How do I stop this unhealthy relationship with helpful but 'out of touch' dad.

[malificent7]

Put this in relationships but reposted here for traffic.

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

The thing is he is great with dd and she loves him. He normally takes us to Cornwall every year for a break which dd loves and looks forward to. However, as we have not been getting on great and snipe at each other, I am reluctant to keep going on this holiday. I feel trapped in this dynamic.

[crashdoll]

You seem to think everyone is against you but honestly, you are your own worst enemy. Just be proud of yourself and stop trying to seek praise from others, especially not your dad.

You are certainly not the only one who's been through similar. I think it's arrogant to make assumptions about people. Nobody has belittled your - very important - job. You are protecting about how you feel about yourself onto people here. People made suggestions e,g tutoring to help you bring in more income.

[malificent7]

Thanks for the last two points. Yes... i should stop projecting. Good advice!

[crashdoll]

You don't need anyone to tell you that you're doing well. You are doing well so believe that. ;)

[Babbitywabbit]

How dare you make assumptions that the people posting here who disagree with you and find your attitude to your father awful aren't fighting their own battles, be they mental health issues or otherwise.

[OnWiganPierWithNoUmbrella]

OP, I read your post a few days ago and I felt for you and still do. My situation is not the same but has some paralells. I have had issues with overspending due to MH issues and my father was like yours- sometimes very generous and nice, but at other times abusive (emotionally and physically) and controlling. He also had a strange attitude to money and me and my sister were put down constantly as well as screamed at and threatened for not being good enough and having rubbish jobs etc.

I am still working out how to deal with my relationship with my DF, and whether to go NC or not, so have not got any real advice to give on that, except there is a thread in Relationships for people with Toxic Parents (But We Took You to Stately Homes). i have found it very validating and comforting.

As regards money I do agree it is important for you to take control. I cannot worlk at all now due to MH and physical disability but what I did was make sure I received the benefits I was entilted to- PIP, ESA etc. I t was scary but there is an organisation where I live that provides support workers for those with mental health issues who can help with benefits and budgeting. They got me help to get a debt written off (I had a big University overdraft debt but was too unwell to cope with court and bannkruptcy) and came with me to my benefits asessments helping with appeals etc. It has made such a difference. Google Rethink. They are brilliant for this sort of thing. Mind Advocacy can help too.

I wish you all the best. Keep getting well. You are doing great!

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Oh dear, Op.

I can't comment on your financial situation, I'm no expert. I am overqualified for the job I do also and do it because it suits me and I love it, so please don't feel ashamed. You are definitely not alone.

I can say that when you have mental health issues, the way you see things can be, understatement of the year, bleak and at times hopeless. So I get you there.

I don't have wealthy parents. I don't have any wealthy family. So can't comment on that either.

In terms of your dad and your unhealthy relationship with him, you need to break that power imbalance. He can only comment on your life if you ask for input from him. That includes money.

Good luck with future counseling and help.

[thethoughtfox]

'The point is I DON'T want to have this shit, unhealthy attitude to money. Nor I want to borrow any more from him . I do want to take control and separate my financial issues from him completely. My mum and I were always the ' incompetent' ones! (In his eyes)

The issue is ...HOW?! It is an ingrained pattern!'

Easy: stop asking your father for money.

[thethoughtfox]

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