How do I stop this unhealthy relationship with helpful but 'out of touch' dad.

[malificent7]

Put this in relationships but reposted here for traffic.

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

The thing is he is great with dd and she loves him. He normally takes us to Cornwall every year for a break which dd loves and looks forward to. However, as we have not been getting on great and snipe at each other, I am reluctant to keep going on this holiday. I feel trapped in this dynamic.

[Marynary]

However, with regard to buying houses in London and South in the 80s and 90s than it is now.

However, with regard to buying houses in London and South it was certainly easier in the 80s and 90s than it is now.

[WyfOfBathe]

I do wonder if they had a stressful full time job such as teaching if they would have the time.
I'm a full time secondary teacher, OP (although I am on mat leave right now, for full disclosure).

To answer the question in your title "how do I stop this unhealthy relationship?" the answer is - you stop borrowing money from him. The "unhealthy" thing in your relationship with your dad is the power imbalance, caused by him having money and you asking for it/borrowing it from him. Like other people have said, you need to have a look at your finances - maybe ask somewhere like CAB or CAP for help - to see if you can reduce outgoings. Also see if you could increase income - check that you're receiving all the benefits you're entitled to, and look into other sources of income, e.g. online tutoring (so you can do it while watching DD), transcription work, or paid surveys.

[CamemRoberta]

Wyf, with such a wonderful user name, I assume you are an English teacher!

[springydaffs]

This might be something you could go along to op.

And hear hear to Fucking hell, you're a single parent in a low paid job and suffer bipolar disorder. That's not exactly a walk in the park. To me it sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

You're making mistakes which are costing you dear. You posted because you want to stop the unhealthy relationship with your dad. Although presented harshly, posters have made some good points - which you seem to be hearing.

You budget, you have no credit cards, you spent your inheritance on much-needed essentials. You may have some flighty tendencies - hence DA - you recognise your relationship with your dad isn't healthy. All-in I think you're handling things well, considering.

MN is not therapy, op. A therapist is trained to be kindly. Not so an internet forum and people get terribly hot under the collar about money

[Babbitywabbit]

Resenting other people like your father and sister because they've had successful careers isn't going to do your mental health any good OP

I Hate this bashing of previous generations too . I bought a house in the 80s, yes it was much easier to buy a house as 100% mortgages were being given away like sweeties, but with interest rates in double figures buying a cheap house cost loads. Basic maths shows that paying a 50k mortgage at 10% cost the same as paying a vastly higher mortgage at the low interest rates that have been in place for the last 8 or so years.
Also many of us were sold (or mis sold as we now know) endowment mortgages so have hefty amounts to pay off at the end of the mortgage term. It's offensive to suggest everyone was over stretching themselves or being greedy- there was huge pressure to get on the housing ladder as prices were going up and you'd have been daft to rent while saving a deposit when 100% mortgages were being handed out.
Aside from a minority of rich investors, people want homes to live in, we're not all just trying to get rich quick

I do worry about how my Children will save up to get houses but I'd also worry if they were being handed a mortgage easily and then at the mercy of climbing interest rate

It's swings and roundabouts, the pressures today are different that's all. It wasn't a bed of roses for families in the past either

OP I would urge you to stop taking money off your father and find ways of standing on your own 2 feet, you will feel much better for it in the long term.

[Marynary]

Babbitywabbit If you were referring to me when you talk about "bashing previous generations" then I would like to point out that I am the "previous generation" . Interest rates were high in the 1980s but that meant you could easily save for a deposit so did not have to make huge mortgage payments for a 30k house. Also, house prices rose very rapidly (percentage wise) so those who bought houses before1989 generally did very well out of it unless they overstretched themselves.
I bought a house straight within a year of qualifying in my profession in the South of England as did a lot of my friends. I doubt that many (or event any) people can do that nowadays.

[Marynary]

event even

[Newbrummie]

Basic maths actually shows over the same period less capital i.e. House purchase price even at double fluctuations which were literally for days at a time not months is cheaper. I'll take your three times your salary and 5% deposit over my 5.5% mortgage thank you

[trollspoopglitter]

Haven't read your other threads but I do find it curious you call your father your only family... Then casually mention a successful sister who married well. Oh and she just happens to be a psychiatrist too!

What does she think?

Do you two have any sort of contact, still?

I suspect she's put in place boundaries and refuses to pander to your requests and is exasperated that you still manipulate her father.

[Babbitywabbit]

also the OP claims she had an 'unexpected council tax bill'. Part of being a grown up is realising that yes bills need to be paid.

The OP sounds very entitled. It's not helpful for people to tell her she's 'coping really well', that's actually very patronising. Mental health issues are not an excuse for leeching off family members and blaming them for your own poor decisions

[ARumWithAView]

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to see your daughter receive and then spend a £16k+ inheritance (was it £30k?), and then hear her say she can't afford to replace a broken freezer, and she also needs to borrow £20 for petrol. I agree with Babbit that it's not very helpful to respond that the OP is 'coping really well'. This isn't 'coping'. This is moving from one crisis to another, being bailed out by a parent, and blaming him for it.

You don't have an emergency fund, but you spent ££ on a valuable 'investment' piece of jewellery. Why not start by selling that?

[Newbrummie]

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, my mother would tell you all sorts of stories about how my brother allegedly fucked up, but she wouldn't tell you about his shitty upbringing that she subjected him too. There does come a point where adult children do just have to deal with their own stuff but equally I could give my 16 year old £30,000 now and I'd know she would be sensible with it because of the way she's been raised. Have to wonder what part the op's father played there don't you

[Babbitywabbit]

No we don't need to wonder because the OP has written about how she was brought up so we have her perspective on it. It's not an excuse though that's the point. Particularly as she can see the shortcomings of it.
We are all products of our upbringing: as an adult you aim to avoid the mistakes you feel your parents made, and aim to live your life the best possible way.
The OP is taking huge hand outs from her father while being hugely critical of his attitude to money. She resents him and her sister for having careers and earning more, but won't use her teaching qualification because it's easier and less stressful to work as a teaching assistant.

We don't need to wonder anything, it's quite clear that the OP has massive double standards

[BabychamSocialist]

I do think she needs to take her dad's feelings into account - he's obviously the way he is because of his experiences with her mum.

[springydaffs]

Why suddenly talking about the op in the third person? When op is here, in the room as it were.

That would mightily piss me off op.

[Toadinthehole]

Those who think the baby boomers had it easy should read A Working Life by Polly Toynbee or Seasons in the Sun by Dominic Sandbrook. A lot of people did it tough; there was a lot of genuine hardship. 30% annual inflation means a hell of a pay cut. The descriptions of families having to choose between heating and eating are no different to the present, and people seem to have known all manner of ways to save money that are now forgotten.

[malificent7]

The ignorence about mental health on here is breathtaking!! Bordering on discrimination.

20 years ago i was hospitalised after a bad manic episode. Doctors told my parents i vould be thete forever. They thought id lost my mind.

A month later i walked out straight into a job. I then went and got my degrre and qualifications.
Unfortunately the teaching made me go high again? You want a high teacher working with your kids? You want someone who isnt cut out gor the rigours pf the job working with hour kuds? Thought not.

As a ta i can remain stable and not go back to hospital. My sister has no mh issues and can do her job well. 2 days a week mow she has her son!

Massive handputs from dad? I asked him for 20 quud gor petrol. I wanted to buy the freezer on credit but he waded in.

[malificent7]

So yes... given doctors gave me a very bad prognosis and thought id never have a normal life i think ive done very well indeed!

I never wanted my dad to pay my house deposit. I just wish hed never had my cash in the first place and had offered more helpful advice rather than 'buy an expensive xae. ' I didnt!!

[malificent7]

Car even.

Yes my mum had the odd spree hut the snarling and icy silences if we needed essentials like shoes were something to behold. As were thenhuge rows.

Of but that was mums dault wasnt it as she was bipolar?

Im amazed this thread is still going tbh... but go on resume bitching.. as you were.

Except i wont be reading.. i will be alerting mumsnet to some og the lack of understanding of mental health. All to do with changing attitudes and the like!

[malificent7]

The irony is most of you want a teacher for your offspring who can handle the rogours of the job. I cant.

But as long as im teaching OTHER peoples kids... thats ok then?!

Im a great TA btw!

[malificent7]

Rigours even!!!

[harrypotternerd]

before you accuse me of not understanding mental health, my mother and aunt are schizophrenic, my DP's uncle has bi polar, I have PTSD, plus I have studied mental health and so has my DP.
You cannot use your mental health as an EXCUSE, that is what you are doing. You have decided that you are a hard done by single mum, I was a single mum of four working part time so yes I know the stresses that brings but unless you change your attitude nothing will change.

You have to be aware of your mental health and not be in a job that sets you back, I agree with you completely there. Look at how much you get each month, set a budget and live within your means. Rent a cheaper place if you can or move to a cheaper area.

[DistanceCall]

OP, you seem to have this obsession that people think that your job is worthless or something like that. We don't - it's your father who thinks so. You're projecting. All that some people are saying is that there are jobs that pay more - which is true.

And that's the crux of the matter. You need to become independent from your father - both financially and (more importantly) psychologically.

[Newbrummie]

I was in a very high paying but stressful role for a number of years which paid for bmw's, fancy clothes and holidays but came at a price. Now I'm in a worthwhile but low status job and we manage for now but it's not forever when I realised two things. It's been provern that once people have enough to eat and a roof anything over and above that doesn't increase happiness and secondly there's a time and a place everything. Whilst you're a single mum is not the time to try and test your metal in the world, you may do great things when your daughter is older but for now savings for uni and buying houses can wait. Just get through this stage of your life and see what the next chapter brings and fuck anyone who tells you it's not good enough. It is for now.