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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked to 'borrow DP'

264 replies

Ohdearducks · 21/12/2016 00:26

Tell me please AIBU to be fucking livid with my 'friend'? she's been having problems with her EXP over their 3 DCs.
She called me this evening to ask if DP will be busy on Saturday (err it's Christmas EveHmm) and could she 'borrow' him. I asked her what for and she very brazenly told me that she's having problems with the kids Dad and could he come over for when he picks up the children as their dad is racist and will hate the sight of a 'big black bloke' in his house! She seemed so smug and pleased with herself about the idea. I was so stunned I couldn't speak for a minute, I then just very curtly said 'DP is busy on Saturday and put the phone down.'
I've now had two texts asking "are you ok?" and "are you ignoring me?"
I'm trying to resist the urge to call her back and tell her she's a racist, using twat!
What the fuck?! She wants to subject my DP to a possible racist verbal attack and have her kids witness that all for the sake of winding the guy up? Angry

OP posts:
user1480946351 · 21/12/2016 13:07

being born white dosnt give you an advantage over people with colour. I'm in My 50's and no one I know had ever thought that way. People are people at the end of the day

How the hell would you know, if you're white? Easy for you to say everyone is the same. If you're in your 50's, what the hell do you think the race riots throughout the 1980's were about? Were "people just people" then?

MiddleClassProblem · 21/12/2016 13:11

being born white dosnt give you an advantage over people with colour. I'm in My 50's and no one I know had ever thought that way.

How do you know? You're not in their heads and may not have noticed or been in a situation where it came up. It's not always verbalised, particularly to other people of the same colour. I assured you it does happen and surprised you have never heard of it happening in your 50 plus years as it was prevalent during the first few decades to say the least!

MrsMattBomer · 21/12/2016 13:16

God that's insane.

Although I must admit I did find it hilarious when we were having trouble with a really racist postman for a while and then my black best friend came to stay for a couple of weeks. He shut up after that and then changed routes pretty quickly!

Not that it really bothered my friend, he's heard worse before.

But yeah, to ask for your DP for that specific reason is shitty.

QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 13:29

The moment you were born white, you had an insidious default advantage over other people of colour.

Exactly. None of us white people have ever been any other way. We just dont know what it is like to be any other way. We cant therefore very well say we're not at an advantage. We've never been on the other side.

ohfourfoxache · 21/12/2016 13:34

Well done for sending such a calm text - you're a better person than I am!

Namechangeemergency · 21/12/2016 13:34

being born white dosnt give you an advantage over people with colour. I'm in My 50's and no one I know had ever thought that way
I am the same generation as you and I know this to be bollocks.
Having been in a mixed race relationship for almost 30 years I could tell you of a hundred incidents that illustrate the privileged my white skin gives me over my black husband.

The ability to drive home after work without being pulled over on at least a weekly basis is just one.

Its like saying 'people are people at the end of the day it doesn't make a difference if you are born male or female' Hmm

Morphene · 21/12/2016 13:41

I hear the 'but I worked so hard for what I got' response to the concept of white male privilege so often....

I find it helps to point out that no one is saying white males don't work for what they get. What we are saying is that a woman who works just as hard has less chance of getting the same reward...and a person of colour has less chance still...and a woman of colour has almost no chance at all.

The white males worked for it....its just the rest of us are also working our asses off and we aren't getting anywhere half so fast.

SleightOfMind · 21/12/2016 13:45

That is genuinely jaw dropping. Her poor children!
Really want to know about the previous batshittery you mentioned now though. She sounds off the scale.

user1481838270 · 21/12/2016 13:55

Equality seems like oppression to those who have lived their lives in blind privilege.

On reading this thread, it's fairly obvious that some people are either very dimwitted.

user1481838270 · 21/12/2016 13:56

Equality seems like oppression to those who have lived their lives in blind privilege.

On reading this thread, it's fairly obvious that some people are either very blind or very dimwitted.

Justaboy · 21/12/2016 14:00

Gawd the things you read on here .. sometimes;!!

Gallavich · 21/12/2016 14:00

Being white doesn't confer blanket privilege over all non white people
Being white means you have a structural advantage over non white people in your equivalent demographic (e.g. Same sex, education opportunities, socio economic profile)
An upper middle class black person has some advantages over a working class white person but that white person will also be less likely to be imprisoned for the same crime or stopped and searched whilst driving etc. And in America that privileged black person js still more likely to be shot and killed in the street by a police officer than the poor white person.
Privilege matters and it exists. People who 'can't see it' inevitably benefit from it whilst being too obtuse to notice it.

Original poster
Ohdearducks · 21/12/2016 14:02

She's replied!

"I'm concerned by your reaction to what was an entirely innocent request. I will call you when I get home from work."

Erm no poisonous witch, you won't because, blocked!

No realisation or reflection, no understanding of her actions and no apology, blocked, blocked, blocked!Angry

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 21/12/2016 14:05

Yep, text her the link. Ask her if her Ex hates Eastern Europeans too? I could pimp my DH out for a large fee. I don't know if I'm more gobsmacked about her trying to start a fight in front of her children, or the casual racism. What an ignorant, Ill educated and revolting excuse for a female/mother.

QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 14:06

OP I am so sorry. But the silver lining is, at least you found this out about her.

Now dont dignify her with and answer ever again. Im sure you wont though

QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 14:07

I hope her children dont adopt this vile prejudice.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/12/2016 14:09

As suspected. I don't think she would get it. I matter how hard you told her, maybe after a few hours...

akittencalledjesus · 21/12/2016 14:11

"No, you will not contact me. If you are really this oblivious to how wrong your request was then we aren't a good fit as friends."

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 21/12/2016 14:11

"Entirely innocent"? Shock I don't think so!

QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 14:16

I wouldnt reply. Any reaction is a reaction and the last thing OP wants is to get drawn into this with her.

She is ignorant and racist and just doenst get it.

Original poster
Ohdearducks · 21/12/2016 14:18

No I'm not replying, not wasting another second on her! I only wish I'd blocked her sooner, when I think about the support I've given her, the baby sitting (always some excuse when I asked her to reciprocate) the amount of times she's turned up on my doorstep with some sob story to disguise the fact she was trying to manipulate me in to doing a favour. I could bloody kick myself!

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 21/12/2016 14:18

She actually thinks you're jealous and thought she fancied your DH. 'Purely innocent'. How have you managed to be friends so long?!

MiddleClassProblem · 21/12/2016 14:19

Saw this just now and couldn't help but feel it was apt 😂

Friend asked to 'borrow DP'
Original poster
Ohdearducks · 21/12/2016 14:21

Because I'm a bloody mug Bunnyfuller but no more.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 14:21

Be prepared to have her turn up on your doorstep .....

This is a nightmare.