How do I stop this unhealthy relationship with helpful but 'out of touch' dad.

[malificent7]

Put this in relationships but reposted here for traffic.

I do love my dad and I don't want to go nc but the dynamics between us just isn't healthy and hasn't been for a long time.
My dad has always been super careful with money to the point of being tight. I remember he had a lot of rows with my mum about cash as I was growing up as she was bipolar and this meant she went on the occasional binge. I felt she was controlled a bit.
When my mum was bullied out of her job my dad gave her a really hard time as he was loosing a wage. She later found out that he had a lot of savings squirreled away.
I'm a bit like my mum in that I am not great with money. I do try and be careful but I think all of the penny pinching/financial times obsessing/ obsession with me getting a job as a doctor or lawyer/ lack of awareness of what made a young girl happy eg;nice clothes etc made me rebel.

So now I am a single mum with a low paid job. I trained as a teacher but the stress made me mentally ill and I was bullied out of a good role in a private school. I have settled for being a Teaching Assistant.

It has been so hard to secure a permanent contract as I have been on supply. This has made it very hard to budget. I have also been hammered for child care. Dad kept making digs that I didn't have a permanent job. Finally I have got a fixed term contract that will probably lead onto a permanent role. Dad is finally happy-ish.

Over Christmas my freezer broke and dad kindly offered to buy me a new one despite me telling him I would buy on credit. I am very grateful.
However, I have also been hammered for an unexpected council tax bill. I asked if I could borrow £20 for petrol and he went off in a tantrum saying that he has already lent me £400 (for the fridge/freezer.)

I have now told him I will pay him back for the freezer as I don't want the emotional blackmail. The thing is , he is absolutely loaded. He did work and save hard but he had a very well paid job as a teacher in the private sector. He loved teaching and he just does not get why I can't hack it.

I just think he is disappointed. My sister is a successful psychiatrist and has married a rich man so he doesn't get why I am so skint. He thinks that benefits are a huge amount. I had to overcome significant mental health issues (eating disorder/ domestic violent issues) to get this far. It is a miracle that I am even employed.

He tells me I should always have a pot of £300 in case of emergencies like the freezer and does not get it at all that I just cannot save.

On the plus side of all this, I have no credit cards or loans so no debts but I am never going to be good enough am I as I'm not rich.

Apparently I am putting him under a lot of pressure. How do I stop relying on my dad.?.he is the only family I have really. it just feels like a shame but I don't want to rely on him any more.

The thing is he is great with dd and she loves him. He normally takes us to Cornwall every year for a break which dd loves and looks forward to. However, as we have not been getting on great and snipe at each other, I am reluctant to keep going on this holiday. I feel trapped in this dynamic.

[Blueskyrain]

Couldn't you tutor round your house when she's in bed?

Or mark exam papers?

[Dragongirl10]

Also, my dad moaned when I did supply teaching as the contracts are very insecure... he's much happier now I'm in a lower paid but more secure job.

Why does it matter what he thinks .....you are an adult with a child.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

You lost my limited sympathy at the 'does anyone work full time on here?'

Yes I do. I'm also a single parent and my job doesn't pay massively well. I wouldn't ever blame my parents in the way you are attempting to. You seem totally unwilling to understand what people are saying to you here, hence your questioning about people's employment and implying none of us get your issues. Newsflash: You're not the first and won't be the last single parent in this situation. There are plenty of us. So quit the pity party, buck yourself up and find a solution instead of blaming others.

Sorry but I've seen your previous threads and your attitude is unbelievably irritating.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

OP I do sympathise but you come across as a bit clueless about money management. You've had some good advice from the credit crunchers here.

Also I think you should get out of the mentality that because your dad is wealthy you are somehow entitled to his help. If, after a 16k inheritance you don't even have a £500 emergency fund then I would see you as flaky and throwing good money after bad. "Investing" in jewellery is utterly folly in your circumstances. The insurance will wipe out any increase in value and put even more strain on your finances.

[missymayhemsmum]

OP, this is how you change it,
Put your child benefit aside into an account for emergencies, plan your finances so your bills are covered (and your other money is separate from your bills money), set up a Christmas savings account so that next year you can pay for Christmas without missing your Council Tax and stop asking your Dad for money.

The reality of being a working single parent is that you will probably always be skintish, but you can be skintish and in control.

[wizzywig]

OP i think its always going to be tough as an adult to ask your parent(s) to look over your bank account and help you budget. it does make you feel 10 years old. however, perhaps his attitude may change and you two may be more on an equal footing if you approach him and ask "can you look through my statements, see if there are any savings that can be made? can you come to the supermarket with me for a food shop every week for a couple f months?" i say for a couple of months as if you did it as a one off, im sure he would say "you just need pasta, chopped tomatoes, beans and a loaf of bread". he obviously wants to help you and that period of time will let you show him what you are up against. perhaps this can bring you two together?
also i think retraining into an nhs career isnt probably a great idea. it'll cost you tuition fees (after sept 2017), childcare, no job while you are training and it would be a presurised job.

[ShinyMoonFace]

Op, with all due respect, no-one has said they see being a TA as 'lowly'.

You said that you are qualified as a teacher, but now working a s aTA and the pay is dreadful. And that as a consequence of you now working as a TA you are having serious financial issues.

People have suggested things that may help you, that is all.

[MrsBrew005]

Do you know what, I've read your post i am in a similar ish position financially struggling dh and I had our kids unplanned and young, we do our best but we struggle and my dad much like yours has helped us to no end. He regularly weighs in on my spending which yes, can be frustrating at times but never for more than a second, because i realise, I am now an adult, with my own family and responsibilities. We are SO blessed to have such wonderful fathers who are willing to help, but as long as I need his help financially on the odd occasion (very rare these days) I take every word of advise or criticism on board.

Bite your tongue and remember how lucky you are, perhaps a more grateful attitude would avoid him belittling you. So many truly have no help at all, maybe he speaks from experience, dads are here to guide us.

[TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap]

You have all of my sympathy OP.

I left an abusive relationship 9 years ago and was on benefits for a while. I had no car, couldn't afford to learn to drive and take repeated tests and insure one etc... A lot of people made not so subtle digs about me being on benefits (I'd young kids).

[Pettywoman]

Fucking hell, you're a single parent in a low paid job and suffer bipolar disorder. That's not exactly a walk in the park. To me it sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

FWIW I pissed through an inheritance too when DS was young and I was made redundant. It goes remarkably quickly when you can't get a permanent job. No judging from me there.

I can understand your feelings regarding your df. People like him just can't seem to check their privilege. He's had your mum to provide childcare, he's had no problem with having a stable job. He's had financial responsibility for the family but at a time when society was very much set up for breadwinning males. Could he have done that as a sole carer for a child?

[joystir59]

Dear OP I think you will feel much better if you stop thinking of your DF's money as something you are entitled to. You are not. His money his his money, and your money is yours. Perhaps some counselling would help you to unpick this 'helplessness' behaviour you have developed in regards to your relationship with df. He sounds very judgemental and unhealthy in his attitudes to you- money is given with strings attached. It would be lovely if you could change career path and earn more money and become truly independent- I'm sure you would feel better and also be breaking out of the mould your mother was in and setting a better role model for your own child. This will all take time, and as I say, perhaps help in the form of counselling- I wish you the very best of luck!

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Twocircles... Why is that relevant?

[BoBo16]

Sorry OP but I also think you need to grow up and stop being so entitled and spoilt.

I was a single parent once and was really struggling - only I didn't get a big inheritance or money off parents for fridge freezers etc! If my appliances broke, I had to go without until I'd saved up to buy a new one.

I'm only 36 btw, this wasn't a million years ago when things were "easy".

It's not your dads responsibility to keep you. Be grateful for what he's given you so far and stop stressing the poor bloke out. He's done his but, now you do yours. Let him enjoy his retirement.

[user1480946351]

I can understand your feelings regarding your df. People like him just can't seem to check their privilege

Yeah, these people. Handing out money to their kids who blow through an inheritance and keep asking for more. Nasty bastards, the lot of them

[Plifner]

I can understand your feelings regarding your df. People like him just can't seem to check their privilege

Yeah, people like him. People who hand out money to their struggling daughter and also offer advice on how best to spend it. What a prick

[ShinyMoonFace]

and take them on holidays every year.

[wowfudge]

OP in one of your posts you described money as fun - only if you can afford it is spending money fun. You remind me of a friend who has struggled with money. She unexpectedly came into some money. Promptly went from bank to shops and bought new clothes for a night out. Next day the bank contacted her. The cheque was a fake. So she'd spent money she didn't have and couldn't take the stuff back as she'd already worn it.

Find something to reward yourself which doesn't need money. Try to change your attitude to money. And fgs start budgeting.

The council tax thing - it's normal to pay it over 10 months then get two months in Feb and Mar where you don't pay anything. Had you paid too little over the previous months then!

[Atenco]

He was a "baby boomer" who had the cheap mortgage, final salary pension, able to save etc

I just had to muscle in about these digs at baby boomers. I came on the hindend of the baby boom, and why people think everything was so easy then I don't know, obviously people who are incapable of reading or talking to people from that time. Back in the 70s, my husband and I spent 8 months working full-time, eating just one meal a day to save up for tickets to be able to emigrate. We didn't drink or smoke and Christmas dinner was a roast chicken. I'm not complaining, it was all part of life's wonderful mosaic, but it gets my goat that people think that it was so easy for baby boomers.

[ShinyMoonFace]

My parents were baby boomers. They worked (teachers) and did private tutoring, plus my Dmum did shelf stacking so they could pay off their mortgage faster.

We had our first family holiday 'abroad' when I was 11 and DB aged 9.

They are in their late 60s now and just retired, and are VERY comfortable. But it was hard going. My DAunt was 4 years younger than my dad and did the hippy trail in the 70s and 80s and did not come back to the Uk or get a full time job 9also teaching) until the late 80s. She used to hiss and spit at my Dfather (her brother) for being 'lucky' because he was further along in his career etc, and she was in rented.

Just different choices. But I would never say that my baby boomer parents had it easy. They had alot of things very hard.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Ditto. My parents are baby boomers. They were paying off their mortgage when interest rates were 19% and people were losing their houses left right and centre.

[malificent7]

Tbh i font consider my inhetirance 'blown' at all.
I got a new bed ad thd old was falling to bits
I got a second hand car to take me to work.
I took dd on holiday... without dad!!!
I got a shed to store our bikes and garden equipment in as was fed up if it being in the kitchen
i got a washing machine and tumble drief and paid gor 6 months rent...
i carried on working too.

In other words.. a lot of things that people spend money on normally. I fidnt blow it on drink or drugs or lots of posh clothes..
i bet you lot buy stuff like this.

As for thr holidays in Cornwall... dad comes too. It gas been a damily tradition for years and he enjoys spending the time with dd and she loves it too.

I bet if i was a mum with a rich dp then dad taking me away woild be acceptable.

And im very grateful for all this.... im just not comfortable with it.
I

[NoraDora]

Why are you wasting an inheritance on rent if you were working? You should have banked the money and got a house deposit.

You haven't blown it on drink or drugs but you have got rid of it on day to day expenses. You have used it to prop up your unaffordable lifestyle.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

I bet you lot buy stuff like this.

No, not at all. And not without a rainy day fund. What would you have done if you hadn't inherited the money? You would have had to make do.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

In other words.. a lot of things that people spend money on normally. I fidnt blow it on drink or drugs or lots of posh clothes..
i bet you lot buy stuff like this.

Oh just stop now. You're one of those people who will be the eternal victim. No matter how much help, advice or support you get, someone else is always to blame.

[Dutch1e]

Lots of PPs have suggested not borrowing from your dad. I wonder if it's an even better idea to stop discussing money with him completely.

You're a grown woman and the head of your own household - it's really none of his business how much you'really earning or the status of your contract.

It might be a relief to both of you if he had no insight into your finances