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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

300 replies

PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 19:47

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

OP posts:
OpheliaMoo · 03/01/2017 21:44

There is nothing wrong with needing support and posting it here.

Your DP needs to get on board a bit more - share the load and take some of the strain.

None of us are perfect parents - some of us have different breaking points. The difference is if you recognise and do something about it, which you have.

Some very judgemental posts here

Original poster
PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 21:44

I have found this incredibly helpful, thank you.

I honestly had no idea that anyone else (who wasn't a monster) had felt like this.

It absolutely terrified me. I thought I would lose my children if I ever admitted I'd felt this. So I'm very glad that now I can go to the gp and tell them exactly how I feel.

I know it's not normal but now thanks to this post I know I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Verbena37 · 03/01/2017 21:45

Op there are some really good local authority support services out there. I realise not all counties support is the same but they will have support groups you can go to as a parent or workshops for things like Child anxiety or sleeping etc.

I know how you feel.....especially if your DP doesn't really get it. It's really hard having a child with ASD and there is rarely a let-up. It's day in, day out and that'S draining on anyone.

Hope your appointment goes well and that the GP gets you some good help.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/01/2017 21:46

Pebble, you're very brave coming on here, with your honesty.
You are at breaking point and need some support, your DH needs to tow the line, his lack of understanding, lets him down.
Your love for your children shines through. I really feel for you, hope you get the help you need, at your next appointment. 💐

Original poster
PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 21:47

I think, because dd has moatly done bedtimes with me it's just fallen into a routine that way.

I have read do this thread. He appears to be shocked that I really feel like this and has apologised and said he will take over more.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2017 21:47

OP I have been in your position, and many people have who have children with ASD. Is there a local ASD Facebook group in your area. I am a member of mine, and I have meet a few fantastic Autism parents, we meet regularly. They just get it! That is what you need too. Can you put her in pre school, so you get a break as well.

DixieNormas · 03/01/2017 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

April229 · 03/01/2017 21:50

Op this sounds so hard. I think you're doing amazing. But you do need help.

Insist on dp doing bed time for a few nights. Insist on it - he has to understand how hard it is so you can be united and seek help together.

A system where you can step out while he steps in - and vice Versa so it doesn't get too intense for either of you might help. I think you are going to have to be pushy and forth right with the people around you to get help from the GP and dp and anyone else that can support you. Good luck with everything x

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2017 21:50

I am glad that your dh has read this, and is seeing how you are feeling and the burden it has on you. DH did not quite understand, as he was working and I am a STAHM, who cannot drive, I used to do the lions share of the work. I also felt quite isolated in the early days, due to not driving and the buses being crap.

IAmNotAWitch · 03/01/2017 21:51

OP the thing to remember is that you didn't do the things that flashed up.

Been there DS2 is NT but went through a phase of head banging screaming tantrums at bedtime/late at night.

Just remember it happened in your head, it didn't happen to her.

I started wearing earplugs for bedtime. It helped 'distance' me and meant I could stay in control.

It didn't happen.

DixieNormas · 03/01/2017 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/01/2017 21:52

But it is normal.... - for a parent of a child on the autistic spectrum.
Unless you've been there, you really can't understand how desperate you can get.

DixieNormas · 03/01/2017 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wriggler79 · 03/01/2017 21:57

It's not abnormal to feel like this. I had violent thoughts towards my kids when I was exhausted and they were tiny and exhausting. Didn't act on them. Felt guilty for ages afterwards. Talked to other mums who admitted thoughts like 'throwing them at the wall'. Shocking and scary but desperate and exhausted thoughts. It gets better I promise but I hope you get support and are listened to.

beansbananas · 03/01/2017 22:00

I'm not sure whether it will help, but you've described the things you find most challenging with your daughter. So maybe it might also help to write down the moments you find most rewarding each day, and what you cherish about her? You are clearly a loving mother but sometimes it's easier to focus on the negatives and not the positives, and writing it down might be cathartic?

Original poster
PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 22:01

Sorry I meant that it wasn't normal as in 'I should do something about this before it gets worse' sort of way

I can see now that it is not so rare for asd parents!

OP posts:
SuperflyTNT · 03/01/2017 22:01

Definitely seconding the safety helmet, or ensuring all the hard edges are covered with cut-up pool noodles.
Coping with autism symptoms is hard, and DH and I have our moments with our 2 dc's with ASD, but we manage to keep ourselves sane by tagging each other, especially at nights when it can be the most draining.
The anti-d's are likely to make you feel much worse before you feel any better, and I found that when it's stress rather than depression, you need to get you back, which is easily lost in caring.
DH and I take turns to go out on our own more now, but when we stuck it out together all the time our tempers were much much shorter. There is no manual for coping with neuro-diverse children, you just have to find what works for you.
Melatonin was a life saver for us, as it meant that DS2 finally slept, and stopped (literally) bouncing off the walls until gone midnight every night. Sometimes it is safer to remove yourself for ten minutes - have a cup of tea in the garden (providing the dc's safe, of course) to calm down than to stay and end up doing something regrettable.
Flowers and Wine OP.

BishopBrennansArse · 03/01/2017 22:01

OP ignore those whose desperate need to condemn overrules any attempt to even imagine how you're feeling.

Been where you are, you can take my sympathy as read, you're only human.

In a practical level this stuff is awesome to duct tape around baby gates to thwart the most determined head banger. Swimming noodles can be chopped about to look like PAC man and tape to wall corners. Sponge and duct tape whilst not looking pretty are your friends to get you through this stage.

It'll give you 5 mins to take a breather without worrying that she's going to brain herself.

Can you tell I've got the t-shirt? (3 times) Wink

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 03/01/2017 22:01

Glad to hear you'll be making an emergency appointment OP Flowers

MNHQ
ToniMumsnet · 03/01/2017 22:05

Thanks for the reports about this thread.
The OP has opened up their feelings of frustration, and many Mumsnetters empathise with the OP, and are offering a tremendous amount of support on the thread.
We do have protocols in place to alert the appropriate authorities, should we think a child is in danger, and we will continue to monitor this thread, in case we feel both the OP - or her DD - need help.

Original poster
PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 22:06

Well any parents!

I've just never heard about anyone experiencing similar. This has been such an eye opener

I definitely don't feel so alone anymore.

OP posts:
Joanna0685 · 03/01/2017 22:06

Antidepressants don't work straight away you need to give them a few weeks then decide if they are for you. You have done the major step by admitting you need help and I only hope that you get that, go back to the GP. I think you are smart enough to realise that you need to, you sound a tough one X

ClarissaDarling · 03/01/2017 22:07

pull I am so pleased you have posted, not to hear about how tough it is, but the rallying support you have had from amazing posters. Those of you who are berating the poor OP, I dont even want to bother responding to your fuckery. As pp has said, how many times as new parents were we told how the behaviours and crying can have you on your knees or wanting to run for the hills. Please get emergency appt tomorrow OP, and I saw you mentioned hitting Her head on baby gate, would the fabric retractable ones be of any use to you? Stay strong- there is an army of support here for you.

Original poster
PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 22:11

BishopBrennansArse that looks very interesting thank you!

If I honestly still thought I'd hurt my dd I'd be out of the house now. It was just such a scarily vivid 'imagining'. The urge passed in seconds but it was horrible.

The actual shove just made dd laugh but I intended to shove her forcefully away from me and I cannot excuse it.

I will seek help and to be honest have no problem with relevant authorities being contacted if I was a danger to dd.

OP posts:
Thornrose · 03/01/2017 22:12

PullthePebble I just want to hug you. My dd with AS is 17 and no longer living at home. It's a long, hard road. Flowers

Please PM me if you want to chat.