she must know but has said nothing about.

Sorry, not sure this is helpful, but just wanted to put the other point of view as I sense that OP's father is a bit like us, he wants to help, but not for OP to expect it or to be totally reliant on him. He may be comfortable, but I doubt he is rich; and what if he needs care as he grows older? I am a late baby boomer and yes there were pluses, but also minuses (interest rates rising to 15% when we had just bought a house). It wasn't quite the bed of roses that some posters seem to believe.