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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

252 replies

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 19:10

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously Smile but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

OP posts:
Sammygold · 26/12/2016 19:42

FGS, this really isn't about you, OP. Perhaps it was phrased unwisely but surely you can understand the sentiment behind it?

AmberEars · 26/12/2016 19:45

Of course your babies are just as precious and loved, but this comment is just trying to acknowledge the pain that your BIL and SIL have been through. I'm sure they came across some insensitive comments too while they were TTC - it's hard to say the right thing on this topic. I wouldn't worry about it too much OP.

Scrumptiousbears · 26/12/2016 19:46

I think you are looking too much into it OP. Be glad you have yours and let the others get on with their lives.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 26/12/2016 19:46

Everybody's baby is the most special for them.

Saying someone else is extra special is inconsiderate.
YANBU.

GrimDamnFanjo · 26/12/2016 19:49

Be kind, let it slide and be thankful for your fertility. Any comments from others then pull them up, but remember its not your SIL/BIL making the comments.

Baylisiana · 26/12/2016 19:52

YABU, it is a turn of phrase to some extent and it probably doesn't reflect any ill will towards you, more a concern for other people. You have as you say been lucky, so get over it and stop making a drama out of nothing.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2016 19:56

Saying at least it wasn't you again was out of order, but seriously-it's taken two years and a lot of pain for them to conceive. Don't you think it's ok for people to think their pregnancy news is extra good in the same way that it's brilliant for anyone to finish a marathon but even more cause for celebration when someone does it after a horrible injury or recovering from cancer or something?

Once the baby arrives I very much doubt the vast majority of people will treat them as extra special.

mineallmine · 26/12/2016 20:01

YABU, sorry. I know it's really irritating when people say you just don't get it unless you've been there but I think it's true. All babies are wonderful and precious but a child born after a struggle is a little miracle.

I have 2 dc. The first was born via IVF after 3 years ttc and he was so precious. My second came via intercountry adoption after a long and fruitless struggle with lots of IVFs. She's been ours for 5 years and I pinch myself every. single. day. because I can't believe how flipping lucky we are to have her. She's extra precious. Not extra loved, my two children are loved fiercely and equally, but I never thought we'd have her.
There's a Paul Simon song that makes me cry every time I listen to it. I just got so used to disappointment and sadness that I don't think I'll ever be able to take my dd's existance in my family for granted ever. It's not that she's more precious than ds or than any other child, but it just took such a lot of pain and struggle for her to be ours.

When something goes wrong
I'm the first to admit it
I'm the first to admit it
But the last one to know
When something goes right
Well it's likely to lose me
It's apt to confuse me
It's such an unusual sight
I can't get used to something so right
Something so right

  • Paul Simon
Headofthehive55 · 26/12/2016 20:03

I don't think there are "extra" special babies. They are all special.
I can't think of my child whom I struggled to conceive any more special than the one I nearly lost at birth, or the one that is a different sex.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/12/2016 20:07

YANBU to be irritated by the comments, but unless they have form for making digs at you I would let it go. It sounds as though they were clumsily trying to say the right thing for Bil and his wife.

mistermagpie · 26/12/2016 20:09

I don't think the actual children are more special as such, but I do think the pregnancy kind of is because some people have to try so incredibly hard to get there and for some, the odds are incredibly low.

judybloomno5 · 26/12/2016 20:12

No baby is any more or less special than any other.

It's a ridiculous thing for them to say but they probably didn't think it through before they opened their mouth.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 20:12

I don't think YABU.
Its a silly thing to say. Isn't it enough that this much wanted baby is precious? Why does it have to be 'extra' precious. Its like the people saying it are trying to ramp up the emotions to get a bit of attention for themselves.

Its wonderful that the OP's BIL and wife are expecting a baby. I am sure the op is delighted.

Doesn't this sort of insistence on being 'extra special' , 'much wanted', 'more precious' but a hell of a lot of pressure on couples expecting a baby after IVF? What if they find early parenthood hell? What if their baby is colicky, unsettled, ill or otherwise 'difficult'? All this hyper sentiment may prevent them being able to admit they are struggling.

Also how does it work if someone who has been trying for 10 years comes along? Does their baby bump BIL's baby down the precious scale a bit?

IMO its enough to be thrilled and happy and supportive. Making it competitive is unhelpful all round.

The last few series of One Born Every Minute started going down that route. Juxtaposing the stories of two births. One would be a single mum who got pregnant by accident and is smoking during labour, the other would be a clean living couple who had tried for years and had a tricky pregnancy.

We were all supposed to compare and contrast and work out which baby was most wanted and special.

I don't like all that at all.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 26/12/2016 20:13

I can't believe these comments ^

The family member is obviously being a dick. 'How great that OP and her DH aren't the ones having the baby again' - I mean wtaf?! They sound petty and jealous.

They are also potentially sowing seeds of trouble between OP and her BIL and his wife, which OP is widely avoiding.

Atenco · 26/12/2016 20:21

Sorry, I got pregnant by accident but I honestly can't think of anyone being more or less precious than my dd.

pklme · 26/12/2016 20:25

it is not the baby that is extra special, obviously, but the end to the pain the other couples feel.

In that family, several couples have had problems and op has not. That means that the others are suffering from month to month as they fail to conceive, and grieving the loss of unborn children etc. One of those couples conceiving gives hope to the others in a way that the OP getting pregnant again would not.

Try not to take it personally, OP and be glad that you are not living the disappointment and grief that they are.

BBCNewsRave · 26/12/2016 20:25

Atenco well maybe you'd understand if you'd gone through years of heartache first. FFS so many of you are clueless as to what it's like.

CotswoldStrife · 26/12/2016 20:25

YANBU OP and I'm guessing it's a parent making the comments I don't see why the commenter can't be pleased for the parents-to-be without running you down. The comment about it not being you again is pretty awful.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 20:25

I remember when I had a MC and my saying how she was glad it wasn't my DSis because she had already had a baby loss and I had a DC already.

Why do people need to compare?

user1472334322 · 26/12/2016 20:30

I agree with you, hickie. Well put. Op, you're getting a rough deal here. You sound pleased for bil and his wife and there to support them. The comment how great it is that it's someone else pregnant and not you is way out of line and hurtful. It's not your fault you managed to conceive more easily than sil. The extra precious and loved comment is also a silly thing to say as obviously all children are extra precious and loved even if just by their parents. Op, I know it's hard, but just ignore daft comments like that. The person who said them didn't think. Be pleased and happy for and supportive towards bil and his wife and anything like that will hopefully not be said again.

BeauHeaux · 26/12/2016 20:32

A misguided comment from a family member. Keep in mind that it wasn't the IVF couple who said it, they would probably be mortified. Try to let it go and move on.

neveradullmoment99 · 26/12/2016 20:32

I think its a bit sad a comparison has been made between you and the couple expecting l by the member of your family. I think its a terrible thing to say and completely out of order comparing you to this couple - 'and not DH and Dorothea again'
I get that the baby will feel more precious to the couple because it has been hard to conceive but it will not be more precious than your baby. A really stupid comparison.

mistermagpie · 26/12/2016 20:32

Namechange you do make a good point that the pressure on new parents can be increased by such comments. My SIL has had three miscarriages and has one living baby and she once confessed that she felt unable to ever moan about the tough days with a baby in case people thought she was ungrateful.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2016 20:32

Wow, that's awful namechange. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

ClarissaDarling · 26/12/2016 20:33

I've written and deleted what I wanted to say here a few times now- as I'm so worried about offending someone. I felt awful telling one section of colleagues I was pg, as one of the group had been trying for a while to no avail. She stopped talking to me for the majority of my pregnancy, and only comment was it was not fair- what she didn't know and how could she as id not shared was we'd been trying for nearly a year. Thankfully she got her BFP when I was 7 months and then wanted to re-engage, but I (Prob wrongly?) felt that I couldn't as she had been so awful- similar to OP, her baby was more wanted than mine, would be much more precious.
-Am Prob rambling now as had my first wine in well over a year!

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