How do I stop this unhealthy relationship with helpful but 'out of touch' dad.

[malificent7]

Put this in relationships but reposted here for traffic.

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

The thing is he is great with dd and she loves him. He normally takes us to Cornwall every year for a break which dd loves and looks forward to. However, as we have not been getting on great and snipe at each other, I am reluctant to keep going on this holiday. I feel trapped in this dynamic.

[thethoughtfox]

ZOMBIE

[thethoughtfox]

'The point is I DON'T want to have this shit, unhealthy attitude to money. Nor I want to borrow any more from him . I do want to take control and separate my financial issues from him completely. My mum and I were always the ' incompetent' ones! (In his eyes)

The issue is ...HOW?! It is an ingrained pattern!'

Easy: stop asking your father for money.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Oh dear, Op.

I can't comment on your financial situation, I'm no expert. I am overqualified for the job I do also and do it because it suits me and I love it, so please don't feel ashamed. You are definitely not alone.

I can say that when you have mental health issues, the way you see things can be, understatement of the year, bleak and at times hopeless. So I get you there.

I don't have wealthy parents. I don't have any wealthy family. So can't comment on that either.

In terms of your dad and your unhealthy relationship with him, you need to break that power imbalance. He can only comment on your life if you ask for input from him. That includes money.

Good luck with future counseling and help.

[OnWiganPierWithNoUmbrella]

OP, I read your post a few days ago and I felt for you and still do. My situation is not the same but has some paralells. I have had issues with overspending due to MH issues and my father was like yours- sometimes very generous and nice, but at other times abusive (emotionally and physically) and controlling. He also had a strange attitude to money and me and my sister were put down constantly as well as screamed at and threatened for not being good enough and having rubbish jobs etc.

I am still working out how to deal with my relationship with my DF, and whether to go NC or not, so have not got any real advice to give on that, except there is a thread in Relationships for people with Toxic Parents (But We Took You to Stately Homes). i have found it very validating and comforting.

As regards money I do agree it is important for you to take control. I cannot worlk at all now due to MH and physical disability but what I did was make sure I received the benefits I was entilted to- PIP, ESA etc. I t was scary but there is an organisation where I live that provides support workers for those with mental health issues who can help with benefits and budgeting. They got me help to get a debt written off (I had a big University overdraft debt but was too unwell to cope with court and bannkruptcy) and came with me to my benefits asessments helping with appeals etc. It has made such a difference. Google Rethink. They are brilliant for this sort of thing. Mind Advocacy can help too.

I wish you all the best. Keep getting well. You are doing great!

[Babbitywabbit]

How dare you make assumptions that the people posting here who disagree with you and find your attitude to your father awful aren't fighting their own battles, be they mental health issues or otherwise.

[crashdoll]

You don't need anyone to tell you that you're doing well. You are doing well so believe that. ;)

[malificent7]

Thanks for the last two points. Yes... i should stop projecting. Good advice!

[crashdoll]

You seem to think everyone is against you but honestly, you are your own worst enemy. Just be proud of yourself and stop trying to seek praise from others, especially not your dad.

You are certainly not the only one who's been through similar. I think it's arrogant to make assumptions about people. Nobody has belittled your - very important - job. You are protecting about how you feel about yourself onto people here. People made suggestions e,g tutoring to help you bring in more income.

[Newbrummie]

I was in a very high paying but stressful role for a number of years which paid for bmw's, fancy clothes and holidays but came at a price. Now I'm in a worthwhile but low status job and we manage for now but it's not forever when I realised two things. It's been provern that once people have enough to eat and a roof anything over and above that doesn't increase happiness and secondly there's a time and a place everything. Whilst you're a single mum is not the time to try and test your metal in the world, you may do great things when your daughter is older but for now savings for uni and buying houses can wait. Just get through this stage of your life and see what the next chapter brings and fuck anyone who tells you it's not good enough. It is for now.

[DistanceCall]

OP, you seem to have this obsession that people think that your job is worthless or something like that. We don't - it's your father who thinks so. You're projecting. All that some people are saying is that there are jobs that pay more - which is true.

And that's the crux of the matter. You need to become independent from your father - both financially and (more importantly) psychologically.

[harrypotternerd]

before you accuse me of not understanding mental health, my mother and aunt are schizophrenic, my DP's uncle has bi polar, I have PTSD, plus I have studied mental health and so has my DP.
You cannot use your mental health as an EXCUSE, that is what you are doing. You have decided that you are a hard done by single mum, I was a single mum of four working part time so yes I know the stresses that brings but unless you change your attitude nothing will change.

You have to be aware of your mental health and not be in a job that sets you back, I agree with you completely there. Look at how much you get each month, set a budget and live within your means. Rent a cheaper place if you can or move to a cheaper area.

[malificent7]

Rigours even!!!

[malificent7]

The irony is most of you want a teacher for your offspring who can handle the rogours of the job. I cant.

But as long as im teaching OTHER peoples kids... thats ok then?!

Im a great TA btw!

[malificent7]

Car even.

Yes my mum had the odd spree hut the snarling and icy silences if we needed essentials like shoes were something to behold. As were thenhuge rows.

Of but that was mums dault wasnt it as she was bipolar?

Im amazed this thread is still going tbh... but go on resume bitching.. as you were.

Except i wont be reading.. i will be alerting mumsnet to some og the lack of understanding of mental health. All to do with changing attitudes and the like!

[malificent7]

So yes... given doctors gave me a very bad prognosis and thought id never have a normal life i think ive done very well indeed!

I never wanted my dad to pay my house deposit. I just wish hed never had my cash in the first place and had offered more helpful advice rather than 'buy an expensive xae. ' I didnt!!

[malificent7]

The ignorence about mental health on here is breathtaking!! Bordering on discrimination.

20 years ago i was hospitalised after a bad manic episode. Doctors told my parents i vould be thete forever. They thought id lost my mind.

A month later i walked out straight into a job. I then went and got my degrre and qualifications.
Unfortunately the teaching made me go high again? You want a high teacher working with your kids? You want someone who isnt cut out gor the rigours pf the job working with hour kuds? Thought not.

As a ta i can remain stable and not go back to hospital. My sister has no mh issues and can do her job well. 2 days a week mow she has her son!

Massive handputs from dad? I asked him for 20 quud gor petrol. I wanted to buy the freezer on credit but he waded in.

[Toadinthehole]

Those who think the baby boomers had it easy should read A Working Life by Polly Toynbee or Seasons in the Sun by Dominic Sandbrook. A lot of people did it tough; there was a lot of genuine hardship. 30% annual inflation means a hell of a pay cut. The descriptions of families having to choose between heating and eating are no different to the present, and people seem to have known all manner of ways to save money that are now forgotten.

[springydaffs]

Why suddenly talking about the op in the third person? When op is here, in the room as it were.

That would mightily piss me off op.

[BabychamSocialist]

I do think she needs to take her dad's feelings into account - he's obviously the way he is because of his experiences with her mum.

[Babbitywabbit]

No we don't need to wonder because the OP has written about how she was brought up so we have her perspective on it. It's not an excuse though that's the point. Particularly as she can see the shortcomings of it.
We are all products of our upbringing: as an adult you aim to avoid the mistakes you feel your parents made, and aim to live your life the best possible way.
The OP is taking huge hand outs from her father while being hugely critical of his attitude to money. She resents him and her sister for having careers and earning more, but won't use her teaching qualification because it's easier and less stressful to work as a teaching assistant.

We don't need to wonder anything, it's quite clear that the OP has massive double standards

[Newbrummie]

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, my mother would tell you all sorts of stories about how my brother allegedly fucked up, but she wouldn't tell you about his shitty upbringing that she subjected him too. There does come a point where adult children do just have to deal with their own stuff but equally I could give my 16 year old £30,000 now and I'd know she would be sensible with it because of the way she's been raised. Have to wonder what part the op's father played there don't you

[ARumWithAView]

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to see your daughter receive and then spend a £16k+ inheritance (was it £30k?), and then hear her say she can't afford to replace a broken freezer, and she also needs to borrow £20 for petrol. I agree with Babbit that it's not very helpful to respond that the OP is 'coping really well'. This isn't 'coping'. This is moving from one crisis to another, being bailed out by a parent, and blaming him for it.

You don't have an emergency fund, but you spent ££ on a valuable 'investment' piece of jewellery. Why not start by selling that?