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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

252 replies

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 19:10

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously Smile but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

OP posts:
Basicbrown · 26/12/2016 20:33

That's truly awful name change. I also agree that the comment about it not being you again is out of order.

idratherbeonthebeach · 26/12/2016 20:34

You sound very childish op. You have no idea of the heartache of infertility, Don't make this about you.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 26/12/2016 20:35

It's not OP who made it about herself.
It was the person who made the comments/comparisons.

CotswoldStrife · 26/12/2016 20:35

Who said that to you Name, that's awful - I'm so sorry to hear that.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 20:36

Thank you purple it was a very long time ago now. The memory of the mc is no longer painful but I remember that comment as if it was yesterday. It was all about DM though. Its a way of bringing attention from the subject of the conversation to the speaker IYSWIM?
'Aren't I super caring and insightful to understand their pain, how they feel?' Without actually understanding what is going on for the subject at all.

HopperBusTicket · 26/12/2016 20:37

I have two children. Once conceived naturally and one through donor egg IVF. They're both precious. As are my sister's children who were conceived naturally and easily. It's natural when you're struggling with infertility to feel jealous of people conceiving easily (I did) but I tried to keep it to myself. When my sister had her youngest while we were TTC our first that child was still precious. It's not like there's a finite allocation of babies and if you have one you're taking away their chance ...

Northernlurker · 26/12/2016 20:40

Saying this pregnancy is more precious is not saying the baby will be more loved. A precious thing is one which is rare and may be found with difficulty. Like this baby for your family members. Yabu.

Marmalade85 · 26/12/2016 20:40

YABU OP. I conceived easily in a new relationship (now single mother to one year old) and sit next to a woman who is happily married and has had several miscarriages. If she got pregnant and carried to term I would believe that baby to be an extra special 'miracle' baby.

limon · 26/12/2016 20:41

Yabu sorry. Let them get on with it and have the grace to uderstand someone else's struggle.

SomeKindofNightmare · 26/12/2016 20:42

OP, I get it must have been a bit 'ouch' but some people just don't think about how harpy they say sounds. The person who said this could have been my mother. It's just the kind of tactless thing she'd say while trying to express her happiness for the successful ivf couple, it would never occur to her to think it's a bit 'off' for the other couple. If called on it she'd say "But I didn't mean it like that" and then say something even more crass while trying to explain what she did mean.

Let it go.

SomeKindofNightmare · 26/12/2016 20:43

*harpy? wtf? I typed what.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 20:44

limon the op is not talking about the couple who had IVF.
Its nothing to do with 'their struggle'. Its someone else's interpretation of it.

Candlestickchick · 26/12/2016 20:45

I think you're being over sensitive. It was poorly worded and they should have left you out of it but surely even the tiniest bit of empathy should make the sentiment behind it seem perfectly natural. It was fairly obviously not a slight on your DC but an expression that this this lovely news has come after a struggle.

I'm happy to be alive to see in 2017. I'm no less worthy of life than my friend who was diagnosed with cancer earlier in the year and was scared she might not make Christmas, but seeing in the New Year with a clean bill of health is far more precious for her than for me who has been healthy all year.

Just thank your lucky stars you conceived easily and did not know the pain of fertility struggles and stop taking it so personally.

SnatchedPencil · 26/12/2016 20:46

YABU. You conceived naturally. You've already won. Let them have this moment of happiness. To them, their baby will be wonderful, and it is only their determination that has enabled them to have a child.

To be honest you sound like you look down on them, on their inability to conceive naturally. You think there is something "wrong" with them for this, that they are to blame for it. Unfortunately for many couples IVF is the only way they can have a child.

Do the honourable thing, congratulate them and allow them their happiness.

kilmuir · 26/12/2016 20:47

I think you are taking offence where it's not necessary

MarjorieSimpson · 26/12/2016 20:47

Th baby himself isn't more or less precious as such. It's a baby, of course they are precious, regardless of the way it is conceived.

The difference is that when people have gone through infertility, IVF etc... they might have felt so hopeless and the idea of a baby soso far reaching, that when the baby is actually there, it feels more precious. Because they are very aware that having a baby isn't a given, that is a real miracle. There is also the knowledge that they might never get another chance etc....
In effect, what is there is the FEAR and the STRUGGLE rather than the idea that one baby might be more precious than the other.

As for being more loved, that is just bonkers.
Struggling to get pregnant has no relation at all with how much you will love a child.
There is however this idea again that because it's something you have struggled to get, you will be more grateful/careful/loving towards it. i personally think it's a myth.

sleeponeday · 26/12/2016 20:49

Becoming a parent can be tough - for anyone. This just adds extra pressure to these new parents. A lot - A LOT - of new mothers I know quietly admit that in the first weeks, sometimes even months, they wonder what the hell they have done. Imagine feeling that when people are insisting that you must be EXTRA happy and the baby EVEN MORE loved? It would be a whole extra serving of guilt.

I hope like hell she has no PND, and an easy birth, because this relative is writing a narrative that is fair on nobody.

catinbooots · 26/12/2016 20:54

YANBU

My closest mate had her first baby after 7 rounds of IVF at the same time as my accidental DC1

She banged on for years about how precious her DC was (not directly but hugely hinting)

Now the DC are 16 she rarely mentions it.

It's all Even Stevens in the end. And although she mildly irked me I never confronted her - as she probbo did feel that she loved her DD more than I loved my DS (not completely bonkers logic)

LilQueenie · 26/12/2016 20:56

yanbu as someone who has had ivf DD is the same as all other children. They dont come out with glitter and sparkles because they took longer and harder to conceive.

2plus1plusL1 · 26/12/2016 20:56

I've had similar with a friend indicating how 'special' and precious' her IVF child was compared to mine and how easy it had been for me....what she didn't know was I had had 2 miscarriages prior to my child.

I think people are too quick to assume and to rank their experiences against others. It's not a competition - every child is precious.

fabulous01 · 26/12/2016 21:00

I did 6 IVF attempts to get my miracle babies. But I always say all babies are miracles and precious.
My friends and family are the ones that say they are so precious and bore people with updates. It sounds like the couple are normal but probably very nervous so cut them some slack. They will have lost and gained friendships along the way so be kind to them

Original poster
DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 21:00

Just to reiterate, I'm not remotely blaming the couple. I really admire them for being so great with our kids while they were trying.

These comments were both made when SIL and I were in the room and I had my baby dc on my lap. She didn't pull the person up but neither did I so I can't complain. She is lovely and I'm delighted for them. Maybe even extra delighted for them. Smile But I don't think the baby will be more precious or loved than ours.

I also think it's unfair to suggest I'm the one making it about me. If you read my op and imagine us all sitting in the same room as someone said they were glad it wasn't us again it did feel quite pointed.

OP posts:
Jemimachristmaspuddingduck · 26/12/2016 21:02

I didn't think you were being unreasonable until you made the comment about them conceiving on their first round of treatment at which point YABVVU.

Infertility is heartbreaking and soul destroying it tears apart marriages and friendships and leaves emotional wounds so deep I will forever carry the scars with me and I'm one of the very lucky women who conceive on their first round.

Their child is not more precious than yours but it has come at a far greater personal and probably financial cost than yours be happy for them that they finally get to experience what you have achieved so easily and consider that this child may be the only child they ever have and so to them and possibly your in laws very very precious and special.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 21:03

mister your poor SIL.
I had two babies after the death of a DC. The sheer weight of other people's expectations was hard to bear.

People didn't ask me questions they told me how I was feeling. 'you must be SO happy', 'you must be SO excited' and all the 'this is just what you need' and 'a miracle baby sent to make things right' etc.

I know its not the same and I am lucky never to have experienced infertility but it does make it very hard to feel the feelings other expectant mothers and new parents are allowed to feel.

I don't know if that happens to couples after infertility. I suppose I am just guessing that it might.

Original poster
DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 21:04

Frigs I agree. Why introduce a baby hierarchy?

OP posts: