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Original poster

To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

300 replies

PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 19:47

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 03/01/2017 20:08

You really need help honey,o really feel for you. You need strategies to cope with her behaviour, respite, and a shit ton of love and support from dh and friends and family. Don't push her again, you don't want to get into a cical. Flowers

IrregularCommentary · 03/01/2017 20:09

Can you make an appointment with your GP? They might be able to help you get some support. What you're describing sounds awful and I'm not surprised you're struggling. I'm sure you'd be able to get a quick (and possibly double) appointment if you explain why you want to see them.

Can your dp help more? Hard to tell from your op, but it can't be fair if you're always having to deal with bedtime for example.

Mrscog · 03/01/2017 20:09

Oh op you poor thing - I get this, my nearly 5yo is NT but so challenging at times I've been where you are.

This is going to sound ridiculous but keep drinking lots of water - I discovered that I am SO much prone to the awful 'snapping' feeling if I'm dehydrated - it comes out of nowhere. If I've had plenty of drinks I don't really get the same rage.

bigbuttons · 03/01/2017 20:10

try some different ant d's? I am wanting to go back on them again and will ask for the liquid form again . I have to start on liquid prozac and up the dose very slowly as I cannot tolerate the side effects from a straight on full dose of tabets.

Rixera · 03/01/2017 20:11

I had a horrible mother.
She did not ask for help, like you are.
She was not struggling with a difficult situation, like you are.
She did not walk away when she wanted to hurt, like you are.
What you are is human. You are thinking of what is best for your daughter and what you are physically capable of, which is asking your DP to step in.
My mother hurt me out of vindictiveness. She planned it and found sneaky ways to do the things in your head and more. She planned ways to make my life more unpleasant, the way you plan feeding your daughter her meals and putting her to bed in nice clean warm pyjamas.
That is horrible. You are not. Now breathe.

Go take a bath with plenty of bubbles.

SocksRock · 03/01/2017 20:11

You need to keep taking the tablets. They can take up to 6 weeks to kick in. I take 20mg citalopram every day, without it I feel rage like I couldn't imagine before I reached my breaking point. I never, ever hurt my children but I recognise the feelings you are having. The drugs saved me. I don't have a child with autism, but please give the drugs a chance to work.

IonaNE · 03/01/2017 20:11

OP, post on the SEN children board - several MNers with children with ASD there, they would be able to give more specific advice.

Original poster
PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 20:11

Dd usually cries for me at bedtime but I'm going to ask do to do her bedtimes until I can see someone.

I can't excuse my behaviour. I feel sick now knowing at that moment I wanted to hurt her. I can't bear it.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 03/01/2017 20:11

Who knows what comes next if people are just going to condemn whilst offering no constructive advice take
The op has come on here looking for help so that what comes next is hopefully her managing better.

opalescent · 03/01/2017 20:12

I bet far more parents have experienced those feelings fleetingly than would ever admit it. We've all been there when your children are pressing on your last nerve.
Don't feel like a horrible person, you are Human, and need help Flowers

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 03/01/2017 20:12

Apart from sticking his oar in to bereate you, what exactly does your partner do to help whilst all this is going on?

Dawndonnaagain · 03/01/2017 20:13
Flowers Sometimes it's better for both of you if you can just walk away. Make sure she's as safe as can be and then go to the furthest point from her room and have a cuppa. Then back into the fray. You really need some help though, start banging at the GP's door and get referrals to anything and everything. You definitely need some respite care. What you are feeling is completely normal under the circumstances, and it's brilliant that you are here. It does get better.
nursy1 · 03/01/2017 20:14

I think your reaction sounds normal in these circumstances. You need more help and some support and sympathy from your DP.

takemetothehamptons · 03/01/2017 20:14

I admit my posts haven't been helpful and I apologise for that. I just think immediate real life help is needed here and not advice on a forum.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/01/2017 20:14

Take. No one is excusing the op. Of course saying you want to throw a toddler against the wall and hurt him/her is awful.

Op has totally reached the end of her tether. There is only so much a person mothers included can take.
What op needs is sympathy and support to stop her getting to that point. Not judgement.

Temporaryname137 · 03/01/2017 20:15

Oh OP, you're not a monster. You're exhausted and you are crying out for help. Your DP needs to help with bedtime if you are feeling like this. And you need to seek help - some good ideas above and you could try the SN board maybe?

Yes, take, you're the only one. Can you catch this Biscuit in your gob from up there on your high horse?!

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 03/01/2017 20:15

Nothing to add except I totally understand. I have felt like this many times, and it is a truly horrible feeling. My children have also been very violent and it is incredibly hard not to want to hit back when you are constantly being attacked. Before I had children I never ever felt like this and it came as a massive shock to me, adding to the feelings of guilt. My children are adopted and have been through so much I totally get why they are angry and violent but it is so hard and in the heat of the moment I have felt like hurting them. I do still get the feelings you describe sometimes, although things have got easier and I on citalopram which is working well for me. I'll be thinking of you and hope you get the support you need.

DearMrDilkington · 03/01/2017 20:15

take bugger off.

pull you aren't a monster, i wouldn't be able to cope in your situation so well done for being so strong for so long. It sounds really hard. Flowers

Original poster
PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 20:16

Dd was diagnosed in august this year.

The antidepressants made me feel sick to the point I couldn't eat, I don't think I could stick that for six weeks, but could probably ask for new ones?

Do you think I should make an emergency appointment tomorrow or wait until Monday?

Thank you for trying to help.

OP posts:
5000candlesinthewind · 03/01/2017 20:16

There's no excusing shoving your child, but I can understand how you have got to that point. My ds has ODD and ADHD and has been a fucking nightmare to put it bluntly. He requires constant attention and you can never, ever relax around him...I'm sure you can relate!
We're only human and none of us are perfect.

Are you getting much support for her SN? It's worth pushing for, you really need some extra help here.

No big advice as it's a slow path, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

5000candlesinthewind · 03/01/2017 20:17

What time did you take the ADs? Try your next ones on an evening maybe

MatildaWormwoodRoolsOK · 03/01/2017 20:18

Sending love and lots of sympathy. I've felt like this sometimes, even though my DCs have no SNs.

starsorwater · 03/01/2017 20:18

You don't want to hurt her.
You want the stress to stop hurting you.

Flowers
Dawndonnaagain · 03/01/2017 20:18

I admit my posts haven't been helpful and I apologise for that. I just think immediate real life help is needed here and not advice on a forum.
It's great that you can apologise in public. However, help on a forum is the only help available at this time of night and it has been clearly demonstrated in a million and one studies that Mothers who talk about their feelings of frustration and anger are the mothers who tend not to damage their children. It's fabulous for you that you have not yet slipped up, but for those of us who have children with an ASC, life can be very, very hard sometimes. Try not to judge, it only makes life harder and the op is feeling crap enough as it is.

Luciferthethird · 03/01/2017 20:19

Op I know what you mean I have a 3 year old DS with autism I refuse to do bedtime when I can. Dp does it every night simply because ds won't sleep for me. Dp has to spend hours some nights just sitting waiting for him to sleep it's fucking awful but at least he sleeps for dp if I was in the room he'd be hitting kicking biting running round the room it's a nightmare.
Its put a huge strain on our relationship because we get no alone time no peace some nights he doesn't sleep until 1am or later. Sometimes I'm tempted to ask the dr for sedatives for ds anything to make it end.

There's also no one I can talk to about it who would understand.

You're also braver than me to go to the Dr I'd just feel silly going in.

Stay strong op. You're not alone!