to think school can't require dd to come back in the evening for performance?

[tankerdale]

Genuinely don't know if IABU. DD is year 4. Christmas production is a play featuring mainly years 5&6, other children are required to be in a choir. Performance is 6pm on a Friday night which means dropping dd at 5.15 and collecting about 8.15 or going to watch. Dd has end of term-it is, is ryb down and doesn't want to do it. I have two younger children, youngest is 1 and DH isn't reliably back home til 8.30pm so it's really impractical for me to watch or to drive and drop her/collect her with the others. If she wanted to do it I'd probably try harder to make arrangements but she's adamant she doesn't want to. They've been told they have to come back for it unless there's a good reason - but aibu to say she can't come because of practicalities? They can't require it can they?

It's another schools can't win one.
People complain when schools run productions in school time because working parents can't make it, and why don't schools realise that? But when they run one in the evening that working parents can get to, people don't want their kids to do it because it's too late.
I get why you don't want to take her. No you don't have to. But I do wonder why people expect the schools to do all this stuff for the kids when all that happens is they get moaned at.

If it was just a case of her beingvtired I'd say she should still do it, 8.15 on a Friday night in year 4 as a one-off isn't late at all. Also it is letting others down. However it's very tricky with younger children and no husband available to pick up, so in that basis I don't think it's unreasonable to say no.

My dd has a six at night performance she's in year 3. But I'll have to take her two autistic siblings (6,3) to drop her off which probably won't be fun. But I see it as a one off.

Can't here father pick up

A choir is a team. It's really rubbish to spend ages rehearsing for something and then have it half-baked at performance because half the kids decided not to show up. She should go - with another parent if necessary. If she's anything like mine, she won't have a meltdown if she's going with a friend and might even end up enjoying it.

yabu
you take her in and her other parent picks her up.
he needs to step up in this case.

You should show some support for the school. Your DD doesn't get to pick and choose and neither do you. Of course she should go back.

YABVU.

She's Year 4. "Doesn't want to" or "too tired" is really not good enough. You won't be the only one juggling extra children, most of the other parents who manage to get their child there will be in pretty much the same position.

Can you ask other parents if they can pick up or drop off for you? I've done it for friends.

Many schools don't allow babies or toddlers at performances, are you sure you can take a 1 year old.

To the PP who commented about some people giving schools too much power. What?
I don't see any kind of power issue going on. You're not battling the school. You are working together to give the kids the best experience you all can. Part of that is putting on plays etc. A different experience for them. Teachers aren't doing it because they are keen to spend their evening with your child, and make your life difficult. They're doing it because your kids and the others might get something out of it. They've put in effort and time, so have the other children, and then someone comes along and says 'Don't do it. It gives the school too much power.' Just WTF?

Yes she should go. Helps teach collective responsibility and reduce the view whole world is about what she wants. Get a friend to give her supper and take her if you really can't manage yourself. Get granny or pay a babysitter so you can watch is best solution though - she probably would want to do it if she saw more enthusiasm from you but at moment she must feel like a burden. It's not that difficult to take two little ones to a school play, for goodness sake.

Well said, baby

At my school we cancelled the evening performance as so many people didn't return. Some who had main parts but mostly those who were 'just' in the choir - it really does spoil the performance when there are big gaps. However we knew that it would only be cancelled for one year as the inevitable complaints from working parents flooded in - we sent a very abrupt letter making it clear that the evening performance was a 'use it or lose it' situation and that we wouldn't hesitate to cancel it permanently. So yes, YABU

Surely most year 4 children are in bed by 8??

Please tell me you don't believe that a an 8 or 9 year old can never have a slightly late bedtime on a Friday night?

OP, if you are saying that you would manage if your child had a bigger part then clearly it's doable. The staff have gone to some trouble to include year 4 in the production and they haven't done it for their own satisfaction, they have done it because it's good for children to take part in this type of event and because parents like it. It's pretty mean to them and the other performers to pull out at the last minute.

There's no way I could take the youngest, that would be very unfair to the performers and audience (and to her. She would just want her bed). Yes I could pay a babysitter £30 if one was free which isn't a given but I'm struggling with work and having put my children in childcare during the week don't feel like I want to do that on a Friday evening for something my daughter doesn't want to do anyway (I made it clear I would try and make if happen if she wanted so i don't think she feels like a burden). I on the other hand do feel like a burden asking grandparents for help.
She also has a cough and is very tired.

I'd have expected to get a letter about this asking which families were able to participate.

If you did, and you said yes, then I think you are under some obligation to make your dd attend if possible (and your DH needs to get home in time if he can). If not, and the school has just dumped this on parents as a fait accompli, then you should do as you think best for your own family and not be guilt-tripped.

I'll be missing school stuff next week, for the very good reason that I will be working abroad in the relevant days. Life goes on.

Is one night of going to bed a bit late really going to cause that much hassle? It's a Friday, so no school the next day, so why can't you go and let everyone have a lie-in or a lazy day at the weekend?

If she was aged 4, I would answer differently and say that's far too late for them to be expected to be performing, but I think in year 4 (so, age 9 or so), it's perfectly realistic. We all have to do things we don't like sometimes, and it's just a one-off. She should go.

I don't think a 9yo should be able to tantrum/have a meltdown to get out of things unless there are SN involved, either.

She should go if possible, otherwise she'll be told off by school the next day. Wouldn't be fair on her.

This the norm for junior aged children and up. Get your dh to commit to being home or even better attending the performance. It isn't as if it is every week, although you will soon find weekday activities will run to 7 or later. Alternatively maybe another parent could drop her home, especially if you offered to take.

No but I think you should have given the school more notice, and it will forfeit her chances of getting a good part next year.

Surely there's another parent who could give her a lift home.

School's really are damned if they do and damned if they don't, aren't they? Afternoon performances "assume that every child has a SAHP" Evening ones "are too late for children"

I'd take her. It teaches about commitment to a group even when it's inconvienient or not something they really want to do. Taking a one year old out after 8 won't make them turn into a vampire! What do you do on holiday or want to go round to a friends for dinner? It does children good to be flexible.

Oh and highly suspect by Friday as the excitement mounts she will drop the "I really have to go, I'll hate you forever if you don't let me" bombshell at 3:30 on Friday anyway

You have so many excuses that it's obvious you don't want to take her.

I echo what someone said earlier about 'responsibilities'. My parents weren't the best parents ever but one thing that they did teach me was that if you commit to something you see it through - as your daughter should with this production. I fought hard against it sometimes as a child or teenager as I didn't feel like doing things - but it's stood me in great stead in adult life that I was made to honour my commitments.

Your daughter is part of this, it's one evening, and she might just enjoy it!