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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop sending money to ungrateful brats???

286 replies

ThePeoplesChamp · 12/12/2016 20:49

Every year I've sent Christmas money to my neices and nephews. Last 2 years I've reduced this slightly as it was costing me a fortune at the £ per kid. Close to £400 just on this part of Chistmas.

There is a view that because I work and the parents dont, and that I dont have kids that I am 'posh' ...... and, as such should be simply thrilled at handing over the money.

But heres the rub, in the 10+ years I've been doing this I've yet to receive so much as a thank you or even a Christmas card in return. And - its almost become a 'demand' - I remember one night having to leave a (pre)Christmas meal out to dash out to give my DB the money as 'the kids would like it early so they can buy what theyd like' he literally rang and rang and rang until I left the restaurant to stroppily hand over £100 for his kids.

I've been with DH 4 years and half of the nieces and neplhews have ever met him, such is their lack of interest at seeing us unless its to collect ££.

WIBU to just stay at home with DH, leave the ££ in the bank and sod the lot of them?

OP posts:
SixthSenseless · 13/12/2016 08:19

You certainly are vindicated!

Although the ideas for 'sending them a message' are fab, in RL I would maintain the moral high ground and tell them you are stopping, and why (a bit fudged).

Phone your siblings in advance, or message, and say 'just to let you know so that you don't think it's a mistake, I'm cutting back on my Christmas lists this year. I have to save for maternity leave and for stuff for the baby, so I'll just be sending a tub of Quailty Street as a token gift. Also, to be honest, as I never see the kids and never get a thank you it does all feel a bit impersonal so I don't suppose they will miss a present from an aunt they are not in contact with. Also, we'll soon be in a situation where I send £50 to your kid and you send £50
To mine, which is s bit mad. Have a great Christmas! '

Stopping is fine, but you don't need the hassle of a family feud in its place.

Soubriquet · 13/12/2016 08:22

Yes I bet they returned the item to their preferred store for a cash refund

Don't give them a penny and make sure your brother knows you are not bailing him out this year

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/12/2016 08:42

Don't give them money this year. Do give them a gift from Oxfam or the like and in the card explain that you're not giving them money as you need to start saving for their new cousin when he/she is born. They should get the message.
Stop opening your wallet to your brother as he sees you as some sort of safety net to help him out financially.
Do close your curtains, curl up on the couch with your other half on Christmas day and enjoy Christmas!

Lastly, come back and tell us what (if anything) happens when they realise that Aunt Champ hasn't handed over the readies!

NoSunNoMoon · 13/12/2016 08:42

Not one penny, OP.

ohtheholidays · 13/12/2016 08:49

I've had the same as you have OP for years and years so this year I've said enough is enough and this is for my great Nephews and great Nieces!

My Nieces and Nephews are near my age and I always spent a fortune on them when they were growing up for no thanks and then when they each had they're first baby we'd spend £50 on the Mum and the baby and we'd spend the same on they're first birthdays still no bloody thankyou and then I'd buy for they're DC every Easter,birthday and Christmas,I'd even sent money for the school holidays to help they're parents out.

This year has been the final fucking straw!They couldn't even be bothered to wish our youngest DD9 a Happy Birthday and she's ill and disabled bless her.We have 5DC and 2 of our DC are disabled and I became disabled 8 years ago.I can't believe it's taken me so long but I'm glad I'm stopping now and so is my DH,he's been walking around like this since I told him Grin

But I still feel guilty,but you shouldn't!and I really hope my guilt eases up soon.

BoboBunnyH0p · 13/12/2016 08:55

Totally agree that you stop, that was a large sum of money to give without thanks. This year I would send a card and a small family gift (nice chocolates) that way when questioned you can say this is all you can afford now due to your upcoming arrival and point out that brother surely you agree children are expensive. If he acts all ungrateful then just say it will be cards only next year.
Then use the rest of the money and book a little weekend away with you DH.
I too am looking forward to his response when he realises the cash cow is paying up this year.

Milklollies · 13/12/2016 09:06

Whoever posted earlier that you have to have children or a vagina to post on mumsnet is abhorrent. It's that kind of thinking that is keeping society behind. I'm glad that the OP is thinking clearly.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 13/12/2016 09:09

No cash, small gift instead. No explanation, but if they are cheeky enough to query it tell them exactly why.

Groovee · 13/12/2016 09:12

I would probably stop with the cash and buy something small and post it.

OzzieFem · 13/12/2016 09:29

I'm stunned! So not only do your brothers see you as a cash cow for birthdays, Xmas gifts and school trips, but the one you originally mentioned takes out high interest loans at Xmas to give his family a great time and expects you to pay the loans off? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why would you even agree to this?

I agree with all the other posters, let your family know you are expecting, will be buying stuff for baby, going on maternity leave and cannot afford to continue to be so generous (especially as it is not acknowledged by a simple thank you). If your brothers don't like it then -

pepperpot99 · 13/12/2016 09:31

They sound awful, as does your DB, OP.

I have two dds and I absolutely INSIST that they write proper thank you cards for all presents received on birthdays and at Christmas. They are 12 and 15 now and know to do it. There is no excuse for shitty manners and ungratefulness. I honestly would just stop sending the money and be very clear to your DB that you are not going to be exploited anymore.

teachergirl2011 · 13/12/2016 09:34

ThePeoplesChamp

I could have written this post!! Again like you i work and earn good money but because I went to Uni and have no kids I'm viewed as "posh"

I never even get and xmas or birthday card so why should I spend money on my 10 nieces and nephews!! Not doing it this year!

DragonitesRule · 13/12/2016 09:38

Yes to stopping but I also think you should Pre-warn them so they don't take a massive loan out under the expectation that your gift will pay it off.

Pooky77 · 13/12/2016 09:44

Surprised you lasted 10 years i could only stomach 3 then i stopped giving as no thanks for my efforts were forthcoming! I mean honestly how difficult is it to send a card or a text? It will cause arguments when you stop because these people are so self absorbed they can't see past their own noses, but really keep your money and spend on people who appreciate you or even better treat yourself.

Sparkesx · 13/12/2016 09:44

Buy you & DH something nice that you can enjoy, just the two of you. You'll get something nice with even a small percentage of the money you give to nieces and nephews and have some left over.

If they ask where their Christmas money is, explain that you've brought yourself an expensive thank you card/gift to yourself from your neices/nephews, seeing as you never got one for the X amount of years!

Arses.

Merry Christmas OP. Enjoy it X

Sparkesx · 13/12/2016 09:48

P.S - here's a link LauraGeller

No excuses, go treat yourself Grin

DistanceCall · 13/12/2016 09:53

I also think you should Pre-warn them so they don't take a massive loan out under the expectation that your gift will pay it off.

Has anyone checked with the OP before taking on a loan? Why on earth should the OP be concerned with her brother's banking?

Roussette · 13/12/2016 10:04

No, no and more No. Or Yes or whatever I need to type to say YANBU.

I think it is awful not to acknowledge a gift of cash, awful not to acknowledge a present too but as I sent a present for birthday and christmas to a god daughter of mine without ever a thank you, I'm not one to talk.

However, the gift was small, it was the principle that mattered. On her 18th birthday I splashed out a bit more (a lovely piece of jewellery) and wrote saying I wished her well for the future but that I wouldn't be sending any more gifts now she was 18. The real reason was the lack of acknowledgement but I didn't want to say so and spoil her birthday. Not sure I ever heard another word from her after that!

OP you have been a saint to carry on this long but enough's enough.

OCSockOrphanage · 13/12/2016 10:07

YANBU. We had this experience with some relative's children. When there was never any thank you, I sent book tokens instead (for resolute non readers). But still, the only time they are in touch is if they think a folding handout might be on the cards.

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2016 10:58

Prediction: when you say you're saving for your own child now, your brother will at some point say (to you or other family members) that 'Champ thinks she's the only person in the world to have had a child!' Grin

sufferingfromcraft · 13/12/2016 11:00

If it were me, I would do nothing now and wait for the inevitable call.
Then you say that you posted it all off 2 weeks ago did they not receive it? When they say that they didn't you can explain that you can't possibly afford to pay out again.

Then sit at home all comfy and spend "their" money on yourself.

JustSpeakSense · 13/12/2016 11:24

Or...you could fork out one more year, wait for your LO to arrive and see if they reciprocate with birthday and Christmas gifts for the baby (I bet they won't!) then you can justifiably stop and tell them exactly what you think of them

Giselaw · 13/12/2016 11:38

to get yourself to Snappy Snaps and have your scan photo made into a selection of mugs, mouse mats, key rings and other grim tat with the caption 'World's #1 big cousin!!!!' In comic sans. Yellow comic sans . Then do the shiny eyed PFB at them and say you have tried to set up a bank account for their Christmas donations to your child but they won't let you until they are born so you'll take cash this year and then supply the bank details in time for next year so they can just do an online transfer to save time

Brilliant. It made coffee go up my nose in an attempt not to spray the phone screen and my top. That wasn't so brilliant, but the image of the "yellow" comic sans on that mug tipped me over the edge.

SantasJockstrap · 13/12/2016 12:06

YANBU

HouseworkIsASin10 · 13/12/2016 12:35

They are taking the piss, you need to stop this now.