To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

[PullThePebble]

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

OP other parents in rl who are in the same boat as you can be a lifeline - a source of great support and information you don't get anywhere else! Your local .gov website should point you in the right direction.

OP other parents in rl who are in the same boat as you can be a lifeline - a source of great support and information you don't get anywhere else! Your local .gov website should point you in the right direction.

Great, and you can pop to get some tea for two minutes and get berated.
Amazing.

Pullthepebble I'm so sorry that you were pushed to the edge tonight, it's a bloody scary abyss to look into and we can't reconcile the dark feelings with the overwhelming feelings of love we feel for our kids. One thing to remember is that processing an autism diagnosis of our children can be emotional for many parents. Even when we think "it's fine, I can handle this", deep down emotions are moving and stirring that we don't realise. Please give yourself the time and space to ensure you have fully accepted and come to terms with your DD's diagnoses and what that means for her and the family.

Your post took me back to when my DD was 3 (diagnosed with AS and has sensory processing problems with other things) and night after night I would still be up at 2am trying to get this little person to sleep. DH was working away at the time so it was down to me. She would drop off just after 2am and be up again around 6-7am so for several months I was operating on 4hrs sleep a night and with her daily behaviour I was exhausted, beyond belief, I honestly don't know how I did it. It messes your head up, affects your ability to make rational judgements and reduces your capacity for compassion towards others. (Then we discovered Melatonin!) You sound like you have gone as far as you can without any support and that needs to change now. Others posters have recommend some helpful sources for support and I think those along with courses on strategies and insights into how your Dd's autism affects her will be beneficial to you. Also glad to see that your DH is stepping up to the plate and will help more. DH and I share everything related to our DD and we do alternate bed-times and bath-times. So when DD has a bath (another huge effort) one does bath and one does bed. You will be surprised how quickly that small distance gives you the breathing space you need to get ready for the next activity related to your DD. Plan the day in advance of which parent will do what with which child. Planning is also key in helping us feel in control so if you know that you are bathing DD one day then you can gauge her mood through the day, ensure you have everything you need during bathtime, plan for any strategies that you may need depending on how her anxiety is that day and get through the activity with your own sanity in tact. I'm just using bath-time as an example but it's equally important with any task. You both need to learn what makes your DD get through the day calmly, what increases her anxiety and will need to make adjustments to your family life/routine to accommodate those. It's a new level of acceptance. We spent quite a long time trying to force our DD into our family routine/lifestyle the way it was before she came but that didn't work for her. Our life is beyond recognition now from when she was 2/3 and it's generally well managed and calm but we could never have gotten to this point without the help of outside support services and taking up any training course we could get ourselves onto. In fact we are both on another 2-day course at the end of this month and DD has been officially diagnosed now for 5 years. It's a never-ending learning journey.

I've been thinking about your own diagnosis and how that fits into your situation and another poster mentioned up thread about putting your own sensory management plan in place to help keep you calm too. My DH is currently being assessed for AS and we expect him to be diagnosed so I am using my experience of him in relation to this. I can see when he gets to the point of not knowing what to do - i.e. it looks like he could just go into free-fall mentally/emotionally and at that point I step in and literally take over and push him out, gently telling him to go and have some of his own time out. He accepts that and goes off to allow his own anxiety to diminish. Perhaps your DH could pay more attention to your behaviour and learn more about your limits so that he too can see when you're becoming overloaded and then he can take control the situation allowing you to move back...?

It's not easy but through following up on support offers you will meet lots of amazing, lovely parents who will help you learn and support you and your family through your journey. Once you have got your support in place, emotionally and financially, you will see that once again you will be able to breathe again and have some sense of family life and you will learn how to advocate for your DD. I have three children and DD is our youngest so it was a huge shock after being a parent for many years to have a child that everyone had to work around and with but it can be done - never perfectly mind you! But it will get better the more you learn about your DD and how her autism affects her, just take it slowly, be kinder to yourself and get out there and grab every piece of support you can get.

If you want to PM me please feel free and I hope that this new year sees your family receive the support it needs.

Thanks so much for your post OP. When my DS (with Asperger's) was a child I often felt like you do now and I never told anybody.

It was a lonely few years - everybody (friends, child psychologist, teachers, strangers) constantly told me what a great mum I was, how patient, insightful, great advocate for him etc - but I couldn't believe them because I often felt like you've described. He was violent to himself and me, barely slept, smashed the house up, our social life became tiny.

I'm still haunted by the two times I snapped, once calling him a 'fucking freak' and the other smacking him across the top of his head. I still feel ashamed even though I know that day after day after day I did manage to provide the calm, safe, respectful environment he deserved.

He's now a lovely, popular young man with his own full life. When I tried to talk to him about those times he just said "everyone makes mistakes Ghost" (he's never called me mum!)

I wish I'd talked about how hard it was at the time. My only advice is keep talking , helplines, other parents of ASD children, anyone who won't judge you. You're doing a brilliant job and you don't have to be alone.

HV and SS are and can be incredibly supportive, I'm Not questioning that, they are needed here but ultimately if op goes in to the GP and says she has already shoved her dd is could easily take another route.

I have actually seen this first hand btw. It was a nightmare to sort out over a very small misunderstanding.

OP if your area offers the Family links nurturing course please see if you can get on it. It is really, really good. I have done a lot of parenting courses and this is he best. It may well not help, but I think it has the best chance of all the courses I have done!

It comes with a book, The parenting puzzle

The course I did you had to get referred onto, I self referred via schools link worker. It also provided a creche.

It was free, as was the book. They gave us nice coffee and biscuits or chocs, the helpers were amazing. It is so worth doing if you get the chance. The children are in a creche in a separate room.

I just wanted to add my support too, DS1 is awaiting assessment for autism and I love him so much but his behavior is incredibly challenging, I've never hit him, but he pushes me and is awful in the way he speaks to me. My husband works long hours and never backs me up, and doesn't see the crap I get from him all the time, and when I tell him he just minimizes it. I was in tears yesterday with his behavior towards me, and him calling me names.

I've started anti depressants this year as I was so overwhelmed, I take mirtazapine and find they had no side effects for me, but sertraline weren't right for me, so keep trying with different ones.

I suspect I'm on the spectrum too, and easily get overwhelmed and anxious, it's incredibly difficult but I've found a brilliant local charity who run coffee mornings for parents and carers of children with additional needs, it's what keeps me going, knowing I have other parents who I can go and talk too every month who get how tough it is. Look up on your local offer page to see what's around your area, there might be something similar for you

I have a nt 3yr old who slaps, headbutts, pinches, kicks and bites when he has a tantrum (and sometimes just because he's not getting his own way or wants attention, any sort of attention).

It can be a shocking thing to go through. I have never been physically assaulted like this in my life by anyone. And when it comes out of the blue and he really hurts me then yes, it's an absolutely visceral reaction to stop it - any way I can.

I've barely been in control some times and I can completely see how someone could snap in a similar situation.

Dh and I have each others back and take over when the other needs a break or to calm down. I've also spoken to plenty other parents who will admit to losing control - it's good to talk. It helps us feel more normal, less alone, less "useless" as a parent.

You're a good mother. Under considerable pressure you are putting dd first and keeping her safe. Thinking is not the same as acting.

Really Dan?

Authorities warned?

Must be amazing to be psychic and know what part of the country the OP is in.

Are you always this vile and unhelpful, or did you shove a pine cone up your arse this evening?

dan what is it with the snide remarks? Have you never felt at breaking point(I don't use that term lightly either.)do you even have any experience of it? Have you actually felt so helpless & had to fight with every last bit of yourself to obtain the proper help for your child from so called health professionals? Have you experienced depression as a result? If you can answer yes then please post any help/advice to OP as she would welcome the support.If not then kindly don't post unsympathetic comments.

Not just me though is it?

Some practical thoughts (from experience);

• we do lots of "quiet time" in calm down to bed; routine includes dimmed lighting, a specified telly programme from iplayer, a snack of toast, drink of water, then up to bathroom for toilet, teeth (but not a bath, too stimulating in the evening)
• defined story time (same story every evening... Argghh!).
• 'pat down' of blankets (some ASD children like weighted blankets), then someone sits in the room in the darkness together.

Apols if that's all v obvious. And I've not RTFT. 😊 Hopefully it'll get better as they get older. It'll change... In the meantime, GP tmrw for you. Because you need the support. 💐💐💐 FWIW we have amazing HV support. And a fantastic local parents support group (mostly virtual via FB for me).

I think some parenting/asd courses will be very useful, I will chase those up.

We were given a folder when dsd was diagnosed with info on which I'm going to go through again, I think there was a course in there too. It's all been a bit whirlwind since then.

I'm very happy this thread ahead helped others, it has helped me.

I'm also very sorry if it has upset some. Please believe me, I don't want to abuse my daughter, I never want to hurt a hair on her head.

But I won't minimise what I did. I shoved her away from me. I snapped, I wanted to hurt her. I know now that this mean I need to seek support and help because I'm not coping half as well as I was making out I was. I will be completely honest about my feelings and actions when talking to my gp and health visitor.

If the gp or anyone else recommends social services involvement then that is what's best and I'm no longer scared of that. It sounds like this won't be the first time they've heard this.

It Is just you with the unsympathetic posts. And bullies and child violence are a big deal to me, hence the continual requests to you to stop bullying the op.

Glad this thread has helped you. You are, as others have said, quite naturally at the end of your tether. It's understandable. Seek the support of those who can help and take the help and support they are able to give. It is brave if you to be so honest. x

To the OP.

...of you

Is that aimed at my last post Dan? I'm guessing that you have reported it but that's your choice.I've been on MN for many years now(name changing aside.)& yes I have & do report where necessary,have done a few recently fwiw.As I said before keep off the thread or contribute positively.I can fully appreciate that this may be triggering to you.Also Dawn is a long standing poster so not deliberately trying to stir.