to think school can't require dd to come back in the evening for performance?

[tankerdale]

Genuinely don't know if IABU. DD is year 4. Christmas production is a play featuring mainly years 5&6, other children are required to be in a choir. Performance is 6pm on a Friday night which means dropping dd at 5.15 and collecting about 8.15 or going to watch. Dd has end of term-it is, is ryb down and doesn't want to do it. I have two younger children, youngest is 1 and DH isn't reliably back home til 8.30pm so it's really impractical for me to watch or to drive and drop her/collect her with the others. If she wanted to do it I'd probably try harder to make arrangements but she's adamant she doesn't want to. They've been told they have to come back for it unless there's a good reason - but aibu to say she can't come because of practicalities? They can't require it can they?

There was a whole thread the other day on this subject. Yes in my opinion you should take her back. It's a one off occasion.

I wouldn't take her, my 10mo is a disaster if not asleep by 6.30 so I wouldn't be able to anyway.

Of course you should take her, the staff and kids have worked really hard on the performance, imagine if everyone thought like you?! [confused?

Next year when she has a part, you'll feel terribly indignant if the year 4 choir is made up of a few stragglers.

They can't make you do that. I think she's too young personally. My son was asked to do that last year and I said no and didn't give reasons. His performance was 6.30 and his bedtime is 7pm. We had major issues with sleep and there was no way I was messing his routine up.

You can't be expected to keep all your young children up either watching or collecting her.

YANBU

You have a good reason contact school say she can't get back see what they say they can't force her. There is another thread running about the same kind of thing

No they can't demand that she is there.

I had a similar situation a few years back with an exhausted 5 year old, husband working away, older children in a show and the show itself going on far too long and children being grotty the next day. I raised it with school in a "please can you make the show shorter next year" sort of way and was told very snippily that I didn't have to send my child for the evening performances.

It depends on the child - my middle child can have a late night or two and it doesn't affect her. My eldest needs his routine and to be in bed at a reasonable time or he is a total rat bag for 2 days after.

Surely most year 4 children are in bed by 8??

I suspect that by Friday as excitement builds up she'll decide that she does want to do it, so I think you need to plan accordingly.

YABU. Next year she will be in year 5 and then she will have more to do. It's not fair for the supporting cast to just bugger off and not come because they're tired.

This sort of thing teaches them about how important group activities are and how everyone has to muck in. Let her off and you're sending a bad message to her.

Ok I'll have a look at the thread.

She enjoys singing and is usually engaged in this sort of thing but I get the feeling they haven't practiced much and she doesn't feel a big part of it.

I don't think I would feel indignant if others didn't come to sing if she has a main part because I'll understand the issues. And I think if everyone did think like me it might get them to rethink and do the performance in school time/earlier.

Mine won't be going to the evening. I'm a lone parent and have to travel for work for the two nights of the performance. I'm already using up a favour by getting a family member to look after them for two nights and get them back and forth to school. I do my best to support the school, have never missed a play etc but just can't do this.

And genuinely I can't see how I can take the youngest out so late. Only option would be to ask another parent to transport dd but I don't feel very comfortable doing that especially as she may well have a melt down and refuse to go.

I would do it because DD signed up to it and you could be letting others down. It also sends a bit of a message about responsibility to others, which is important. I also think that performing can be amazing for nerves and shyness. However, I'd also reward her massively for making the effort.

I'd also insist that, just this once, your DH is reliably back by 8.00.

Can you drop her off and your husband collect her on his way home from work?

Of course they can't require it but I think you'd be sending the school and your daughter the wrong message by not taking her.

People expect a lot from schools and it's nice to give a little back.

The world is becoming more and more about 'my right to...' but people are no longer taught about responsibilities. Yes you have the right to keep her at home. No, the school don't have the right to demand she come. Does she have a responsibility to her fellow cast members? Yes, I think so. You also have a responsibility to show your daughter that sometimes it's necessary to 'put on your big girl pants and take one for the team'.

I'm not suggesting this is you but it's always the parents who are late returning permission slips (but want that overlooked) or who can't make parents meeting but would like the teacher to meet them mid morning instead and would like the school to accommodate their wishes who won't bring their child to a choral production as it takes more effort on their behalf.

I wouldn't take them. I'm regularly in a similar situation and over the years, I've learned to make life easier and less stressful where possible, especially with a 1yr old in tow.

The fact you have a one year old means that this is very tricky for you, I agree. Could your dh get home early just the once? Would he actually like to go and watch her?

I wouldn't keep the yrs 4 child home because she is tired as it's a one off and not really all that late for her age, but I agree having the one yrs old makes it a nightmare.

Can you enlist any one off help if your dh can't be back early just one day?

She didn't sign up to it, she had no choice. My husband can't collect her because he isn't reliably back at a particular time and has a long commute by train. I think there are plenty of children who don't have younger siblings/have both parents around so I'm sure they won't miss her too much.

Dropping her off at 5.15 with the younger kids shouldn't be a problem surely??
Then get your husband to pick her on his way home.

In the nicest way possible, it's school it's not compulsory. If she's not detained under section the mental health act or under arrest she doesn't have to do anything. You just say "sorry, we can't manage that" and that's enough. Some of you give way too much power to primary schools. Just say no!

I think taking the baby out at 8 as a one off isn't going to harm.

Schools shouldn't put pressure on kids and parents to do these things out of school time

We've got another thread about primary schools forgetting that parents work. There need to be evening performances to cater for working parents (at least those who don't work evenings).

How long have you known about this performance? Can you get a babysitter? If you've known about it a while, could your DH not have taken a day or afternoon off or worked at home?

As for "having a meltdown and refusing to go", she's in year 4. So that's unlikely to happen isn't it? She's not 4 years old.

Can you take her and ask someone to bring her back? Or tell school DH will be there but may be a bit late to collect her?

In ds' junior school, you only got involved in the nativity/Christmas performances if you wanted to, it was only compulsory at infants.

It does sound late and difficult to arrange transport but... You don't seem to think its important to either you or your DH. Can he not finish work early? Can you not get a babysitter for the other DC?

It is definitely possible but you don't sound bothered for yourself, just don't blame your DD if you decide not to take her.