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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

252 replies

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 19:10

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously Smile but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

OP posts:
kezmarie · 26/12/2016 19:14

Coming from someone who has recently got a BFP from a very lucky and successful 1st IVF cycle - I can see why these comments may irritate you.
Yes you already have two DC who I'm sure are very much loved by all.
Your BIL & wife's baby will be equally loved but it's a little more exciting for them as they finally have a light at the end of the tunnel after going through years of fertility treatment.
It doesn't make their baby any more loved or precious, but just think about them who never thought they would be able to have a baby.

KayTee87 · 26/12/2016 19:16

Yanbu, my baby was easily conceived within 8 weeks of trying and he's no less precious or loved than someone's baby conceived through ivf.
Just ignore the comments.

Basicbrown · 26/12/2016 19:16

They said 'extra precious' and you have interpreted it as 'more precious' (and compared it to your situation)

I think yabu tbh, in comparison to what they've been through a minor moment of irritation is frankly nothing

Original poster
DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 19:17

Sorry, should just add that they tried for a couple of years but actually conceived first go with treatment. Not that I think that makes their baby any more or less precious!

OP posts:
FizzySweeties · 26/12/2016 19:19

YANBU.

It's not a competition, it's fine to say how exciting it is and how happy everyone is for them etc but where it turns unfair is to use you and your DCs as a yardstick for how valuable/precious/loved the babies or DCs in the family are. They should all be equally precious but obviously the circumstances around the conception makes it extra special to the expecting parents, not that any of the actual babies are extra special compared to other family babies.

However, you have 2 lovely children so, just smile & nod (and let off steam on MN!)

RubyWinterstorm · 26/12/2016 19:21

But it's not about you OP

That's the thing

Just be happy for them, and generous of spirit.

MargaretCavendish · 26/12/2016 19:21

Normally I get a bit annoyed at people who bristle when IVF babies are called precious, but this comment - how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. - is completely unacceptable. Please do remember that it wasn't the couple themselves who said it, though; they haven't done anything wrong and it sounds like you're almost cross with them by association?

Rainydayspending · 26/12/2016 19:21

YANBU. My 3rd child was born after 3 miscarriages and a long time. He is completely loved and previous to us. Just like my 1st and 2nd child conceived 1st attempt, both.
Every child is ideally loved and precious. It's not a competition and your relative has obviously led a very sheltered but competitive exsistence.

SauvignonBlanche · 26/12/2016 19:22

YABU.

My DSis, had a baby after 2 rounds of IVF , a cancer diagnosis and a still birth. Her child will be no more precious than mine but was much more yearned for, not that I'm planning on sending mine back.

I don't know why you can't understand the difference.

MammyNeedsASpaDay · 26/12/2016 19:22

No you aren't. While they'll have had a hard time people should be more considerate.

I like you had fell pregnant very easily all carried to term, no miscarriages. I have 3. SIL treated me awfully until she finally had one of her own. Everyone tried to excuse her behaviour and once she was actually pregnant she started being reasonable again, but her behaviour was unforgivable.

In your instance I'd ignore the other family member, as it isn't their concern. People can be awful xxxx

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/12/2016 19:23

YANBU, but these threads never go satisfactory for the OP, as lots of people come on to agree with the offending comment, and you end up feeling more frustrated.

Your babies are just as precious. Smile and nod.

Xmas Smile
Cinnamon2013 · 26/12/2016 19:26

I think that as the 'lucky' one it would reflect well on you to let this slide. It really isn't about you

UnicornInDMboots · 26/12/2016 19:28

I'm going to buck the trend and say I can understand the comment. And I conceived DD very quickly indeed.

I can't actually find a way to word how I think it's not a bad comment I'm afraid but I don't think it was meant with bad intentions towards your children. Unless there's more back story we don't know about

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 26/12/2016 19:29

You really can't see the difference in the situations here? Really?

But don't forget it's not the couple themselves talking like this. I certainly wouldn't mention it to them. The family are simply being empathetic to the added stress of the situation of your BIL.

KellyBoo800 · 26/12/2016 19:30

I can understand the extra-precious comments - they will finally have something that they have tried very hard to have, and and times would have thought impossible. You have the same thing but didn't really have to go through much to get it. Not that there should be any comparisons made at all but if you look at it like that it might at least explain where the individual was coming from.

The others comments are horrendous. Their baby will be no more loved than yours and to actually compare it directly to your situation was nasty. As PP have said, at least it wasn't the couple themselves that said it. And you know that your children are no less loved than theirs will be.

drinkingchanelno5 · 26/12/2016 19:30

YABU. Do you have any idea to be surrounded by other peoples' happy pregnancies year after year and think that it's never going to be you? Every family event, every special occasion, every holiday is a mine field of being questioned on 'when are you going to have a baby?' and smiling while others fall pregnant and have baby after baby while you are honestly dying inside. Have a little compassion. It's finally their turn. No, their baby won't be more precious, but give them their moment ffs.

Mammylamb · 26/12/2016 19:30

Yanbu. We took 10 years to conceive and I recall people saying that this baby will be extra special. I always replied that all babies are extra special

Blue2014 · 26/12/2016 19:33

Seriously? Let it go. Of course your children are precious but actually you need to consider than if you've had fertility issues this is different. I say this sat with my 3 week old son, conceived after 4 years and a round of ICSI, He's no more special than your children but it does feel different on some level. I have sobbed and sobbed and sobbed about the wonder of him actually existing when the chances of it were so low. If you've conceived easily you'll never know that feeling

KayTee87 · 26/12/2016 19:34

drinking the op isn't stopping the couple from having their moment though. She's understandably upset that another family member is insinuating that her children are less precious and could be less loved than this other expected baby.

AyeAmarok · 26/12/2016 19:34

Try and be kind here OP.

I know it will be hard for you to understand the heartache and devastation they've been through over the past few years, but try not to make this all about you.

Your DC are the most precious things in the world, to you.

Theirs are to them. And they suffered a whole load of extra shit on the journey to get what you got easily. Just be kind.

witsender · 26/12/2016 19:36

Of course your babies are as precious to you. But surely you can see the difference between the feeling you had seeing a BFP after an easy conception, and the feeling they must have had after their struggles? The end result is the same, but the yearning and sadness involved for them so far does differentiate it.

OhForFrigSake · 26/12/2016 19:37

Just as it's unreasonable to say that no one can complain of having a difficult time because there's always someone worse off, it's unreasonable to suggest that just because someone's baby is precious, someone else's is less so in comparison.

I had one baby after having treatment for cervical cancer and IVF. We genuinely thought we'd never have a baby. He was incredibly precious to us.

I then got pregnant again (unplanned) with my second DC. He is also incredibly precious to us. There's no hierarchy!

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/12/2016 19:37

Yabu. I'm finally preg after 10yrs ttc and 4 failed private ivf. The 5th hit the jackpot

I'm 26w and 'bubs' is the most precious baby and much wanted baby (to df and me) as has taken so long and a lot of money and every failure broke df and I hearts

And we can't just get preg /try again

Saying all that obv your and anyone else's baby are much wanted

It's just different and many who don't have infertility problems can't understand

R.E.M. Tho it wasn't the other couple who said this

Sandsnake · 26/12/2016 19:39

It sounds like they're (very, very clumsily) trying to express how happy they are for your BIL. I can understand why it would piss you off though. Some people are really rubbish at saying the right thing, how were they to know that you hadn't had struggles conceiving that they didn't know about?

Basicbrown · 26/12/2016 19:40

I always replied that all babies are extra special

Well of course they are. But it isn't quite that straightforward. So I think my neice is extra-extra special she was born a few months after DM died. It doesn't mean mine aren't special, it just means she gave everyone a big lift when it was needed and we were particularly relieved when she arrived safely as our eyes had been opened to bad things happening to us.

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