How do I stop this unhealthy relationship with helpful but 'out of touch' dad.

[malificent7]

Put this in relationships but reposted here for traffic.

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

The thing is he is great with dd and she loves him. He normally takes us to Cornwall every year for a break which dd loves and looks forward to. However, as we have not been getting on great and snipe at each other, I am reluctant to keep going on this holiday. I feel trapped in this dynamic.

[Dutch1e]

*you're not you'really

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Also, if you're uncomfortable with your dad taking you and your daughter on holiday then don't go! Don't use your free holiday as some bizarre way to try and make people here feel bad for you because 'if I was a mum with a rich dp then dad taking me away would be acceptable'

Surely you realise you are now grasping at teeny tiny straws and making yourself sound more ungrateful?

[malificent7]

I couldnt pay for the rent with my low paying job and no benefits.. duh!

[malificent7]

Im leaving this thread now as its making me feel more shit about myself than ever before.

I dont think mumsnet makes my mental health worse tbh. Feeling very anxious.

[malificent7]

I do think sorry

[BoBo16]

The truth makes you anxious, not mumsnet

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

I think that hearing about your situation from other people's perspective might be making you feel worse. Perhaps try and take on what people have been saying though? View your situation through fresh eyes and make a plan?

[RandomMess]

Why don't you go on Money Saving Expert and ask for budgeting help/what you can cut back help on there.

I would rethink not touching your DDs savings, or put less towards them - there is a balance between helping your DD in the future and your mental wellbeing off breaking the dependence/unhealthy relationship with your Dad.

Good luck

[Mandiba]

OP, you are the ONLY one who can change this set up. I suspect the unhealthy realtionship with your DF goes back years & years. You feel like you were the child who failed & now you realise you've been acting out that role for years.

Get yourself a piece of paper and pen & write down all the beliefs you have about yourself & then take some time to figure out which ones are actually true.
Forget about all the labels people have given you throughout your life & think about what you TRULY, DEEPLY believe about yourself.
I reckon you are far more competent than you think you are.
You have good self awareness and know the situation you are in is not healthy.
Believe in yourself & your abilities and things will soon change💐

[redexpat]

Op you have been offered some good ideas on here, but you only seem to answer the negative questions. Read through them all again and copy all the suggestions down, then start working through them to see what would work for you.

[Marynary]

I agree with OP regarding "babyboomers". I grew up in the 70s in the SouthEast and although life wasn't particularly easy, houses were easier to buy and if you couldn't afford to buy there were plenty of council houses, unlike today. The older babyboomers have also benefited from good pensions too.

[PippiLongstromp]

I was going to suggest the same to you OP before I read your last post - stop justifying to everybody what you have spent on what, it is none of anybody's business. People here are not able to give you what you need.

It seems the dynamic of you asking for help and leaving yourself open to your fathers criticism/bashing is playing itself out on here too. Have I got any real advice, which is what you are really after? Not really, but I think counselling for sure is always a good idea if you want to explore how/why you get into the dynamic and find ways to stop it.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Op you have been offered some good ideas on here, but you only seem to answer the negative questions

I agree.

Only you can change your situation.

[malificent7]

Thanks for all the support. I agree with councelling.

Ive been thinking about this thread. Yes i do need to take responsibilty.

I just remember my parents having massive rows about money punctuated by dad having epic sulks and scowling if anyone needed shoes. I remember him hitting my mum over money.
Also anyone with a non professional job is looked down on. I once went out with a riad worker and dad called him a navvy. So yes... i need therapy and to cut the apron strings.

[redexpat]

That sounds like a much more positive update.

[DailyFail1]

He gave you 16k per your last thread then he gave you 400 but you keep frittering the money way. Is it any surprise he's getting frustrated? He probably (quite rightly based on your actions so far) thinks you're a bottomless pit when it comes to money.

You need to change your behaviour around money. How do you spend it- card, cash? Set up direct debits for all bills them work out a way to manage the rest that allows you to keep track of (and control) what you spend. The CAB can help here.

[DailyFail1]

I have bpd by the way and used to spend cash like anything. I got on meds. Then examined how I spent money & realised I mainly used cash so I set up direct debits for bills and I asked my bank to reduce my ATM withdrawl limit. I now have far more money than I'll ever spend and I have kept it up for decades. You need to take responsibility here for yourself.

[Marynary]

It doesn't sound to me like OP is "frittering the money away". She is on a low income and has a child to support so £16K wouldn't necessarily last that long. Regardless, if you haven't got much money, it is quite irritating when someone with a lot of money (e.g. OP's father) gives lectures on budgeting.

[user1480946351]

She bought valuable jewellery but didn't pay her council tax. Does it occur to you he gives lectures on budgeting because she obviously doesn't have a clue how to budget?
He's her dad, doing dad things. Stop acting as if he is some kind of ogre!

[Marynary]

It appears that the jewellery is the only frivolous thing she bought with the money and she didn't buy it instead of paying council tax. Those two expenditures were at different times and to me that doesn't make it obvious that she hasn't got a clue about how to manage on a budget. I think OP is doing quite well considering. Regardless, based on personal experience I know that it is irritating to be lectured on something by someone who has no clue what it is like to be in that position.

[Blueskyrain]

Oh, and a course costing £2k that she didn't finish. And holidays etc.

And she scorns at her dad for being unrealistic in thinking she should have £300 in a rainy day fund.

Wedon't know how much the inheritance was, only that it was over £16k because it stopped her benefits.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Wedon't know how much the inheritance was, only that it was over £16k because it stopped her benefits.

Good point. It could have been a heck of a lot more.

[Blueskyrain]

I do have some sympathy over it though, because with it, her benefits stopped but she didn't have the income for a mortgage. So it's usefulness is limited. But, she could have made a couple of long term purchases with a good resale value, until she was below £16k, and then saved the rest until she was in a position to buy.

[Munstermonchgirl]

OP- another thing which may help is to remember that there's always a flip side to situations.

I had my first child in the early 1990s. Yeap- the era of rocketing interest rates (our mortgage payments pretty much doubled overnight). 12 weeks paid maternity leave. No paternity leave full stop. No subsidised childcare. I had no choice but to return to work at that point. It ate up a lot of my earnings but we needed what I did make to pay the bills.

I'll be honest: there were mornings when setting the alarm for 5am to bf my baby daughter before dropping her at the childminder to go and teach bottom set yr 9- did I feel envious of my own mother and her generation who all gave up work when having kids? Hell yeah. I'm only human.

But fast forward just a few years and our situation improved dramatically. Interest rates stabilised (still v high compared to now but not wildly going up) DH and I had obtained promotions. By the time I had dc2 I was able to take a longer ML of 6 months and I actually chose to return to work even though all my salary went on childcare.

I also realised by this time that behind the cheap housing and opportunity to be a SAHM in the 1950s/60s lay a lot of missed opportunities...bored and frustrated women who were very capable but never got to achieve their potential. Families tended to be far more stereotypical - I definitely remember my father being the 'head of the household' who made the important decisions and meted out any punishments... 'wait til your father gets home' was a familiar phrase back in the 60s. I am thankful that I've been able to retain and develop a career, that marriages these days are far more likely to be a balanced affair where both partners do more hands on child rearing and also earning

You're cherry picking what you perceive as all the advantages of living in a bygone era without understanding that there are upsides and downsides to every era and situation OP.

As other say, Only YOU can change your life. Stop focusing on the negatives and make a plan to improve your situation through your own actions, not relying on other adults