To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

[PullThePebble]

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

Have a chat with gold paed. Melatonin might work wonders. I'm lucky in don't have bedtime issues but friends boy is a terror. She has very specific routine of melatonin then they snuggle in his bed and watch a dvd until he falls asleep - reading to him makes him twitchy. It has to be at a specific time too or it doesn't work. Now unfortunately she's been stuck watching same dvd for a year

Get an emergency appointment if you can. Your feelings need addressing as soon as possible and if you can see someone before Monday, that would be gresf.

Gold=child

I found it very helpful to use a safe form of physical restraint when my ds (also autistic) was attacking me every day. I felt what you were feeling. I'd sit cross legged in the floor. Then I used to sit him on my lap with his back to my tummy, cross his arms in front of his tummy, holding his left hand with my right hand and his right hand with my left hand. Firm grip on the wrist, but keeping his arms loose so he can still wriggle and breathe easy but not hit or headbutt. You could also swaddle with a full size bed sheet. I would hold him so the attack would stop, and take deep breaths to calm myself. It gave me that space and time to just. make. it. stop. until I could carry on again.

I hear you. Please call your local children's learning disability team tomorrow and ask for an urgent referral. You will need support in finding ways to manage this behaviour and you also need respite.

This does not make you a bad parent. We all have a breaking point. All of us. We are human.

Please seek help.

Pull I'd go for the emergency appointment and I'd suggest writing down all the issues you are battling with and the issues you had with the Anti Ds. That way if you can't get choked or just cry through the whole appointment (that was me) you can just hand the Dr a piece of paper.

dan, I didn't ask from whence your opinion came (obviously your arse), I asked about your experience.

I feel so much sympathy for you after reading this. My dd is also 3.5 and recently began the ASD pathway ( already have 2 boys ASD) and her bedtimes were the same. She would become like a wild creature, displaying behaviour I was horrified at.

Recently she's calmed down and I think lots of that is down to a change in my approach. Often at bedtime we just want to get them into bed and leave etc ASAP because we are exhausted ourselves.

I decided t didn't matter how long it took, bedtime was going to be a calm time - 4hrs calm is better than 4hrs torture for me and her! We also bought a grow clock despite me being very sceptical.

Over a week or two we have managed to turn bedtimes from an ordeal Into chat / story / song / gro clock and sleep. It's honestly like she's a different child.

Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss anything or even a vent

Well that's useful Dan I think everyone including the op knows she needs help. Have you any to offer or are you just here to point out the obvious?

Gosh I can only imagine how difficult it must be living with a severely autistic child. I really feel for you and commend your honesty by not diluting the way you felt in the moment. Children bring such joy and happiness to our lives, but with the best will in the world, we all get pushed to our limits and sometimes feel like we might lose it with them. The point is you didn't hurt your child, despite feeling deeply frustrated. But whilst I genuinely think you have done the right thing in sharing this, you must get some help. Is there a charity or support group you can contact? I think you are at the end of your tether and you must not let things get any worse. Is it possible to go away for a few days to have a break? Or can your partner help with settling your child in the evening, so you share the responsibility? You must take immediate action. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. But you are no use to anyone if you are secretly falling apart.

dan, I didn't ask from whence your opinion came (obviously your arse), I asked about your experience

Kind of wondering that myself.

I have had exactly the same feelings as you.
DS is NT but woke every hour until he was 2.5 years, I was a single parent and working full time. I was so tired I started hallucinating. He was so aggressive towards me and impossible to calm. I was at breaking point many times. I used to cry all night.

The only thing that helped me was leaving him to it and going to sit in the garden with a cup of tea with headphones in. Only for about 20 minutes but it helped massively.

Could you get her a helmet and leave her too it for a while? One of those soft thud buddy ones. Take everything dangerous out of her room and get a high baby gate? And get yourself some ear defenders.

So sorry op

This.. I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone

... is normal, YANBU and I I am in the wrong, along with one other poster*.

Reported, this is truly, truly upsetting.

DP should do bedtimes. I know you said your daughter cries for you, but clearly you need some support here, and for the burden of her difficult bedtimes to be shared more equally. In the long run it may help her (and you!) to adjust to bedtimes with either parent.

Well yanno you can always hide the thread dan

No, dan, you obviously know very little about ASCs. It's your attitude that is truly upsetting. I would suggest you research before you judge. People who talk, rarely act, hence better out her than in rl. Go learn some stuff before judging.

Is it normal to feel that when you are beaten up daily with no escape and no help from anyone. I don't know as I've never been in that situation. Have you Dan?

Dan, you have no idea what it's like unless you have been in the situation, so stop now.

I actually admire your honesty, OP.

I can only echo the sentiments of other posters

And exactly how do you think your posts are helping the child Dan. Do you think that the op will read them and decide to take the beatings in her stride from now on? Or do you think suggesting strategies and signposting organisations that can help might be better?

Contact the national autistic society and or mencap as they both have family suppirt workers. Find out from your LEA which organisation runs the autism support services for your council. Contact them urgently. Does your dd go to a mainstream nursery? Try and get her into a SEN nursery, it will make a massive difference to her being in a specialist setting.

www.autism.org.uk/services.aspx