I feel like a fucking monster.
This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.
Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.
So I'm stuck in there.
And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.
Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.
I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.
I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.
But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight
I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this
Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?