To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

My SIL said something similar, she conceived eventually after 5 years of trying and when she developed gestational diabetes at the end of the pregnancy she said that the consultant would deliver her early as 'they didn't want to take any chances as they'd taken soooo long to conceive'. I did a little private eye roll as I'd like to think no health professional would 'take chances' with any pregnancy, no matter how long it took to come about. let it go over your head, when the baby is here it'll be no different to any other baby.

The special thing here is in the gestational diabetes and not the "soo long to conceive baby".
They would have done it for any baby, not because it was "extra Special"

I am very lucky to have 3 children, I have been pregnant 5 times, lost twins separately, and had to terminate my last very much wanted pregnancy due to my health.

I work with people within health and well being and i read from the OP that she is not angry towards the pregnant couple, but towards the commenter.

I think the dangers of this is that in many cases the actual children themselves are the ones to suffer, the children conceived with ease may be sidelined by other relatives for the child that was conceived through IVF, I have seen this happen and it leads to the naturally conceived children being left out and treated less favourably to their cousins.

You can also never compare situations, regardless of how the child was conceived. Everyone's story is different, you can never put yourself in someone else's shoes, they would never fit!

IMO all babies are equally precious in one sense, but vary a little in others. For example, on this site first borns are often referred to as pfbs or precious first borns. Why? Any parent of more than one will agree their first is not more precious than their subsequent children, but many will admit to have acted more precious about their first, being more strict about what they are allowed to do or eat for example. As they gain more experience with children, parents often realise they are more robust than they first thought and this sentiment is likely to be amplified if the parents have also faced the prospect of being childless, or if they have already experienced a late loss, compounding their sense of the fragility of infants. Extra care in pregnancy or early delivery options are given for good reason in these cases, it's more to reduce parental anxiety than that their children have a higher value than others, but it is real, and until people have walked in those shoes it's not all that easy to appreciate. Extra precious actually describes it quite well imo, but obviously the child isn't more precious than another, it's more the parental attitude to it.

As recently mentioned in the 'call the midwives' Christmas special; unfortunately women (and couples) continue to be judged by their reproductive abilities and decisions. Have a big family (via IVF or not) and people imply you are crazy/greedy/lax with you contraception. Have one child and people assume you are reproductivly challenged / selfish/ spend their life asking you when you are having the next one, have no children and all of the above might apply.

All children are precious. All women are precious. Some women have 5+ without wanting to or being supported, some women can't have one and are equally struggling.

We need to stop judging each other on the basis of what are wombs are capable of and just try and be happy and supportive of each other. At some point all pregnancies/ babies are challenging as much as they are loved. Exhausting as much as they are treasured.

I am a mum to a very hard won ds. I do not think he is more precious but whilst being wary of mollycoddling I am v protective of him in a way I see many mums of easily conceived children are not...the amount of parties with uncut grapes, not holding hands walking down roads astounds me with his peers 5 yo. Even on hear where people toy with moving a baby under 6 months into their own room ignoring 6 mo guidelines. It hottifies me as I can't imagine being that careless.

No child can be replaced but whatever I do I will never get another chance ever ever ever ever.

Op let them have their moment the relative is just trying to be supportive of them and you just sound like you lack empathy.

Years ago when I was doing a medical research project ( and struggling with my own infertility) I came across a study which showed the only illness which led to higher levels of depression was cancer. It is a horrid horrid condition unless you have been through it you just don't really get it.

I think you are being over-sensitive OP. Pregnancy is very precious to someone who has thought, maybe for years, month in month out, that they are never going to have a baby. I was one. I got lucky. I can tell you that after three and a half years, that first pregnancy was very precious indeed, to me. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my 3rd baby.

If you've never had fertility issues, then you should consider yourself lucky and filter comments like that out. No baby is any more precious than another but if you have had a long hard struggle to conceive in the first place, with the likelihood of conceiving again low, then people will see the baby as a little miracle.

OP I get where you are coming from. All children are equally precious whether an only, one of 15, ivf, adoption... etc.

I don't know why people make these comments. I understand if the parents themselves express just how precious a baby is - I can only agree. But when other family members compare babies - it's just not on.

Andcake

To suggest that parents of easily conceived babies are careless... I just don't even know where to start with that

Sometimes you just have to accept that some people talk crap. I'd be irritated, but there's not much you can do about people expressing platitudes without engaging their brains.

Again, it is not a competition. Bereavement, disability, severe ill health, mental health problems, infertility......etc etc.......there are many, many devastating events and states of being in this life - there is no good that can come out of ranking these.

There is also no 'one size fits all' - I have friends who cut their kids grapes hold hands on the street...and those who don't - it is not necessarily the friend who had ivf who is most cautious.

The OP said it wasn't the IVF couple who ground it in, but another. Having had three unsuccessful rounds of IVF and at long last kids, I know there is a huge sense of relief at the pregnancy, and it is hardly surprising the IVF couple are ecstatic The relly who seems to imply this means their kid is more important than another is just a twat, the same sort who lets on that boy kids are more important than girl kids.

Ignore the pricks, unless you feel like reminding them that your kids will eventually be paying their pension through taxes.

I couldn't believe how agonising infertility was until we experienced it, but eventual success doesn't mean our kids are more precious than anybody else's.

Oh, and following up on Andcake's post, my other half did indeed die of cancer after the twins were born, so I have had the full monty of depression. But I'm still here! (Cheesey grin.)

HCP's will take extra 'precautions' if that's the right word with many ivf pregnancies

I am red flagged and under consultant care as

Geriatric (over 37 - I'm 43)
Ivf baby and 5 attempts and never been preg before
First preg over 40
Dvt years ago

They have told me I won't go over 40w as slight chance of stillborn if ivf and over 40/40 - age and weeks preg

I have scans every 3w and well looked after

This is not to say that anther woman who is preg wouldn't be looked after well - just that I red flag so they keep a beedy eye on me

try not to be too offended when pregnancies resulting from years of pain and fertility treatment are described as 'extra precious'. Because the simple truth is that they are.

No dietcoke that is simply not true, as others have already said. All pregnancies and babies are precious, no need for comparison or competition.

There baby won't be more precious. However it is very difficult to go through infertility and although the comments were badly worded I can understand the thoughts behind them. My first baby was conceived very quickly, my second took a very long time to the point I had given up. Yes I was grateful I had one but it was tough people asking when I was having another, seeing others with 2 or more and the school Mums pregnant. When I suddenly did become pregnant it felt as if this pregnancy was more precious despite me obviously loving my children the same. I think let the comment go and be grateful for never experiencing infertility.

I am a mum to a very hard won ds. I do not think he is more precious but whilst being wary of mollycoddling I am v protective of him in a way I see many mums of easily conceived children are not...the amount of parties with uncut grapes, not holding hands walking down roads astounds me with his peers 5 yo. Even on hear where people toy with moving a baby under 6 months into their own room ignoring 6 mo guidelines. It hottifies me as I can't imagine being that careless.

How do you know those children were easily conceived? It's a massive leap to say that children of "careless" parents must have not had problems conceiving. I'd like to see any data you've got that backs that up.

Just wanted to say that I don't think it's a straightforward yes or no to the aibu question. The relative was insensitive and clumsy and shouldn't have used the extra special comments regarding your BILs baby. If those comments continue, and are repeated to your BiL and his wife, then that's worrying too... I say this as myself and DH tried to conceive for over 10 years, it was a heartbreaking and gruelling time. When we brought our son home we were utterly delighted to have him (adopted after another arduous process) and we knew how delighted everyone was for us too, as they all kept telling us how pleased they were and how precious he must be to us. He was, and still is, the most wonderful amazing gift we have been given in our lives. BUT, the weight of that expectation from everyone we know has meant that both DH and I have not felt able to share with anyone how we struggle sometimes with our parenting role and we have both suffered with depression as a result. I suppose I am trying to say that maybe if this relative persists in making these comments then it could be a good idea to gently shut them down as the pressure of expectation may do the same to your BiL and his wife

I think on the whole the person seems to be someone who hasn't thought about how their words could be construed before opening their mouth, although the comment about "dh and dorothea again" is a bit much.
I do ubderstand the sentiment they are trying to express though. No the baby isn't actually extra precious but the fact they conceived etc is, iyswim.
I conceived my dd relatively easily and am now in a bit of an infertility hell ttc #2 and if we ever get lucky enough for it to happen, I feel like it would be a bit more special. I would certainly take things far less for granted and try to enjoy it all more, because of the journey to get there. Or I may be entirely wrong!
Don't take it to heart anyway, it doesn't really sound like the person meant it to be offensive to you really, they were just commenting on bil and his wife's situation

It was a bit if a clumsy comment but I think that it's just pleasure at the fact that the ivf has worked. As the mummy of a 23 month old ivf baby I can say that he is incredibly precious to all the family. I cried all the way through his christening as I never thought I would see that day. So OPI you are right all babies are precious but try to be a little understanding and let it go x

Just a question of 'smile, nod and let it pass over you'.

You know that the baby can't be 'more' precious- just let them think it is, because to them it will be so no need to contradict.

TiredyMcTired - your post really resonates with me. I think this 'precious' 'special' 'miracle' stuff can make it more difficult for parents, who may be putting a huge pressure on themselves to be grateful, and never complaining. It also can become a something the child and future children carry around with them.

I think this kind of talk is actually incredibly unhealthy and puts a lot of expectation on the soon-to-be parents as well as making the OP feel crap.

I actually read somewhere that PND is higher among women who have IVF and that part of that reasoning is that having gone through fertility issues eternal gratitude is expected for the miracle that is eventually their baby, and that when the reality of having a newborn kicks in, i.e. Sleepless nights, relentless crying/feeding etc it leads to a huge amount of guilt that they don't feel grateful in a way that is almost expected.

And going through fertility does not guarantee that someone will feel differently about their child. When we seek to have children we all have preconceptions which go out of the window as soon as the baby is born. Having IVF doesn't make having a baby any less relentless.

Conversely, a friend of my eXH and his DW tried for seven years for a baby. They had multiple miscarriages, she had fertility treatment in the end, and as soon as the baby was born she realised that she actually hated being a mum and went bac to work when she was just weeks old.

If this had been someone who had fallen pregnant naturally people wouldn't have said anything, but because of the struggles she went through people expressed how terribly sad that was given all she'd been through.

We need to move away from placing this amount of expectation on people.

The 'not them again' comment is at best thoughtless and clumsy, at worst downright bitchy. WTF??
Try to ignore it, hopefully other family members have noticed this snide remark aimed at you.

wannabe i have also read that about pnd and think it isn't at all surprising tbh. I certainly feel like if we should ever get lucky enough to conceive I would feel like I wouldn't be able to complain about the usual newborn trials or anything that comes with having a small child in general. Plus the longing for a baby for so long could quite easily become very rose tinted, if that makes sense? I mean none of us know until we have one but at least if you have only been trying for a few months you might have a more realistic outlook on the good and the bad rather than focussing on the perfect life you will have when you finally have a baby to complete the family

Of course all babies are equally precious and I don't belive anyone parents their child differently because of how they came to be - we all just parent differently as we are individuals!

I do think though that there are additional emotions around babies born after fertility issues. I'm trying to word carefully as I think comments such as those in the op come because of careless speech and a lack of the right words not because anyone truly believes that babies born through assisted conception are more precious.

My ac pregnancy and baby brought relief along with everything else. I think people try to convey that there is this extra emotion - but end up saying ac pregnancies are more precious when that's not what they mean.

Try to see it that way op - your children are of course as precious you yourself just didn't have such a hard road to get them. it's nothing to do with the babies people just don't communicate that we'll

My baby was born after ivf and a stillbirth and after he was born I did feel that I was always expected to be 'grateful' and not moan if I had no sleep. I don't think anyone else had that expectation of me but I did put that on myself.