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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

252 replies

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 19:10

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously Smile but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 26/12/2016 21:06

My sister has one of these - she's normally lovely but her frequent comments that her dc are considerably more precious than my sisters run of the mill babies are shocking! My sister is kindly putting it down to hormones not sure I could.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 21:10

Thank you basic
It was my mother cotswold.

She has form.
I have just remembered (while brushing my teeth) a one way conversation she had about my Dsis and my DN. She went on at length about how awful it would be if anything happened to my DN. How she worried how my Dsis would cope because she loved her DD SO much. I must have made some sort of comment because she said yes, yes I know but your DSis loves her SO much she just wouldn't manage if anything happened to DN.
The whole thing was bizarre because there was no reason to believe anything would happen to DN.
Ironically it was my DD that got sick and died. Yet here I am, still alive.
I guess that means I really didn't love her as much as my DSis loves hers then Hmm

My Dsis would NEVER have said any of that stuff.

moreslackthanslick · 26/12/2016 21:11

You are so NBU As a CF woman I'll keep further comments to myself.

But congrats on your babies xx

Grilledaubergines · 26/12/2016 21:11

YABU. This isn't about you. It's about them going from a position of possibly being forever childless to having the chance to be parents when they probably thought it would never happen. And rightly so, those around them being thrilled for them.

middlings · 26/12/2016 21:12

As a veteran of IVF, YANBU. That said, my second DC was conceived naturally and I have to admit that when I think about the manner of conception of the first, I do feel differently and incredibly grateful. I don't feel any differently about the resulting children though. Love them both the same and they drive me bonkers to exactly the same degree.

Original poster
DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 21:13

Snatched Your comments about us having 'won' and me looking down on them are weird and very wide if the mark. I love them, was sad for them and am very excited my kids will have a lovely little cousin next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 21:19

Namechange That is awful. I'm so sorry about your dd.

OP posts:
sparechange · 26/12/2016 21:22

As a society, we celebrate those who overcome adversity and those who achieve things against the odds
Just like anyone finishing a marathon is worthy or praise, someone who finishes one having been told they would never walk again is the one who gets more attention.

You'd have to be pretty cold hearted to not be able to recognise that the same applies to a pregnancy where someone had been told it was unlikely to happen

JerryFerry · 26/12/2016 21:22

Snatched what a bizarre and unhinged comment. Says a lot about you.

OP I think a lot of people just talk a lot of crap, perhaps their access to vocabulary is limited or they feel the need to fill gaps in conversation?
Who knows, but of course no baby is more precious than another. This does not negate the journey to parenthood, however, for some it is plain sailing and for others unimaginably fraught.

bettywhitearse · 26/12/2016 21:25

It goes both ways OP. People are generally thoughtless with their comments.

I went through 6 miscarriages and when I was finally pregnant and I hit 16 weeks I could breathe but even then people were 'oh Betty's pregnant AGAIN?' like I was somehow doing it on purpose and the excitement just wasn't what it was when my sister got pregnant first time with her first just a week or so after I announced my pregnancy. (my sister was really pissed off to discover I was 16 weeks along and I would have mine 'first' but that's another story)

I think for some my loses hit hard for them and they just didn't want me to be the bringer of yet more bad news So they detached from me and my pregnancy to protect themselves perhaps?

Its a weird position to be in.

Mouthofmisery · 26/12/2016 21:27

Agree with OP. Have had similar comments and accusations from SIL who has had fertility issues. It makes me really cross and I now have very little sympathy for people struggling with fertility purely because of her attitude. Everyone has problems. Fertility is one. Other people have other problems which are life impacting and serious. Fertility isn't the only problem in the world.

DailyFail1 · 26/12/2016 21:27

Yabu. Every child is precious. Stop projecting

DailyFail1 · 26/12/2016 21:29

Mouthofmisery - to you fertility might not be a huge problem. To others letting children die of Cancer to save a bit of tax might not be a problem. It's all subjective. But you have to be a true piece of work not to ever sympathise with someone in pain.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2016 21:30

It makes me really cross and I now have very little sympathy for people struggling with fertility purely because of her attitude.

Your SIL being an arse means all people with fertility problems aren't worth any sympathy? Hmm

sparechange · 26/12/2016 21:32

It makes me really cross and I now have very little sympathy for people struggling with fertility purely because of her attitude

Sorry what now?

So if you met someone who told you they had suffered multiple miscarriages and stillbirths, you would say 'I have no sympathy for you, because someone I don't like has struggled to have a baby'
I'm speechless

BravoPanda · 26/12/2016 21:33

No but when you have long term infertility and no light at the end of the tunnel then it is the biggest problem in their own world. We tried for 10+ years before we finally cracked it and the blood sweat and tears behind my child makes it 100000x times more yearned for and special (to me and my dh, and our family) than anyone elses ever could be to them. The comments may be in poor taste but until you've been there, then you will never understand. I couldn't give a toss if that offends anyone else in the process.

Bluebolt · 26/12/2016 21:35

I take these types of comments as more about the pregnancy than the baby itself. Youngest Sil pregnancy was a precious time for all the family and her daughter's arrival. but once born she was an equal to all her cousins. The pregnancy after chemotherapy and the infertility warnings just means her being a part of the wider family is precious to us without her being any more important.

ricepolo · 26/12/2016 21:36

YABU.

My first child was conceived first time trying, easy pregnancy etc etc.

I then had ovarian cancer with surgery and chemo.

DC2,3&4 (currently pg with #4) have since been conceived (naturally). They are extra precious because there was a time we genuinely didn't think they would ever be here whereas we never had that fear with DC1. I don't love them any more or less than DC1 but I do look at them in a different way: I still can't quite believe that I have them.

An ivf pregnancy is more precious than a naturally conceived one since it's so much harder to replace. The babies are absolutely of equal value and worth, but as someone who's had an easy journey to parenthood, you shouldn't be offended by others being delighted for those whose journey has been much harder.

tigerdog · 26/12/2016 21:37

YABU. It really doesn't matter what these people say and you shouldn't waste your time over thinking it. Remember your first sentence: "DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes.." And feel very very thankful that you haven't had to have IVF or be told your baby has died. It's beyond shit. Also, no child is any more precious than another, but I don't think it's unusual for something you've had to fight for to be perceived as somehow more special than something that just falls in your lap.

Just be thankful you haven't had such heartache.

PuntCuffin · 26/12/2016 21:37

Not sure I will phrase this quite correctly as I have drunk wine.

Precious and special are the wrong words to have used. Babies conceived through IVF (or other interventions) are more 'yearned for' because the parent/s have to go through additional effort than a natural conception.
My two DS are both unplanned, so I did not have to spend months/years hoping and trying and not knowing if it would ever happen for me. It does not make them less precious because I was fortunate enough to conceive easily. I have however often wondered what it feels like as a couple to decide to try for a family and the depth of emotion it involves, let alone having to go through invasive medical procedures to achieve what should be the most natural thing in the world. (Without making it about me), I will never experience what it is like for a BFP to be a looked for result and a DH who reacts with joy instead of pragmatism!

I suspect this the relative was just trying to express the difference between levels of effort required and phrased it tactlessly (maybe they had also had wine). They were trying to express joy that it has happened at last for the BIL and wife.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 26/12/2016 21:38

YANBU The comparison was unfair, and particularly mortifying that you were both together when the comment was made.

Acknowledging that a couple have had a long, painful time to reach a successful pregnancy is not unreasonable. When I know of the pregnancy and birth of a couple that have had a difficult time reaching that outcome, there is the additional happiness and relief that that source of pain has ended (although it can have a legacy). As the baby develops its own personality, its "specialness" becomes more personal to them and more detached from the circumstances of their creation.

sparechange · 26/12/2016 21:39

Oh and 'precious baby' is a term used by doctors to describe babies born after some sort of adversity like a precious late or term loss, or infertility

It's a reason consultants will do extra scans and elective CS

tigerdog · 26/12/2016 21:41

mouthofmisery, that's the most unfeeling and heartless post I've seen for some time. Wow.

Mehfruittea · 26/12/2016 21:46

We tried for 5 years and had 2 rounds of IVF. It's always irritated me when others say how 'extra special' or 'even more precious' our pregnancy was, and now DS is. Everyone's baby is precious and no matter how long you have longed for and dreamed about your child, their presence is a blessing and your DC's should not be disregarded in such a way.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 26/12/2016 21:49

I conceived both DS1 and DS2 witbin two months of trying. A cousin who had fertility treatment told me I couldn't understand what it was to love a child because I hadn't had to fight to conceive. Apparently, only IVF babies are truely loved. It really grated. I was a single parent XH walked out when DS2 was 1 and DS1 is autistic and requires significant support. The cousin I mention went on to have two on IVF babies, both gorgeous too. I've never had the urge to say 'so sorry you can't love your non IVF children'!

I remarried. I had three miscariages and a chemical pregnancy, then DD, whom we love. But whilst she is lovely I love her as much as DS1 and DS2. All equally but differently too. We're all unique. The miscariages physically and emotionally took their toll, but don't give me the right to judge any others circumstance.

YADNBU. I'm still irritated years on that anyone can judge anothers love.

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