To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

[PullThePebble]

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

NoFucks it's quite common for mothers with depression not getting help. It's such a shame I'm sorry you felt like that.

Fantastic to hear...rooting for you both this afternoon.

OP, I feel the same sometimes. My 3 year old can be very difficult at the best of times and she knows exactly what buttons to press of mine, which includes hitting.

I'm ashamed to say that I often lose my cool with her and have screamed at her in frustration.

Please don't feel you are a bad mother. All of us having a breaking point

Haven't RTFT (only on pg6) but wanted to ask you Pull, what is in your dd bedroom?

My dd is 7 (well will be on friday) but when she was 3 she was fucking nightmare. I love to girl more than my own life but jesus christ there was times I just wanted fight back. I have multiple scars from where she has bitten me, broken teeth from when she has hit me full force in the face with toys.

I could go on for hours about the daily beatings, and make no mistake that is exactly what they were; her strenght while in meltdown mode would rivial that of a WWE Pro ffs.

It didn't help that I'm on the spectrum myself. You are no way a monster and def not alone. All i see from your posts is a mother who loves her child so desperatly she just wants to be able to help her but you're at breaking point.

I ran away when i got to that stage. Literally ran away. Rang my dad up (i was a single parent at the time) told him i needed a loan of money and needed him to stay in my house for a few days because I was going to snap.

Anyway sorry didnt mean to go off on such a tangent or for such a long post. The reason I asked about the bedroom was because dd was the exact same as yours at bedtime.

I emptied everything out of her room, aside from the bed and redocrated it so that it was plain, but in her favorite colours.

This helped calm her massivly at bedtime as her spd was having a field day at bedtime.

I also started using visual charts/timetables to help make her routine more of a tangible physical thing that she could touch and see, not just be told about.

Things being more concrete for her instead of an abstract concept made it easier for her to understand.

Also weighted blankets. Somewhat costly but soooo worth every penny. They give the deep pressure my dd needed at night time wirhout the over stimulation she was getting from cuddles/hugs etc.

Dd now goes to bed at 6pm with a lullaby and cuddles all done in under 10 mins. Sge still doesnt sleep straight away mind you but is happy going to bed.
I really hope your gp can help you find some meds that suit you.

Oh meant to say I did come home after 3 days btw. I just needed the break to sleep and recharge my own batteries.

Also sorry for the typos, i'm on strong pain meds and the buttons are tiny and my fingers not so much.

Thank you unborn.
It's not hard to see why with the attitude of some posters on this thread. I always make a point of talking about it when the opportunity arises. If my story makes just one mum go for help then it's worth it.
It wasn't until I hit rock bottom and admitted how I felt I found out just how many people I knew that had been through the same!

Pull, been thinking of you and wondered how appointment we t.

very, glad yoir dp is being supportive and you have support from your mum.
Xxxxx

How did it go with the gp? Really hope they were reassuring and able to help you.

Potnoodlewilld0
The moment you say you pushed your child it becomes a safe guarding issue

I'm pretty sure that's the point.

OP has candidly called out for the support she needs to ensure her child is safely guarded.

Unless you mean that she should stay silent in case SS swoop in like avenging angels?

OP, hope appt. was helpful. Keep reaching out for support. 🌷

Sorr

Sorry for the late update.

Doctor has prescribed some new anti-d's and pretty much repeated that I wasn't unusual.

She did say that my own aspergers meant that I might need more specialist support. She has sent a referral for me to see someone, though she said that may take a while.

I've been given a leaflet with some numbers on it for cbt I think and another check up appointment made.

Feeling a lot more positive. I haven't managed to get hold of DD's paed today but will try again tomorrow.

Dp took over this bedtime. I had a hot cjocolate and relaxed downstairs. We took a pp advice and loosened up the routine a lot, which seems to have helped.

Thank you all so so much for your help. Definitely starting to feel I can do this, and not be the monster I was scared I was turning in to iykwim.

Very well done. And well done to your DP as well for doing bedtime and giving you time to relax. I hope things improve 💐

Well done :) That sounds positive and good that DH has stepped up.
Hopefully last night was your lowest ebb and you'll get on top of things again.

Very pleased to read your update Pull. Be gentle on yourself over the coming days and weeks. We are always here if you need support.

Really well done! X

Aww it's great to hear you so positive about thing OP. Hope things turn out well for all of you,and you access yhe help you need x

I am currently doing respite care for my DGD, she is autistic. i do understand how you feel.

There are medications available to calm and help sleep for your DD. My DGD has several different drugs which have really helped her.

That's really positive news pull.

Thank you for updating. So glad you are feeling better.

Well done you!
Sometimes the hardest bit is the asking for help but your desire for things to improve is the motivation to keep going.
Champion (said a là Sarah Millican!).

Well done Pull, I am so glad the GP was understanding, and referred you for help and support. I am glad your partner has been very supportive too.

Well done you, well done your DH, well done the doctor. I like a happy ending

Pull pleased you got sorted. Don't forget if you have any problem going on the AD's there is medication to get you through the worst side effects.

A monster wouldn't of asked for helped

Pull "Definitely starting to feel I can do this, and not be the monster I was scared I was turning in to iykwim."

You can do this, I believe you can, you knew things were wrong and you took yourself out of situation and looked for help.This is really good, always make sure you are as much in touch with your own feelings as you can be, and remove yourself (making sure dd is safe) if things feel dangerous again, even remotely dangerous, for her or you.

Take the CBT, please, I had it for anxiety, it worked a treat. If it were not to work you could try something else. Kids push you, let them push you to know yourself better, improve, cope, move on, work together with your dp.

[hugs]