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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked to 'borrow DP'

264 replies

Ohdearducks · 21/12/2016 00:26

Tell me please AIBU to be fucking livid with my 'friend'? she's been having problems with her EXP over their 3 DCs.
She called me this evening to ask if DP will be busy on Saturday (err it's Christmas EveHmm) and could she 'borrow' him. I asked her what for and she very brazenly told me that she's having problems with the kids Dad and could he come over for when he picks up the children as their dad is racist and will hate the sight of a 'big black bloke' in his house! She seemed so smug and pleased with herself about the idea. I was so stunned I couldn't speak for a minute, I then just very curtly said 'DP is busy on Saturday and put the phone down.'
I've now had two texts asking "are you ok?" and "are you ignoring me?"
I'm trying to resist the urge to call her back and tell her she's a racist, using twat!
What the fuck?! She wants to subject my DP to a possible racist verbal attack and have her kids witness that all for the sake of winding the guy up? Angry

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 01:41

OMG. That is unforgiveable. I wouldnt even dignify her with an answer.

And she calls her ex racist?!

Flowers At least you know now what she is like!

SantaClausMortificado · 21/12/2016 01:42

She's also exceptionally stupid as well as offensive.

Even assuming her agenda was racist incitement, it's really not that difficult to come up with a more acceptable manipulative reason.

Ex is coming round, I think he might be violent and I'd really appreciate a man in the house as I think it might deter him

I'm scared he might be agressive and verbally abusive to me in of the children. A male witness he doesn't know could protect them

QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 01:43

Actually tell ger first her comments were racist and unacceptable and remind her it is Christmas Eve.

Then tell her you never want to talk to her again.

SantaClausMortificado · 21/12/2016 01:45

More seriously I think you should tell her what the problem is. Do it face to face or on the phone - not electronically/in writing as you don't want to be the next Daily Mail/look at my text viral story.

But tell her. You are doing her a service by explaining.

YorkiesGlasses · 21/12/2016 01:48

But it would be such a laugh OP! And your partner might end up in hospital or in prison for Christmas. The drama!! The FACEBOOK POSTS!!!

MeetMeAtMidnight · 21/12/2016 01:52

Well, she and her ex don't spoil another pair do they? And she honestly doesn't get what she's done wrong. I can picture her sitting there oblivious, brow all furrowed trying to puzzle it out.

Topseyt · 21/12/2016 01:56

That is awful.

I do think you should tell her exactly how you felt about it. How racist and uncaring it was etc.

She probably thought she was being hilarious and clever. I would bring her crashing back down to earth and then block her for a long time.

SecretBanter · 21/12/2016 02:07

Wow! Brass neck of the woman! But if you've been dithering about this friendship for a while, she's done you a favour!!

Topseyt · 21/12/2016 02:28

Just adding that I would no longer be referring to her as a friend, and I see that you have put it in inverted commas.

She is telling you what an inconsiderate person she really is.

jeeperdoo · 21/12/2016 02:45

If you're at all looking for ways to give friend the benefit of the doubt, however -- one thing that non-people-of-color sometimes do is try to signal their "okayness" with race by making overly-familiar or otherwise inappropriate jokes and references. (Again, making the assumption here that friend identifies as white!) This of course is still a type of racism, but of a different, perhaps less hurtful, kind.

Or it can be a way of establishing the closeness between you and her, like, "We're close enough for it to be safe for me to poke fun at this stereotype or make a joke about this usually-controversial issue."

Not trying to excuse her or minimize the offense you feel. Just giving you a way to cast it as not entirely full-on dickish, if you think it's possible she truly is clueless and worth the effort to set things right with.

ComedyBoobs · 21/12/2016 03:00

Different types of racism don't exist, jeeperdo. Racism is racism, there's no sliding scale.

Anyway ...... hope you feel calmer OP.

AngelaKardashian · 21/12/2016 03:14

If you re educate her, she may be genuinely sorry that she's hurt you and will be more sensitive in future.

I disagree. I don't think it's the job of the people that have been hurt to educate the ignorant. It is far too exhausting to deal with the emotional pain that comes from experiencing racism and to have to educate the racists. One has gotta go!

QueenLizIII · 21/12/2016 03:25

Racism aside: she actually wanted to take your DP away from his family on CHRISTMAS FUCKING EVE just to intimidate her ex. What a cow.

Involving the racism, what she wanted her ex to think she was seeing a black man? How wildly inappropriate. Risking your DP being abused racially infront of her own children, I cant believe anyone would be so stupid and ignorant.

Are your children friends? I would watch that too unless (hopefully) the children dont adopt their parents racist attitudes.

Ipushedmygrannyaffabus · 21/12/2016 03:36

Bloody hell! I thought you were going to be moaning cos she wanted your DP to build up a Xmas toy or something but this is just wrong on so many levels I don't know where to start!

Seriously. I'm speechless!

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2016 03:51

She sounds rather immature and thoughtless. She also sounds very wrapped up in her communication problems with her ex. Her request although bonkers doesn't necessarily make her racist. It sounds as though she may not have the maturity to think it through from your and your partner's POV.

OzzieFem · 21/12/2016 04:06

Just.......stunned!

jeeperdoo · 21/12/2016 04:27

Different types of racism don't exist, jeeperdo. Racism is racism, there's no sliding scale.
Fair enough. Perhaps what I should have said was something more like: Of course this is still racism, but you may feel differently, or imagine different ways of approaching her (if that's what you want to do) if you view it through this sort of lens.

It sounds like she's already been on the fence about this friend, though, and I see no reason why she should want to put any effort into trying to maintain the connection.

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 21/12/2016 04:32

Do you really need us to tell you? YADNBU.

Wishforsnow · 21/12/2016 04:44

Do you think maybe she wanted any bloke and someone big and your DH happens to be black? She is in a bad place I doubt she is looking to offend you

RoseGoldHippie · 21/12/2016 05:36

OPening this thread and reading half way, I thought if she wanted a man in the house when her ex collected the children because she was scared of him or had a history of violence towards her or something, YWBU

Then I read the big black bloke comment..

Gallavich · 21/12/2016 05:56

I would tell her ASAP rather than leave it until after Christmas. I know she's been a dick but ignoring someone is petty. Just tell her and move on.

sashh · 21/12/2016 05:57

OP

That's terrible, but I knew someone who would love to do that for her.

He was a big black bloke (this is relevant) who tried to join the national front, for a laugh.

SabineUndine · 21/12/2016 06:27

Bloody hell. Block her and never speak to her again.

Footinmouthasusual · 21/12/2016 06:52

She's not a friend op and clearly a terrible mother to want to wind up get ex in front of the kids with that potential to kick off.

Don't waste abr more time and energy on her and block her phone.

Enjoy Christmas

Passthecake30 · 21/12/2016 06:58

I agree that it's a terrible thing to say. But.... does she have form for putting mouth before brain? If she does, and you usually accept this part of her personality I'd explain what she said wrong and give her another chance. I have in the past said some stupid things due to naivity and appreciated people explaining, even to the point of being blunt, than cutting me right off.