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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop sending money to ungrateful brats???

286 replies

ThePeoplesChamp · 12/12/2016 20:49

Every year I've sent Christmas money to my neices and nephews. Last 2 years I've reduced this slightly as it was costing me a fortune at the £ per kid. Close to £400 just on this part of Chistmas.

There is a view that because I work and the parents dont, and that I dont have kids that I am 'posh' ...... and, as such should be simply thrilled at handing over the money.

But heres the rub, in the 10+ years I've been doing this I've yet to receive so much as a thank you or even a Christmas card in return. And - its almost become a 'demand' - I remember one night having to leave a (pre)Christmas meal out to dash out to give my DB the money as 'the kids would like it early so they can buy what theyd like' he literally rang and rang and rang until I left the restaurant to stroppily hand over £100 for his kids.

I've been with DH 4 years and half of the nieces and neplhews have ever met him, such is their lack of interest at seeing us unless its to collect ££.

WIBU to just stay at home with DH, leave the ££ in the bank and sod the lot of them?

OP posts:
Gooseysgirl · 12/12/2016 23:34

Wow!!! I vote for a donation to a donkey sanctuary!

MrEBear · 12/12/2016 23:37

You've got the perfect excuse to stop it. "I'm expecting and going on mat leave, can't afford Christmas this year"

Alternatively you use the same excuse and cut it to £10 each. If you can't be doing with the family falling out. But you are seriously nuts to keep being taken for a mug so definitely end the £50 each.
I suspect as well as other posters the kids aren't seeing the money. One other thought if you do opt for a reduced amount - send the kids cheques - in their names!!!

Framboise18 · 12/12/2016 23:45

Oh my God saveee that money they don't deserve it!! If a family wants a relationship it's for who they are as a person- not the bank account x what are you going to get for yourself ? X

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2016 23:48

Do you think it might be wise to forewarn your parents so they're prepared for the inevitable barrage of shit from your siblings?

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 12/12/2016 23:48

I'm speechless. So entitled, never hand another penny over, ever!

LongHardStare · 12/12/2016 23:48

Against the grain here, but I think you are asking for drama and a family row by going from £50 each to no card or present or explanation. However ungrateful DB and his kids are, in their minds I'm sure they're thinking that you don't expect a thank you card, that that isn't how it is done in your family...

I second the suggestion upthread to send them each a book on etiquette or a pack of thank you cards. I'd also send them Christmas cards individually with your full address and other contact details written in each one - at least you are giving them the opportunity to mend their ways.

CoffeeAndEnnui · 12/12/2016 23:48

High end make up is absolutely the best way forward. This way your smug £350 better off grin can be a pretty colour!

Original poster
ThePeoplesChamp · 13/12/2016 00:01

I'd love to think that the none-thanks-ever was an oversight ...and have possible been trying to rationalise it / excuse it for a long time now, but they are great with contact via facebook just a couple of days ahead of their Birthdays, so absolutely know how to contact me. I think I just have to hold my hands up and say I've been a soft touch and laugh at it

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePeoplesChamp · 13/12/2016 00:03

switches on a re-run of QVC Beauty and looks at Laura Geller treats

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 13/12/2016 00:20

Just from the first page:

There is a view that because I work and the parents dont, and that I dont have kids that I am 'posh' ...... and, as such should be simply thrilled at handing over the money.

I get this with my nieces. My sis is SAHM but her husband works, drives a sports car, big house. They have more than they need. As my sis doesnt work and I do, she has less of her own cash to splash about but that isnt my problem.

I barely got a thank you last year for the nieces presents.

This year, the presents have been bought but they are nowhere near as big as last year as I was made redundant.

One of them was a lovely special edition of a childs classic story. It was hardback and in a slip cover. She saw it and said we have that. Their copy of it was a battered very old board book of it that they have had for years. The older one doesnt read it anymore but the younger one is the right age for it now to start understanding it and having it read to her. I said how about a new one then for the young one to have. She actually said no dont give it to us.

Then we went shopping and into toy shops. They just ran into every bloody shop there was. Elder niece asks for everything and her mum looks at me expectantly. Younger niece picks up toys and wont put them down. Sis finally said oh LIZ cant you just get it for her!!! Um no. I am not buying more plastic crap that that they have loads of and will be thrown on the pile and I have bought their gifts already and I did prick my ears up and bought things I knew they wanted.

Then my younger niece does it in every shop demands toys and then lies on the floor screaming in a couple of shops when the toys were taken off her. My sis looked daggers at me as if I should enable these tantrums and buy everything.

it is just so bloody rude. I cannot imagine every behaving this way if I had my own children. I cant really blame my younger niece as she is too young really to understand but my older niece and sis were goading me about stuff to buy. They know I am not working too.

next year i may send a lump of coal.

CanadianJohn · 13/12/2016 00:27

I'm in a similar situation with my grandchildren (they are not children anymore, aged 17 - 24). They live a long way away, I haven't seen them for 10 years. Every Christmas and birthday I send cards with either a cheque or gift cards - never a thank you. Once, I asked the parents "did you receive the Christmas cards" and got a minimal "thank you" email from a couple of the grandchildren, but that's it.

The cost is not the issue - we are not short of money - but it would be nice for someone to say thank you without being prompted. I'm just fed up with it; this Christmas might be the last time they get gift cards.

GabsAlot · 13/12/2016 00:29

you sound like youve been very generous with no thanks-its so rude and entitled

sorry your relatives are just spongers

IvorHughJarrs · 13/12/2016 00:44

My DCs are the first lot in the family. SIL was hit and miss in sending Xmas or birthday gifts, sometimes they'd get one, other times not, yet she made it known if she didn't get a thank you within days of one.

Now she has DCs we send a cheque each birthday and Xmas but never get a thank you from any of them. I forgot one child's birthday last year and had a text telling me the following day so sent the cheque with a note apologising. Did I get a thank you? You guessed it, NO!

Lucy7400 · 13/12/2016 05:33

We have exactly the same situation with our 16 year old neice. I have sent her £30 cash or a gift every birthday or christmas since she was born.I have never had a thank you and my children aged 11 and 9 have not received more than 2 randomly sent gifts in that time. I have reduced the money to £20 and intend to stop once the neice reaches 18. I put it down to the parents so wont stop it completley. In the interests of family relations I would reduce the amount rather than stop it.

Isetan · 13/12/2016 06:02

I feel sorry for your nieces and nephews because your brother sounds like the entitled brat. His behaviour has been appalling and I can't understand why you've enabled it tbh. When the inevitable call from him comes simply tell him the truth, that his entitled behaviour is the reason.

areyoubeingserviced · 13/12/2016 06:08

Do not give them a penny OP.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2016 06:35

I still wonder if the children ever see a penny of your money, OP, especially when you mention they 'have a preferred store'. Is it possible they returned gifts for a cash refund?

You should warn your DB that if he is considering taking out short term loans this year he should desist because you are not going to bail him out. (I suspect this is where your present money is going too and that he takes out far more money than you are aware of.)

rollonthesummer · 13/12/2016 07:06

Why have you put up with this for so long?!

HaveNoSocks · 13/12/2016 07:45

I could almost believe that the no thank you cards was just thoughtlessness on your DB's account. He might have just thought it was unnecessary within family but the way he demanded you give them the money early is so outrageous. I don't think I'd ever hand over money to him again. On the other hand I wonder whether your nieces and nephews are to blame or is it all their dad?

I might be tempted to send them small gifts and cards (no cash!) to avoid any family drama.

JustSpeakSense · 13/12/2016 07:53

Completely understand how you are feeling, however, remember it is not the children's fault that parents are like this, and this potentially could really upset them.

Therefore I would suggest a card and £10 per child (posted in advance) with a brief explanation to parent 'I'm sure you'll understand I need to spend less if gifts now we have a LO on the way, hope the kids find something they like, merry Christmas!'

Then, there can be no fall out or saying you are ignoring or blaming you for snubbing your nieces and nephews.

DiegeticMuch · 13/12/2016 08:01

4 children and no job? What a mess. No wonder he's obsessed with your money.

Stop sending it. You can always help them out a bit when they're young adults and have control over it.

BdumBdummer · 13/12/2016 08:02

I used to do this. I gently suggested to one sibling (the other far too self absorbed) that the nephews/nieces each buy my a bar of chocolate and wrap it in newspaper or whatever. It would be nice to see that they even noticed. Never happened. They are all grown up now but, guess what, when I had a child neither sibling really bothered with her. Nor did those cousins. Bored of little ones, I suppose.

BdumBdummer · 13/12/2016 08:04

Although the pictures they post on FB of their friends' children' babies makes me a bitAngry

BolivarAtasco · 13/12/2016 08:14

I had a very similar situation with the children of a relative. I never got any thanks, despite giving them £50 each for their birthdays and Christmas. The final straw was when the relative sent one of the children over at a family outing to ask me for more cash.

They just get a card these days.

BdumBdummer · 13/12/2016 08:16

We all went through the funeral of a very close relative and it put a lot of the bullshit into perspective. If that helps.