Friend asked to 'borrow DP'

[Ohdearducks]

Tell me please AIBU to be fucking livid with my 'friend'? she's been having problems with her EXP over their 3 DCs.
She called me this evening to ask if DP will be busy on Saturday (err it's Christmas Eve) and could she 'borrow' him. I asked her what for and she very brazenly told me that she's having problems with the kids Dad and could he come over for when he picks up the children as their dad is racist and will hate the sight of a 'big black bloke' in his house! She seemed so smug and pleased with herself about the idea. I was so stunned I couldn't speak for a minute, I then just very curtly said 'DP is busy on Saturday and put the phone down.'
I've now had two texts asking "are you ok?" and "are you ignoring me?"
I'm trying to resist the urge to call her back and tell her she's a racist, using twat!
What the fuck?! She wants to subject my DP to a possible racist verbal attack and have her kids witness that all for the sake of winding the guy up?

from the title I thought she just wanted to 'borrow' your DP as an extra pair of hands with some work etc, I was ready to say YABU but I'm shocked! YADNBU. Amazed anyone would think it's ok to ask a question like that! I've only read OP's posts so far but great text, I imagine she'll try to make out that you somehow misunderstood but you're definitely in the right OP.

Why are you expecting a reply when you've told her not to contact you?

Possibly because she's met the friend?

Unreasonable and self-absorbed people are usually not good at processing "please don't contact me", although that doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile to say it. I bet she does reply, either with aggrieved self-justification or martyred confusion.

Can't believe what I've just read

Excellent message from you.

What does your DP think about all this?

Why are you expecting a reply when you've told her not to contact you.

Because I have absolutely no doubt that she will completely ignore the no contact request and reply to try and justify her actions.

Your friend did not mean to insult you, so you should not be too harsh on her. She did. By pointing out why she wanted to borrow op's dh on racial basis. The friend understands what the colour of op's dh skin means to her ex.

So punishing a whole group of people, maybe punishing was the wrong word, but holding a whole race of people as racist because of thing they personally had no say in, is in my opinion part of the problem. This sort of comment is why I posted on the baa baa black sheep thread. Having a black friend does not give you access to say what is OK for ethnic minorities. Ever! You are the absolute perfect example of what I meant yesterday.
You absolutely still don't get. She didn't make a mistake. She used ingrained racial history that both her and her ex have knowledge of as a form of threat. She understands what it would do and means. That is why she asked to borrow him. Using his colour as a weapon because it carries a deep rooted meaning that the ex has hatred for. It not because she used the word black. Black is irrelevant here but the combination of the words with history. The perpetuated fear people have for big scary black men. It's the same stupid racial hatred the Americans took to Asia during the war.
She might really need help with scaring her ex off from being violent, but she didn't choose her current white boyfriend to be on the firing line, did she? Her wording does not excuse the intended racist language rooted in racial history of black people wild, aggressive, animalistic and barbaric.

Littleboo I think you might want to consider your friendship with your black friends because I don't think you deserve their friendship. You are not doing them any justice. You don't have their back or have any understanding. What you have written so far shows your ignorance. Telling us that all racist comments made by people because slavery was done by your ancestors and not you should be ignored, knocked me sideways. The fact that someone like you have their head shoved right up their bottom, not seeing the woods for the trees. We are talking about the fear of black people based of race here in this day and age, and you don't see that as racist? Seriously!?
Probably, your big black friend is putting up with it because it's become part of his life and any form of disagreement would cause more problems that good.
Maybe, you should fight for your white rights more often so that we can actually tackle this sort of racist bigotry. You stay silent we won't know where your hiding. There is lots of you about. The worst sort of racist, closeted racists. Why? It's because you never get challenged. " Am not racist but....."
"I have a black friend but...." , "my cousin tenth times removed is married to black Person but .. ".

Let's look at the evidence here:

1. She shacked up with a massive racist and thought that was perfectly OK until he left her.
2. She thinks that elaborate subterfuges to make people jealous, in the manner of a 12 year old, are acceptable.
3. She is crass enough to think that she can 'borrow' a man as a sort of set-dressing accessory simply because he happens to be black.

She is as thick as mince and as sensitive as a wellington boot. I would not be friends with her for a moment longer.

In a nutshell.

And add this:

1. She wanted to do all this on Christmas Eve and ruin Christmas for her kids.

Although I could see that what the friend said was stupid and ignorant, I was struggling to see how it was racist (I'm white and also a bit ignorant)

middleclassproblem explained it very clearly and I'm glad to have been educated. This is why I love Mumsnet, every day you learn something from wiser posters.

Stunned that some people don't think this is racist. She is reducing the OP's husband to a stereotype of 'a big black man' who would be intimidating to her ex. There is also the suggestion that she is hoping her ex will think she is sleeping with said 'big black man', thus playing on stereotype that black men are a sexual threat to white people. It's disgusting and I can totally see why you are angry and upset OP - it's incredibly hurtful to think that a supposed friend thinks of your partner in that fetishistic, two-dimensional way, let alone that she would be prepared to humiliate and potentially put him in harm's way.

DP thinks she's an idiot, he's a bit offended but also glad she's shown her true colours so it's easier to end the friendship, he was getting quite pissed off with her using behaviour.

I have worked hard for what i have. No harder than anyone else but to be told actually, I have this and that because of 'white privilege' is pretty offensive

But you have got there through white privilege. That's an irrefutable, objective fact.

The moment you were born white, you had an insidious default advantage over other people of colour.

That's how our society still is unfortunately. Fingers crossed it'll change within the next generation or so.

Ask if you can borrow her kids to scare carol singers away because they are so ugly.... see how she likes them apples.
She is obviously an ignorant stupid person.
I would rethink my friends.

They're just angry that they can't get away with calling someone a black bastard. When Europeans went to Africa they thought every one there was a bastard because non of them had the sort of Christian marriages they did or legally in their eyes. The African traditional marriage was not recognised and deemed pointless and barbaric.

To make it worse. All the slaves who wanted to marry where technically not properly married. Though slaves could not marry legally, they were allowed to do so by custom with the permission of their owners — and most did. But the wedding vows they recited promised not “until death do us part,” but “until distance” — or, as one black minister bluntly put it, “the white man” — “do us part.
A lot of them used jumping the broom as a form of marriage and it's still used in America as part of the black American weddings. Those who jumped the broom and didn't ask for permission to get married legally by their owners where never considered married and their children bastards.
Tell me again how your friend was not right for being fired littleboo.

polly being born white dosnt give you an advantage over people with colour. I'm in My 50's and no one I know had ever thought that way. People are people at the end of the day. There are good ones and bad ones but I've never felt smug and superior because I was born white? I have however been passed over for promotion because I was a woman. Defiantly not down to mycolour

LittleBoo How many times do people need to tell you that it is not the fact that the 'friend' used the word black that is offensive here? I know a lot of people find it confusing what the right language to use is but I would never assume someone was being racist if they said 'coloured', unless they persisted in doing so after being told they were upsetting/offending someone.

And who said that 'privileged' means 'horrible' or that you need to atone? All that privilege means is that it can be helpful to consider how your position (be that as a white person, a middle class person, a straight person) can influence your perception of a situation and mean that you may need to work harder to consider it from the point of view of a black person/working class person/gay person. We all have different layers of privilege and it's a lifelong learning process to try and understand them.

Grrr auto check 'definitely not down to my colour'

Patricia Privilege doesn't mean that you see yourself as better than others at all. It means that that aspect of your identity (skin colour) is more favoured by the society we live in, so in that respect you face fewer barriers. As your post demonstrates, you can be privileged in one way but discriminated against in another - in this case because of your gender. Respectfully, as white people we are often unaware of how our privilege works, just as men can be unaware of how privileged they are because of their maleness. Does that make sense?

I've never felt smug and superior because I was born white?

That's not what white privilege means. Your whole post completely misses the point.

If you think all the 'good' people are happily trying their best, side by side on a level playing field then you're living in a bubble of blitheness.

Wow I thought it was going to be so he could assemble some gifts, put together a bike or something. I am speechless and think you definitely now have one less 'Friend'.

aliasjoey glad it helped

Just gonna leave this here..
'How to protect white people's feelings in the workplace'

I don't think they are going to get the irony, Sophia

For those genuinely interested, here is a fairly user-friendly introduction to white privilege. alittlemoresauce.com/2014/08/20/what-my-bike-has-taught-me-about-white-privilege/

being born white dosnt give you an advantage over people with colour. I'm in My 50's and no one I know had ever thought that way. People are people at the end of the day. Yes that's the difference. People are people when white. For a black Person you are other. You have to fight be considered people like people. That is what they mean by white privilege.

Take for example, boy vs girl scenario if you understand sexism. One already has an upper hand because the world favours men. Now imagine that this about race. The only difference here is, it's about race. the black person is not human enough for racist. A different species of human. That is the root of racism and how it was sold for it to be accepted. Anytime anyone makes a racist comment, this is what they are implying. You are not human enough for me and you to be equals.

This thread is quite an eye opener. That there are people who really don't have a clue what white privilege means, is in itself a white privilege.