To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

[PullThePebble]

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

...bugger, pressed post too soon.
Pull, you really need to go back and ask for help with sleep. Melatonin could be an answer.
For your own sanity, get dp to do bedtimes on at least alternate nights so you get a break. (Plus, he'll get an idea of what it's really like.)
I would re-consider anti-depressants. Some do give unpleasant side-effects for a while, but do help in the long term.
It's a shit situation. I hope you find a solution.

I have no experience with anything like this.
But even I can see that your aren't a monster. You are in a really difficult situation. And you need help.

Nope definitely not unreasonable and not a sign of any mental illness or similar.

I am the happiest person you could meet but I used to look after my 5 year old nephew sometimes to give my brother a break. He made me so angry, tired and frustrated that I smacked him once and realised I couldn't ever look after him again.

Now he is in residential care. He requires 2 people at all times to look after him. He is the most challenging behaved child I've ever met and is almost like a wild animal.

I couldn't do it, I admire people like you OP who do so on a regular basis.

My nephew has autism and a moderate learning disability

You are not a horrible person. You are a person in crisis.

I agree with a pp's advice about ear defenders and another's about close hugging, both may be useful.

Your DP is going to have to step up and help deal with bed times as well, he doesn't get to be dismissive of you when he's not the one being attacked. That goes for the people who are attacking you on this thread, if you haven't done a mile in these shoes, then you can sit down and stfu.

I think an emergency appointment with your doctor tomorrow is in order. You need practical help as a matter of urgency, and ongoing support to help you to manage your DD's behaviour.

I can recommend the SN boards here, there are wise women who have been there, seen it and got the T shirt, and they are generous with their time and support.

I have three with an ASC. Adults now. One didn't go through the night until she was ten. Another slept on a cushion under the bed for years and another in his socks and hoody, no matter the weather!

I've been kicked, punched, bitten night after night after night after night.
Ex dh has a bit missing from the top of his ear where he was bitten.
Seriously Dan, I'm really trying to be nice here, go do some research before you judge. You may not like reading what has been written, but for that poor woman at the end of her tether, getting it out, saying it out loud, writing it down, here, in real time, we're a lifeline for her and her family. By being supportive and offering options and not judging, we're helping prevent her from taking that step too far. So, if you don't like it, don't read it, but don't report because it's upset you to read it, you're trying to remove a lifeline. As I've said before, learn and help, or hide the thread.

I do understand why some posters are upset and have reported this - talking about being violent to a child is upsetting. But I just want to say that I also see you asking for help with managing the FEELINGS, and that it's really clear that you want to avoid ever acting on them.

I can really relate to this in terms of often wanting to shout at my child. I really really make every effort not to raise my voice unnecessarily, and I think (and others tell me) I'm a good mum and a patient one, but sometimes my inner voices are impatient and unkind. But thankfully I am able to choose how I act and what I let out, and find other ways of expressing frustration. And it definitely sounds as if you have the capacity to do the same, have been doing it, and most importantly are asking for help in continuing to be the best parent you can be.

Good for you for asking for help, keep doing it and I really hope things look up for you at what must be a very stressful and upsetting time.

To all those being condemnatory.... How much is it drummed into us when we're new parents that we may well feel like we think we could shake an endlessly crying baby - but that we are NOT bad people - we just need to walk away? Because we're at our human limit of endurance?

Personally not been there (yet) - but come close ... And thank god DP and DM were kind and understanding.

OP - if you had hurt your DD and given it no thought after - you would be a bad person. The very fact you're here worrying about something you haven't even done, is something positive to hold on to. It speaks volumes about your love and care for your child- and the amount you've been/ are going through.

Get some support- but don't beat yourself up. You sound like you're doing your absolute best.

All I can say is that the fact you haven't done it and have come to vent on here instead shows what a good mother you are

This and hang on in there you
Will get good advice here

PullThePebble you are not a monster, you are just under huge strain.

I am still reading through your thread but wanted to say I am so sorry for you, this sounds very hard. I am only on page one!

Please call your GP surgery and say it is an emergency and you need to see them, do it as soon as you are able to. I don't know if this is covered by out of hours but certainly by tomorrow morning. You do not need to tell the receptionist too much unless you wish to, hopefully, they will just get you an emergency appointment if you say it is an emergency.

Can you also talk to someone like Samaritans if you need a listening ear?

Sorry if this has already been suggested.

www.samaritans.org/

CALL US
116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)

They say "Whatever you're going through, call us free any time, from any phone on 116 123."

"We're here round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you need a response immediately, it's best to call us on the phone. This number is FREE to call. You don't have to be suicidal to call us."

and

EMAIL US
[email protected]

VISIT US
Find your local Samaritans branch.

WRITE TO US
Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA

Anyway. I am not an expert so feel free to ignore me but:

Can you find some way to pad the stair gate safely so she cannot bang her head on it? Just make sure what you pad around it is safe to do so, e.g. not plastic.

Can you make her room as safe as possible, no sharp sides - like if there is a low table or low down lamp etc, take them out, in case she gets in a rage and hurts herself.

Maybe she feels as scared as you do and her way of keeping you there is to exert whatever pressure she feels under.

Can you calm her with some music, nothing too exciting or loud, soft lullaby music is available on the internet.

Please make a promise to yourself you will not hurt her in any way, and if you feel the urge to hurt her in any way, you will put her safely into her room and walk to another room and try and find some peace.

She may hurt herself by banging her head, of course, but if you cannot stop her and you are worried that you may hurt her, then you will probably be safer removing yourself from the situation for at least a few minutes, if not longer.

Can you explain this to your partner, that you will not hurt her but you feel like doing it, there is a difference.

Only you know that difference. If you really feel you are capable of hurting her you must remove yourself from her company and seek an urgent solution. Only you know what is really going on in your head.

Lastly, your partner sounds very unsupportive and this may be a big part of the problem, once things are calmer can you talk to him about improving things for all your sakes. You can post about that and people may have lots of ideas, including counselling, relate etc.

I am only at the end of page one so my post is in relation to that page only!

OP, if your DP thinks you sound dangerous, I take it he has volunteered to take over all child-related duties for the time being so you can get the space you need. Right?

Sorry I missed your comment about speaking to your gp already and taking anti depressants. Well done for asking them for help. I think an emergency appointment tomorrow is a really good idea. Perhaps there is an alternative medication they can prescribe with fewer side effects? At the very least your gp should be able to start the process of finding other support systems for you and perhaps a counsellor. Really feel for you and hope you are able to find a way to move on from this, and feel happy again.

Dd is on melatonin tablets already, she has never slept well. We have a long routine at bedtime that seemed to help dd for a little while.

I will give her pead a call too.

Thank you for the suggestions of the safe space bed and gro clock, I will be looking in to those.

So has agreed to take bedtimes. I'm a bit concerned about changing her routine this suddenly but it's definitely for the best until I've seen someone.

Thank you so much for making me feel a bit more human. I'll never dismiss what I did, I shoved her, I promise you can't be as appalled as I am at myself.

I've had a massive cry and talking things through on here and reading your posts feels like it's releasing some of the pressure.

Pull
It does get better.

Please be kind to yourself OP. Make that appointment for tomorrow and be honest with the GP. We all have our breaking points. You've taken a step back and realised that you've reached yours. There is no shame in that, it takes a very brave person to admit how they are really feeling.

I hope tomorrow brings a fresh prospective and people start putting things in place to give you some much needed respite. You and your family deserve to live and not just exist.

Your health visitor should be putting things in place also.

Rixera I am so sorry. Your post makes me want to cry, thank you for sharing.

Pebble I have sometimes wanted to smack/hurt my kids, especially when they are violent or aggressive, they are both quite emotional and sometimes that can flare as anger.

It does (and has) got better, and I have learnt ways to cope with them, and they have learnt ways to control their anger. My dd has autistic tendencies and my son is adopted. But I also love them dearly, it is just that their aggression can sometimes make that love harder to feel.

"Do you think I should make an emergency appointment tomorrow or wait until Monday?" TOMORROW. You need to do everything you can to make sure your dd will be safe with you, and that you will be safe.

Wanting to hurt your child is normal. (Doing it isn't. Shoving is fine.) You poor, poor thing, we are all with you.

The worst thing is that an entirely natural reaction to pressure has frightened you - you aren't weird or nasty, you're just normal. But you're in a jam that no one could breeze through, and you need help. The help you need is managing DDs behaviour, not yours, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Can you and DP Bedtime as a joint effort? Or do alternate nights?

When my twins were three my daughter would never go to sleep at "bedtime" and became hysterical, and incredibly demanding. I didn't behave well, and I felt extremely angry with her, holding door shut, shouting at her to go to sleep. I just felt cheated of what should have been a textbook bedtime (and had been for so long)

Would it help to think of a 3 year old as going through a developmental change, where what once made sense to them...familiar bed, familiar routine, tiredness leading to restful sleep, becomes a tissue of contradictions. They are tired yes, but they cannot process their emotions anymore, and they are old enough to know that they want to stay up and to stay with YOU. They are not old enough to be reasonable though. Their minds are no longer wired to do exactly what you say or to be reasonable but an unfortunate stage in between where they are neither dependent on you or independent of you.

So, I've said all that, because once I realised that actually dd was not just out to get me, but someone with all these contradictory needs that I threw the textbook bedtime out of the window and thought how to meet her needs.

I got into bed with her. I told her a story that I made up myself. It went on and on. I cuddled her. The story was instalments and each night was another instalment, all nonsense really but dd loved it, and would remind me of various bits I had completely forgotten three or four nights before It was a girl in a magic kingdom. A enchanted talking frog. An old house with many rooms. Tunnels. Sometimes I fell asleep in the bed with her (we had a queensize bed for her) till 9pm.

So, not textbook, but it worked. In the end she used to drift off to sleep much more happily when I didn't cuddle her to sleep, but I think I cuddled her to sleep for a year.

I wish I had tried it earlier, when she was 3, and I got so angry. I only discovered this solution when she was 5.

Textbook bedtimes don't exist in a lot of families. It is easy to think that everyone else's children go to bed, but in a lot of houses they don't, and at three are up and down like yo-yos, leading to tension and terrible conflicts.

Whatever works best for children who are highly sensitive. Sometimes that isn't reward charts or firm hand or determination that they follow a pattern or routine, but just surrendering a bit. Like you I have Asperger's undiagnosed and a child with autism (although that child was not dd) I think we are much more sensitive to tiredness and stress, let alone the strain of having children with additional needs, but empathy made such a big difference to my perception of dd - it was almost like I started giving myself some slack too.

Pull, I get where you're coming from too, no judgements here.
Ommmward's post further up was very helpful, about looking after yourself.
I'm a wreck without earplugs and making sure I have some time alone to wind down.
Ask your dp to do bedtime for a while, whether she cries for you or not, she will get used to it, and knowing that she'll settle for someone else might make you feel a little more in control

If melatonin doesn't help - have you tried liquid, or just tablets - only because friend who used safe space found liquid better than tablets for the initial getting to sleep. Ds has liquid but it has to be given at just the right time and until last month (he is 6 and a half) he would only fall asleep downstairs (before this he would only fall asleep being taken for walks that would take hours in his buggy).

Honestly sometimes it feels like you have fallen down the rabbit hole, but you are not alone down there.

I have a NT daughter who I once shoved so hard I pushed her over. She was three. She was a very challenging child but of course I was 100% in the wrong and it was an awful thing to do. She didn't sleep well at night and had dozens of tantrums a day and I was at the end of my tether. What you are dealing with is far more extreme and more relentless. Of course you feel at breaking point. Please take some of the fantastic advice you're being given

Been here you have my sympathy I had to move my child away from me with my hands open I didn't trust myself to hold his arm I thought I would hurt him I clenched myself so tight I pulled a muscle I was controlling my movements so I did not hurt him and all the time he is hurting me I ended up shutting myself away till I calmed down it is awful

Luciferthethird please seek some help too, it is always better to seek help, things can be transformed.

gamerchick that sounds so hard. Just curious but have you explored ADHD and medication for that, in future others may find it harder to deal with him than you do, I know you cope because you love him but if he is like this at 9, who knows what will happen. My dd has got very angry in the past but was quite small and slight (not so much now at 12) so it was not so dangerous, this sounds so hard for you. xx

danTDM the problem with the critical posts from take are that they do not offer any help./ The OP is distraught and upset and angry and to be shamed for her feelings is likely to make her less inclined to communicate and seek help, not more!

Someone said OP, about "while you have a glass of wine?" Please do not add alcohol into the mix, I really hope you can relax and calm down without it, sorry to sound all Little House on the Praire but hot chocolate, nice coffee or tea, a fizzy cola. But not alcohol, please.

But 'In the Night Garden' sounds safe!

Great post ommmward.

Big hugs. Two of mine have asd and the youngest is nearly four. She's non verbal and to be honest it's very hard. I find it hard not to scream and shout at her. I know it isn't her fault but it's so frustrating and difficult.