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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Would you try someone else's wedding dress on?

213 replies

WinterIsHereJon · 16/12/2016 07:35

I'm getting married next year. Bought my dress a couple of months ago, and it's been living at my mums house away from where DP could see it. I was talking to my gran last night, who accidentally let slip that when she last came to visit both my mum and my sister tried my dress on for fun. I'm really upset and angry; it's supposed to be special but sort of feels less so now somehow. My mum and I have now fallen out as it was "just a bit of fun". I can't believe they would think it was ok! AIBU or overreacting?

OP posts:
joseyjo79 · 17/12/2016 01:07

YANBU

It's not just a dress. It's a huge part of your wedding day and is special to you. I'm sure they realise now that they have upset you, but try and move past it. its not worth a feud over x

Bogeyface · 17/12/2016 04:04

Its not just special to the bride either. I remember every wedding I have been to and everyone wants to see The Dress. Its a big part of it! When I was a child and weddings were still old school, you would try to catch a glimpse of the bridesmaids outside the church and guess what The Dress was like.

I suspect that the "get over it, it was just a bit of fun" was because the mother knows that it was unacceptable but doesnt want to admit it.

I have to admit that I would be checking my finances to see if I could buy another....

MummyTheGregor · 17/12/2016 08:30

YANBU that's appalling of your mother..... I can imagine mine doing the same.....

Purple52 · 17/12/2016 08:41

I'd be p'd off.
Especially with a wedding dress. But with pretty much any clothes. You just don't go through trying on other people stuff without then knowing about it!!

But you also need to get over it! Or it'll put a dampener on your big day! And the day is just the beginning of so much more!!! - & there'll be plenary of other things in life to annoy you!! Hope you have a fab day. x

BigGrannyPants · 17/12/2016 08:45

YANBU a part from anything else it wasn't theirs and they didn't have permission. Also they hid it from you so they knew they were doing something wrong. They owe you a massive apology. I know it seems like the dress isn't the same now, but honestly when you put it on, on the morning of your wedding, you won't be thinking about your mum or your sister wearing it. They do have some major grovelling to do though. Weddings are always the cause of families and friends falling out, sometimes permanently, so try not to let it colour the whole experience and forgive them, although I know that won't be easy but you will be a happier person for it.

CaggieMWFF · 17/12/2016 09:18

They obviously knew it would upset you or your sister or mum would have said something or maybe asked you first. I'm sad that they can understand why you're upset... the should apologise. But, do you really want fallout with your family in the build up to the wedding! No! I hope they will listen to you of you explain how it made you feel. You understand they maybe didn't think about thier actions beyond having some fun.... however they must acknowledge that they upset you. I hope you can move past this!

GreatGardenstuff · 17/12/2016 09:20

YANBU. I'd be really upset too.

Having said that, it's done now and if you want your mum and sister to be with you and enjoy your day, then you need to draw a line. Can you tell them you're not happy and ask then to apologise. Then move on.

BabySnores · 17/12/2016 09:36

Yanbu op.

They kept it secret which meant they knew it would upset you, rather than asking.

They then didn't apologise but instead tried to make you feel precious by arguing it was just fun.

They should have asked first and respected your choice for your property. Since they didn't they should have apologised not tried to justify.

I wouldn't mind if someone asked and tried mine on unless they damaged it but I would mind if they didn't ask. I would be upset if someone hid and then tried to say my upset was unjustified or stupid when they knew I'd be upset with what they were doimg- they essentially did on purpose something they knew would upset.

Shesinfashion · 17/12/2016 10:17

I'd be pissed off. It's a very special dress, your special dress and your sister shouldn't have put it on and no doubt flounced around in it. Cheeky cow.

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 17/12/2016 12:10

Hi OP. Just popping by to let you know we've zapped your extra 'on' from the title now. Just didn't want you to think you'd imagined it!

Jiggl · 17/12/2016 14:49

My sister tried on mine when we picked it up and brought it home to her house. But it was at my suggestion and she is and was incredibly careful with it. I tried on hers too, but she was already married so it was cleaned and boxed up.

I'm not heavily into symbolism or any of that. But part of the pleasure you get from a beautiful item of clothing is the pleasure you get putting it on for the first time. It's at the discretion of the owner to let someone try it before they get to properly wear it.

They hid it from you because they knew they were out of order. If shes your bridesmaid you should pick something awful for her to wear as payback.

BlurryFace · 17/12/2016 16:31

YANBU. It wouldn't occur to me to try such a thing on in case of popping a stitch/treading on a hem, it seems a bit disrespectful.

puglife15 · 17/12/2016 16:42

Tbh if someone tried on a "normal" dress of mine without asking I'd be a bit pissed off if I found out.

scottishdiem · 17/12/2016 17:05

I dont buy into symbolism or viewing certain things as special but I am totally on board with the fact that other people do. This is a horrendous breach of trust to be honest. I cant see why they do not accept that this was a very bad thing to do.

BahHumbug16 · 17/12/2016 18:58

•cantmakeme• Seriously?

•rosegoldhippie• I would have been FURIOUS at someone else trying on MY wedding ring! It's a bond between a husband and wife that means no-one can break them, it stands for eternal love. Thats the point of them!

Also OP YANBU that's YOUR dress to get married in, WTF were they thinking? I'd be mad too. Don't let them talk you down, make them apologise!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/12/2016 19:23

"I dont buy into symbolism or viewing certain things as special but I am totally on board with the fact that other people do. This is a horrendous breach of trust to be honest. I cant see why they do not accept that this was a very bad thing to do."

Scottishdiem is clearly demonstrating how a decent person thinks and acts. You don't have to share the OP's feelings about her dress to respect them and not wear the dress.

Her mum and sister should know her well enough to have a good idea how she'd feel about this, and that makes what they did nastier, IMO.

BananaThePoet · 17/12/2016 20:09

The really sad thing about this is that either the OP's mum and sister don't know their daughter/sister well enough to know it would upset her or they did know and didn't care.

That is heartbreaking and I am so sorry for WinterIsHereJon to be in this situation.

It isn't so much the dress as the dreadful lack of caring from people who should be supportive relations. Sad

menditdearhenry · 17/12/2016 20:36

YANBU at all OP, and I also think that what werk said upthread sums it up perfectly. OP you could ask your mum and sister to pay to have your dress sent away to be professionally cleaned before the wedding (can't remember the cost offhand, I think about £150-£200 unless it's very beaded). If it were me I think this would help me get my head around it a bit better, even if they didn't get foundation/deodorant/body lotion etc. on the dress.

apringle · 17/12/2016 20:47

That's really disrespectful of them.

Fabulosososo · 17/12/2016 22:10

Shock assholes! Unless they apologise profusely, dont involve them in anything else to do with the wedding and remove dress from DMs house asap.

swelchphr · 17/12/2016 23:09

I think you're being slightly unreasonable. I would have been upset because of the "what if" (it ripped, stained, etc), but thankfully it didn't. I'd be mad, but I wouldn't let it ruin my relationship with them. It was a bad decision on their part.

RockyBird · 18/12/2016 02:04

I'd be fucked off beyond belief Angry

LouisvilleLlama · 18/12/2016 02:21

I always find the big hullabaloo about wedding dress abut OTT YABU

aurynne · 18/12/2016 09:16

I am sure none of you would think it was ok to wear an item of clothing from a remote tribe who is meant only to be worn by a bride "just for fun", it would be seen as incredibly culturally offensive and disrespectful.

Please treat your own culture with the same respect.

Personally, I don't place much importance on specific objects, but i wouldn't have imagined wearing anyone else's new wedding dress, let alone when it was entrusted to me in confidence. How anybody cannot see the issue with this is beyond me.

treaclesoda · 18/12/2016 10:16

I posted early in the thread saying that it wouldn't particularly bother me because even when I was getting married I didn't see any huge significance in my dress. And to be honest I don't really get why people are so invested in the sanctity of the dress.

But I should have added that I would never ever try on someone else's dress without their permission. I wouldn't even try on someone's cardigan without their permission. Because it's not my property and as such I don't get to choose what to do with it.