Friend asked to 'borrow DP'

[Ohdearducks]

Tell me please AIBU to be fucking livid with my 'friend'? she's been having problems with her EXP over their 3 DCs.
She called me this evening to ask if DP will be busy on Saturday (err it's Christmas Eve) and could she 'borrow' him. I asked her what for and she very brazenly told me that she's having problems with the kids Dad and could he come over for when he picks up the children as their dad is racist and will hate the sight of a 'big black bloke' in his house! She seemed so smug and pleased with herself about the idea. I was so stunned I couldn't speak for a minute, I then just very curtly said 'DP is busy on Saturday and put the phone down.'
I've now had two texts asking "are you ok?" and "are you ignoring me?"
I'm trying to resist the urge to call her back and tell her she's a racist, using twat!
What the fuck?! She wants to subject my DP to a possible racist verbal attack and have her kids witness that all for the sake of winding the guy up?

Implication, not imitation.

sixth

I agree and disagree while rare, I think white people who are the victim of racism is played down. Because society seems to send a message that's its one way. I'm prepared to be jumped on for this but in my experience it's proven the case. All be it on a small case for instance, my first job.

Two colleges were segueing over a disagreement outside of work which spilled over into work. We were all under 20 at the time.

The white one was called white trash.
The black one was called a black bast*rd.

The white one was sacked. The black one was given a disciplinary which resulted in a warning. Racism is racism. And I believed, as did many others they both should have received the same punishment for the incident.

Yeah, there's no history associated with white people just casually assuming they can use Black people for their own convenience, obviously.

I suggest people don't bother engaging LittleBoo on the subject any further; there's none so blind as those that will not see.

OP, I think it's up to you whether you end the relationship and simply don't respond, or tersely tell her that she's been racist and insensitive. No doubt she'll go around wailing that she simply doesn't understaaaaaand what she did wrong either way.

I refuse to atone for sines I didn't commit. I have sympathy and look back at the actions of most of history in horror. But I will not be assumed that I'm a horrible person just because I was born white. A fact I had no control over. That's a strange notion.

It's a very strange notion indeed and actually not what anyone is actually saying

No one is saying that you are horrible because you are white, just that white people have a bit of a head start on life in general. I don't feel that I have anything to atone for and I very much doubt my own ancestors do either (seem to be mostly agricultural labourers...doubt any of them owned very much at all, let alone slaves!) but as a white person living in the UK today I recognise that I have certain privileges. It's not my "fault" and I don't feel guilty about it but there it is...

How the hell did this thread turn from a white woman wanting to borrow a human being to perpetuate the myth of the hyper sexualised black male and to use him to upset her ex (because what could be worse than your missus banging a black bloke?) into white people whining about how difficult racism is for them?

FFS.

Thanks for your input everyone, I'm still reading through but haven't read all replies yet.
Just to add, this isn't the first problem I've had with her, there's quite a list of poor behaviour on her part that I've made allowances for due to her having a tough time of it over the past few years (actually since I met her which is almost 4 years ago) but I just can't keep doing it anymore, I can't keep giving and giving and getting nothing back, that's not a friendship is it?
She's draining and honestly a user by nature I only hear from her when she wants something. I should have opened my eyes to it a long time ago but I'm too soft and hate to see people struggle alone. (I'm now realising why She's alone.)

Umm... wouldn't your friend's ex recognise your DP? Seeing as you're friends and all.

Interesting post.

sarah where did I say there's no history...

As I said OP, you get to decide what is and isn't acceptable for you and your DP. If you feel you need to end the friendship over this then that's your choice. I just offered another explanation, that what is acceptable varies across the board people to people. Across cultures. Maybe she'd have apologised and not realised her mistake which could be possible.

It seems that on most topics if your not singing from the same hymn sheet your branded as something and ignored because it's easier to feel superior than actually engaged in a conversation with someone with opposing views. Healthy debate can solve issues. And tbh I think it's seriously lacking in today's society.

We've got the your wrong, that means your an arsehole. So go away mentality down to a tee. And we're all guilty of it even me at times.

All I'm saying is it seems rash to brand someone a racist, without first checking the facts of what and why. But i understand that's a far cry from the favoured way of dealing with it.

How the hell did this thread turn from a white woman wanting to borrow a human being to perpetuate the myth of the hyper sexualised black male and to use him to upset her ex (because what could be worse than your missus banging a black bloke?) into white people whining about how difficult racism is for them?

Don't you know, namechange, racism against white people is the REAL problem. Also black people not taking enough time to "educate" white people.

What exactly are the mitigating factors in racism apart from the fact you're being a racist.

Namechangeergency: quite!!!

LittleBoo: that anecdote doth not data make. Look at the Home Office stats on racially based assaults.

But while you are conjecturing on the thoughts of the friend, do you actually see why she might need her awareness widening and deepening? Or are you yourself still seeing this as a problem if mere manners and referring to the OPs DH as black?

How the hell did this thread turn from a white woman wanting to borrow a human being to perpetuate the myth of the hyper sexualised black male and to use him to upset her ex (because what could be worse than your missus banging a black bloke?) into white people whining about how difficult racism is for them?

Goodness only knows

Have just got to the posts saying maybe she just wanted a man there for safety and realised I probably should have added that she does have a boyfriend but he doesn't live with her, so I suppose she could have asked him if that was the case but then she's not been seeing him long and possibly didn't want to involve him yet? he's not black though so probably not much use for antagonising her ex.

Because it always happens when one GF posts nonsense and nobody can help trying to set them right.

Your never going to stop racism if one group of people feel there constantly paying for sins of there ancestors.

Oh you poor things.

Honestly, people never fail to amaze me.

Nope that isn't a friendship and that isn't something a friend should say or ask you and your DH to do. At best she sounds incredibly unaware and selfish and at worst, racist, out of touch on many levels and very immature.

Littleboo, which bit of "I want to borrow your man because he's black and my ex hates black people" are you not seeing as racist? It's not a misunderstanding. There is no way to make those words mean something else other than she wants to exploit another human being for her own ends because he is black.

This has nothing to do with your particular grudge that you feel you are paying for the sins of your forefathers and somehow this woman deserves sympathy because you think she is too.

Yeah, I know, don't engage and probably wasting my time, but maybe something will penetrate that thick fog of aggrieved self-righteousness.

itold thank you for the explanation. I agree to some extent with your definition but that as I'm sure most people can agree the term 'white privilege' is a little bit inflammatory.

I don't want people to think that my skin has made me who I am. Because actually I have worked hard for what i have. No harder than anyone else but to be told actually, I have this and that because of 'white privilege' is pretty offensive.

I and others can't help how there life has turned out, and being told that everything I have, is because I'm white.

I, personally and intentionally, have never ever ever held myself in higher esteem than any other person regardless of any factor. So I think it's a little offensive.

Call a racist a racist, by all means.
Don't make one race of people feel inferior because of something that is beyond there control.

Like feminism - 'white privilege' is at risk of going OTT because all of heard about the topic is extreme people blaming a whole race just because. Which I think is not a positive step forward.

We need to work on being equal and stop this blaming of people because, it won't help. Maybe more people would speak out but it's such a Mine filed that your at risk of being branded as something your not. If you say something that doesn't match word for word the point others are making.

YADNBU. Bloody hell at first I thought maybe to put a shelf up or move heavy furniture. That is one "friend" you could do without.

LittleBoo - you said upthread that you think debating with people who have opposing views is healthy. So do I. If you really want to carry on debating this then I suggest you go and do some reading on white privilege and then we can carry on, because at the moment you are making a whole load of assumptions about what you think it is, rather that what it actually is which makes any meaningful debate on the subject impossible.
I'm done until then. Cheers.

Urgh op this kind of ugly racism is worse than in your face "I hate blacks".
How revolting. "Tell you what will piss my ex off, your big black husband".
Cut her off. You don't owe her an explanation, but you're 100% in the right.

Also pp above- "white trash" means nothing in the UK, the whole trailer park culture is an American insult and I don't believe for a second someone found that offensive. They're just angry that they can't get away with calling someone a black bastard. The two will never be equal because black peoples are stilll treated as sub humans by society as a whole. You're at a huge disadvantage being born black.

I agree to some extent with your definition but that as I'm sure most people can agree the term 'white privilege' is a little bit inflammatory.

Okay, I'm starting to think LittleBoo is actually a comedy genius.

Comedyboos

I have to disagree with you there, I think that there are different kinds of racism.

Where something comes from is very important.

Some one who actively hates and persecutes people is of much worse moral standing than someone who has made insensitive comments made through genuine ignorance (not referring to the ops non-friend)

It's is still racist to make insensitive comments without grasping why they would be hurtful but it doesn't necessarily (IMO) make you a bad person.
Although you only get one shot at this, you get it pointed out to you one time, then it's on you to go out and educate yourself

OP What a horrid thing for your "friend" to ask!!

Using the colour of your DH's skin to try and piss her racist ex off is absolutely vile. If I was in your position, I'd calmly (as far as possible) explain why she's totally out of order and then block her.

EnoughAlreadyLady

My DP and I have never met him, they divorced and he moved away before I became friends with her.