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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated by the suggestion that their impending ivf baby is 'more precious'?

252 replies

DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 19:10

DH and I have been very lucky in the fertility stakes and I have conceived two babies easily in the past two years and carried both to term.

A couple of other family members have unfortunately experienced miscarriages and BIL and his wife have recently conceived after 2+ years of infertility and treatment. We are obviously thrilled for them. They've always been very supportive and involved with our kids and we hope to return the favour.

But another member of DH's family has made several comments over Christmas about how great it is that BIL and his wife are the ones having a baby 'and not DH and Dorothea again'. Also how extra 'precious' and 'loved' this new baby will be.

We only have 2! And I am really irritated by the insinuation that we have jumped the queue by having a second while they were trying unsuccessfully or that our babies are less precious because they were easily conceived.

Didn't say anything obviously Smile but can't see the need for these divisive comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
DorotheaHomeAlone · 26/12/2016 22:01

Mehf Thanks. That's pretty much how I feel. I'm not normally a very sensitive soul. But when you're holding a flesh and blood baby in your lap and someone is suggesting they're less 'precious' and insinuating their existence is some sort of awful etiquette breach I think as their mum it's understandable to feel defensive for them.

OP posts:
Mouthofmisery · 26/12/2016 22:09

i realise my opinion is controversial but I really have seen bigger problems for families and individuals and seen people deal with them a lot more soundly when it would be all too easy to throw it in everyone else's face. Miscarriages are 1/4 or pregnancies. I don't know many people who haven't had any and still birth is another category all together there is an actual loss there, not just a perceived one.

Skatingonthinice16 · 26/12/2016 22:17

I have two children. The first easily conceived first month of trying.

The second after four years of trying, four unsuccessful rounds of IVF, told to give up hope. Then a natural conception.
I held my breath all the way through that pregnancy. I hold my breath now she's here. She was never meant to be here and I never thought she'd be here and it feels all the time like she could be snatched away at any second. She is too good to be true.
She is no more loved that ds but yes, I feel differently about her. I am more protective of her definitely. I am more anxious over her. People always say you are more relaxed with subsequent dc but I have not been.

Prior to having treatment I would have said yanbu but now having experienced it it is different. Not more precious, not more loved, but less sure, less certain.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2016 22:21

Miscarriages are 1/4 or pregnancies. I don't know many people who haven't had any and still birth is another category all together there is an actual loss there, not just a perceived one.

Are you saying miscarriage is just a perceived loss? That because a quarter of pregnancies end like that it doesn't matter? Are you totally heartless?

sparechange · 26/12/2016 22:24

mouth
Are you being a gf? I can't actually comprehend anyone being so heartless and horrible

Half of all people will get cancer. By your logic, you shouldn't have any sympathy for anyone who gets cancer because it's so common?
Just vile

Woodacorn · 26/12/2016 22:26

OP have you ever said anything on the spur of the moment that you regretted afterwards? I know I have. Everyone says something stupid at some point I think.
I think your relative was perhaps trying to express how precious a child conceived after years of emotional pain and distress is to the parents. I have lived through that pain myself and like most pain you can't understand it unless you have experienced it yourself. It's just awful.
Try not to take it personally. Be glad for your own precious children and for the fact you have never experienced the pain that your BIL and SIL have.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2016 22:27

And mouthofmisery since when is talking about how painful infertility can be "throwing it in people's faces"? Just because people can face other difficult situations doesn't mean it isn't heartbreaking when you can't have children.

Seriously. If your SIL is a bitch I'm sorry about that. It is totally out of order to extrapolate the way she dealt with her fertility problems to all of us that struggle with this issue.

Hadenoughoftumble · 26/12/2016 22:28

I haven't struggled with infertility and massively sympathise with anyone who has. I was told that dd1 has serious life limiting conditions during pregnancy and may not survive to term. She did and although she is doing well at the moment I know there is a time limit. We don't talk about it and I don't know when it will be but I think about her dying every day and it rips my heart in two.
I also have a 12 week old ds who (as far as we know- I never like to say for definite because I feel I'm jinxing things) is healthy. They are both just as yearned for, special, precious, loved and anything else you can think of!

I feel those comments were completely out of line- it is possible to acknowledge how amazing it is for db and sil to have conceived without bringing anyone else into it.

WantToRunAgain · 26/12/2016 22:37

Are you for real mouthofmisery??? Miscarriage is only a perceived loss??

At what stage of pg are we allowed to grieve then?

Jesus, what a horrible thing to say.

DontSweatTheSmallStuff · 26/12/2016 22:38

No you are not being unreasonable.

All babies/ children are special and precious. This sort of comment is upsetting /annoying because it implies that children of people who conceived easily and naturally aren't. And I say that as someone who fell easily with one and took 4 years with another.

Everyone who's saying "be happy for them". They are - Op has already stated they are "thrilled for them"

And "it isn't about you" no, but op (imho) is quite entitled to be annoyed at the implication that her children are less special / loved just because they were conceived easily, and maybe she knows it's not about her and that's why she venting anonymously on MN instead of to the family and making it a big issue there.

Snatched pencil - " you've already won" seriously?!. It's not a f'ing competition. What a ridiculous comment.

broodypsycho · 26/12/2016 23:10

You have to be objective. Yes but you were slightly peeved by their comments but you don't know about fertility struggles as you've never had problems conceiving. Let me tell you, its horrible. My parents always say when they eventually get a grandchild off me itll be extra special as they know what ive gone through (and going to go through) to have a child. this doesn't mean they will love my future baby more than my 2 year old nephew. They do it to make me feel better and it does. When your infertile and everyone is having children around you, its a mentally and draining process, and you just want to know that when your child eventually comes, everyone will be excited as you are. Don't take it personally or to heart.

Namechangeemergency · 26/12/2016 23:28

mouth you are using your SIL as an excuse for your unreasonable and unpleasant attitudes towards people coping with infertility and miscarriage.

MC may be common but each one is a personal loss. How big a loss it is determined by the person who has experienced it not by statistics.

Some women may shrug, feel sad and move on, others may never fully recover. Both reactions (and all in between) are valid.

Its not for you to decide on behalf of those of us who have lost a child who is deserving of sympathy.

haveacupoftea · 26/12/2016 23:32

YANBU. It is this type of attitude that makes some mums really overbearing, and the kids end up as special snowflakes. It does nobody any good.

WantToRunAgain · 26/12/2016 23:46

Haveacupoftea, my DC1 was an IVF baby, he's not a "special snowflake", but I do think my experience of pg was very very different to those friends of mine who conceived naturally.

Reading many of these posts makes me realise what a gulf of understanding there is between women who conceive easily and those who struggle. I encountered this lack of understanding many times in RL and these comments just remind me of that time.

Walk a mile in my shoes, etc, etc

KittensWithWeapons · 26/12/2016 23:47

'Agree with OP. Have had similar comments and accusations from SIL who has had fertility issues. It makes me really cross and I now have very little sympathy for people struggling with fertility purely because of her attitude'.

Jesus fucking Christ. So because your SIL is annoying, you have no sympathy for someone like me? 5 MCs, very little chance of ever having a baby. Each loss cut me to the bone. I'm a bit of a wreck, just spent Christmas with my beautiful nephew, who I adore, and am now at home, in a house with no babies, weeping over what I'll probably never have. Fuck off.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2016 23:48

Flowers kittens.

KittensWithWeapons · 27/12/2016 00:04

Thanks Purple. I didn't mean to make it all about me. Every minute spent with my nephew is wonderful, but it also further reinforces the pain.

DorotheaHomeAlone, I'm sure that your children are very precious and loved, by all your family. It's just that, if you conceived easily both times, you probably don't understand the heartache and pain. If DP and I ever manage to have a baby, it'll not be loved any more than my sister's baby. But there might be a bit more cheering, just because it's been such a long, hard journey for us.

WantToRunAgain · 27/12/2016 00:06

Kittens, my heart goes out to you. It truly is a cruel cruel pain Sad

FizzySweeties · 27/12/2016 00:23

But this isn't about OP having to take it on the chin because she hasn't had fertility issues.

Nor is it that she is unsympathetic to BIL and his wife and their fertility struggles whatsoever.

It's not about IVF versus natural conception!

Nor does she have any axe to grind with BIL and wife and vice versa.

It's about one of her DH's family making unwarranted, unnecessary comment that is not just focused on how happy they all are for BIL and wife but is actively putting down/using OP and her children to step on to make a comparison in terms of preciousness.

That is what OP's issue is. It's the interfering family member who she is cross with, not BIL or his DW or their pregnancy or anything else.

KittensWithWeapons · 27/12/2016 00:26

Thanks so much, WantToRunAgain, that's very kind of you. It really is awful.

I so agree with your previous post. People who haven't been through pregnancy loss / infertility will never understand. And rightly so. I'm glad they'll never understand.

Kel1234 · 27/12/2016 00:44

I can see why it must of been upsetting for you to hear that. But how a baby is conceived really makes no difference at all. I'm sure their baby will be just as loved as your 2.
Though I can also see how they may have felt that you have 2 and they struggled to conceive.
(I'm not a fan of short age gaps personally, but still, that's just me)

WantToRunAgain · 27/12/2016 00:47

"How a baby is conceived makes no difference at all". But it does to those who've been through it.

Kittens, no, it's not a pain I'd wish on my worst enemy and Christmas was always the hardest time of all for those who are involuntarily childless Flowers

mummyplus7 · 27/12/2016 02:43

I am expecting number 8 and I would also be furious with similar remarks.
Your special event isn't any less special because another couple have had trouble getting pregnant. Not your problem at all.

Original poster
DorotheaHomeAlone · 27/12/2016 07:25

Fizzy thanks. That's exactly it. I'm very pleased for the parents-to-be as I always am when I hear about a much wanted pregnancy. I understand that there is an extra excitement when it's been a tricky journey but I cannot understand the point of introducing comparisons between babies. Especially wrt how loved and precious they are.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2016 07:46

You don't understand the point op - as you have never had infertility problems or mc etc

Until you have walked in those shoes then people just can't understand why an ivf baby may be more precious

Coz it's taken so long to get preg (ivf) / stay preg (in mc)

They are not saying it's more loved

Just took a lot more time and emotional and mental effort - and possible huge financial cost to the couple