To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

[PullThePebble]

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

I see someone posted abt no bath. We also skipped bath every night before bed for years as it was too stimulating or too upsetting when dd went through a stage of fear/aversion of water. She hated going to sleep badly enough without the extra "stress".

? I'm a long standing poster?

Pull as I said before you are at your lowest and do need some help.AD's aren't an instant fix & no they won't make the problem go away but they will give you a more sorted head to deal with them.

Pushing a child away from you who.is currently attacking you isn't child abuse btw. She didn't harm the child - she was trying to get her off her! The child laughed. She didn't fall or knock into anything or get hurt in any way. It may not have been the ideal way to deal with it but I think the op is making more of it because of how she felt. In a society where parents are allowed to actually smack their kids I doubt ss would be interested in punishing the op for pushing a child off who was attacking her. I would hope they would offer some support.

You're not alone and you're not an awful mum; you're human and at the end of your tether. You were strong enough to step away and come on here for support so you are a good mum.

My DC has ASD and is very wilful, stubborn and oppositional. Aged around 12 my DC went through a phase of thumping me and locking me in rooms and I did snap and hit back once. I felt awful straight afterwards and apologised, but I was just so angry/frustrated at the time. Not just with dc and the situation, but with life for giving me such a difficult child. The only good thing that came out of it is that it stopped the violence as I think it shocked dc so much. I also threatened to go to the police if it ever happened again as I realised it was out of control and I was becoming scared of my child.

When young, dc never slept during the day and woke constantly at night, so I never had more than a few hours sleep. So I was starting from a bad point anyway as I was so sleep deprived. The (what felt like) constant screaming used to grate on my nerves and it would get to the point where I'd want to actually chuck dc out of the window as I'd be wound so tight. At these moments, I'd place dc carefully into cot, and I'd shut the door, go downstairs and have a cuppa. The monitor would be on low so I could still hear what was going on, but not loud enough to stop me relaxing. I'd allow myself to calm down and would go back in a better frame of mind 15 minutes or so later.

You need to do whatever works in order to keep in control of these feelings. I still need time away from my DC, several times a year I go away by myself (just overnight, but it really helps as I don't even call them during this time) and when dc is going off on one I will often either send them to their room or lock myself in mine with a cuppa until we both relax. I also have ASD and, unfortunately, a lot of the things dc does are things I really struggle to cope with.

Ask your GP if you can try a different AD. Not all of them will suit you and it can take trying a few before you find one that does work. For me it was the 3rd choice that worked. One gave me awful headaches and the other made me feel suicidal. I was then on a hepful one for about a year and a half (took about 7 weeks before I felt any better) before coming off of them slowly.

dan what's the point engaging any further if that's your attitude? I was merely pointing out that a PP isn't a goady fucker as there seem to be plenty lately.I don't know nor do I care how long anyone has been on MN for it's a public forum.Everybody is entitled to their opinions but as I said maybe this isn't the thread for you.It's a taboo subject but personally I and many others can empathise with OP.

Sorry Pull don't want the thread derailed for you.Lots of support here,keep going & stay strong.

I don't think you can leave your ASD out of this when you speak to the GP tomorrow. It's too much to expect an NT reaction to extreme stress from you. In the short term it may be worth exploring something like beta blockers rather than antidepressants for you. Your anxiety is provoked and you are struggling to control the very urges your dd is displaying. Does that make sense?
If you can get a quick anxiety fix when it's building it may help. They take effect very quickly to lower your heart rate etc. I have them for panic attacks (likely ASD myself). My dd has HFA and doesn't sleep without melatonin. Fortunately she isn't physical in her anxieties.

dan I am so glad the op has ignored you throughout the thread. You really are a nasty piece of work.

Go to bed.

Hi, Pebble. I'm in a similar situation to you - my daughter is older at 15 and has severe autism. She's tall now and can knock me off my feet. I also have Aspergers so I can understand the kind of position you find yourself in.

its incredibly hard, incredibly tough dealing with a child who has challenging behaviours. Nobody can truly understand unless they live it every day. My daughter's behaviours usually stem from anxiety.

Recently I went to a course called 'Building relationships with those in emotional distress' I would highly recommend it. The company is called De Escal8. You are taught practical skills of how to get out of a dangerous situation without damaging your relationship with your child. It's so normal to feel at breaking point - it really is. Pm me if you think it could help.

I know how you feel OP (I've been there and it took a lot of strength to not act on it!). My son is 3.4 and has ASC, he is also pre-verbal. 'Bedtime' for us started at 19:30 and finished about 10 minutes ago. I've been bitten, scratched, smacked. He's tipped over furniture, thrown things and screamed. I've not eaten, washed, spoken to my DH or had any downtime. This is what happens every single night. I defy anyone to deal with that day in day out and not experience any dark thoughts. The difference in our situations? Support network. My DH does his share of bedtimes. And my DParents take him for the odd night. I have been trying to access help for my DS, he is exhausted but his mind won't let him switch off, its frightening to watch tbh. I'm glad you are seeking help from your GP and your DP is going to start taking his share. I have a feeling your GP will have heard your story more than once.

Me too, Original. I've just managed to extract myself from the bedroom. My dd won't go to sleep unless I let her lie on my shoulder and rock the bed with my foot! She asks to go to bed at 8pm and I've been doing this until about 30 minutes ago. She has to get up multiple times to change clothes, do her washing rituals etc. And now I'm actually overtired!

As I say, it's impossible for some people to understand.

To get respite, it can help to involve your MP.

Feel so bad for you- going through similar with ds, want to rip out my hair at the futility of it, same pattern every night :( you are not alone, you are not a horrible mother and you could do with support- plus, a visit back to the docs to see if there is a different medication you could try, slip in that your looking for support regarding dd and ask to be pointed in the right direction- good luck x

Since you asked in AIBU, I'm going to answer that question: YABU.

My experience? Being a child whose father pushed and pulled her aggressively: something which people on this thread have described as "fine". Yes, it's better than slamming your child against the wall. But it's not fine. Hurting a child is never fine.

WyfofBath - I'm sorry your father was abusive but you try living with a child who constantly hits, kicks you and pulls your hair out. Car journeys for us are impossible at the moment. The op loves her child but she's frustrated and exhausted. You would be too.

Everyone know OP is technically BU. Hell even OP knows,which is why she's asking for help and support,and posted on AIBU for traffic and quick responses to an awful situation. Not because she's debating whether is reasonable or not to hurt her child.

The moment you say you pushed your child it becomes a safe guarding issue. Your child is their primary concern - not you. It will go on your notes. It could be linked to your child's notes. It could raise suspicions if your child was to have need of any further medical help which is in fact innocent. YOU could be assessed to see if you are a danger to your child.

Be honest op but like I said before choose your words very wisely. I've seen this get out of hand very quickly. Your GP isn't your best friend when they think one of your kids are at risk.

My friend had a terrible time trying to convince (she did in the end) the authorities that her child was safe after a miss judged comment.

Echoed. What a deeply unpleasant array of posts from that person.

Pull

I've already mentioned this today but DD2 has conjunctivitis. This had led to absolute hell on administering the eyedrops.

This is the first meltdown I've ever witnessed. How parents cope with them on a regular basis is beyond me.

I spent an hour crying in the bath and she's only been on them two bloody days.

Other posters with proper experience have (mostly) give you excellent advice. I just added this to say you and anyone else dealing with this regularly are amazing

Sorry I've used the term meltdown again and I really don't know if it's correct to use with no SN.

Really didn't mean to offend anyone but it's the only word I could think off to describe it

I think you are getting some very good advice OP. I dont have a child with any additional needs so i cant offer advice on that but i just wanted to say that i think you are incredibly brave in coming on here and asking for help. Its a sign of strength that you can talk through this and have not acted on it. Its a horrific thing to want to hurt your child and must have been so hard for you to say but its not only helpful to you to talk thru this but it must be for all of the other women who go through this who may read this thread. Admitting the way you feel and that you need some help is very brave and i see that you have shown your husband this thread and now he understands too and is going to try and help you more.

No-one s saying it's fine. Just that using minimum force to remove a child from you who is biting and pulling out fistfuls of hair is a long way from abuse.