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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop sending money to ungrateful brats???

286 replies

ThePeoplesChamp · 12/12/2016 20:49

Every year I've sent Christmas money to my neices and nephews. Last 2 years I've reduced this slightly as it was costing me a fortune at the £ per kid. Close to £400 just on this part of Chistmas.

There is a view that because I work and the parents dont, and that I dont have kids that I am 'posh' ...... and, as such should be simply thrilled at handing over the money.

But heres the rub, in the 10+ years I've been doing this I've yet to receive so much as a thank you or even a Christmas card in return. And - its almost become a 'demand' - I remember one night having to leave a (pre)Christmas meal out to dash out to give my DB the money as 'the kids would like it early so they can buy what theyd like' he literally rang and rang and rang until I left the restaurant to stroppily hand over £100 for his kids.

I've been with DH 4 years and half of the nieces and neplhews have ever met him, such is their lack of interest at seeing us unless its to collect ££.

WIBU to just stay at home with DH, leave the ££ in the bank and sod the lot of them?

OP posts:
weresquirrel · 13/12/2016 12:43

Hope your brothers remember to send a gift for your baby!

Please don't give them any more money. You have given them plenty already.

MaddieElla · 13/12/2016 12:45

Are you going to tell them beforehand that you will not be sending gifts this year?

Like, today?

(Really want to see what their reaction is!)

You are totally not being unreasonable.

BlueFolly · 13/12/2016 15:07

It would be reasonable to warn them I would think.

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 13/12/2016 16:00

Also personally I think the children has never seen any of the money.

comingintomyown · 13/12/2016 16:38

To warn them ? Jeez I love threads like these I mean who actually rings someone up demanding to collect presents and £50 each !!!

Seriously don't give them anything un fucking believable .

FrancisCrawford · 13/12/2016 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2016 17:17

Nope, no warning. I'm sure there will be an angry phone call, but why start that shit storm yourself? I sure wouldn't!

As I said upthread, I think I'd warn your parents so they aren't blindsided by your siblings calling them and giving them shit about you.

Haffdonga · 13/12/2016 17:31

It is the parents' fault though isn't it? So only fair that the dcs learn why.

I would put a brief message in a christmas card. just to let you know, I'm not going to be giving Christmas money this year xxx . If you get asked why then you can say you've decided not to do it any more as you have had very few thank yous.

If you say nothing the dcs wont understand why and won't thank anybody in the future.

IfonlyIknewtherightthingtodo · 13/12/2016 17:42

I've had a similar situation to this but cousins a couple of years younger. Saved meagre pocket money for thoughtful gifts that were never reciprocated (and I didn't really notice and certainly didn't mind) it was only when I was newly married and REALLY hardup that I overheard one complain about where I had purchased gift 'Boots 3 for 2 again' comment. That was the last year I did it and I've never regretted stopping.

MrEBear · 13/12/2016 17:48

I think it would be easier for the op to give prior warning either by email, text, or phone call than to wait for DB to call demanding the cash. It would certainly not do any harm for Ops parents to be able to back her up.

DearyDearyDeary · 13/12/2016 17:51

They have taken the p**s for long enough, so it's your turn - send a card with a 50p piece for each of the brats. Blame austerity, Brexit, Trump and all that

MyPeriodFeatures · 13/12/2016 17:55

Wow. I can't bear this. As a child we were taught always to write thank you cards. On occasion I forgot and I feel terrible about it!

I have step nieces and nephew. They never say thank you. Niece 22 borrowed my house rent free for 6 months as she was in crisis.

I asked her to baby sit one night as I had a VIP work function with a celeb.... she didn't show, I went to my house to find her, she answered door stoned and said she was too ill to baby sit. She left my house in a shit tip then refused to speak to me for a month after she left because apparently it was out of order for me to go in the property while her things were there. (I'd asked her for access for 6 weeks as I needed builders to assess for work)

There are people who have chaotic lives, are forgetful, are a bit useless - I have on occasion been that.

Then there are people who are downright rude. Families who don't instill basic manners into their kids are unfortunately setting a precedent for those kids to become crappy adults.

That family will only get cards from me this year. I love them but their lack of reciprocity in all areas is tedious now.

MyPeriodFeatures · 13/12/2016 17:56

Buy a goat for Africa on their behalf!

londonrach · 13/12/2016 17:57

Love to see the update on this on db realises money wont be coming.

thecatsarecrazy · 13/12/2016 18:12

My dad used to send my niece and nephew £100 each, never got a thankyou. One year my niece left the cheque in her handbag and lost it. My brother sent a text saying can you send another. Dad just sends £25 now, I wouldn't even bother with that they are 17 and 18 now, my brother recently got married and they couldn't be bothered to talk to dad brother excused their behaviour but I thought at that age it was pretty rude.

mya83 · 13/12/2016 19:04

.

user1471545174 · 13/12/2016 19:18

You've been way too nice, OP, please stop giving money to these ungrateful people! Card only.

I wouldn't explain either. I'd wait to be asked Grin

RubyWinterstorm · 13/12/2016 22:43

People on here are a bit naughty, trying to get you to flounce.

More fun (drama) for them Hmm

But I guess you'd be better off to downsize presents this year to £20, maybe explain to your brother you are saving up for baby, bit don't want the kids to miss out.

Maybe send them a card and a voucher (of their special preferred shop) instead of handing over cash to brother.

Don't make the explanation lengthy. The less you explain, the less you have to defend your decision.

That's what I would do

Then next year evaluate again

Scottishchick39 · 14/12/2016 16:45

Following as I can't wait to hear what happens!

BringMeTea · 14/12/2016 16:51

Why on earth should the OP NOT desist right now? One good reason why she would be wrong to just stop giving gifts/cash?

GladAllOver · 14/12/2016 17:03

Wait a few years until the kids get engaged / married / go on gap years.
They'll be expecting even more cash from you then. Xmas Grin

PaulDacresConscience · 14/12/2016 18:19

People on here are a bit naughty, trying to get you to flounce. More fun (drama) for them

Or alternatively they are telling the OP not to waste money on grabby and ungrateful relatives when she has a baby on the way. So why don't you take that Hmm and give it a Biscuit?

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 18:25

Why did the op give cash to the kids as presents that's so lazy. The excitement of opening up a present. Lets just face it she did cause it herself. You have created this grabby pattern with your brothers family I would cut and run for now. Next year maybe put some thought in to Christmas gifts rather than money. Would you give your child just money for Christmas. Something to think about in the future.

HorridHenryrule · 14/12/2016 18:27

From what I have read you do sound like a mug. Paying off his Christmas debt etc etc. We have helped family but not to that extent. You are letting them take advantage of you.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 14/12/2016 18:35

Take a photo of you handing £400 over to the assistant in Louis Vuitton #treatingmyself # becauseican #loadsamoney

Please please do this!!!

And tag them all on FB.