To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

[PullThePebble]

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

Thank you very much. For the support, the helpful suggestions and advice, the pm's. So many posters have been a lifeline for me tonight.

I didn't start medication, Sertaline, until this year. I didn't seek help and support until we reached a horrendous crisis. Don't be me....

Love, if you have Aspergers, your anger is a HUGE red flag that you're triggering into your own meltdown.

You are not a monster, it is your disability.

You need to recognise those feelings and at that point, when you can feel its getting too much, you need to walk away.

You're an adult, yes you also have autism, but you have the emotional maturity to teach yourself when you're getting overwhelmed and to back away and find something to calm you down.

Tag team with your DH/DP, explain to them that you need their help.

I know this is so hard, my DS also has Autism. You need to step away.

I really empathise with you. My son has Asperger's syndrome and although bed times weren't generally too bad, he had constant and extreme meltdowns, (banging head on walls, floor, furniture) for no apparent reason every day up until the age of about 6. It got to the stage where we didn't bother leaving the house unless we absolutely had to as there was no point, my son would ruin any attempts at having a trip out, etc. I think I also have Asperger's but have never been formally diagnosed. People like doctors, etc. say that as a parent with Asperger's you should be great at understanding what your autistic child is going through and giving them advice later on, etc. but it's just not true in my opinion. I found the noise and disruption caused by my son's meltdowns made my brain hurt and I felt like I was going mad and also had thoughts like you are having. Autistic people need a lot of quiet time and with an autistic child you don't get it and that takes its toll. Like you I have few friends and don't socialise much. I would advise contacting your local autism services and asking for help/advice. They can also give you details of local meetings where you can meet other parents of autistic children. I did this and found it really helped to talk to people who know what you're going through and to know you're not alone. They might be able to suggest some new ways of coping. Thankfully in our case things improved dramatically as my son got older and can now manage his behaviour. He is now 12 and is an absolute delight, I can't believe it's the same boy. He still feels the same anger/frustration that used to cause his meltdowns but is now able to manage it using coping strategies he devised himself. I really hope things gradually improve for you too xxx

Haven't read thread but DON'T do a safety helmet to allow head banging - it's actually incredibly dangerous.

Will read more of thread now.

My (severely autistic) son was the same age 3. We got travel gates (see through) - one on top of the other & I'd sit the other side of it.

Probably been mentioned but melatonin can be your friend.

and yes, talk to someone about melatonin, my DS takes circadin and its makes a HUGE difference to bedtime!

Maybe you could try the FamilyLine. This is how you can get in touch with them: 0808 800 5678 [email protected]

They exist to provide support for parents who feel they have reached the end of their tether. They are not judgmental - they exist because they know that parenting can be a very hard task and parents are only human and that they sometimes feel they will snap.

You are not a bad person - you are human. And it sounds as though you are not getting the right sort of support from you partner.

Well done for putting a distance between you and your DD and having the courage to recognise that you were reaching breaking point.

You need to go back to the service where your DD's diagnosis was made and ask them to provide you with some proper support. Do not pretend that you are coping well - pride has no place here. You need to be practical and recognise that all is not well and that you must seek help with this.

Coping with toddlers is a huge challenge for all parents - do not be fooled by the fact that others appear to be coping fine. You really are not alone. I was a social worker - and believe me there were times when my own children drove me pretty close to the brink. It is nothing to be ashamed of - the only really important thing is that you use this wake-up call to take firm action to get the help that you need.

I do hope that you will be able to take action and send you good wishes.

It's not abnormal for any parent! None of the parents I know (myself included) had kids with particular 'special' needs (I don't know what the current term is - they were all 'neuro-typical' babies/toddlers) - but their parents were still knackered to the point of intrusive or scary thoughts about harming their kids. It's something that doesn't get discussed because it's so scary to think you could feel like that - towards someone you love and are responsible for the wellbeing of. It passes. But it's so awful. It's great that the OP is being so honest because this thread could help a lot of mums feel better, and hopefully seek help.

If you get the sleep shorted with melatonin or circadian, it will probably improve behaviour. Sometimes if dd falls to sleep very late, her behaviour next day is the pits.

My heart goes out to you OP, and I'm so glad to see this thread has brought you so much support. You and your DD deserve it. All the best to you and your family.

It's fantastic it's out there, and being talked about and discussed, instead of hiding away in shame.

Dd has been put on melatonin already by paed but she did mention that it could be increased if it isn't working so well. I'm also going to contact her too, hopefully tomorrow.

Dd is peacefully asleep right now. She looks so tiny and vulnerable. I've just had a big cry and apologised to her. I'll have to do it again when she's actually awake to hear it.

user1483474832 "It doesn't always get better at all. Sometimes I gets much much harder with ever passing year.

My nephew is now in a residential home and there's no way my brother could cope if he wasn't."

That's true, user1483474832, and I am sorry about that. I guess it is best to look on the bright side and see hope in the future but you are right things do not always work out.

However, with my two kids, who have been a handful before, have got better, my friend whose son was incredibly anxious, appears to have got better, my friend whose child had real problems around social anxiety has got better too. Not better like miraculously well, but rather coping better and living a more 'normal' life.

The other thing is, as our kids grow they move into different spheres. They do not just spend all day with us, they go to preschool and full time 'big' school and other people spend more time with them (generally) which gives us some respite. So in terms of that full on being with one parent and not being able to articulate feelings (the child or the parent) I think things generally get better.

Yes this has definitely been a massive wake up call.

I've been trying to act on top of everything and I'm just not. I'm going to beg any and all I can for some support now.

Do not feel you need to apologise to her when she is awake - probably a bit too much for a toddler to deal with. Just give her a hug and set abut finding the help you need. I should go to bed if I were you and get a bit of rest while DD is asleep. They all look angelic when they are asleep!!

Pebble "...has apologised and said he will take over more." Great news. He will be a better support and that will promote more harmony. Kids do pick up on this sometimes so I think your dd, once she gets used to the new regime, will appreciate it. Either way, keeping her safe and happy is important but short term safe beats happy hands down!

Just to agree with others - you are so not a monster, and many other ASD parents will have been there too. My son is 8 and has actually always been a good sleeper (thank goodness, or I dread to think how I would have struggled!) but we had many years of problems with toilet training, and also a summer of poo smearing! I went into his room one night after a long hard day (when he was about 4) and found poo everywhere, burst into tears and he laughed - due to usual ASD lack of ability to interpret emotions. So I lost it, smacked his bottom, really hard, and shouted and yelled at him ! I was mortified afterwards as I was really out of control - but sometimes we all make mistakes. (I didn't hurt him and he wasn't bothered, but that isn't the point. He said 'sorry Mummy', and leaned over to hug me then started laughing again - who knows what goes on in their heads?). But yy to suggestions you join a parent support group - they are the only people who can make realise you are not alone. Sending lots of love and . Good luck, and it will get better!

and hugs OP . DD is NT but I have been there. I had the thoughts of just shut the fuck up! I can't take this anymore.

Get help,look after yourself,consider your needs as well not just hers. And talk,rant and rave all you need. You need an outlet for all those feelings.

Pebble when you speak to doctor try to be as honest as you can. Don't minimize but also don't exaggerate.

Eg - explain, if the shove made your dd laugh, it was not as terrible as it sounds.

Just some empathy from me. All three of my boys are autistic with my oldest having the more 'classical ' autism. It is so very hard. I know. All I can suggest is get a disabilities social worker and access all the groups you can. But really, you just have to keep going and it does get better. My son is 17 now and still quite needy but so sweet and learning to communicate took a long time but made a huge difference to his temperament. Please feel free to contact me directly. No judgement from me.

OP please get an emergency GP appointment tomorrow as this is an emergency for you.You need a change in your meds or to have them tweaked accordingly.You are feeling like this because of the situation of which you have no control over & because of your illness which this situation has caused. It's a vicious cycle.The illness thrives on people at their lowest point & consumes them.
FWIW I think that we've all been pushed at some points as parents but not many would be brave enough to post on a public forum such as MN.I do so hope that you are gaining some strength from the messages of support.
To any who have been negative or critical I suggest that you keep away
from this thread & allow Pull the opportunity to get it all out through words if that is what is helping her cope.If you don't wish to support then don't,you are not walking in OP's shoes.

I don't have any constructive advice pull just wanted to send you a hug and add another name to the list of posters who understand, empathise and definitely don't think you're a monster

I honestly can't believe the judgemental reactions of some people about someone writing in terror about potentially hurting their child.

You do all realise that actual physical and emotional child abuse actually goes on all the time - and I assume as people who feel sick to the stomach about even the mention of it, you all donate to the charities and raise awareness etc? I speak as someone who grew up in a abusive home - your empty preaching words on the internet don't do anything. Either you're preaching to the converted or you'll be ignored. I think the OP was clearly the former from the start.

Pull, I'm so glad you're going to get some more support now and hope you can mentally stop criticising yourself so much too. You're not abnormal, you're just overwhelmed, and with your partner's help and more hopefully you can tackle it quickly

pull thank you for being brave enough to post this. Not only have you hopefully helped yourself, you've helped me and probably many others realise we are not monsters either. So and thanks

Actually pebble I'd be very careful on what you say. Obviously talk about your absolute need for help but be aware that it could very easily be tool as a safe guarding risk. An off the cuff comment can be taken way out of context and set off a chain reaction with SS/HV ect..

I'm Not trying to put you off - you need to go but choose your words wisely.

Good luck