To sometimes really want to hurt dd.

[PullThePebble]

I feel like a fucking monster.

This is the second time I've snapped at bedtime. Dd is 3 and has been diagnosed with autism.

Bedtime has always been a huge struggle. Screaming, pulling hair, biting, pinching. And if I remove myself from the room she bangs get head so hard against the stair gate/walls that she bruises herself and I'm scared she'd hurt herself.

So I'm stuck in there.

And it's almost instant. I go from calmly doing what I always do to instant rage.

Part of it is I just want to stop being hurt. The other is the cycle of doing this every night and I just want a few fucking hours to myself. I feel like she's keeping me from having that.

I want to hit her back. I want to hurt her, slam her against the wall until she just shuts up and leaves me the fuck alone.

I have never done this, I have never laid a hand on my children. I love them so much.

But since September this is the second time I have felt like I want to hurt her. And I have snapped, talked angrily to her and even forcefully shoved her away from me tonight

I feel terrible and when I call dp up to help he just makes me feel worse, like I'm a horrible person for feeling this

Maybe I am, has anyone ever had this or do I need to see someone?

I haven't RTFT, but wanted to say two things-
it sounds like it's your daughters DFs turn to do bedtime, as he is not worn to a frazzle.
try not to be too hard on yourself, it's a tough situation, most of us have snapped at some point. Well done for recognising it before it has gone too far.

pull you have my utmost sympathy. My DD is 10. She only got given a diagnosis 2 years ago despite issues being flagged up for ASD when she was 16 months. I know some of how you feel. DD has major meltdown every time we need to go out anywhere. You get so frustrated that it's happening again. It's that snuffing out of that tiny hope you have EVERY time that this time will be different. You know it won't be but that little flicker refuses to die until it's stamped on by the meltdown. When being hurt becomes just part of the routine. And even though DH tries with our DD it has to be me every night because he just can't handle her. You just want someone to try. And it all gathers like a pressure cooker in your chest and your shoulders and you want to lash out....but you don't. And that is what being an Autism Mum is. We feel this and yet we don't explode, we remove ourselves from the situation. We get so good that we can leave our bodies doing the physical and we remove 'ourselves' to somewhere unreachable, a beach in Mauritus, a bar in Majorca or a chippie in Chorley. Anywhere we can conjure in our minds that is not the situation we are in.
You can be brave and face what comes your way because you are strong enough to walk away. Get searching Google and Facebook for Special Needs Support groups in your local areas. Keep asking. Ask camhs. Look on the NAS website for local groups.

You're not a bad person - nor are you a bad parent. You're in a really difficult situation but you're seeking support here - which is sensible given RL support isn't going to be available just now - and have been seeking appropriate support prior to this.

You are doing all the right things, pet, and if you're up to it/when you can, I think it would be worth you going through the thread & making a list of the helpful suggestions/advice that've been given, so you can keep moving in the right direction.

Adding to the go-back-to-the-GP chorus: if it helps you organise your thoughts more easily, rather than a list, you could take your GP a kind of spider-diagram that shows how one thing might stem from another & different things interconnect. I have multiple disabilities & health issues, one of which is multisystemic, so I use that approach quite a lot with my GP if she wants an update on how broken I am at a given point/if I'm particularly broken & not really sure what's clinically significant. Creating them can also help you get your thoughts in order/make them easier to articulate. As others have said, there are lots of different types of antidepressants available - your GP should be happy to work with you to find one that works well for you in terms of both effects & side-effects.

Really hope that you're able to get some more support in place soon (including from your DP ) & that things improve

(As a side note, slightly startled by what ommmward wrote: didn't everyone find the "falling" bit of falling asleep nightmarish as a child? And still quite unpleasant now if it is falling not drifting and even that can get a bit much frankly. )

It doesn't always get better at all. Sometimes I gets much much harder with ever passing year.

My nephew is now in a residential home and there's no way my brother could cope if he wasn't.

My eldest who is now 18, diagnosed with asd/odd/cd, when he was little he was a nightmare at one point when he was a toddler the only thing he would sleep in was his pram, this went on for years, then as we moved and had eldest daughter we moved him into his own room. He smashed it, wreaked it, broke everything to where all he had in there was a matteress, one day he went on a total meltdown and threw a rather old solid wood stool at me, if I hadn't of put my leg up at the time ( I was already on the floor because of him) it would have literally knocked me out ( the stool broke my leg) the violent outbursts got worse as he went into his teens, one day I snapped i know exactly how you felt, that day my hubby had to physically sit on my son to get him to calm down. ( I could have easily hit him back that day ) I looked into that kids eyes that day and it scared me for all I could see was that empty blackness. Luckily with help and support we got threw it and now he's just over into his own place. Also now he's very protective of me and knows it's wrong to ever lay a finger on a woman

See if somewhere near you does The Early Bird course. It's helpful.

PullThePebble. 💐

People who can't imagine how you are feeling have clearly never had to deal with the kind of things you do, best to just ignore their valueless comments.

Many of us have felt the same at one time or another and with far less cause.

Make an EMERGENCY appointment tomorrow, do not feel bad, it IS an emergency.

DP has agreed to do bedtimes (he should have offered, not waited until you asked and he needs his unsupportive arse kicked into NEXT year for making you feel worse). Now I know it's dark & wet, but go out at bedtime. She will be less likely to scream for you, you won't have to listen to it if she does & DP will feel less watched/judged/lacking.

Speak to her Dr ASAP you might be able to up the melatonin or try something else.

But please, realise that you are not a monster, your feelings are understandable and you need help. We ALL would in the circumstances.

OP, your post has made me cry, because I've been in a similar situation and I know how you are feeling.

I am lucky that my children don't have ASD, but they both had severe silent reflux/allergies/eczema that caused them to barely sleep and scream and scream and scream and scream. I honestly loved them but also hated them, DD particularly as she was first.

When I got to where I could barely cope with the violent thoughts towards her, I found a psychotherapist who specialises in treating adults with birth/baby trauma and she diagnosed me with severe PTSD. The things I admitted to her that I'd thought of doing to my babies still makes me want to vomit, but like you I thought them and didn't act.

Six months on I am very different person. My awful thoughts have gone and I am calmer. I haven't told many people this in real life, as I'm ashamed still, but I hope it helps you see that you are not alone. Also, that this is a natural reaction to torture (which is what you are dealing with on many levels), and you can learn to survive.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

I don't drink so it would be hot chocolate for me, same effect of winding down though, I'm going to stock up!

Yes I will be looking in to getting some ear defenders too. Thinking back on it I was too hot and really needed the loo too, so will be making sure to take time to think about that in future.

I will be making an emergency appointment first thing tomorrow morning.

Op I hear you, I really do. I have a dd 9 nearly 10 who is Autistic, with SPD, learning difficulties, and felt exactly like you. Especially in the early days before dx and we did not know what was wrong with her. She would cry day and night, scream and shout, it was relentless. I went to the DR and had anti depressants, and I did want to hurt her, I was at breaking point. YOu cannot say or judge unless you been there. I would go to your GP. It got easier, once she entered school, and was statemented and went to an ASD special school where they worked magic on her.

They taught her coping stratergies, she was happy, settled and achieving. She still is at the school, though has her moments, those dark early days are gone. I no longer feel that way. We also applied for DLA, and I paid for a carer to take her out, and to tap/ballet and Brownies. We are also under The children with disabilities SW team, and they pay for respite hours for the holidays and also monthly hours, which makes life so much easier.

I have found, as she has gotten older, and her speech and understanding improved, and the world became a less scary place, her behaviours started to reduce. We walked passed a shop once when she had just started special school. She never liked that shop, and would scream and cry and meltdown. She told me that she did not like it in there as it was dark and the tills made a beep beep sound which she did not like. The penny dropped for me.

I advise you to find out as much about ASD as possible, techniques that you could use to help reduce the meltdowns or behaviours. Like headphones, in noisy places if she finds loud sounds hard. Or taking her shopping when its quiet.

Big fat hugs to you, I could have written your post 6 years ago, but was too scared about the flaming.

DanTD you are missing the point. The OP has posted here for traffic, or she was not sure exactly where to post! Now she has a group of supportive people trying to suggest things to help.

NO ONE not one single person that I can see has actually tried to argue the pros and cons of her hurting or not hurting her child. I am not sure anyone has even used the letters for aibu, because we all recognise wanting to hurt your child is totally wrong BUT we also all realize that she is asking for help to not do that!

As far as "Reported, this is truly, truly upsetting." what have you reported to Mumsnet, the parent support network, that some parents are trying to support another parent!!

and as DixieNormas said "...this isn't about you."

FancyPantsDelacroixTheFirst good post.

Wow I have been in this situation but never would I say I want to hurt my dc until they shut up! Ffs op get some help! Your poor dd needs help she's just a baby.

OP, and respect to you for seeking support for this. From my experience growing up with a brother with severe autism I thought Ommm's post above particularly useful.

Interesting that you describe your dp as helping you with your daughter, surely it is equally his responsibility. Is he doing his fair share or is he just 'helping' now and again and because it is all up to you you are getting to breaking point?

Nothing to add on the ASD/SEN part as I have no experience but it's good that you've booked an emergency appointment - tell the Dr everything and they should help. Perhaps with different AD's and some professional help you can get your own emotions in check which should help the whole situation.

Well done for acknowledging it before it (could) go too far

Why should it be reported! It is a support thread, and there is loads of support for op on here, as it should be! Why should it be behind closed doors, better that it is open, so that people like op can feel not alone and that they can get help for themselves.

Op have this moved to SN section where there will be a shed load of support.

Solidarity OP - I've had similar with DS1 for years and it's incredibly hard at times.

YY to it being worse when I'm hot or uncomfortable too!

DS is starting the ASD assessment process now at 5, but he's always been like this.
Two years ago I had about two months where I felt totally out of control, and hit him back on a couple of occasions. I was disgusted with myself, but also realised it wasn't normal for me. I was also slamming doors/breaking things to let off steam (when I didn't have sole charge).
The fact is, you know this isn't right, and you will I'm sure do whatever you can to prevent it.

I'm on ADs, and got through the side effects after about 8 weeks, but there are so many I highly recommend trying a different one.

I've had a shitty day being hit/climbed on/had things thrown at me today, and have felt no urge to retaliate at all - it does get easier to manage.

Take, you clearly have no idea how difficult it can be to look after a child with autism. You need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you comment. OP, you have my sympathies, I have a 10 year DS with autism & we struggle with bedtime too. Melatonin helps get him off to sleep - prescribed by pediatrician at Child Development Centre. It is a naturally occurring hormone which aids sleep but autistic children don't produce enough of it! Alternatively, hot milk, bananas or peanut spread were recommended to us. Also try National Autism Society website - they have a helpline number on there too.

I did post on here for traffic I admit.

I have been in the sn boards before and they are extremely helpful but it tends to take quite a while to get a reply.

I'm sorry if that wasn't the right thing to do, I just wanted to get some support asap.

This is a really normal reaction for a parent of a child with autism. There's nothing wrong with you. It's a normal reaction to an extreme situation. Sorry if that's hard to hear, for parents with neurotypical children who have never lived through anything like your experience, but it's true.

The only unacceptable thing is your partner's reaction. The fact that he was surprised and shocked (and even tried to shame you ffs) shows he doesn't spend enough time around his child.

DP and I always do bedtime together unless one of us is away or at breaking point already. The DC are used to both of us so it's not a sudden shift in routine.

OP is she under the paed, yes ask him/her to prescribe melatonin, or Circadin which keeps them asleep. Melatonin helps them get off to sleep, as children with Autism don't produce enough of it.

NO op you so did the right thing, you really do. Ignore the negatives on here, get help, get support. Can you call the children with disabilities team and ask to be assessed for respite hours.

PullThePebble "I did post on here for traffic I admit.

I have been in the sn boards before and they are extremely helpful but it tends to take quite a while to get a reply.

I'm sorry if that wasn't the right thing to do, I just wanted to get some support asap."

IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!!