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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

300 replies

PullThePebble · 03/01/2017 19:47

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 04/01/2017 06:44

The practical side of things...

Where to go to get respite. You need to ask Children's services for an assessment. You can also ask for a carers assessment.

Possible outcomes of GP Visit. They could make a referral to Children's services. A social worker will do an assessment. This will determine what pysical support can be offered. Regular care team meeting might happen. This is an opportunity for all professionals, yourself and partner to attend and come up with a plan to get the balance right. To ensure the correct level of support is in place.

Health Visitor can also do a referral as can the paediatrician.

Help is out there, so don't be afraid to ask the relevant authorities. They are there to support families.

I myself have the involvement of Children's services. I have two children on the spectrum. They provide respite and others services.

bigbuttons · 04/01/2017 06:48

Dan you are a ignorant and judgemental tosser

bigbuttons · 04/01/2017 06:49

an ignorant

perfectlybroken · 04/01/2017 06:58

I've not read the thread but to respond directly to the op, yes I have felt this, and am ashamed of how I treated my ds sometimes. I completely understand what you say about instant rage, and it's so hard to control. For me it was a result of anxiety and once this was under control it stopped. As a short term solution could you start trying to get her to bed earlier, so even if it takes just as long, you feel more confident that you get your few hours that you need?

BillSykesDog · 04/01/2017 07:16

Totally agree with unborn. We all as parents know that sometimes it's tough and our buttons are pushed. But for parents whose children have special needs it's so much harder and they are heroes IMO, I don't know how they cope. The OP did totally the right thing stepping back and asking for help in this situation.

Sloper · 04/01/2017 07:35

dan this kind of post MUST NOT be shot down.

Helping the op will stop her slipping over that edge. Condemning and forbidding anyone to talk about these urges and seek help just makes it more likely to happen in private. Can't you see that?

If not then yes you are just being a complete and goady fucker, long-term poster or not.

And as someone so devoted to kids as I said, I really do hope you're doing more for them than being twattish online at people in utter desperation.

Stingray2008 · 04/01/2017 07:49

So sorry to hear your feeling like this op. My son doesnt have sn well dot diagnosed as they say he behaves at school so is fine. He has the most monumental tantrums to the point there is no reasoning with him and as he gets older i worry about coping with him. All his rage is always directed at me and when hes not like that he wants to hang off me constantly to the point i have no personal space. Hes 8 and still doesnt get that people dont like you being so close. Over the years ive had awful thoughts through sheer frustration i have lost it but usually go hit a pillow the worst ice done is shout at him or push him away so i can get out of the situation. but that makes me feel awful.

Please get help. My dp has taken over alot with things like bedtime so i can just have a cuppa in peace. It took him a long time to take me seriously and help.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2017 08:13

dan get the hell off this thread!! It's a support thread for a parent clearly at breaking point, not a tool to kick her when she's already down and vulnerable!

Spikeyball · 04/01/2017 08:31

My child finds going to sleep difficult and most nights he cries,hits himself, and throws himself about. If we went in the room with him he would go for us. we had to set the room up as safe as possible for him such as removing all furniture and padding out the room as much as possible. He now sleeps in a safe space and one of us sits or lies outside it so he doesn't feel on his own.

RocketBaba · 04/01/2017 08:43

My dd is just 4, sounds like a similar bedtime to us last year. And yes I understand the breaking point and no im not a saint either.

Things have improved a bit for us, bedtime is stress inducing but dd is not self harming so although screaming disrupts everyone I can walk away to breathe if I need too, just that makes a world of difference.

I nearly cracked, I stopped telling dh in a calmish manner but in my own dramatic meltdown, which led to him getting it a bit after trying it himself. Not the best way but we are more of a team now.

It's hard and I find focusing on the amazing things you do relentlessly helps without beating yourself up so much about bad points. A break. Though I'm still crap a lot. Yesterday dd got through my grip in a lightening fast move in Sainsbury's and a car cam out of nowhere to just glance her. In shock I screamed at dd at first... not great parenting but it was balled up stress of constantly fearing it that just poured out. To an outsider I probably looked like a crap mother not holding a child, but I try to rationalise and say they don't have a child who needs constant holding. Even my 18minth old can trot on a pavement nearby without sudden moves into traffic and even if she did she doesn't have speed and strength on her side.

My biggest advice is vent, vent a lot. I found once you've said it me the bad thing is said be out it becomes less scary be easier to distance yourself from. I still have ups and downs, even seeing dd as plain naughty and struggling to accept the diagnosis.

Peanutandphoenix · 04/01/2017 08:57

Op your not a horrible person your just at breaking point and your asking for help which proves that you wouldn't do anything to hurt your child I think you need to look in to some kind of respite for your DD and I think your DP could do with being involved a bit more in the bedtime routine. Your not alone though OP there are probably millions of mum's out there who feel the same way. My mum went through same thing with me when I was a baby/child I was a terrible sleeper she got to the point where she went to the doctors and said that she could understand why some mums shake their babies because that's what she felt like doing to me but as the doctor pointed out to her she would never of done it because she took herself to the doctors and asked for help.

Dawndonnaagain · 04/01/2017 10:10

Hope you're feeling a bit better this morning Pulll
Brew Flowers

Tram10 · 04/01/2017 10:33

I am so sorry, it sounds utterly draining.

There could also be a medical reason for the rage that you feel, which has nothing to do with being unable to cope or MH issues, especially that you mention feeling shaky and in tears, please see your Dr. and ask for a full medical work up specifically your thyroid hormones.

Original poster
PullThePebble · 04/01/2017 10:36

Hello everyone, just wanted to update that I have a gp appointment at 3.30pm.

Dp is coming with my and dm is watching the dc's.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 04/01/2017 10:39

That is great OP, well done. You are so brave. Good luck.

Dawndonnaagain · 04/01/2017 10:41

Well done, Pull, that can't have been easy to organise. So pleased you are getting RL help.

SparkleSoiree · 04/01/2017 11:33

Glad to see you have an appointment for today and that DH is going with you Pull, I hope this is the start of things improving for you.

Hang in there. You're a good mum because not only do you love your child but you saw a problem and you're taking action. You're in control.

Flowers
CaraAspen · 04/01/2017 11:34

Thanks for the update, OP. It will help to have the professionals involved.

Katy07 · 04/01/2017 11:45

Great stuff OP - really glad that your DH is going too, sounds like he's got with the plot & that'll make a big difference going forward.

UnbornMortificado · 04/01/2017 12:12

Oh I'm pleased you've got an appointment.

If the GP decides to try a different AD it's worth remembering they don't all have the same side effects and can affect different people in different ways.

Most parents struggle sometimes even if they aren't open about it. 3 year olds can be a bloody nightmare to start off with even before taking the SEN into account.

Hope the appointment goes well and your very brave asking for help Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 04/01/2017 12:24

That is fantastic op, really pleased for you.

Miserylovescompany2 · 04/01/2017 12:30

Good luck OP. I'm pleased you got yourself an appointment for today. Your partner going along should give you a little moral support.

You might want to see what antidepressents are best suited to ASD conditions. Some are more successful than others. Prozac seems to be the most tested? I guess it's just trial and error finding the one the works for you. Don't be put off because one hasn't worked.

NoFucksImAQueen · 04/01/2017 12:41

Arghhhh dan people like you make me so cross. It's attitudes like yours that are the reason people are so afraid to seek help.
I was in a pit of depression before I asked for help and I should have asked sooner but I was so scared of admitting I couldn't cope and I was terrified I'd ask for help from someone who turned out to be a judgmental prick like you.
Luckily they weren't, none of them and they helped me to get better.
Please think before you open your mouth, you could stop someone who really needs it coming forward with your attitude and surely it's better they come forward for help than try to cope alone and fail

NoFucksImAQueen · 04/01/2017 12:42

Sorry op went off on a rant there. Iv been where you are, Iv felt the awful anger and rage. Please know that you can come out the other side Flowers

Peanutandphoenix · 04/01/2017 12:54

Op go to your HV they will be able to put you in touch with people who will give you some help with dd or speak to ss they can give you some help as well. Also make sure you dp gives you some help at bedtime because you need it and it can't all be left down to you to deal with. Good luck OP I really hope you get the help that you need.

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