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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

252 replies

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 19:10

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously Smile but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

OP posts:
GreenGinger2 · 27/12/2016 08:01

I have IVF twins born after 10 years of hell and a natural "accident" conceived 6 months after. I off course love all 3 exactly the same ie with every fibre of my being. The pregnancies were different though. My first was what I thought 1 chance saloon, every second appreciated,cherished and worried about. The second a bloody joyous miracle I could float in.

During infertility you endure continual thoughtless comments and heartbreak. Most days actually. It is everywhere. You put up with it,you live with the agony.

You've had 1 comment you don't like. Seriously can you not just get over it and move on exactly like your in laws had to do on a daily basis. People often articulate things in a clumsy way.

DameSquashalot · 27/12/2016 08:03

I think your BIL is BU. Why can't he be incredibly happy for the couple without making a comparison with you and DH, or begrudging your pregnancies?

I understand the heartache of watching other people with their new babies when you are having problems, and could fully understand the couple saying how special the baby is, but it's not for BIL to make comparisons.

Oly5 · 27/12/2016 08:08

Please be kind. This isn't about you, they have struggled and struggled - two wars is a long time!
You know their babies aren't extra precious! But just let them have their moment. and consider yourself lucky that you've had no fertility issues

FlipperSkipper · 27/12/2016 08:11

Nice to know that my miscarriages that left me suicidal and nearly destroyed my marriage were only a perceived loss, not a real one. I presume the embryo sac that I held in my hand was only perceived too

waterrat · 27/12/2016 08:24

Op try to imagine the thousands of thoughtless comments and sad moments that someone has to hear /put up with while going through fertility treatment.

I have a friend on her 4th round of IVF and while she has been going through this heartbreak several of her closest friends have celebrated baby after baby.

Surely it is a great thing thst finally it is your SIL and not you or anyone else ?! That seems like fair logic to me...ie. It's finally her turn to celebrate.

I can't imagine finding space to feel bitter about this . Let her have her moment. And be glad u never went through through her heartbreak.

Mouthofmisery · 27/12/2016 08:28

**Flipper miscarriages are natural. Why take it so personally? I've had them. Most people have. They happen for a reason.

KayTee87 · 27/12/2016 08:37

mouthofmisery you're deliberately being a dick now. Maybe your miscarriages didn't upset you but I find it hard to believe that you don't realise other people might find them upsetting.

Lonelystarbuckslover · 27/12/2016 08:39

flipper you've posted my experience also. I am childless following MC and it left me suicidal too. I loved that baby from the moment I saw the extra line, I made room for it in my heart and life - that's natural too, it's biology kicking in, it's what makes you take your folic acid, stop drinking, smoking. Yes there was something wrong with my embryo, it wasn't going to make it, but by god, it hurts me. I feel personally feel robbed of something I yearned for. It doesn't make me a bad person.

Just because miscarriages are natural and common, and infertility is 'nature' doesn't make these experiences not painful. Some people move on easily from them, some not so much. A friend of mine has two babies and each punctuated by MCs and she describes different relationships to the babies she lost, one devastated her, the last she feels blasé towards. There's nothing wrong in any of that.

FlipperSkipper · 27/12/2016 08:43

Thank you Lonely, I'm sorry you've been there too. I am lucky to be 7 months pregnant now, although it's taken 5 years, 5 ivf cycles and 2 miscarriages to get here.

Mouth I am not going to engage with you. Different people react to things differently.

SharkBastard · 27/12/2016 08:44

I think you're being a bit unreasonable as with many posters on here.

I am 23 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child, and my colleague is pregnant with her 1st. she has gone through 10 years of trying to conceive, and after many losses, and several rounds of IVF, she is 26 weeks pregnant. I view her pregnancy more special than mine and I've had 2 miscarriages but I can fall pregnant easily.

I think we need more understanding and less offence and personal takings about such heartbreaking events.

tigerdog · 27/12/2016 08:46

mouthofmisery can you hear yourself? Do you understand how horrible what you are saying is? Do you have any capacity empathy for others?! I'm gobsmacked at some of the views you have expressed. It is people like you that have made my fertility issues and miscarriages harder and more isolating to bear.

Flipper Flowers, I'm sorry you've been through so much.

Greenginger, I think what you've said is spot on.

TwinkleTwinkleLittleBat · 27/12/2016 09:01

Yanbu.

The op clearly understands and appreciates the other couple's circumstances and is delighted for them.

It's possible to empathise, congratulate and celebrate without making pointed references to someone else in the room. I'm guessing the op has taken it personally because it was rather a personal comment.

Mouthofmisery · 27/12/2016 09:10

Of course I'm aware of what I'm saying. Yes I have empathy and sympathy for things which deserve it.

Namechangeemergency · 27/12/2016 09:25

I think a lot of people are missing the point of the op.
As fizzy and others have already pointed out, this is not about the pregnant couple's perception of their baby's preciousness.

It is about the perception of a different couple who have no experience of infertility.

The OP is not resenting or being unkind or refusing to understand or lacking grace Confused

People keep missing out a vital component here, the couple in between who are making up their own narrative and imposing it on the OP.

I don't appreciate people without my experience telling others how they should behave towards me or how to relate to my pregnancies etc. That puts a pressure on me that I haven't invited!

It is enough that this baby is precious and wanted. There doesn't need to be any 'extras'. It is not the place of third parties to make that assumption.

OvariesForgotHerPassword · 27/12/2016 09:40

YANBU.

It feeds into the larger picture of not being able to complain about anything if you got pregnant easily.

I had an unplanned pregnancy. I was made to feel like shit if I admitted I was struggling with any aspect of the lifestyle change, the impending birth, balancing parenthood and studying, worrying about what sort of parent I'd be, because "some people would give anything to be pregnant". To the extent where I developed severe antenatal anxiety and depression.

Often it doesn't come from the struggling couple themselves, as in this case with the OP. People impose their own narrative in which the couple who conceive easily are selfish villains and the couple who struggle are innocent victims of injustice, and they have to create a you vs them situation. God knows why.

CotswoldStrife · 27/12/2016 09:43

Agree with Namechange above about so many missing the point and ignoring the OP in favour of getting their own point in Sad The vast majority of parents think their child is the most loved (I certainly do Grin ) and to refer to pregnancy in terms of 'war' or 'won' is just awful.

The OP hasn't done anything wrong here. Nor have the expectant couple.

MargaretCavendish · 27/12/2016 09:56

Again, I think the comments made to the OP here were unacceptable and I completely understand why she's upset, but I'm astonished at some of the posts whinging about how those who conceive easily don't get the attention or consideration given to the infertile. It reminds me of when I was at primary school and cross that I never got a progress prize because I was always top of the class. The difference is that by 11 I'd worked out that you don't get pats on the head when you've already got the main prize, and that's because you're already the lucky one. Maybe some grown-ups here should reflect on that?

KayTee87 · 27/12/2016 09:58

mouthofmisery you're an arsehole.

Namechangeemergency · 27/12/2016 10:07

Is anyone whinging?
Apols if I have missed that, this is a long thread.

welcometowonderland · 27/12/2016 10:30

Mouth of misery

Please explain why you believe a miscarriage to be a "perceived loss?"
Genuinely interested.

876TaylorMade · 27/12/2016 10:48

YANBU. OP I conceived naturally on both occasions but I feel as if I cannot speak about how easy it has been for us because it would seem as though I am being boastful... I am not. But I am genuinely happy I had it easy.

While I empathise with people who suffer fertility issues. Some of them do have nasty attitudes towards people who conceive naturally. IMHO it's nobody's fault...lighten up and be happy for others.

PurpleDaisies · 27/12/2016 10:54

IMHO it's nobody's fault...lighten up and be happy for others.

You don't have a clue. As if people who can't conceive want to feel the way they do.

Lighten up?! Ffs.Biscuit

Patienceisvirtuous · 27/12/2016 11:14

Lighten up??? Ffs. Some poster don this thread.

Also mouth of, grow up.

'During infertility you endure continual thoughtless comments and heartbreak. Most days actually. It is everywhere. You put up with it,you live with the agony. You've had 1 comment you don't like. Seriously can you not just get over it ...'

Patienceisvirtuous · 27/12/2016 11:14

*some posters on this thread

Mouthofmisery · 27/12/2016 11:57

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