To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

[PullThePebble]

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

Try different tablets, it'll take a few goes until you find the ones that suit your body. Once you find some that work you'll feel a lot better.

My dd doesn't have any sen but she is a horrific sleeper and is a pita at bedtimes so I completely understand that feeling of never having a moment to yourself.

What is it your dd wants from you at bedtime? Is it for you to lay with her?

You need some outside support. Ask your pediatrician if there are any support groups local to you. They're a ruddy godsend.

I feel your agony. Mine gets violent sometimes and he's a big boy for 9. He once crippled me for a couple of days when I turned my back at the wrong moment and he punched me in the spine. Christmas Day he twatted me full force in the face. I had to physically count to stop me chucking his presents in the bin and making things worse. I understand.

Your bloke does bedtimes for the minute, he should be offering anyway, not condemning you. That won't help

I totally agree with take and you should STOP criticising her response to this worrying post.

OP, see someone.

and your experience is, danTDM?

*take I'm sure the Op is going to seek real life help, but right now at this moment what do you suggest she does? Venting on here is a release valve.

Many mothers feel rage at much less. I remember feeling angry when my kids were colicky and cried endlessly but at least I was able to put them down somewhere safe when they're that little. No doubt a playpen or similar would be too flimsy for a 3 yr old and they'd tip it. Definitely look in to those special needs helmets op. If you are being attacked as frequently as it sounds you need to be able to retreat for your own mental health. And your partner might change his tune when it is him having to deal with it rather than strolling up criticising from downstairs.

danTDM: You agree with take that what? Obviously the post is worrying.

Take when you have child with ASD, who won't sleep when you are exhausted after years of this, with an unsupportive DP, you are qualified to comment. Until you have the triad, please don't.

OP, it's OK as long as you Don't act on it. Every parent feels like this at some point, some later than others. Get in touch with the National Autistic Society here and they can help you to cope and bloody well get your DP and family on the courses as well. And good luck, hugs, and it does get better.

I've rarely had those feelings about my dcs and it is about a loss of control and feeling very angry about it. Bedtime was a particular trigger.
I knew it was a sign that mentally I was not well and I needed to take better care of myself - so I carved out my own time e.g. Running and exercise. Which I need to do for my mental health.

What is your bedtime routine like? Can you introduce sticker charts to help your dd? What about audio books - will she lie down to listen to a story with you in the hallway? For me just escaping the room was enough to help as I hated feeling I was trapped at bedtime.

I never shared my feelings with my DH because I knew that if the roles were reversed, I would be a little scared because there was a tiny part of me who thought "what if I did snap?".

Can I ask what the anti depressants were? Starting and stopping things like citalopram suddenly, especially if you were suffering side effects, coulkd be making these feelings towards your ds worse.

Could you talk to your gp about different anti depressants and some counselling to give you space to process all the stuff going on?

How is your dd sleepwise? How long does it take for her to get to sleep/stay asleep? What sort of routine is she in? Does she have a paediatrician you could discuss sleep problems with?

I think you need to look at support for your ds, and for you - nursery/preschool, portage, local ASD or special needs support. Learning disability nurses can help with strategies for extreme behaviours. Respite is hard to get, but you could investigate.

Post on the sn boards here - there are some fantastically supportive posters, who have a raft of experience.

If this is potentially a long term problem, there arevthings called safe space beds, they are expensive, but I have a friend who received a grant from cerebra for one. www.safespaces.co.uk/safespace/. w3.cerebra.org.uk - cerebra also have a section and support group for sleep issues affecting children with neurodevelopmental disorders - so worth looking at.

Some anti depressants can make you feel very sick for a while. But once I found the right one it made a huge difference to how I cope with, and regulate my emotions.

It sounds like you're having a really shitty time, and don't have any support? Have you looked into support groups for parents of children with autism/asd?

and more for you. You're doing your absolute best, and asking for help is ok.

So sorry you're going through this OP. My DS was very similar at that age (also ASD diagnosis). He's an adult now and so much has changed -more than I could have imagined when he was going through violent and destructive periods when he was little. I know how hopeless it can feel and how out of control things can seem. I don't have any magic solutions but please try to take a deep breath, remember that you are doing a really hard parenting job and have faith that this will pass. Try to get some support - the National Autistic Society are fabulous and can give telephone support and let you know of support groups etc that are in your area. They understand and won't judge you. You could also try ringing social services. You are entitled to an assessment to see if you could access any help like respite.
You really aren't alone in feeling so bleak but it doesn't have to stay like this xx

I've wanted to hurt mine and they don't have SN! (Well, not sure about DD yet actually). I grew up with parents who shouted and slapped and that's what's in my nature to do. I have felt pure rage toward my children and yes I have wanted to hurt them.

But I haven't. And that's the thing.

Also when something is hurting you it is animal nature to smack at it, snap at it, get away from it. You're not a monster, you're an exhausted human being. See your GP and tell your partner you're switching off doing bedtime.

It is nothing to do with you dawndonna and not the point. I think this should not be in AIBU as it CLEARY is unreasonable. It should be somewhere else.

My father was a psychiatrist.

He always said 'You are not a monster for what you want to do, you are only a monster if you actually do it'.

You are in a really tough situation. I think your dp needs to step in and help with bedtimes, you need a break.

Don't be too tough on yourself, you are a human being with needs too, and when these have to take a back seat for too long it is normal to feel anger and bitterness.

You're crying for help, you're not horrible. We're all here for you.

Loads will disagree, but do you have to 'do bedtime'? Some kids just don't get it. Would it be the end of the world to let her watch the night garden or something on a tablet while you have a glass of wine? you might be getting much more stressed because you feel it's meant to happen a certain way. maybe it won't. Maybe ignoring 'bedtime' for a bit might work better.

take & Dan the op is seeking help from her gp. She's said that already, she has also said she has nobody in real life to offload to, if it helps her by offloading on here then let her.

She hasn't hurt her child and she isn't going to, otherwise she wouldn't be seeking help. She knows it's not a normal way to feel, she just wants some support on how to feel better.

It's not worrying. It's a parent struggling in a very hard situation which is exactly what mumsnet was created for, to get support through dark times.

A bit of control you can take right away is not to have the time a total nightmare for you. If she insists on you reading aloud, read an adult book you like. Or play music that you like. Wear perfume that you like. Then you are not quite so submerged in out of control negativity.

Of course, get help too.

And know you are not alone.

dan you are being unsupportive on a thread where somebody is asking for help. Those of us (and there are quite a few) with experience of dc with an ASC are trying to be supportive. Unless you want to back up your statements then I suggest you don't judge. It has as much to do with me, as a poster on the thread, as it does you or anybody else. Stop judging and help or bugger off.

OK, here's what I can advise. Take whatever's useful from it:

1. Look after your own sensory issues. You may well need ear defenders if your child is crying. You'll be able to help her much better if you are not on the verge of meltdown yourself. Make sure you are physically comfortable in all possible ways before doing bedtime - temperature, comfort of clothing, go to the loo, eat, drink etc.

1. As an autistic person, look after your own lack of theory of mind (I say this lovingly!) You are a radio antenna tuned to the emotions of others, and it's NOT like it is for NT people, because part of your neurology is that you cannot easily differentiate between what are your emotions and what are someone else's emotions. And your child has the same challenge. So the two of you will be spiralling your collective emotions out of control. It's no wonder both of you are going into meltdown.

I'd say mindfulness training as a priority (for the mother). 8 minute meditation is a brilliant book. Cheesy with a side order of cheddar, but it teaches you to meditate in a really non-woo manner, and that will help you to detach and observe the heightened emotions. And in the meantime, watch your child's emotions and watch yours as much as you can, and verbalise what's happening "you sound so unhappy! Wow, that emotion is really catching". Just that may help you to realise what's happening.

1. Your child may find falling asleep to be very frightening. If she has impaired proprioception anyway, then the falling sensation of going to sleep is probably terrifying. Take that possibility seriously. Try a hammock, rocking her, swaddling her, singing to her as long as you can, dimmed lights rather than full dark - experiment. you have an aspie mind - that gives you analytical superpowers. Use them to work out what is so frightening to your child about bedtime.

1. try to get a melatonin prescription for your daughter, or buy some on the internet from the USA (yeah yeah yeah I know). If she under produces melatonin, then you can be the world's most patient mother and she still won't fall asleep until 2am. Giving someone a very small dose of melatonin every couple of days actually helps to boost their own natural melatonin production.

that's all I can think of for now. hang in there

dawn am I being reasonable to want to hurt my child? is not fine by me.

MY opinion. I am answering the post. Nothing more, nothing less.

The OP needs help.
It is NOT your business where I get my opinion from.

You are not horrible, you just need help. Your DP should definitely be more supportive. I have a son with autism and adhd. I have been a single parent since he was 4 months old. I moved back in with my parents for 2 years because I couldn't cope alone, I was exhausted, depressed and at the end of my tether. I recognise the feelings you are having so well, i knew i had to do something because i, like you, was at breaking point and i knew that if I didn't do anything i was going to snap badly. Please go back to the doctor, if the original tablets weren't suitable they can try something else. It will get better but you need a break

I doubt you will find one person in this world who wouldn't want to hit back after being repeatedly attacked. Just because you thought it, doesn't mean it will happen. In fact, thinking it and then being horrified by the thought shows that you are able to stop yourself.

I've had the thought multiple times. I told DS's paediatrician once during a really bad period and how awful I felt for feeling that way. She was lovely, said it's a perfectly natural reaction. I was being hurt, actually being caused physical pain and I couldn't do anything about it. She stressed that the single most important thing I could do was walk away. Make sure DS was safe and go have a tea or scream in to a pillow.

You are not awful.